Intense Fatigue after Meditation. What would be the possible causes?

[Milos Uzelac]

I have another issue besides this one, that regards the fact that I am still very unscheduled in terms of when I have to set time apart, in a fixed daily period of when I should meditate, before the commitments and chores that I have to finish during the day. But this neurophysiological and physiological feeling of exhaustion and a feeling of emotional drainage after meditating mostly typically in the morning time, when I use to do it more often and at mid-day time has been a recurring issue for my practice and work efficiency, I think for almost more than a year now. It is so intense, that afterward after I typically practice an unrefined Samatha, breath focus meditation for about 30 minutes, I have at the end of the session an incoming wave of tiredness that washes over my body and emotion-centered mind that in turn produces strong thoughts and feelings connected to it of wanting to lie down immediately and fall asleep, akin to not being able to stand the upcoming task of being awake, mentally focused and physiologically ready for doing the intended physically draining laborious work I have to do or being mentally focused and active for mental tasks of thinking and writing about stuff I have as a task or chore for college.

Now I can think of several reasons why this occurs for me:

Note: You can skip this long incohesive list since It is just my speculations, that I didn't want to delete and would see to copy/paste somewhere else for self-inquiry and self-examination in a new journal. I have fallen into an incoherent micro hyper-analyzing my whole life up till this point rut and logocentric rut in writing this and was unable to let it go since I felt attached to the text as some sort of work I wasted* time to do and didn't want to just delete it.

1.) Unfinished shadow work and lack of self-love. I have daily recurring thought patterns of the past during this pandemic and of deeply regretting my past choice and actions in the last 2 or more years so since I found this channel, that I took that I now see as useless in the long-term and that I feel in succumbing to the desire to do them I have as a result wasted my potential achieving and succeeding in academic pursuits, mental training and learning to write effectively, consicely and expeditenly in an academic manner by working on commitedly on mastering the language, concepts and sentence phrasing( I am currently in an interregnum period at college of having to earn some requirements to have the ability to take exams on some subjects and some available procrastinated and unfinished exams to pass but not enough to earn state finance to attend college and potential to lose the family pension that I get as part of my deceased mother's work benefits, due to being unable to organize and schedule my study plan and being distracted by it by entertainment and the pursuit of virtual audio-visual pleasure, which I feel almost daily strong regrets about this past trajectory that I took etc.), personal growth and acquiring useful personally transformative experiences that I choose not to pursue due to either fear, dispiritedness, choosing selfish quick-term pleasure and indulgence over the pursuit of love, carefully cultivated and disciplined knowledge acquirement and care towards others, etc.

2)  Feeling regret about my past actions that pop up as thoughts during the day that feel emotionally draining, and I am often unable to let them go since I reason and feel that those past actions led to my current position in my life.

3) The underlying undealt feeling of self-hatred for procrastinating, getting distracted by entertainment and porn and therefore wasting a lot of my time and keeping myself for not realizing my potential (an assistant at college almost 4 months ago said I have the potential for sociology, but that I have an organizing and coherence problem in my work) and in cultivating my writing and speech the only thing I practiced which is writing terms from sociology and coherently, logically and cohesively combining them in a sentence, writing speed, and being skillful enough with effectively communicating and keeping my own rationale and integrity of a viewpoint with other people.

4) That same guilt realization that I had an amazing opportunity that I squandered a lot due to not realizing and being ignorant in how much of a privileged economic (didn't have to get a job) and citizenship position (I have a dual citizenship Canadian and Serbian) I was, in regards to average other people in my country who are struggling too much at work and to earn for a living to sustain themselves, didn't have the same relative financial stability privileges that I had for almost two years, to achieve some academic success, by going to professor consultations and making contacts with them and working committedly and with a plan every day, in passing much of the exams and being on the third year instead of being now effectively stuck in the second year with no exams given due to procrastination and lack of a daily work ethic and long-term strategic planning and organizing.

5) Not socializing and making relationships with people that I was on the same current life state and family history frequency on in the past, and now that I am partially on a different trajectory from, for example, one girl in high school and one girl in college. Missing out on a given opportunity for a first relationship due to fearful cowardice, deluded arrogance, and maintenance of a delusional not grounded in actual reality and/or perceived by others social status.

These are some, not all, of the repeating underlying thought patterns, that I can currently think of, that occur during the day for me, that come up during meditation. But I went off-topic here, more for a self-actualizing and/or relationship thread, sorry. These were my speculations above with what be the energetic blocking instances of feelings connected with thoughts, that I wasn't able to let go and replace with some joyful and pleasant experiences and recent pleasant memories,  that are subconsciously translating in causing this physiological fatigue when I try and after a meditation session during the day.

I would really appreciate and would like to hear from people that went through the same underlying and recurring mediation issues or are/were conscious to know what could be some underlying causes for these mental and physiological fatigues to occur so often and during this set time period during the day (I don't feel almost at all fatigued often during meditating before sleep).

Thank you for setting the time to read this and to maybe if you can help me with some advice and solutions regarding these issues.

And also stay safe and watch out for yourself and your close and loved ones, all of you, during this ongoing pandemic.

Edited April 22, 2020 by Milos Uzelac