My confession

[Bjorgan]

Possibly about a year or so ago, I came on this forum under the mask of being someone I wasn't, telling myself that my interest was in "growth" and "knowledge". What I really wanted was external validation and justification for my own self-loathing, the survival mechanism I used to stay safe throughout my childhood.

I lied about who I was, what I did for a living, and made a personal attack on Leo. Which, I presume I'll hear at some point was really an attack on myself - an attempt to supress my own ability to love. I attacked him also because I felt that if I could get him to hate me, I could justify my own self-hate. After a few months of the façade, I asked to be banned from the forums on that profile because I started using the skills taught here as a means of coping and escape.

I have moved into a new space and am looking at new movements in my life that carry potential - potential that I'm starting to see I have the power to decide. I am starting a new job as a PCA for a man with Palsy who runs a video game accessibility business. I see so much of my own past and paradigm within him. I plan to use this opportunity in caring for this person to amplify my live and care for myself, to work on finally caring for my own body, and to decondition myself of the societal stigmas that encouraged me to hate myself in the first place.

For those wondering, I would prefer to redact my old forum name for the sake of moving forward. If it's an administrative issue, I'm happy to talk to an admin about it.

Thanks,

Bjørgan

Edited April 25, 2020 by Bjorgan

[Zanoni]

1 hour ago, Bjorgan said:

I came on this forum under the mask of being someone I wasn't,

Hmm.. sounds like me

1 hour ago, Bjorgan said:

 What I really wanted was external validation and justification for my own self-loathing,

Getting warmer

1 hour ago, Bjorgan said:

I lied about who I was, what I did for a living, and made a personal attack on Leo. Which, I presume I'll hear at some point was really an attack on myself

Bingo! I found myself in yourself

[Tristan12]

@Bjorgan that’s really cool how mature and vulnerable you’re being saying this. I respect that