Mental masturbator tries to self-actualize

[Sash]

Straightening myself out..

To be honest with you, I'd probably be dead if it weren't for principles.

Currently reading Robert Greene's Mastery. 10,000 hours seems pretty daunting. I thought that once I got my purpose down and figured out what skills I needed to make it real, I'd magically start doing the thing. It's too big of a commitment for my ego, who's never really wanted to sit down and say, "Okay, I'm going to do this and I'm going to be this person." I think I've indulged myself too freely on being a spectator. Don't get me wrong, I have made quite a lot of progress working my way up the spiral, but in terms of real-world skills, the kind that I'm painfully aware I'm lacking, I ain't got shit. So, for the love of discipline, I went ahead and drafted a routine.

Feel free to draw inspiration from it!

I tried out the routine today and hit about 30% of it. I plan on slowly building that up, not expecting the change to be easy.

I'm a big believer in making forced laughter the very first thing you do each day. It makes it easier to get up, and it leaves you feeling pretty optimistic for the rest of the day. Also, I changed the title of my journal because I thought that the last one sounded a little pretentious, this one is far more accurate.

 

[Sash]

The real epidemic

I've said before that I've had issues feeling different from everybody else. It's caused me many problems with fitting in, but it has allowed me to think critically about society and human nature. Ever since I was little I could just look at the people around me and know that something was off. At some point in our lives, the joy that was so normal in our everyday experiences as children, becomes labeled as unpractical or even dangerous. Life becomes a serious game, and society masks the obvious lack of joy with the glorification of a petty and mediocre lifestyle. We try to plug the leaks in a desperate attempt to pretend that the whole ship isn't sinking. Companies count on people being mediocre, both in the form of employees and customers, and I'll bet that it's only gotten worse after coronavirus. With so many people at home, people are at a greater risk to be consumed by their worst vices: porn, video games, alcohol, drugs, etc.

Part of my life purpose entails bringing high-consciousness values to society at a mass scale. I realize that I will never truly be fulfilled until I can live in a world where people are no longer shallow, and are capable of experiencing and conveying deep emotion and understanding. The sheep mentality disturbs me to no end, and while I may never live to see it completely eradicated, I know that I can die happy if I inspire others to at least see the problem.

In the process of narrowing down my life purpose I've come to the realization that the number one thing that people are lacking is meaning.

Meaning is everything. Without meaning, not only will we stumble around in life without an aim or a strong desire, we will be completely indifferent to any of the good or success that we do experience. We will be devoid of any true and powerful emotion, and our own personal worth will remain obscure to us. My greatest challenge will be in meeting society where it's at; most people are too comfortable to be ready for a revolution right now, and do not want to hear 90% of what someone at stage yellow or turquoise has to say. The world needs to be inspired to change. The world needs leaders who understand what true meaning is, and embody and teach that. The world needs someone who can show what high-consciousness looks like, not just someone who can talk about it.

 

[Sash]

The 3 Books a Day Diet

I got this strategy from Tai Lopez (mostly stage orange guy, I know, but he's also kind of stage yellow based on how much he consumes information and integrates it into his life). Regardless, this is a pretty awesome way to get through lots of books in a short time, as well as optimizing them for their fullest effect. It's not just about reading three books a day, it's about what you read and at what time. Here's what I do.

I'm currently reading Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill in the morning, Mastery by Robert Greene in the afternoon, and Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramhansa Yogananda before I go to bed.

The trick with this strategy is to read an action-oriented book in the morning, preferably one about vision and principles; something abstract and long-term. In the afternoon, pick out a book that you can use as a benchmark to your progress, one that is more specific and process-oriented. Lastly, go to bed with a book that leaves you inspired as to what is possible, like a great biography.

This is a super powerful way to optimize your reading habits.

[Sash]

How do I let go?

"Thoughts become things."

I've been coming across this concept a lot lately. In the past month I've read and heard so many different interpretations of the Law of Attraction, and I think it's pretty interesting how so many different sources say the same thing, each in their own way. I've been trying to change my thoughts and have had some success, but what's been really interesting is that noticed that the practice alone of trying to change your thoughts shows you so much of your own inner shit. While practicing control of my conscious mind, I've come to realize that I still have many emotional blocks that I've stuffed deep down, and they're manifesting today as frustration, anger, destructive tendencies, lack of self-love, doubt, and fear. Some days I am like a cloud, everything that happens to me just goes through me, and some days I feel like a live wire, the slightest thing can make me boil with rage.

I know that I have a lot to let go of before I can truly wake up to myself, but I'm not sure how. 

[Sash]

Vices

I want to be honest about my vices. I've been taking a deeper look at them lately, and I find that they can be useful indicators of your shadow side when they are examined right to the core. I want to share with you what I found from examining mine.

As of now, my vices are:

• Sleeping too late, sometimes not sleeping at all
• Not wanting to get out of bed in the morning
• Spending too much time playing video games
• Addiction to nicotine
• Dependence on cannabis for creativity

At face value, these just seem like bad habits, but they became vices when they started to gradually poison my self-image at a deep and fundamental level. It started with video games, which was an activity that truly fascinated me as a child, but now I feel But what is so interesting is these vices all feed the same illusion, or block, that prevents me from moving past my old-self image as someone who is impulsive, lazy, dumb, and stuck in a pit of guilt. In fact, these five vices all perpetuate this false self-image, because after doing them, I feel lazy and guilty, and I stay trapped in that. And these emotions ripple out into so many areas of my life, stifling me from taking healthy and consistent action, creating and maintaining healthy relationships, and in general, just being comfortable in my own skin. It made me realize that my ego was very cleverly selecting these activities because it knows that all of them tempt me to over indulgence, and then to that old guilt, despair, and at very negative levels, self-loathing. And this makes sense because the ego is terrified of a more liberating and forgiving self-image that might destroy the old one that it is so attached to, and has "suffered so much" to create and defend. And I can connect this now with some of the earliest limiting beliefs I ever developed, namely that too much pleasure is evil and that my most authentic self is not capable of being creative, of enjoying the creative process, or of enjoying any steady, long-term, and meaningful form of work.

I know that at a greater level of perception, these vices will dissipate, be re-framed and reintegrated, and no longer limit my well-being. But I know that this is going to take time. For now I have a lot of work to do with building a more whole image of myself and the world, especially one that allows for a healthy pursuit of and enjoyment of pleasure. In my commonplace book, I have made it an experiment to observe and record my emotional state and self-image and how it changes through these vices. I aim to start by observing the guilt and negative thoughts as they arise when I indulge myself, and repeatedly attempting to let it go. At an energetic perspective, this could mean a block in the second energy center, which functions well when you embrace life's pleasures without guilt and with complete self-acceptance. From a place where these vices no longer trigger and prolong negative thought loops, I can decide with greater clarity if I am truly willing to let go of them or not.

On a more practical level, I want to start taking small chunks of the time that I previously spent on these vices, and use it for more creative purpose like research related to my life purpose, exercise, meditation, and time spent learning useful things.

How I'm doing

Other than that, I would say that I am physically, mentally, and emotionally healthier than ever. I have some great habits, but I aim to be more consistent with them, and more importantly, to learn how to derive more pleasure from those habits than I do from the ones that do not serve me. I've learned a great deal of powerful techniques for influencing the subconscious in the past few months, and I will see if I can use these to to let go of these limiting beliefs and begin to trust in and value healthier and more holistic beliefs.

As for my life purpose, I feel that I am getting more clarity as time goes on, and I am noticing that I am finding myself pulled toward doing things that I am naturally gifted in. Feeling especially familiar with my purpose, and having a better understanding of the kind of work that suits me, I recall that a few months ago I had a desire to work in a creative and innovative role, that I wanted to be under the mentorship of someone who could help me discover my strengths and talents, and that I wanted to use my strength of communication using the medium of words, and that I wanted to be involved in a company or organization that produces educational content and tools for social benefit and for self-understanding. Oddly enough, some time later, my sister sends me a link to apply for a copywriting/marketing internship for an organization that uses games to promote harmony within quarantined households. Immediately, I knew that this was no consequence. The head of this project would work closely with me, and while I wouldn't call it a mentorship in the traditional sense, she gave me the courage to try the things that I was drawn to and excited about, and continues to provide valuable feedback on my strengths and weaknesses, in addition to what I am observing on my own. It was a struggle for me to rise to the challenge of giving value to this project at first, but as I did my work with a feeling of gratitude and felt worthy of my role, I found myself slowly shifting to work that suited me better and better.

Last week, I was asked to edit a script for a skit that belonged in one of the games, and while I resisted it at first and put it off, when I finally sat down to do it, I found myself losing track of time, just writing funny and clever dialogue. Through that experience, I reconnected to my love of words and storytelling, and my desire to express and teach the patterns of human nature in a way that is fun and intuitive. It also opened my mind to the possibility of someday leading my own company/organization that blends performance art and the technology of the future (two of my deep fascinations) to expand people's awareness of life and nature, and help guide them to healthy and conscious living. Although I am not crystal clear and definite about what my dream career looks like (right now I am , I am optimistic that I am on the path to discovering that, and that I am capable of integrating all of my life's experiences to my purpose. And I've noticed some awesome surprise side effects since then, like increased energy, random spurts of abnormally coherent and imaginative thinking, vibrant skin, and as a man, a sense of groundedness, mission, and meaning.

What can I say? Thank you, LEO!

I'll try to write more on this thread, mainly for the clarity and storytelling practice I get from it. If you read through this, I would suggest that you make a habit of making distinctions between activities that serve you, and those that do not. There is a great lesson behind every little thing you do.

 

 

[Sash]

Recommitting to the Path

One of the most profound disciplines that I've been experimenting with lately is semen retention, or the practice of Bhramacarya, as it is known in the Vedic philosophy.

When I reflect on the ways in which my life is so drastically different from what it was a year ago, I can't help but to accredit much of the newfound energy, success, and overall life stability to this basic non-action. While I did just have a relapse yesterday, there is no doubt in my mind that much of the inner transformations that have occurred or are beginning to manifest for me in my outward reality, is because I chose to respect and ally with this very potent life force within me.

What I Learned from a 14 Day Stretch

I've been meditating as a discipline on and off for about three years now, but none of the benefits were being integrated into my life until I decided to become a Bhramacari. What I noticed after three days was that I had an extra jolt of aliveness and a very noticeable vibrancy to my very being. As I increase in my body awareness, I noticed that my prana, or life energies, could be more readily sensed and manipulated at will. On top of my daily hatha yoga routine, I've employed a basic kriya meditation, which I took from Sadhguru. This simple breathing into the root chakra and breathing out of the third eye chakra leaves a noticeable electric feeling along my spinal column, and I know that the extra energy coming from the base of my spine is a direct effect of the stored energy inherent in my own semen.

Try not thinking about/doing PMO for a few days, and you will feel a kind of "gripping sensation" or a "pull" happening in the same place as your perineum, between the anus and genitals. When I notice this sensation happening, I know that this is a very raw form of energy buildup that I can direct to the other chakras and throughout the body. The more I study the science of yoga, the more I am conscious of this raw energy and its capabilities. This is the same energy that I would habitually release in the past, but now it has become a tremendous asset  to my health and spiritual progression.

The semen is really like fuel for prana; it's actually a subtle form of energy known by yogis as ojas, the same energy that is found in pure blood, honey, and ghee or clarified butter. Besides being a very healing kind of substance, ojas can be converted into prana through transmutative practices such as kriya meditation and hatha yoga.

10 Benefits I Noticed

1. A fire in my balls that gets me out of the house and on the chase for the wonder of existence; a lust for life.
2. Animals love to be around me. About a week after semen retention, I kept encountering an abundance of rabbits, squirrels, and sometimes cats in my backyard every so often.
3. Girls I've just met speak to me as if they've known me for years.
4. Groundedness and people magnetism. I might be in a hall at school or at a park meditating, and feel for some reason that I should pick a particular spot and root myself there, like a tree. Even if I am there alone or if there are only a few people around, after some time I find that there are more people around than when I first got there.
5. I find myself in seemingly random situations that, upon reflection, I realize happened to propel me to find that next piece of information, that next important person, or that next opportunity to help me progress in my life and in my purpose. A few weeks ago I had just met this girl, when she suggested that I go with her to get registered to vote. In the office where I registered, I received a pamphlet about a volunteer opportunity that was suited to my talents and the skills that I want to learn.
6. I find it difficult to sit around and waste my life. I hardly play video games anymore, when I used to play about 4 hours a day habitually a year ago.
7. People are more receptive to my ideas, more trusting in my plans, and more eager to come along in my daily adventures. I appreciate my friends more.
8. My skin is colorful and has a special glow to it. As I look at my hands now, having relapsed yesterday, they look pale, dry, and almost dead compared to how they looked during that 2 week period.
9. Facial symmetry and depth of voice. I took a picture of myself every day during these 2 weeks, and you can clearly see that my cheekbones and jawline became sharper, my neck got slightly thicker, and my eyes, brow, mouth, and ears got straighter and more symmetrical. The quality and shine of my hair also improved greatly.
10. More and better sex. Both the depth and quantity of the sex I've had these past few weeks has been unprecedented. Mind you, this is coming from a guy who essentially spent most of last year in a victim/hermit mode where I was quite literally afraid to go outside and at the same time wondering why I was invisible. This last point is something of a blessing and a curse, as the only time I really ejaculate these days is when I fail to control myself in bed. Still, I am trying to learn how to integrate sexuality with this practice, and working to gain a greater agency over my reproductive muscles so that this does not happen.

 

Edited October 24, 2020 by Sash

[RendHeaven]

This is very inspiring

Keep it up, I am eager for updates~

[Sash]

Woah

It's funny. When I had (what I consider to be) my first glimpse of oneness on psilocybin mushrooms, I felt in my heart that my whole life would suddenly go through a drastic change, partly because of the tremendous ecstacy I now know is possible to experience in life, and mostly because of the incredible freedom that comes with realizing that as consciousness, you cannot die. And yet, 11 months later, I can't say that life has been a total joyride of purpose, meaning, and constant winning.

I just got up from my daily meditation. Today I tried being aware of any negative emotions held in my body as sensations, and really feeling into them to allow the process of letting go. This has been one of the most practical and tangible meditation techniques I've tried so far, almost scarily so.

I'm realizing in these sessions that I'm still holding on to and validating a wide array of limiting beliefs. These beliefs appear to be:

- Manifesting in my body as uncomfortable sensations

- Related to the subtle body's energy centers

- Contributing to physical and emotional disease

There seems to be a cluster of these sensations along the lumbar region, which I intuit as a manifestation of all the guilt, grief, and depressive thinking I've allowed to accumulate so far in my life. There's enough negativity there to give me a mild backache throughout the day, and give my spine a slight unnatural curve. I know the backache is related to these emotions because they coincide with each other.

Another hotspot for bad vibes has been my throat center, which makes sense because I've had a fear of expressing myself that I can date back to my elementary school days, when I felt like I had to act a certain way to fit in and didn't want to seem like a geek who liked to write poems and be philosophical because that was the opposite of what the "cool" kids were doing.

Lastly, there's the dread in my stomach. It's where I've stuffed all my worst fears in the hopes they would never surface. The dread I feel is the fear that my fears are coming true. It's a hollow feeling that tells me that it's over; that I've lost the game of life in the most pathetic way: never even starting. 

These are all caged demons that I know I have to starve out, but it's like I keep sliding them heaps of food, and what's worse is that I enjoy doing it. That's what makes letting go so difficult. You don't realize how attached you are to the very things that hold you back. Ain't that a bitch?

 

 

Aftereffects

"The content of fear may be intense and gripping, so much so that it overwhelms us completely. But when we look beyond that content at the fear itself, what do we find? Pure energy, energy which, if we focus on it directly, will begin to reveal its real nature. Then, instead of filling us with agitation, the energy of fear can actually lead us to a state of exhilaration, or intense concentration, or love."

                                                                                                                                                                                                  —Ancient Hindu Scripture

When you know that your darkest emotions can eventually be conquered, that's when the shift happens. It's when you know that there is something beyond  your worst fears inside you that you find the strength to overcome them. And make no mistake about it. That something is love.

I felt into my heart, just a few inches above where the dread was in my stomach. That's where I found this love, a love that would be willing to be born again and again just to face this fear. It's a cause for rejoice if you ask me.

 

 

Edited January 27, 2021 by Sash

[Blackbeat]

O my

[Sash]

Dehydrated thoughts

Definitely took way too much armodafinil today. I feel like a floating head. Did some yoga and realized that I couldn't feel into my body, but I had more endurance. My headstand was a lot longer. I lied down to rest and tried to feel into my body but it wasn't really working. Eventually I did feel something in my chest, a feeling that I interpreted as mistrust, a fear of God. It's the accumulation of all the times I got backstabbed or misled by something that seemed to be love at first, and then turned out to be something else.

It's just another cluster of old programming that I need to let go.

[Sash]

SPEND AS MUCH TIME AS YOU CAN MASTERING Human-Centered Design, Leading a team of software engineers, persuasion speech, and businesss and marketing!!!!!1\SPEND AS MUCH TIME AS YOU CAN MASTERING Human-Centered Design, Leading a team of software engineers, persuasion speech, and businesss and marketing!!!!!1

SPEND AS MUCH TIME AS YOU CAN MASTERING Human-Centered Design, Leading a team of software engineers, persuasion speech, and businesss and marketing!!!!!1

[Sash]

Love finding unique masters of their craft like this guy. What's incredible is that no one sees his paintings and thinks, "Oh, did you do that in Microsoft Excel?".

Edited July 10, 2021 by Sash
“The problem is that we humans are deep conformists.” ― Robert Greene

[Sash]

I recently received initiation into a practice known as Shambhavi Mahamudra. It's a series of kriya yoga techniques done twice daily. With this practice, I feel a strong need to keep it a secret in my personal life. One reason is that I like keeping these gems for myself, and another is that I just want to see the results do the talking.

 

[Sash]

Some Thoughts on Initiation

In the moments where I'm very relaxed, it's like I can feel the level of vibrancy in my body, and how my thoughts are directly conjuring chains of stored emotions. From my perspective, they are chains of bondage. I can't really be free if I am relying on past emotions to determine the next best course of action. I've found body awareness to be a useful technique for me while practicing self-inquiry. As I get better at noticing the subtleties of this awareness, I have noticed that in its own way it does respond to the thoughts. To read about the mind-body connection is one thing but to experience and appreciate the possibility that it is is another.

You can use your body as mind! Body and mind are not two things. They are the same thing. The intelligence does not just stop at the brain. Intelligence is what you are, and you still don't know where you are, let alone what you are.