How do I deal with an emotionally abusive/ toxic mother?

[Alfonsoo]

 I’ll give you a little bit of context: I’m male, 19, divorced parents since very little (probably when I was 5). I stayed with my mother, my father disappeared form our lives (he still alive though). My mother she has Avery dominant personality but as in that kind of imposing personality that comes from lack of confidence, resulting in an abusive behavior. She is very explosive and gets angry impossibly easy. Always shouting and fighting with cashiers, employees, or really anyone who does something she doesn’t agree with. From conversations we’ve had about her childhoods and not so young past, she feels neglected by her parents and really felt out of control as my grandparents had a favorite child and it wasn’t her. She was a perfect example of a middle child. She has a cousin which my grandparent really cares for and I feel my mother gets very jealous, it is a very touchy subject. The struggle for acceptance, plus the divorce many other smaller problems made her have a really troubled and mistrusting personality. I feel like she lashes out and takes out this on people, specially me (because she knows she can’t fight to much with stranger cause they can fight back). She is extremely manipulating with me and always emotionally blackmailing me, at the same time she is overly overprotective and doesn’t trust me at all, even though I’ve been quite a good son (you’ve gonna have to trust me on this one) I know I’m no perfect son, but who is anyways. I consider my self on the more responsible spectrum of kids my age. For me this has resulted in a very insecure person. Through out the years (after I started to realize how my mothers way of rising me affected me) I started to seek help online (no personal coaching though) and I believe I did a pretty job of fixing my insecurities. Now I have a girlfriend and a couple of very close friends, many more that aren’t so close, I’m very healthy physically and mentally. I like studying subjects like spirituality, health, music, cooking, physics etc. (Basically I’m a healthy normal person now) however the abuse continues (and continues to get worse as she grows old and even more intolerant). And us trapped at home because of the COVID really took problems next level. I’m only looking forward to moving out for college to escape her. The main two reasons I want to study away is to get away from her and cause schools aren’t really that good here. And it’s sat thinking about how I need to distance my self to keep her from hurting me. I don’t think there’s been a single day we didn’t fight (this is serious). Ind I’m fed up with let her step over me but I need help figuring out a way to manage this situation maturely and effectively. Now, you’ve gotta consider I’m still financially attached to her (things work differently in my country regarding this, kids rely on parents for money until much later) and I know first things first I have to solve that to cut her off, but meanwhile what can I do?

very important, there never was physical abuse from either parent . Maybe there was I’m my mind is blocking it if but I doubt it. To my knowledge there was none.

[wordsforliving]

@Alfonsoo My mother was exceptionally abusive and I joined the military to get away from her. I would try to avoid interaction with her as much as possible. I can imagine that is nearly impossible, especially these days, but I would try to be out of sight and out of mind as much as possible if there were a way to do it. 

Build up mental strength by watching Leo's videos. 

If she has narcissistic traits, I would try to go "gray rock" and be as emotionless or nonreactive as possible. Easier said than done I know, but that would be my objective if I were back at that place where I was again living with my abusive mother. 

Edited April 27, 2020 by wordsforliving

[Preety_India]

 

Best is to find some way to escape her behavior. 

Maybe tell her to stop every day and scream at her and keep protesting till she stops. Keep the door of your room closed. 

Tell her to stop interfering in your life. 

Also stop reacting emotionally to her because it turns into a vicious cycle. Become like a rock. 

 

[Elton]

@Alfonsoo next time she abuses you take a deep breath infront of her face and let go and smile at her not in your face arrogant smile but a humble compassionate smile. See what happens and let me know.

I did this once my mom was yelling at me I vivedly remember that the shouting stopped at that time (I didn't do the humble smile, it might be difficult to do it at the actual situation)

But what was interesting is one day I was yelling and she did that deep breath back on me and I was struck with surprise and stopped yelling.

[ertopolice]

@Alfonsoo I feel you.

Moving for your studies is quite a nice option but consider u need to keep emotional distance from her.

@Elton Nice one..

 

[Nak Khid]

@Alfonsoo 

Try thus book:

https://www.amazon.com/Coping-Critical-Demanding-Dysfunctional-Parents/dp/1684030927/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&qid=1596688281&refinements=p_27%3ADavid+M.+Allen+MD&s=books&sr=1-2

Coping with Critical, Demanding, and Dysfunctional Parents: Powerful Strategies to Help Adult Children Maintain Boundaries and Stay Sane Paperback – November 1, 2018

by David M. Allen MD (Author), Susan Heitler PhD (Foreword)

_________________________________________________________________________________

See if you can get it on kindle and try to make sure your mother can't look at whatever device you are using and tell you are reading this It might make her mad.   But if you study this book and put the effort in it might help you.

 

[Amandine]

MONEY is your answer, it's the key to your freedom to escape from this toxicity and dysfunction, of course you already know that.

If I were you, I would keep out of her way as much as possible while living with her, in the meantime try "humouring" her so she doesn't get a rise out of you and use you as her scapegoat. Keep practicing self-love as tho' your life depends on it (it does)!

I would try EVERYTHING in my power to try and find a way of getting enough money to be financially free of her. 

I imagine she's paying your way through college. Have you had any ideas on how you can gain some financial autonomy, what kind of part-time/weekend jobs you could do, perhaps put some money aside to save? I would look for opportunities to make/save as much money as possible, yes even as a student lol (it's what I did).

You'll always have a sadness tho' whether you decide to be far away from her or not, the mother bond being a powerful one.

It's also sad because our mums are suffering too and they sometimes don't know (or want to know) how to deal with their pain, apart from projecting it (onto us).

Edited August 7, 2020 by Amandine

[Nahm]

@Alfonsoo  Relax, and be you.