Spiritual Review and Progress

[Jai]

Nov 4

+ Spiritual practice: doing it but have to get used to the new schedule. I'm used to a really robust morning practice, and now that's moving to the evening. Got to make sure I can still bring a good attitude to work even though I'm not doing the big spiritual practice before. I have to adapt to the new circumstances and keep doing my best.

+ Attitude of service: Pretty good overall. Bringing pretty good energy to work. Good actions, once and awhile feel a little frustrated but my effort is high.

+ Life habits: Good. My morning study session is solid. I can still work a solid day also. So this is the new habit. During the week solid 2 hour sessions from 5am to 7am before work. On the weekend one bigger session where I treat it kinda like a work day. I want to get minimum of 5 hours and maybe up to 8. Other day off maybe just study off of the computer with notecards.

+ Mental and emotional states: Good today. Right where I need to be. Pretty positive, never got off course. Really nice lunch bike ride where I really felt the presence of God.

Overall: Solid day all around.

[Jai]

Nov 5

+ Spiritual practice: had a good thursday meditation with a friend. Good practice today but I got to find a way to bring something more meaningful in the morning. I've switched it up but I want a better morning prayer session. Also need to put more emphasis on chanting. I think after work is basically the time since I'm doing bike rides to get outside at lunch.

+ Attitude of service: Pretty good today being helpful. Pretty good attitude to help out. So keep that up.

+ Life habits: Good. Really enjoying my morning computer study session. It's really giving me a good reason to get up. It's gonna take a lot of sacrifice but I can do it. Gotta make it sustainable and gotta be in it for the long haul. Will totally be worth it.

+ Mental and emotional states: Good. Had another nice feeling of God connection on a walk after work. Work is pretty intense so I don't really notice it, but on lunch or after work I really feel more and more the presence of God. So I wasn't super energized today, but still a good day overall with my internal states.

Overall: Another day of progress where I moved forward. That's the key. Keep moving forward and keep doing my best. Keep it sustainable, bring in good habits, and just always trust God and keep God first. The success I'm having is all because of my prioritizing God and spirit in my life. So keep that number 1.

[Jai]

Nov 6

- Spiritual practice: Did it but it needs to be more significant and meaningful. Switching up the routine has thrown me off a bit. Study sessions definitely have to be in the morning, but I need to do a better job of working a spiritual practice in. So that's going to be the challenge adapting to the new circumstances and keep God first.

+ Attitude of service: Pretty good. Still need to watch out for being negative or feeling bothered by others. Can't let the stress affect how I interact with others. Got to stay grateful and keep a good attitude and try to be helpful

- Life habits: Good in some areas. First full week in the books with my new study habits. Got to make this the norm. And got to adapt to this. Adapt my spirtual practice. Keep up other good habits that will help fuel this. So it was good since I was able to hit my goal each day. Point is to keep this sustainable and still challenge myself. Negative was with retention. Didn't practice retention and just feel a lack of discipline there.

/ Mental and emotional states: Okay, but not great and where I want to be. Wasn't negative or anything, just not where I want it to be.

Overall: Good day in a lot of ways. But some things not where I want it to be. Tomorrow is a good day to do service for a friend. Plus it's my day off of studying. So can relax a bit and get ready for Sunday where I can put in a full day toward that.

[Jai]

Nov 7

+ Spiritual practice: Different circumstances today but a pretty good job. Just had a nice session of meditation and chanting. Also did a bunch of shorter meditations with a friend.

+ Attitude of service: Good job here. Got up early and cleaned my sisters kitchen. Then met with a sponsee all day which was great. I really tried to have my experience be helpful. Felt good to meet and talk spiritual stuff. Then got my sister a gift card for groceries since i stayed there. Good for me to be on top of these things.

/ Life habits: Okay, got up early, cold shower, but never eat clean at my sisters. Ate some processed food.

+ Mental and emotinal states: Did a good job of building some nice momentum through the day. Woke up not feeling the most energetic or optimistic. Felt a little low energy. But had a nice day, service definitely lifted me up some. So I want to bring this into tomorrow. This is key, I want to keep a high standard here as I'm adapting to a new goal and new demands.

Overall: Big thing is keeping my life sustainable. I'm trying to add 18 hours of study on top of a full time job. No easy way to do this. It's going to take sacrifice. I'm going to push myself to do more. So i have to adapt and this new goal is improtant to me. I look at it like an investment. I want to invest in this course. Problem is I have to adapt to the demands. So i need God more than ever. So with less free time I still have to step up my God game. I can do this, it's just going to be a different set up. So this means making time for God after work for a robust meditation. Morning is going to have to be a shorter prayer and reflection session. But I need to still start my mornings off right. This is going to be tough to adapt to. I've been really benefiting from a long morning session. It really orients me for the day. But now I'm doing 2 hour study sessions before work when I'm fresh. That's the sacrifice. Getting up at 4 to do this. And everything takes time, showering and getting ready, eating breakfast, etc. Still got to have a shorter meaningful prayer and reflection session. So the big challenge is keeping God first since I need that reliance more than ever.

[Jai]

Nov 8

+ Spiritual practice: Really nice evening prayer and meditation session. This is what it will have to look like. I'm swithcing up my schedule and my meditation sessions will have to be in the evening. I still want to do a nice prayer and reflection session in the morning. But the bigger session is for the evening. So I have to prioritize that tiem, really make it important and really do my best to make it the highlight of my day.

+ Attitude of service: Good outward energy. Not stuck in inner turmoil. Brought over a snack to a friend's house when I went to hang. Not a lot of opportunities for service but did okay.

+ Life habits: Good. Becoming very good at fitting in and planning my study sessions. Need clean life habits to get the most out of my study sessions and still handle life.

+ Mental and emotional states: A little slow in the morning but I came around. Just a little off but really ended up having a nice day. Need to really keep up good work here. Biggest threat is sexual distraction / disatisfaction / thoughts of watching porn. Really want good discipline in that area of life so that discipline wears off on other areas. I know I'm building somethign good and I can't have bad habits pull me down.

Overall: Solid day. Moved forward today. That's the theme really, just keep moving forward day at a time. Finished this week strong and looking forward to tomorrow and getting back at my study session.

[Jai]

Nov 9

+ Spiritual practice: Did a good job today of emphasizing my spiritual practice. Really nice morning prayer session. Definitely did a good job htere. Nice meditation session after work. So idea is to keep making this a priority.

+ Attitude of service: Good today at work, really tried to be helpful. Good outward energy and not stuck in self. So want to keep that up. Also just feel like i want to let God work through me and show what is possible, have a good God orientation.

+ Life habits: Also good. Got up early, studied 2 hours, still prioritized spirit. Some exercise but want to do more. good overall.

+ Mental and emotional states: Good, not overwhelmed at work. Focused and not distracted. Moving toward more motivation and confidence and feeling excited about some goals I have. Also recognizing the weakness of entertaining the idea of watching porn. Watched it once over the last 15 months like 3 weeks ago and now it's just mentally present. So want to move past that. Not worth it, it's low performance.

Overall: Solid day. If I can make this sustainable then I'm in good shape for progress with my computer course. It all comes from God. I'm really stepping up and meeting some great circumstances. Doing a lot so I want to keep this up. Just keep relying on God and keep investing in spirit.

[Jai]

Nov 10

+ Spiritual practice: Improvement here. Had a really meaningful morning prayer and reflection session and a nice meditation after work. Feels really natural to settle in to meditation. That's a by product of how consistent I am. Big thing now is adapting to new schedule and making this meaningful like today.

+ Attitude of service: Good emotional space at work. Not too stressed out, not being reactive about things. Need to stay grateful and have outward energy of looking to help. Not stuck in inner turmoil today.

- Life habits: mostly good but looked at some porn subs like bikini pics and stuff. Just mindless wandering on the internet. Got to really see that this will hold me back. Rest of my habits were good but this is something that is problematic.

+ Mental and emotional states: Pretty much where I need to be. Positive and optimistic, pretty confident, didn't fall in to fear or worry. Just generally connected.

Overall: Still the complex area is sex ideal. I feel distracted by this. Low performance here is a detriment to other areas of my life I'm trying to improve. So that's kind of tough because it's a mental distraction and I'm doing okay, but not super clean like before. So this distraction is coming up. So gotta look to improve and really commit.

[Jai]

Nov 11

+ Spiritual practice: Good. Getting used to the new routine. That's a big bonus. Got to find a way to work in chanting. That's the weakness I guess. I'm close to finishing learning this chant but I've stalled out for months. Only way is to do it daily. So that's the area for improvement.

+ Attitude of service; Good all around. Good outward energy and tried to be helpful at work.

/ Life habits: Mostly good. Lots of good discipline, just have been thinking about porn and feeling disatisfied with being single. So I want to improve here I guess. Lost a lot of the really good momentum I had and discipline in this area.

+ Mental and emotional states: Overall in a good spot. Feeling energized about my goals and future. Having a clearer goal is having a good benefit in life so I want to keep this up.

Overall: Doing well. But not feeling as strong in the area of sex ideal. Definitely being distracted and being pull in a wrong direction. Discipline here is beneficial to other areas of life so I want to keep on the path of growth.

[Jai]

Nov 12

+ Spiritual practice: Okay today. Definitely made time but still can improve.

/ Attitude of service: okay but I was a little bothered today. A little upset about a lot going on at work. My actions were okay, but I felt a little off and not really enthusiastic to help others.

/ Life habits: Not the best. A little lethargic. Didn't work out in the morning. Waited to take the cold shower. Some habits were okay, but not up to the high standard I'm setting. A lot of this was the product of not practicing retention last night. Need to keep retention during the week.

/ Mental and emotional states: A little dull. Also a little off. Not really optimistic. and definitely didn't feel as strong as normal.

Overall: Not the best day but not a bad day either. Not up to the high standard I'm setting so I want to improve with this. A lot of this was the by product of not retaining last night and feeling a little dip in energy and vitality. I was compromising on some good habits and there are results from this. So got to get back to what works tomorrow.

[Jai]

Nov 13

+ Spiritual practice: Really nice meditation session. After I studied all day I sat down to a really settled spiritual session. I'm so consistent that I can settle in to meditation quite easily. Want to repeat this tomorrow.

+ Attitude of service: Not a lot of opportunity, but decent outward energy today. Not stuck in my own problems. things are still kind of odd because I'm pretty isolated because of covid. But good overall.

+ Life habits: Good but I didn't exercise right away when I got up. I saw the impact of this. Somehting about exercising right away is valuable. Also it's cold so I don't feel like getting out of bed. Need to really just get up and warm up a bit.

+ Mental and emotional states: Definitely better. Feeling stronger more optimistic. Really want to keep this up. I want to get some good momentum back up.

Overall: Solid day. Studied 8 hours. Good pace, went in depth. Really got to learn things the right way for this computer course. It feels like I'm on a cool journey again so I'm happy about that. It's going to take a lot of work but I feel like I can do it. Just a day at a time for the long haul. Keep it sustainable and keep God first. Let God work through me adn I can just turn to God for strength and direction. it feels really good to have something that is becoming more interesting and that I'm becoming more excited about.

[Jai]

Nov 14

+ Spiritual practice: Did a nice meditation today. Still need to work in chanting. Thinking about working in japa also. So gonna have to commit more.

/ Attitude of service: Okay actions, but I got stuck in inner turmoil some.

- Life habits: Fail here. Watched porn. So this is 2 times in like 16 months which sounds good but just watched it a month ago. This has me bummed out some. I don't want to go back to bad habits after so much discipline and hard work. I know this will hold me back and prevent me from really living a high performance optimal life. So I just got to minimize the damage and get back to what works. I know my ohter good habits won't hold up if I compromise here.

- Mental and emotional states: Off day. A little dull from studying so much. Not really sharp or energized. Felt weak before the desire to watch porn. Just felt off. So tomorrow I got to do my best to get back to what works.

Overall: Off day. Not up to my high standard. Let myself down with a return to a bad habit. So I want to get back all that momentum I had. I think it will take a little while to get back the strength I had. But things can also turn around quickly in some senses. Tomorrow I just want to have a nice productive day and to get ready for the week.

[Jai]

Nov 15:

+ Spiritual practice: Just did a nice 30 minute meditation. Doing 30 min is pretty easy. I should definitely try to schedule a longer meditation once a week. So decent effort here today.

+ Attitude of service: did a couple little things. At my friends house did my dishes and put a chair away. Not big things but little things also count.

+ Life habits: Better than yesterday. Need to put things back together and put good momentum into this. So today was a good start. Had pretty good habits today. Did take a day off studying when I could've gotten a lot done. But the reason is I was feeling off from yesterday and needing to prep for the week.

/ Mental and emotional states: Not where I'm used to being. Watching porn throws me off a bit. I feel a little dull. Definitely less motivated. I want to keep my motivation up. Keep a strong confidence and excitement about the future. So I got to get rid of bad habits that can pull me down. So this week I want to keep a really focused and clean mentality and just keep improving.

Overall: Decent day. Getting back heading in the right direction after a set back. I definitely have some work to do and I want to improve and keep building on all the great work I've put in. No time for bad habits to pull me down. So I need to be prepared to be mentally presented with unproductive thoughts of lust and porn. Definitely not the direction I want to head in. Want to get back to the freedom i had when I didn't watch porn for 15 months. All i have to do is get some good momentum and commit to it. Eventually I'll find a good relationshipt that I'm looking for. I just don't want to settle in this area of life.

[Jai]

Nov 16

+ Spiritual practice: Good but didn't have a longer meditation session. After work went to my meeting. So tomorrow after work definitely going to do a nice meditation.

/ Attitude of service: Okay actions, but not excited to serve. Felt bothered at work from time to time. Need to relax and not let the stress get to me and just try to serve. Same thing at the meeting, was helfpul, but not completely present. So here is an area I can improve on, need to build some good momenutm so I feel better about this.

/ Mental and emotional states: Okay, on the way back up after a set back and letting myself down a bit with a bad habit. So decent here, but definitely not where I want to be. I want to get that vitality and optimism back. It's not that far off. I just need to follow through with good habits.

+ Life habits: Good here, only exception was a little mindless internet use. Definitely need to watch this though. Overall doing a good job to build momentum again.

Overall: A good day in action and effort. Really put good effort in. Productive also. Thing is I want to keep improving and bounce back from a recent set back. It's funny but i can definitely feel and perceive an impact from bad habits. Living clean with a lot of discipline has a huge benefit. So I want to keep that benefit going. I'm going to have to deal with a couple down days here and there to get back the momentum I had. I also have to be prepared to be tempted by porn now and again. I can get to a point of freedom but I'll be tempted from time to time to get there. So just being prepared for that. The point is that my goals are important enough to me that I want to leave all bad habits behind and really just keep on growing.

[Jai]

Nov 17

+ Spiritual practice: Really nice evening meditation session. Normal morning session is about 10 minutes of prayer and reflection. Just made some japa beads, want to bring japa in and finish my chant. It's a tall order but I want to prioritize this.

+ Attitude of service: Better today. Still need to watch out for bad reactions at work. I need to be oriented toward service. Not oriented toward feeling like helping ohters is a burden. So when I get emails with stuff my reaction should be sweet. Things will get done. People will notice I'm helpful.

+ Mental and emotional states: Better today. muhc more energized, focused, optimistic. Stayed in a solid mental space. I also want to be on the watch for lust. I really want to stay focused on bringing my mind under focus and not getting distracted. That's a really easy way to get distracted. So for 30 days I really want to not be distracted by girls and just go deeper into my good habits and spiritual practice.

+ Life habits: Good. Woke up at 4:00 and my sleep is pretty good. Took a nice cold shower in the morning. That will never be natural I think. Got to talk myself into it but it's worth the benefit. Work habits were good and just trying to live high performance.

Overall: A solid day. Definitely on the right track. Hopefully i can repeat tomorrow. Got to set the tone early when I wake up with good exercise and the cold shower. Computer session went well today also. That felt good and was a benefit. Big thing too is just building up the momentum with no porn. I know I can have the freedom of 15 months away from it. Big thing is just not falling back in. So i can anticipate some difficulty and temptation but I am setting a high standar for myself and really need high performance.

[Jai]

Nov 18

+ Spiritual practice: Really good. Did a nice chanting session, a nice japa session, two shorter meditations. Some prayer. Really good effort.

+ Attitude of service: Good here. Tried to be helpful at work. Not stuck in inner turmoil.

+ Mental and emotional states: Back in the positive and optimistic zone. Felt pretty good about life today and never fell into fear, doubt, worry, regret, self pity.

+ Life habits: Also good. Exercise, cold shower, got outside for a walk. Really nice study session. Good discipline.

Overall: Really solid day. Definitely made progress and moved forward. Keep the intention of daily putting forth my best effort. Just keep doing that day in and day out. Just prep for winter, gets dark early, can't really do all i like outside so I need to keep good habits to keep my mood up. I can get excited about studying and just moving forward.

[Jai]

Nov 19

+ Spiritual Practice: Good. Just got in a nice evening session.

/ Attitude of service: Okay but not great. Not as enthusiastic. Maybe a little low energy today, especially in the afternoon. At work I'm doing okay, but I have to remind myself that I want to serve and be excited. Just focus on that.

+ Mental and emotional states: Really optimistic, got a flat tire on my bike and it didn't even phase me. Generally back to where I want to be positivity wise.

+ Life habits: Also good here. It's pretty normal to have good habits. i want to keep these up because they help me in all areas of life be more high performance.

Overall: A good day but the week caught up with me. Need some good sleep since tomorrow is Friday. Still want to get up early and study computer languages. Really proud of my effort here. Need to make this effort normal. Sexual energy is building up since i'm retaining more. I want to keep a good focus here and really have good discipline.

[Jai]

Nov 20

+ Spiritual practice: spent 40 minutes in meditation and chanting today. going to start timing like this. I really want to look at my total time in meditation, chanting, reflection.

+ Attitude of service. I was really helfpul in a meeting today at work. And it felt good. I was able to explain things, help people out. That made me like my job some. So day in and day out i'm trying to do this. Need to drop any type of attitude at work. I'm just there to serve. I've been a little tightly wound because it's getting dark early, i'm not biking after work, I'm studying 2 hours before work, etc. I need to relax, take the pressure off and just be helfpul.

+ Mental and emotional states: pretty positive and optimistic. Was a little dull from working a bunch this week but still in a good space here.

+ Life habits good.

Overall: Good but thrown off some by sexual energy and thoughts about watching porn. I went a long time with freedom from that and now it's reintroduced itself. I don't want to fall back into a bad habit that takes away some of my drive and energy. So I'm a little thrown off by this distraction. But still a strong day and strong week overall. Got to keep my focus on my goal and on keeping making progress like I have been. I've come a long ways and I jsut want to keep it up.

[Jai]

Nov 21

So after 15 months no porn I've watched porn for the third time in the last month and a half. Definitely not a good development. I'm justifying it by saying I'll watch it once and awhile and that it's not a big deal. I feel if I go back to watching porn I'll lose the edge and sharpness I have. I've built a really nice life of discipline since I've started this journal. I live really clean in so many ways. Porn doesn't really fit anywhere in the life I'm building. Yet I've gone back and I realize it's a bad habit. It does affect my energy, vitality, self esteem, etc. I just slipped back in pretty much because I'm feeling lonely and miss having a girl in my life.

The hard part is the mental temptation now that the door to this has been opened again. Over the majority of those 15 months I rarely thought about porn at all and it didn't have a pull. When I stopped watching porn I was also having sex so that made it easier. The hard part is that now I realize it's going to take awhile to build up that mental space again. I've given up a lot by going back.

The good news is I've only watched it three times, so I got to cut the habit now before it becomes a consitent habit again. I don't want a subsitute for the real thing. And if I have to wait for a relationship then I have to wait. the big thing is just finding something to do if I get tempted and feel like watching it.

Because low performance here and indulging in this will cost me in other areas of life. I want to hold myself to a high standard and not compromise. Today I compromised and I'm feeling down about that. I like it when I live up to a high standard.

+ Spiritual practice: Not great but did have a nice meditation and round of japa.

+ Attitude of service: Was willing to go help a friend today even though he said he was good. I saw the opportunity and I wanted to take it. So that's good.

- Mental and emotional state: Got away from me today. I was indecisive about what to do. I wasn't inspired. I got distracted and bored. I got into a low mental state and followed it to watching porn. I'm not sure why I accept the rationalizations and don't just go do something else. So I know situations like this are going to come up. And I also know that it's going to take me awhile to build the mental state of strength I had when I was 15 months no porn not too long ago. I just have to keep building good habits and good states and not accept poor performance here.

- Life habits: Fail for watching porn. Everything else is in place. Still have good habits everywhere, this is the problem area where I slipped.

Overall: Fell short in that area of life. Nothing left to do but to do better tomorrow. Sex ideal is important because discipline there carries over into other areas of life. Since the sex instinct is so strong if I am strong there the benefit is so valuable. So I have to try better tomorrow. I really have to make this stick. I can't allow for low performance and bad habits. I've got so much good progress over the last 6-8 months in my spiritual life and personal life. I really bring great effort to work daily. I'm also starting studying a lot and am taking courses in my free time. I don't have time to be unplugged by a bad habit like porn. The emotional and energy fallout is too much. I just have to resist the temptation and go do something else. Even if i feel down, just go do something else.

[Jai]

Nov 22

Good day today. I had a nice study session and then also went and watched football with a friend. It felt good to unwind like that a bit. So bounced back from falling short yesterday. I also felt really emotional and connected with God. I know If I really go deeper God will help me overcome shortcomings and really build a nice life. I put a lot of work in and I'm not going anywhere. I really want to grow. I feel more and more motivated and inspired by my work, my studies in my free time and my life habits and hobbies. I don't want to fall into bad habits that will hold me back. I've come to far to go back to a lesser version of myself. So this week I really want to put my best foot forward. I'm off of work and I want to max out my study time to commit even more to my goal.

+ Spiritual practice: my chanting has taken on new life. I finally feel like I'm making progress toward the end of this chant I've been learning. I've started using japa beads for mantra chanting and I just use them to also practice new lines of the chant. Once i'm done learning the chant I'll probably just do the mantra chanting, but this is a good way to learn this. So all told in chanting and meditation dedicated over 45 minutes.

+ Attitude of service: Good outward energy, not stuck in self. Not really a bunch of opportunity for service but I had a mentality for it.

+ Mental and emotional states: Much better than yesterday. Pretty good overall. Point is just being strong at the point of weakness. So it's really just prepping for the moment of weakness.

+ Life habits: Good. Got in a cold shower in the evening because in the morning I wanted to start with warm water. So my walking in to a cold shower streak is alive still. Other habits good as well.

Overall: Good day and want to progress tomorrow.

[Jai]

Nov 23

+ Spiritual practice: Another good day with chanting, want to keep this up. I really want to learn this chant. Good meditation session also.

+ Attitude of service: Okay outward energy. Looked to be helpful at meeting.

/ Mental and emotional states: Okay. Never fell into negativity, but I wasn't on offense all day either. Still have some drag from watching porn. That makes me feel a little dull. So I want to build this up to where I was before. Really want to feel energized.

/ Life habits: Pretty good but overslept. That put me behind for the day. Gotta get up early tomorrow. WHM is good but my breatholds are down. Not sure why.

Overall: A good day. Got 7 hours of studying in. Want to do a little more tomorrow. Feeling a little dull from watching porn. It's definitely not worth it. That's the big priority over the next few months, getting back to a place of strength where I'm not tempted by porn. I had some real freedom and I have to earn it back. It' s really just preparing for when I feel a little down or bored and that presents itself as an option. It's totally not worth it. So really want to turn this around and get back to where i was.