Lessons from 1000 panic attacks

[Shark]

I wrote the following text during a solo meditation retreat in September 2019. It was my initial intention to publish it, but it never made it onto this forum -- until I came across it again these days, going through my personal files.

Disclaimer: What I am describing here is my personal experience. I do not imply that it is or it is not the right thing for you. I am not a doctor or therapist, hence this is not a medical advice. I cannot be held liable for your actions or results (or lack of them). Be responsible with your health. In case you need professional advice, please seek it.

Over the course of the last 3 years, I have experienced around 1000 panic attacks. I never counted them, but multiplying the timespan with average frequency, this is the approximate number I got.

I will proceed with a series of questions and answers. Please understand that they are relative. It is things I have experienced and things that worked for me. Do not take them as fact or that they will do the same for you as they did for me. But feel free to ask questions, if you think it can help you.

What is a panic attack? My definition of a panic attack is: an episode during which I believed that my life is in mortal danger.

Why am I writing this? Two reasons. 1) It’s a part of my healing process. 2) To give hope to anyone, who is stuck in fear-fueled cycle of panic attacks.

How did I break the cycle? Consciousness. Raising my consciousness. It was very low when I started off. Raising it was the only effective method I found. It still took approximately 1½ years from the point I started raising my consciousness (thanks Leo!) until the point when panic attacks considerably subsided. Note: I’m not saying raising consciousness is the only way to go. Let me know what worked for you.

What didn’t work? Only reflecting or analyzing my panic attacks (it can help, but not by itself). My consciousness was just too low. Fearful thoughts were immediately bought into. This then quickly escalated into panic. At that point, you fully believe the negative thoughts your mind is serving. What is needed is a gap between the fear rising and you reacting on it. Consciousness gives you that.

What was the worst of it? Calling an ambulance in the middle of the street (2 times, one week apart), because I was CERTAIN I was going to die that instant (heart attack). Taken to ER both times, checked and being told that my mind tricked me.

What was the best of it? Without it, I would probably never have given non-duality a chance and really get into self-help.

What was the turning point? Finding a therapist, who is grounded in non-duality. Questioning death and raising of consciousness followed.

Did meditation help? Not immediately, but in the long term, definitely. Because it helps to raise consciousness. In the beginning it was pure hell – anxious person with panic doesn’t like to sit still and do nothing. If I could do 5 minutes it was already a lot. Thankfully this changed since

What is at the root of a panic attack? Fear of in-existence (=death) and trying to resist it. This implies you believe you exist as a separate entity in this universe (human body) and that you will stop existing at the time of death.

What is real? During the worst panic attacks, I absolutely believed I was dying. Hence, whatever feels real is real. On the absolute level however, there is no distinction between real and unreal. In other words, it is groundless. (You can find relative ground though )

Where am I now? I’m pretty much over the worst of it, rarely get a panic attack, but there is a lot of trauma still stuck in the body. Part of releasing it, is sharing with others, like this text here.

What kind of advice would I appreciate? Anything you may think is useful will do Although my focus currently is on researching trauma release techniques.

Do I know everything about panic/panic attacks? NO. I’m always open to learning and listening to experience of others. At the end of the day, what I’m sharing here is my current POV, the best I know at this point.

Important points:

1. Raise consciousness (e.g. meditation, consciousness practice).
2. Question everything (aka be open for anything – this is an entry point into non-duality: if you’re not open for anything, you will not really listen to non-duality).
3. Find a therapist, preferably one grounded in non-duality (really important, as fear of death is at the root)
4. Mind lies, usually a lot, unless you’ve done quite some work on yourself.

Thanks for reading. I welcome any feedback

[RacerX]

I think many panic attacks are caused by toxicity, especially mercury and heavy metal toxicity. What say you?

[Shark]

On 4/28/2020 at 1:09 AM, RacerX said:

I think many panic attacks are caused by toxicity, especially mercury and heavy metal toxicity. What say you?

Hi RacerX,

I guess heavy metals can make the condition worse. But I cannot confirm nor deny it, because I never investigated it for myself.

What happened with me is that there were deep psychological misconceptions about reality, strong fear of death and also hypochondria. All of these are illusions on different levels of the mind/consciousness. By far the biggest of them are imagining dying in the "future" and losing "everything" -- yet another illusion (you never have anything, but you can imagine it and forget that you are imagining it --> feels "real").

Are you experiencing panic attacks?

[Michael569]

Thank you for sharing your story, this is very encouraging!  Have you done anything in terms of your lifestyle & diet that you think was helpful as well> 

[Zec]

Experienced hormonal deficiencies due to these experiences. Taken propranolol, lived on my edge doing toastmasters, talked to people bout trauma. Feeling better even during the epidemic and other event. Also Kriya yoga has done wonders. 

[Shark]

On 5/10/2020 at 4:05 PM, Michael569 said:

Thank you for sharing your story, this is very encouraging!  Have you done anything in terms of your lifestyle & diet that you think was helpful as well> 

Hi Michael569,

Sorry for the late reply, there were so many other things happening in my life right now.

Lifestyle didn't need to change dramatically, as it was more about what's happening on the inside.

But some things I added:

- Regular therapy (weekly/bi-weekly).

- Meditation.

- Retreats (two guided ones per year, when possible; + as many short solo retreats as possible).

- Educating myself about human psychology (Leo has many videos explaining fundamentals; super useful stuff to build up your own foundation for understanding).

- Challenges -- intentionally exposing myself, planning what to face (e.g. flying -- for a person with panic attacks being stuck in a metal tube for hours is almost unimaginable).

- Exercise (Qi Gong/Tai Chi, cycling, running upstairs ...)

- Self-reflection.

- Journaling.

(... Actually I didn't know there were so many things I changed/added. Thanks for your question, it really made me look!)

In general I'd say it's important to recognize your triggers and address them, without overwhelming yourself (that will often back-fire, although not always -- it can also be a positive surprise -- oh, I didn't know I can go through that and be OK).

While digging through some old files, I came across the following list (attached). Maybe you can create one like this for yourself.

Hope this helps. If you have any detailed questions, just let me know  Panic attacks suck, but you can completely free yourself from them (or at least get them to a completely acceptable level).

P.S. Looking back now, for me, fear of a panic attack was one of the worst fears.

P.P.S. Sorry Michael569, I just realized I made an assumption when writing the reply -- that you are seeking advice for yourself. But maybe you were just curious in general. Hope it helps either you or some else

Edited May 29, 2020 by Shark