Avoident attachment style

[liamnewsom202]

Ive looked into different types of attachment styles and how they effect relationships. I have realized that i struggled with an avoidant attachment style in my last relationship. I feel really upset now as I knew there were issues back in the relationship its just all hitting me now that my partners need for love and affection was not a sign of co dependancy but of the way relationships actualyl work and my rejection of this is what fed the issue. I have been unrelentlessly worrying and stressing about the logistics of everything. At what point does co dependancy start and at what point are you being a loving caring partner? How do I accept this within myself and come to peace with this past relationship? I felt like her anxious tendancies were a result of childhood divorce issues and that my inability to be loving to her was a result of her clinging and needing validation. I realize now that relationships require validation and support im just stuck on where lines are drawn. 

 

Sorry if this post is all over the place im still shooken up and might seem a little confused and frantic. 

[intotheblack]

If someone is secure in a relationship they have no problem dealing with an anxious type partner.. they are fine with reassuring them and giving/receiving affection.. Or if the partner is sad or moody etc they will be ok with comforting them. 
you know it’s a problem if the relationship is consuming your life, that is when it becomes co dependant. The anxious attachment types didn’t have their deep psychological needs met as a children. so just a little bit of reassurance goes along way.  Even just saying ‘I’m here for you’ can mean a lot.  Same for avoidant, but they are more ‘closed off’ with a protective bubble... ‚why should i give someone my attention or love? Why do they need me so much?‘ But there is actually a hurt deep inside that you have to figure out. 
It can go full circle though and an avoidant can also become an anxious partner, if they get in a relationship with another avoidant. 

The good thing is that you are realising it, so now you can start to learn and grow from it.   
Try being more open.. work on yourself and love yourself until you feel ready to be in an intimate and committed relationship. To be able to give love to another person without boundaries.  Sounds cliche but this is at the root of all relationship problems.. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 25, 2020 by intotheblack

[liamnewsom202]

@intotheblack is it kind of like the anxious relies on the other and unaccepts them self and the dependant is more reliant on itself instead of allowing love. When the anxious doesnt recognize there dependance with somewone who is securely attached how do they deal with the situation? Does it involve cutting ties or mutual acceptance or does it just turn the secure attachment into avoidant 

Edited April 25, 2020 by liamnewsom202
added more

[liamnewsom202]

13 hours ago, Keyhole said:

Maybe just don't date anyone anymore if you're avoidant and someone else needs love from you?
If you can't even offer a normal degree of love, how are you going to handle if your partner gets an illness, or a family member of theirs or friend passes away?
And then what happens when tragedy happens to you?  Do they then have to step in and be the person you can't be for them?
I would contact the ex and let them know it was you and not them so they aren't spending the rest of their lives thinking that desiring a normal degree of human affection isn't some mental affliction that makes them a leper.
That's gaslighting - when you take a normal person and make them think they have problems they don't have.  Go fix it.

If you do decide in the future to date and force another poor soul have to scrape and scratch around for an ounce of affection, make sure they know what they are getting in to beforehand.  Write down your boundaries.  What you want for the relationship, where you want it to go.  Have those boundaries in place before you get into a relationship and use them as a guiding post, and it will not become codependent.

ive been thinking about it and it wasnt that i denyed her love entirely i just developed very avoidant and struggled with it but was trying to "fight" it or make sense of why i felt uninterested and uncaring. I knew deep down that she relied on me and i felt at times more independant like i can handle this myself which i think she struggled with and needed me to be there for her which is entirely fair i just wanted to make it clear to her for her to get help she needs to understand how through not loving herself and seeing she doesnt need me i can recover from my avoidance by giving you love and accepted that i want to show you love and support without getting anxious. I was not secure so i relied on her understanding that or else it just made me feel like i was not understood. If i was more secure i could have accepted that she was that way and gave her love without getting anxious or insecure. I acted out and didnt always understand the bigger picture so it makes sense why we had to cut ties. I wish her all the best and i look to heal and really focus on appreciating my family and working on truly loving myself so that i can not make people hurt again. A part of me is constantly worried and frantic that she feels the way she does but all i know is that i tried my best all i can do is accept the consequences for my actions and cut ties and understand what happened and move on