Life purpose

[28 cm unbuffed]

I started my self-development journey 3 years ago when I was 26.

Classic situation - mother yells at her useless son, he is getting all puffy and he leaves his house, his eyes are full of tears. He does not know what to do next. The first thing that seems right - let's find a job and leave the mother's basement to start living on my own. Checked. I am a programmist, living in a big city on my own.

Next step - look for a purpose. I started to ask people about it and I find self-development. Tim Ferris, Leo Gura, you name it. I'm hooked, like a drug addict. I can read this shit 24/7. I am addicted to this shit. LIke has meaning again, let's fucking go. Hearing Leo saying "only 1% of people will finish my Life Purpose course" only gives me more motivation. I am acing this shit. I have a vision board, I am doing affirmations, visualizations, and all of that shit every day. I'm the king of life. 

Psychedelics, meditation, exercising, diet, reading, I am doing all of it. Here comes this girl out of nowhere. The fucking goddess. She likes me, but I have no idea what to do with girls, I am a fucking n00b. I learn really quick tho, But she becomes my new addiction now and it's not that good, as I will soon find out.

After a year doing self-development work, ups and downs, chasing this bitch I find out that she is a whore. Literally. I was chasing a fucking whore. I find out that people that I was surrounding myself with are full of shit too. They say one thing and do the other. They are wasting their lives, yet, they are the smartest people on Earth, telling you, that you are fucked up, deluded and who do you think you are.

I changed city, found a piece, my aunt is here and she is a first person after years of being surrounded by narcissists that really gets me and has empathy for me. 

She has nothing to prove, nothing to get from me, she is not a prideful, lying, manipulative piece of shit. She is full of love and will to help. I can see my value again, I am an independent man, I am a free person, I don't need anyone to make me happy, yet, something is not right. 

The life purpose course that I did was to become a self-development guru, like Leo or RSD guys. I love reading this shit, learning it, practicing it. I don't see myself as a teacher tho, I don't really give a fuck about making a world a better place, I suck at explaining things. This "purpose" was something that my mother wanted me to be, a teacher. Breaking bound with this bitch girl (representation of my arrogant, prideful, stupid mother, hello Freud), made me realise all of that.

I am in this weird stage of my life, where I feel like just travelling the world, partying with girls, having fun and enjoying myself. I want to create financial freedom for myself that will let me achieve all of this. But once again - none of this has fucking meaning. I will get bored. It's like chasing phantoms, why even bother, fuck all of this pain, suffering, the fucking journey. I would just kill myself if I had enough courage. Life is meaningless (yeah, I know, it's a good thing, because you can find meaning on your own, blah blah blah..). I will get bored of it too. Enlightenment is the shit and will make me happy forever? COOL, that's true, for sure, I will get happy about having to work like a shithead for nothing, it has to be true, let me follow that. 

Fuck that shit, God is like a fucking sadist who likes to watch all of this soap opera called life eating popcorn and having fun of us shitheads, people. What a loving fucking piece of shit he is. Who are we kidding here?

Prove me wrong with all of this. There will be someone in a second telling me "it's a journey that will make you happy, experiences, the lessons". Cool. But what is the lesson from a point where I am right now and I've been here like 1000 times already? That in the end it doesn't fucking matter ~Chester, Linking Park.

Because you will end up in the exact same place, every time. Why fucking bother?

A hamster wheel we call life.

[universe]

What do you want?

[ShivaShakti]

You are doomed to be free sir. You maybe need a shift in perspective for a while. You are essentially a part of God that God created to maybe entertain itself. So go and live, have experiences, give God some good experiences or something, take this life thing for what it's worth and experience whatever it throws at you, see what you learn, and stop whining about it. Or don't. 

[28 cm unbuffed]

I talked to my aunt and she told me one thing, Jesus' style.

Love is the most important thing in the world. Without it, nothing else seems to have meaning. 

That was the part that I was missing in my life purpose sheet/vision board.

[Average Investor]

Sure, life is pretty meaningless. The more reason to get out there and make it exactly how you want it to be. If you had all the time in the world, then you wouldn't be nearly as motivated to create an excellent life. Do what feels right and explore more avenues. 

[flowboy]

On 26-4-2020 at 8:39 PM, 28 cm unbuffed said:

Prove me wrong with all of this.

So that someone can say something hopeful to you, and then the devil inside you would argue against that, basically playing the game of arguing yourself into the ground, with other people representing the positive role in the debate? Yeah no thanks, I've seen it countless times people trying to play this game. It doesn't help anyone and it's sucking energy from others. Switch the roles!


Since you provided basically a rant with no clear question, I'll take a shot in the dark and try to say something helpful: you seem to be running away from something. Mother issues, amongst maybe other things. So she wasn't there for you or did not provide something you needed, or mistreated you in some way. Something. (and how's your relationship with your father?)

Getting away is one step in the right direction, you took that, great. But now, not everything is solved. Damage incurred from childhood remains there until you confront it head-on. And this is reflected in your life. You are meeting a lot of people that are full of shit and you can not trust, in your perception. This is not random. It's because you don't trust people, that you attract people that you cannot trust. And this goes back to childhood. Somewhere along the way you learnt that you can't trust. Maybe a caretaker rejected you. Something.

The good news is that you can resolve this without talking it out with your actual parents, or whoever were influential characters when you were young. Because this issue is to be hashed out with the versions of those people that you keep around from back then. Imaginary people, stuck there coloring your life black from your unconscious.

The bad news is that you need to find a good therapist and confront this shit head-on. I had very good results with primal therapy, so I'd recommend that. And if you are finally ready to stop running and do the real work, then it's possible to flip your experience of life 180 degrees, where you effortlessly meet amazing, positive, trustworthy people everywhere.

[28 cm unbuffed]

@flowboy

It's all happening right now. I started to believe in people when I moved to another city and started to hang out with my aunt here. I tested her a lot of times, but right now, I trust her and I love her and her family. It's more about - when you are able to trust yourself, you start trusting the others, like attracts like and you are able to recognize that in others. You know how someone full of shit and lies acts when you will start to see that in yourself.

About the mother's issue - I misunderstood love as suffering my whole life. That's why I suffered - because that was normal. I punished myself for everything "bad" because that's how I was raised and that was the only way that I could get any results, right? Love is also suffering, so I have to suffer for girls and become a fucking doormat, right? Imagine how my life looked like with these beliefs. 

Not seeing sense in all of this doesn't seem so fucked up now?

All I wanted my whole life and the only thing that will give my life meaning again is love. I want someone who I will love and who will love me back. Someone that I can live for. Not just myself, not to prove myself, not to become a better self. I did all of that shit, I proved myself a lot already, I reached awakening in 3 years of work, not bad, huh? All I need is love ~John fucking Lennon uhhhh

 

 

[Member]

I think that the life purpose is simply to live. There's no higher purpose. I've been wondering about this for a long time and the only answer I found is that Life is for living. No hidden meaning. We like to complicate things because we're afraid of death, of being nothing.

[28 cm unbuffed]

@Member

Yeah, the journey is the ultimate purpose.

[fridjonk]

7 hours ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

I want someone who I will love and who will love me back.

This is because you don't love yourself. Stop chasing girls, and reconnect with you, not seeking to love others so then you can finally love yourself. It doesn't work like that. 

[28 cm unbuffed]

@fridjonk

You're saying that wanting to love someone and someone to love you back is actually not the way? 

I don't get that, I want to give my love to someone, why is that a bad thing? 

[fridjonk]

@28 cm unbuffed You want to escape loving yourself, by loving someone else. This is a classical spiritual trap, self-love is the only cure! This is why relationships always end up falling apart, because people don't love themselves so they take it out on the other person, or if it does work out, they suppress their problems. 

Self Love, Self Love, Self Love! 

Why?

Because the Self is the only thing there is! 

Once you love yourself, you love the universe and every being in it. 

[28 cm unbuffed]

@fridjonk

Damn, that was a tricky one. How do I know when "I'm there" already?

I mean - it all sounds great, but I'm 29 already and I really would love to start getting serious about my life, finding a girlfriend, etc.

Who knows when I will reach a point when I will fully love myself, I just don't want to die lonely lol.

I already spent 3+ years single, to get to a point, when I will finally love myself fully, to give myself permission to get a girlfriend, and when I thought that I'm there already, you are saying to me: "It's a trap dude". Come on... 

Edited April 29, 2020 by 28 cm unbuffed

[fridjonk]

@28 cm unbuffed hehe, ye that's the way of life. I'm not saying you can't get a girlfriend, not at all actually! I'd even say maybe just go ahead and do that. But! don't expect that it will solve any of your deep problems. Try and do some shadow work or contemplate your fears. 

9 minutes ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

I just don't want to die lonely lol.

Like this fear. Why is it that people are afraid to die lonely? You will die lonely either way, whether it's with a loved one or not, death is a lonely road. Until you realize that death was just fiction, a made-up belief, so you could survive in this world. 

You will know you fully love yourself when all desires drop, such as "I don't want this, I don't want that, I want this, I want that". You will not need anything because you won't lack anything. But this is already the case, you are perfect, and you don't lack anything, you just think you do and have yet to realize this. 

[28 cm unbuffed]

I am not really afraid of that. It would be just a sad, lonely, unjoyful existence.

Why the fuck I just wrote that? ^

 

Edited April 29, 2020 by 28 cm unbuffed