I been thinking about starting a journal on Actualized for quite some time, and here It is. Yesterday I had a interesting experiences that led me to interesting realizations about some aspects of my life, and all this led to very interesting or lets maybe say "mystical exp" .    I recently red a Way of Superior Man, and I can agree with the perspective that women are here to wake us up hahahha ! My narcisistic mother forced me to grow so much! Im all happy and comfortable until she confronts my spiritual ego  It all started when my mother interrupted me while I was working on my LP. Her selfishness and pain that she was projecting was the thing I understand , and I can get into her shoes, but why em I still uncomfortable with her unconscious acts? Hmmm... Why is she making me feel bad ? It is because my thoughts are not aligned with reality! Hmm lets try different perspectives about my conversation with her, and all tough all the perspectives were true, I still had that negative feeling. Something Is not right . Something deeper is going on here . To avoid deeper contemplation I started blaming her and all the stuff ego thinks off to escape responsibility. So I set down and started contemplating, and here are the insights that I came up with.  Before I start listing them I want to say that for some time im struggling with perfectionism, criticizing/blaming  and having the need to constantly fix problems . Here is what I discovered about it .  -my father was always criticizing me, and this is the behaviour I picked up  -fixing problems is a lance that brought me a lot of progress in last two years, this is why i hold it so hard  -My LP is based around Self-Help , and my survival is based on "there is a problem and here is a solution" . Every channel on yt, book, social network is based on problems and solutions, and this is what i started to focus and see only.  -I can't accept reality that people are ruing their life's , that people are selfish and suffering on every level , even if I know that :suffering" is a relative term, and it is how I think it is  -Watching great people like Leo Gura etc. are inspiring me, but also bringing me a sense that Im not working hard enough. That I need to improve every form of my LP in the way that I want. And this form of perfectionism is creating a lot of resistance , and making me not accept reality that Im not perfect , that I will make mistakes, and the process of mastery is what matters . I instead criticized my mistakes, and project them on others . -by seeing all the problems (it is where i focus) i know that by working on them will transform my life, and since my country is a factory of very neurotic people I want to help them because I know what might help them, I can understand them , I empathize with them . This feeling is somehow close to guilt... why do I have the need to help them?  -Ohhhh! Its is because I feel guilty for being happy! Holly shit! I feel guilty because Im growing and having amazing life, I feel bad because "How can I be happy when my parents are depressed and miserable ?" all the people that I care about are very neurotic and have all kinds of problems (it is where i focus ) . This is why i felt bad . I couldn't allow myself to be happy! "It is wrong for me to thrive and not help others" "It is selfish of me to enjoy , while my mother is sick" etc. So this is why I had this negative feeling!  -I em even blaming myself for all the uncounscious things i did to the people around me, because im conscious of them now , and I want to repay my guilt  by trying to fix their problem, by trying to help them  - I was trying to repay my guild, and because I loved them I wanted to bring them with me so I could be happy, and when i couldn't do that because they didn't fix any problem, i started criticizing ! JESUS !  -And all this problems because I couldn't allow myself to be happy!  -Problem solving is robing my energy , it is a form of masculine energy that is robing me of beauty and love .  This contemplation made me realize that the difference between blaming/criticising yourself and introspection/contemplation is that when you start introspecting you start with the fact that you can't blame yourself for being selfish and unconscious. How can you be conscious of the things  you did, when you are were unconscious ? You begin with the mindset that you made a mistake , that you made selfish things , and this is the way you improve them , where you accept them , and this is the way that brings love and clarity .  I also realized that the need to have closure about feelings and thoughts in uncomfortable moments  is a form of not accepting reality . I create ideology to feel better. I realized that sometimes you just need to sit with uncomfortable feeling , observe it , and it will fix itself .  I also realized that the pain that my mother triggered was making me look for the root of the problem, and the pain stopped when I realized it . The term that @Nahm tells a lot "your thoughts are not aligned with reality" is what makes me see things from another perspective and dig deeper .  All this amazing realizations led me to sit down, smoke a joint and contemplate what just happened and how i will change my behaviour in the future .  As I got relaxed with music, weed, cold beer , birds chirping and the sun on my face I had a insight that god is talking to me from everywhere , and what is trying to do is to get my attention , to get me in the moment , its trying to make me see the beauty, to focus , to get to the present moment... It is connected to my intuition... What is funny about that is that before I started contemplating and before I realized that Im not allowing myself to be happy , I was listening to music while I was cooking and my attention caught a lyrics on this song https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4FmAPuaRCY 50;47 that i played again and again for a 100 times ! It was a sign!  I started contemplating on what I just discovered , my attention and thoughts was drowned to the music, where my thoughts stopped , and i realized at one point that I totally forgot about  thoughts and concepts I had in my head . I was glad that I can relax with the flow, and have amazing fun , even though Im taking massive action on my LP. Good balance Eddie!  At one moment I was in perfect synch with the flow of the music, the beat, the movement of my head, arms and fingers , the sun on my chicks, the breeze that made it even better , the beaut of the sky, and the birds chirping. Everything was in synch. I could feel everything at once . All this beautiful relaxation was something that is familiar to me(even though it was something i never experianced) , i didn't question it. I just enjoyed it. It was what I em. I em in synch .I em the synch. And then the question arised . Waiit. Who em I? I couldn't remember for a sec who i was , and then it came , oh yeah yeah, here i em, dancing with the music . This is the first time I forgot who I was , but I felt like I em the music, and everything . I experienced everything at once . I was where my awareness was . And it was so true, so familiar . So familiar that I didn't even question it  . I had a lot of interesting exp with the sun, and the beauty of nature . All this beauty was trying to make me look at it . Just see the beauty . The sun was calling me to see it.  All this time I though it was a good weed trip, I went inside and set down on the bed. I just let go and BOOOM, the present moment again . I can't really recall what happened there, but I felt that feeling and buzzing sound in my head that increases when i meditate . And it gets so intense that I get scared, and thoughts interrupted what was about to happen. And it happened right after I was trying so hard to remember who i was  Wait, what the fuck em I? Holly shit! Hmm, okay... Where is my location? Em i siting? waait... what shape em I? I know that im here, i can feel my presence, but what the hack ! hahaah It was excited and scared at the same time . After few seconds or minutes  I remembered again, and I was like, ofc ofc Here I em stoned and hungry sitting on my bed,,,jesus eddie stop interrupting your trip .. I again dismissed that trip with weed, and it was nothing weird about it , It was so normal ,so familiar ....  Then I set down to eat and the present just pulled me again . I stopped eating . I started admiring the beauty, colors , and shapes of the fruits on my table. I was so thankful for the beauty, I was so admired by how the fuck my brain Is creating this images... I stared at the fruits for 30 min where I again lost the notion of who I em . I got the buzzing in my head again . Its like an energy moving around my brain and this time I decided to not get scared and I let go . In an instance i felt like my brain is getting electrocuted. I felt this energy went right down my throat and stomach . It was like I was the energy that is going down. It was so strange and intense. I could see this exp from different perspectives, and they were all true, but this time not so familiar. At one point I could see my self objectively. I was just above the back of my head and I could see myself sitting on the chair , and I could see this white energy going down. And at the same time I could feel the intensity of the energy and observe it objectively  . I can't describe it... And ZZZZZZZOOOOOOOP it stops. The  buzzing and pressure in my head stops . This happened 3 times in a row for maybe 30 sec.  This trip lasted for maybe 6-7 h  and there was a lot more going on...  At one point when I set down in my bed i was like . Wait a minute. This was not a fucking weed trip ! Wait.. All this time I only had ideas of what "trip" or "mystical" exp. should look like! There should be colors , aliens, shapes, ego death, scary demons etc. but this was just my idea. Because of all this i dismissed what happened to me ! And what happened to me looks like some sort of mystical exp! All this time my intuition was telling when I meditated that some shit is about to go down, and it  was right again!    This energy is trying to bust trough , but is sabotaged by distractions that my ego creates so that can stop me concentrate, relax and see the beauty. It is scared from:  the ideas of suffering and the things that i red about dark night of the soul Ideas of what mystical exp looks like etc. and what I learned is that: my exp is what I know is true, but can I be deluded?  remove distractions and try to observe first, then create ideas about it  the weed was a push of  relaxation that I couldn't achieve in my meditation I em where is my awareness. If my awareness is on my thoughts and feelings, then this is what I em . Concentration and removing distractions is crucial !  All this happened because I didn't try to force or get anywhere . It happened because I was spontaneous, went with the flow and enjoyed the beauty !  This something like this happened to anyone? I didn't study kundalini energy (although my intuition is telling me that i should study it for few mounts now) and chakras, and Im very fresh with spirituality. Is that some sort of activation? What happened ? I also haven't read any trip reports so I don't know what Im talking about.  I hope this was interesting and thank you for reading!