Always Getting Overattached

[EvanAndrew]

Hi everyone,

After my college graduation back at the end of April, all my college friends moved far away back home (most out of state), I stopped played video games, and I searched for something in my environment to stimulate me.  I ended up watching a lot of The Office again and started dating this girl.  At first, it was just a nice thing that I knew would be temporary until I left for graduate school in the fall, but I got attached to her really quickly.  I tend to get attached to girls really quickly, so I wasn't surprised at this, but I think my mindset at the beginning allowed me to take my time to get to know her.  After a few days, I felt that her and I really clicked, and I started wanting to see her twice a week rather than once a week.  After about the 6th date, she told me that her and a guy broke up a week or two before graduation, and she had thought she would have moved on by then, but still hadn't.  I was supportive and told her I'd support whatever she needs to do to be happy, and she decided to give it a chance. Anyways, fast forward another 3-4 weeks, and she breaks things off because she doesn't want to keep dragging me through it.  I was pretty devastated.  I was already feeling extremely depressed while waiting patiently for her to progress things, and this made matters even worse.

However, I've been following Leo's advice and have been trying my best to learn about myself.  So far, I've learned that in my current mindset and state, I'm not capable of taking relationships slowly and getting overeager about progressing things.  I don't show it to whichever girl I'm interested in, and I provide the necessary space, but I'm a wreck whenever I'm by myself and not talking to them.  I think that this over-attachment lies with two things: my disappointment with my social life and my addiction to stimulation.  I have been working on my social life, and I'm positive that that will improve when I move on to graduate school in a month, but the desire to be in a healthy relationship is harder for me to work on.  I meditated for the first time ever today at really nice place in a hiking trail near my house.  I hope that through consistent meditation and patience, I'll be able to train my brain and my mind that I don't need to stimulate it with a relationship or a video game in order to feel happiness.  I have one question, however: how is it possible for me to have a healthy relationship without feeling like I need the other person around me to be happy.  I understand that proper meditation will help rid that need and over eagerness, but I'm afraid that if I start a relationship without completely removing that desire, I'll just fall back into my old cycle of neediness and over attachment.  

Am I misunderstanding meditation or misinterpreting what I need to do to solve this issue? 

[charlie2dogs]

4 hours ago, EvanAndrew said:

Hi everyone,

After my college graduation back at the end of April, all my college friends moved far away back home (most out of state), I stopped played video games, and I searched for something in my environment to stimulate me.  I ended up watching a lot of The Office again and started dating this girl.  At first, it was just a nice thing that I knew would be temporary until I left for graduate school in the fall, but I got attached to her really quickly.  I tend to get attached to girls really quickly, so I wasn't surprised at this, but I think my mindset at the beginning allowed me to take my time to get to know her.  After a few days, I felt that her and I really clicked, and I started wanting to see her twice a week rather than once a week.  After about the 6th date, she told me that her and a guy broke up a week or two before graduation, and she had thought she would have moved on by then, but still hadn't.  I was supportive and told her I'd support whatever she needs to do to be happy, and she decided to give it a chance. Anyways, fast forward another 3-4 weeks, and she breaks things off because she doesn't want to keep dragging me through it.  I was pretty devastated.  I was already feeling extremely depressed while waiting patiently for her to progress things, and this made matters even worse.

However, I've been following Leo's advice and have been trying my best to learn about myself.  So far, I've learned that in my current mindset and state, I'm not capable of taking relationships slowly and getting overeager about progressing things.  I don't show it to whichever girl I'm interested in, and I provide the necessary space, but I'm a wreck whenever I'm by myself and not talking to them.  I think that this over-attachment lies with two things: my disappointment with my social life and my addiction to stimulation.  I have been working on my social life, and I'm positive that that will improve when I move on to graduate school in a month, but the desire to be in a healthy relationship is harder for me to work on.  I meditated for the first time ever today at really nice place in a hiking trail near my house.  I hope that through consistent meditation and patience, I'll be able to train my brain and my mind that I don't need to stimulate it with a relationship or a video game in order to feel happiness.  I have one question, however: how is it possible for me to have a healthy relationship without feeling like I need the other person around me to be happy.  I understand that proper meditation will help rid that need and over eagerness, but I'm afraid that if I start a relationship without completely removing that desire, I'll just fall back into my old cycle of neediness and over attachment.  

Am I misunderstanding meditation or misinterpreting what I need to do to solve this issue? 

you said: how is it possible for me to have a healthy relationship without feeling like I need the other person around me to be happy.  it will require a change within yourself.  you are functioning as the human identity right now, which is normal for most, but it has its consequences, and it appears you are familiar with consequences to some degree.  many seem to think meditation is the cure for a lot of things, but its not the meditation that cures, it can be used to enable one to experience the real and deeper part of yourself, this is what meditation was meant to be, it can be used for other things, like relaxation, some even use it to program themselves, with some new program, so what you have is the identity that is already programed trying to program itself to do something else,  it seems that it would be much simpler to awaken from the dream and function from the real part of us, and in doing so all the problems, pain, misery of life simply begins to flow away from oneself, and they find peace and the joy of living and doing, rather than dealing with and trying to solve millions of little problems  and in the process you become able to have a relationship without attachments.  unless the change occurs within it wont change without, and for most that takes time, and for most, they will live their entire life and leave the body and never have a clue about who and what they really are and have compiled yet another lifetime of quantum memory, a lot of which may hold consequences.  the answer you seek is inside of you, and when you find it you will have found the cure for this and other problems. 

[Ayla]

8 hours ago, EvanAndrew said:

I have one question, however: how is it possible for me to have a healthy relationship without feeling like I need the other person around me to be happy.

This is called "codependency". It is most often the result of childhood trauma. 

Do a search on this forum for this term. there is plenty of advice. @Natasha is one of those who give great insight into this matter. 

Youtube chanel Spartanlifecoach and Teal Swan might also be useful. 

Meditation is always going to be good, no matter what you're going through or what you perceive as a problem in your life.

My advice is: treat yourself gently, love yourself first. What you are looking for in the other person in fact, is someone that can show love where you cannot. What people like us (yes, I've been there also) attract, are Narcissists. Look into that also. Take things step by step. This might be a life-long process. 

 

 

[egoeimai]

She protected you from her own following misery. She wanted you to stay away in order not to share her sadness ...her own rejection from the other boy.

You should know that this was very good for you.

Although..i think that if u like a girl and you see her sexually/erotically, you should stay away from her business/past/troubles with other people. Maybe she thought you were this guy that could do anything to help her with her own troubles and then she would get attached to you. Maybe she wouldnt like to be attached to anyone. And this is the natural way to live. You should do the same.

Forget about the nice things she has. 

Meditation is good.well done and keep it up.

I think that there is lack of self confidence again. I have wrote it in another posts in this forum. Know that you re an individual that has his own world which contains happiness and u dont have to drag happiness from others in order to live paracitically. Excuse my english. I do my best. Anyway. Do your best to find joy within you. There is nothing in this person that can make you so happy If you dont find happiness in yourself. People cant makes us happy. Healthy relationships are like this. A happy person meets a happy person and they share their happiness and journey. Find your way to be happy. Its important.

[Natasha]

@EvanAndrew

Cory Wayne has info on everything you need to know about relationships and dating for guys (he digs deep into psychology and self-improvement too). Check out his YT channel and his book.