My perception has changed

[Galyna]

When thinking about the future, I have a feeling that I cannot move into it ( the future).

Seems like my thinking process is not linear anymore. Used to be very linear, I was daydreaming a lot, anticipating and hoping. Now I am "forcing" myself to be in the present moment. This present moment is more chaotic:  memory flashes from the past (this is huge), feeling of uncertainty about the future since it is like a fog, various perceptions unknown to me, etc.

Seems like I do not know anything. I can not trust my knowledge. I am not sure about any things and concepts anymore.  I've started to doubt everything. I have a feeling that I am circling around something significant but I cannot reach it. Future is not so clear and feasible as it used to be. My perception about the future has changed. Because every time I think about the certain  interval in the future, I understand that any thought about the future is just a thought, an idea I can not cling to because it is not real. Also, I know that this " so-called imaginary future" will be totally different from my present thoughts. And there is no point to day dream, but my mind used to daydream a lot. 

The present moment is a little bit suffocating (probably because I am over-analyzing it)  and overwhelming, because all the arrows are pointing at me. Everything is converging onto this focal point which is ever present. When thinking about it, it creates tension. My mind is breaking up. I am teetering on the edge of the abyss, and partially losing my familiar sense of sanity. My mental state and flow energy used to be more focused. Now, my feelings are everywhere…slowly sliding on the roller coaster, up and down. 

Guys, have you ever experienced anything like that? I can not say that the monkey mind has taken over me, but I have a weird feeling of perception. My perception has changed. And I am not sure what has triggered it. I do not have the familiar feeling/sensation of myself. 

I do not even know if I want to go that far…I have a very heavy feeling in my chest. I have never experienced anything like that before. And the more I think about my self-development and enlightenment, the heavier it gets. I was even thinking to forget about it, this forum, my books, YouTube videos, and get back to "amusement park again". But I am not sure if I can go back…"The self" will be chasing me anyway. 

[Verdesbird]

daydreaming a lot

sure is

[GodDesireOnlyLove]

there is no present moment

there is, just what is

[Galyna]

@Verdesbird Sorry...I am not sure what you are trying to say.

[Galyna]

@GodDesireOnlyLove thanks for the comment...I do appreciate it a lot now.

 

10 hours ago, GodDesireOnlyLove said:

there is no present moment

there is, just what is

Then why "this" is  so confusing and it does not feel ordinary...any more... ?

Edited April 26, 2020 by Galyna

[Verdesbird]

1 minute ago, Galyna said:

@Verdesbird Sorry...I am not sure what you are trying to say.

'' I can not trust my knowledge. I am not sure about any things and concepts anymore.  I've started to doubt everything''

its just like in a dream 

too much monkey mind

hope this helps ...
 

 

[cetus]

@Galyna sounds like a transitional phase of the dropping of the ego. I hate using the phrase "ego death"

[Galyna]

@cetus Thanks...seems it has been forever when you posted in my threads

Hell...I do not know anymore. I think it is time to drop it....for sure. As I am sick of it, lol.... "it" always wants something.....

Another thing that has changed is this: when I think about others, I always think that they are a part of my subjective experience, there are no others. It feels great, but lonely. Also, when looking at it from this angle, everything does not make any sense. Because who am I without the people I love? Do not know how to explain. When you are building a house, let's say, others are your bricks, when there are no others, plus the ego is dropping, you can not build a house (paradigm). 

[Galyna]

@Verdesbird Got it

 thank you.

[cetus]

@Galyna no matter what the subjective experience it's all God. It's all God. It's all God.

[zeroISinfinity]

1 minute ago, cetus said:

@Galyna no matter what the subjective experience it's all God. It's all God. It's all God.

❤️. Yes Truth. 

Oh sweet years of atheism and materialism. Deluded as fuck. 

God / Love 

It is felt as such holy fuck. Need to wake up this can't be possible. 

[zeroISinfinity]

What does it make me feel as "Alex" as I see it now it is offloading responsability. Did I pretended or was just naive as fuck. Making various sorts of conceptual notions of Dream itself and getting lost in it creating dream in that new way and again repeating same process. 

[cetus]

50 minutes ago, zeroISinfinity said:

Oh sweet years of atheism and materialism. Deluded as fuck. 

   But then again ultimately it is God that created the Bugatti Chiron

[GodDesireOnlyLove]

@cetus ho god it's more artistic than my autistic cold answer, I love it.

I wish it wasn't imaginary, but I m too much of a nerd to even appreciate the perfection of using a bugatti

 

@remember hey, I don't allow you to say that, you triggered my relative god identity over here

Edited April 26, 2020 by GodDesireOnlyLove

[traveler]

Yea Ive been there for a while. I guess you could say, the ego is slowly dying into what is happening. 

Do you get these huge transitions from loud thoughts to absolute stillness? I get these at night sometimes and it has made me realize the actual power of thoughts. The ego is an all engulfing trance like state. Awakening is literally like waking up from a dream. The stories that was put on top of this "isness" simply falls away. What is left is the total unknowingness that this is. This is the opposite of what the ego wants. The ego wants to know what this is, because knowing creates meaning and security. This can be terrifying, as there is actually no reason to why this IS. Its total anarchy.

Edited April 26, 2020 by traveler

[GodDesireOnlyLove]

@remember so beautiful ?❤️ you got me 

[Galyna]

@zeroISinfinity What does make me feel as "Galyna", obviously my surrounding, people I guess. 

[Galyna]

@cetus Thank you for the response. When thinking about God, it is rather abstract to me. So many years I was escaping it (this word), now I have to return back to it again.

[Galyna]

9 hours ago, remember said:

it is a distortion of time because of course in truth you are not moving in time, time is always moving in you. ?

you built it there, so its not only moving in you but with you, wherever you go.?

I just wonder how do you guys live when understanding this concept so deeply or having just a direct experience of it, of "no time". 

Actually, it is a bit scary going down that rabbit whole...feels like I am loosing my mind  Ego hates it. Once I was meditating and I got this understanding somehow of "no time". It freaked me out so much. The feeling was like: I am in the jar, with no limbs. 

[Galyna]

7 hours ago, traveler said:

Do you get these huge transitions from loud thoughts to absolute stillness?

See, I do not know how to explain this to you...

If I literary live like other people all the time, it would drive me insane. I hate inner dialog and loud thoughts.  Maybe five years ago or something, thoughts started to appear in a very nice and comfortable way. They were not showering my mind, but rather appeared out of nowhere with some intervals. Ofc, when I am stressed, I would drive myself insane by analyzing situation, speaking with myself (inner dialog) but thanks God it is not very often. I would not say my thoughts are loud. Sometimes, my thoughts are not words at all, but rather images or a film about past memories, or sensations. It depends on my mental state. If I am peaceful, then I am blank. When angry or stressed, then this inner hygiene is in dis-balance. 

Edited April 26, 2020 by Galyna