Spiritual Review and Progress

[Jai]

Feb 9

Another good day. Nice streak going. I did a good job of being honest at work and admitting I made a mistake. Never easy but it is good to do this and works out better anyway. It wasn't the end of the world with this mistake but it always is tough to admit mistakes because I'd prefer not to make them and not look bad. Regardless, glad I'm taking work seriously and being honest about it. Also had a really nice meditation and prayer session after work. Did chanting, breath meditation and did a deep reflective prayer session on the meaning of the beatitudes. It was really strong to put in some extra time after work for that. My life habits are good and I've noticed that I've started out this year with some strong days. My overall ratings for days is consitently up. Part of this is that I've been on a good retention schedule. Thus far I've only released twice since the year started. So my sexual energy is high and is being channelled toward spirit and good habits. I'd like to start dating a bit and will get online soon but I like having discipline in that area of my life.

+ Spiritual practice: really strong after work session. Really felt God's presence and connection. The whole thing is to maintain a God awareness through the day.

+ Attitude of service: Helpful at work, trying to contribute. Good outward energy and not stuck in self.

+ Mental and emotional states: Want to keep this going. I haven't had too many difficult days here this year. Been consistently feeling strong internally and not thrown off. Just consistently in a good spot. I'd even like to amp up the connection a little bit and be more excited about life and more energized spiritually.

/ Life habits: mostly good. But I devaited from strict diet. Snacked on too much bread during lunch and ate a sugary granola bar. Not what I want to be doing.

Moved forward today.

[Jai]

Feb 10

Solid day all around. Felt pretty connected during work which is good. After feeling frustrated a week or so ago I've entered in to a nice space. I'm not overly stressed. I'm doing a good job day in and day out of making progress. I'm inviting God into my life which is the foundation, from there I'm living pretty clean and trying to contribute. I'm just on a nice streak of solid days. I really want to keep this up. I'm motivating about building a nice life for myself and a nice future. Things are good already but it feels good to have something to work for also. So I want to continue to settle in at work and stay connected. I'm putting some effort in also to taking some photos and am gonna start online dating soon. So happy about that. It will take some effort and some time but I want progress there also.

+ Spiritual practice: Good job today. Chanting is nice now that I know the entire chant basically. There is one small ending part I'll finish learning but I have 99% done it feels like so I'm just doing this and enjoying it and really letting it sink in mentally. Another really strong prayer session with the beatitudes also. Meditation also good.

+ Attitude of service: Good outward energy. Getting a lot done at work. Trying to be helpful. So this is a good orientation.

+ Mental and emotional states: Good. I'm really been able to acheive a solid place for the past month and a bit longer. I've been consistently feeling connected, motivated, optimistic. Not like a huge rush, but just solidly above average which is good. When summer comes and life gets back to normal I think I'll really be in a good spot. Winter has been tough and I've adapted.

+ Life habits: Also good. Lots of discipline that comes from God. Cold showers make everything else seem easy. Even sleeping on the floor now. There's something oddly pleasurable about renunciation and living really clean.

Moved forward today.

[Jai]

Feb 11

Okay day, kind of felt a little lower vibe and was a bit frustrated over a project at work. Still a pretty strong day in many regards, just not up to the high standard I've had. With that I also released last night so lower sexual energy. Also a factor but not everything. Just had a bit of an off day. Online dating has also got me a little distracted. I want to put in effort there but it does distract me and lessen my focus. But that just has to be tolerated. Problem is I'm really busy and I don't have a lot of time. So distractions hurt my vibe some.

- spiritual practice: I put 20 minutes in but not the quality I've come to expect.

+ attitude of service: actually pretty good here. I'm trying to do well at work.

/ Mental and emotional states: Okay for most of the day. Bottomed out a little bit in the evening. Glad I'm off tomorrow to study and get some stuff done.

+ Life habits: For the most part pretty good.

Not the best ending to the day but still moved forward.

[Jai]

Feb 12

Not the best day today. Didn't have a lot of discipline and fell short in different areas. Didn't exercise, didn't eat clean, watched some porn for the first time in a month and a half, didn't study. So a lot of my personal habits were off. I didn't feel very connected either. Taking a day "off" is never a good idea. I always have strong days when I'm motivated and have discipline, sometimes when I have a free day I end up not feeling as connected just because I lay off the gas. Anyway, I'll get back to what works, but I need a constant reminder not to take off days. Just keep the train rolling. I was on a really nice streak so got to get back.

- Spiritual practice: Not good at all. Didn't meditate. Had really short prayer session, not meaningful and significant. Tomorrow I'm bouncing back though.

+ Attitude of service: Really good... I helped clean my sisters house by doing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen. So that was good.

- Mental and emotional states: Not where I want to be. Wasn't connected, didn't feel the confidence or connection. Didn't feel focused or motivated. Felt somewhat insecure about work and some things also.

- Life habits: Fail here. Especially with watching porn. That's not progress for me. Feel better when I live clean without that. This year I think I only fapped once before the last 2-3 days. So last couple of days was frustrated and watched porn. Need to get back to maintaing that sexual energy.

[Jai]

Feb 13

Good day in some regards but also tough in others. Went to the temple and chanted and meditated with the monks. Also met with a friend and did some prayer and meditation together and talked spirituality. Hung out for like 6 hours. So that was nice. Feeling a little low vitality and disconnected. The culprit is basically watching some porn after a month and a half away. That seems to be the pattern, not watch any and then go back for a few days, then stop watching it again. It does end up making me feel disconnected and operating at a lower level. So will have to move forward from that. Good news is I have some decent photos ready and will put some effort in to online dating. I think that will feel good to commit to that, although that is also a test because it's not easy and it takes some time to get dates and meet girls. So it's frustrating but at least it's an option.

Other than that probably not going to hit my goal this week for study hours. I"m really busy which is good but wish I had more time also. Hard part is if I want to do some social things or go skiing or find something else to do it really cuts in to my study hours. So that will be a challenge when I start dating also. I need to keep the commitment to studying and making progress. So still going to get a bunch of hours in tomoorw, but probably not going to hit 10 hours considering there are other things I should do also.

+ Spritual practice; Had really good effort here. Really nice practice today.

+ Attitude of service: Helped a friend, helped around my sister's house when I was visiting.

- Mental and emotional states: Not where I should be. Felt distracted and disconnected. Not energized with God's presence. That's what happens after I watch some porn. Just lose the edge.

/ Life habits: Mix, some good, some not so good.

[Jai]

Feb 14

Mixed day. Low mental energy and focus because I watched porn last night. Really felt down for most of the day. Just a let down from that. Still I put in some good spiritual effort to get back on the right track. I did a really nice breathwork session followed by a nice prayer/reflection. Later did chanting and japa and meditation though I was a bit distracted. Didn't study that much because I wasn't feeling it. So didn't hit my weekly goal. So bummed about that. I did get on online dating some finally. I've been frustrated with this area of my life and that's part of the reason why I've been watching porn a few times a month. So gonna put in some effort here which is good. I need to just stay consistent, put in effort and not get too mentally distracted from this. So in some senses I made some progress today.

+ Spiritual practice: Good effort here, nice sessions all around.

- Attitude of service: Not good outward energy, stuck in self and my own worries and problems. Not projecting out in to the world.

- Mental and emotional states: Distracted, feeling low confidence, not radiating energy and mental clarity. Not optimisitic and positive. So this week I'll get back to where I need to be. Need to keep an eye out on distraction of online dating. Can't let this disturb my progress in other areas, so put this in a box... after work I can get in to it.

/ Life habits: This was generally good but no exercise.

Moved forward today.

[Jai]

Feb 15

Much improvement. Got out of the weekend slump today. Got up early, cold shower, exercise, study sesssion, good spiritual session and kept God at the forefront all day. Had some adversity with a project but wasn't too thrown off. Need to be on the watch for that. That has gotten me frustrated recently. But I got some good momentum to start the week and want to keep that up. I also have made some progress with online dating and am trying to line up a couple dates for the weekend. I got a couple numbers but who knows if anything will happen. Regardless I want to keep my focus on the day and good habits and building good momentum.

+ Spiritual practice: Good here. Nice morning and lunch session. Lunch is now split between a walk and doing some chanting, japa and meditation. So really put in good effort here.

+ Attitude of service: Better outward energy, have to watch frustration at work, that is a barrier. Generally looking to be helpful.

+ Mental and emotional states: Definite improvement. mOre positive, more connected. Not where I was a bit ago, but still good. I just want to keep this a priority and not sacrifice it to watch a little porn and be distracted. That really unplugs me.

+ Life habits: This was also good. Good discipline today, discipline coming from God not from me. If I stay close to God a lot of the stuff comes easy.

Moved forward today.

[Jai]

Feb 16

Good day all around in action. Good job at work, decent outward energy. So progress there. Good spiritual practice today also. Problem was with just getting distracted by online dating which happens. So that's the area I need to keep watch on. Just not get distracted and just put in some effort. I've committed to putting in at least a little effort for awhile. Hopefully I can stick with it and not get distracted. So I have to stay plugged in to God as always. Also not get thrown off and keep my focus on my goals and building a nice life while at the same time staying grateful and enjoying life now.

+ Spiritual practice: Good here. Consistent effort and good quality.

+ Attitude of service: Also pretty good. Trying hard to contribute at work, not stuck in inner turmoil today. Good outward energy.

/ Mental and emotional states: For the most part pretty good. Like i said online dating throws me off. It feels like a big distraction. Not as excited about this as I was in the past. So I have to continue with this and not get thrown off. Need to put in some effort and commit and stay positive.

+ life habits: Good here today. Living clean. Water extra cold in the shower. Quite the rush.

Moved forward today.

[Jai]

Feb 17

Today was a little bit of a struggle. Not a bad day by any means, but I wasn't really energized or optimistic. was a little in fear and worry. The big concern is the future and how I'm not making progress fast enough - this type of thinking gets me out of gratitude and out of service. It disconnects me and I end up just worrying about my own things instead of having outward energy. So still just feeling a little off. Had a nice streak to start the year of just dialed in days and then watched a little porn and I became disconnected. Something like that leaves a repurcussion. It's not like things are horrible I just lose some edge. So want to move forward there and put in some effort in online dating. I do have a date Saturday which is something to look forward to to at least get out. Kinda took today off of the apps also since it's a big distraction it seems like. Regardless I want to get back some momentum and get back in positivity and gratitude.

+ Spiritual practice: 2 good sessions, morning session and lunch session is the norm. Put in 40 minutes am consistently doing longer sessions.

/ Attitude of service: my actions were good, it's just my mind was stuck in self some

/ Mental and emotional states: Not bad but not up to the high standard I would like

+ Life habits: Pretty good here. Good discipline and actions, in the normal weekday routine of clean living.

[Jai]

Feb 18

Bounced back nicely today. I really had much improved optimism, vitality, connection. Had a nice day at work, did a bunch of service, had outward energy. Felt relief from the fear/worry I had yesterday. I also was more grateful today. So all in all some strong habits are accumulating over the past handful of days. Really got the benefit of that after dipping a bit. So want to finish the week strong tomorrow.

+ Spiritual practice: another nice dual session day. Do this in the morning and then right when I take lunch. This has been working nice and I'm consitently getting in 40 + minutes daily.

+ Attitude of service: Today was good. Really good outward energy. Volunteered to do something at work. Trying to get projects for people done. Just consistently trying to contribute. Today also felt good also.

+ Mental and emotional states: Big turnaround from yesterday. Yesterday wasn't bad, I was just dull and disconnected. Today was really good, I had some good optimism and positivity and generally felt good about things.

+ Life habits: Also good here.

Moved forward today

[Jai]

Feb 19

Really solid day overall. I had a more mellow vibe during the day since it's Friday. Still good energy, but not as amped up as other work days. Had good orientation at work and pretty good service. Only down thing was getting distracted by online dating some after work. That can unplug me some. It does take away some focus but I feel like I should put in some effort there. I also feel like I probably should just really get more serious about my studying and building my future. I want to have a really strong study day tomorrow. I don't want to slow down with that, want to keep really good progress.

+ Spritual practice: good here. Two really nice sessions. This really is the foundation. Still building a nice relationship with God.

+ Attitude of service: Got some good stuff done today at work. Trying to contribute and things are working out nicely.

+ Mental and emotional states: Good here also for the most part except for the distraction after work.

/ Good but also hit snooze so not so happy about that.

moved forward today.

[Jai]

Feb 20

Good day today. I had an epic breathwork and meditation session.70 minutes and felt really connected and fantastic. In a perfect world I'd be able to do that everyday. Problem is I'm busy. I'm still proud of doing 40 minutes total on weekdays. That seems to be the norm. But on a weekend when I really have a lot of time then I really have a great connection and it's deeper. Just having it be opened ended like that. Also went on a date tonight which was fun. Was great I ended up going back to her place and hooking up a bit. Did some nice kink role play. Tried to really make her feel good and excited. Was pretty innocent also since we just played around and didn't have sex or anything. Felt good though.

+ Spiritual practice: Really good session.

+ Attitude of service: Good outward energy.

+ Mental and emotional states: In a nice spot, also was just pretty positive and felt better about my computer course. Made good progress today.

/ Life habits: pretty good but gonna end up watching a little porn.

Moved forward today.

[Jai]

Feb 21

Tough day. Fell short on my sex ideal and watched porn. That really disconnects me. I just feel let down. Definitely need better discipline here. This is the one thing I've been falling back to a couple times a month. Started of the year a month and a half away and I fell back into it and it drags my well being down. Discipline in general with sex energy is valuable. I definitely feel benefits from semen retention. Good energy, good focus, higher mood. Problem is that I also feel lonely sometimes and frustrated. I wouldn't say my ideal is to be totally celibate. But I do see advantages to that. I go on streaks where I'm unphased but then I get distracted by high sexual energy or feeling lonely. Then I watch porn for a weekend. It just gets disconnects me and I feel ungrateful, not confident about the future, fall in to fear. So I want to stay away from all of that. So tomorrow I'll be back to what's good, but it takes a couple days to get some momentum. I really need to stick to a path of discipline here it's so much better for me. And just trust that I'll end up meeting someone who I'm really in to.

/ Spiritual practice: Set aside some good time for a morning session but didn't chant today.

/ Attitude of service: for the most part stuck in self and my problems. Just an off day. I did offer to help someone at the grocery store, that was the brightspot today. I recognized a chance to be helpful.

- Mental and emotional states: Definitely not where I want to be. Really in a spot of disconnection. Not confident about the future, couldn't focus, not optimistic, on the negative side of things. Also just didn't feel dialed in. So want to get back to what works here.

- Life habits: Not great today. Watched porn, diverged from clean diet.

[Jai]

Feb 22

Much better day. Built a decent amount of momentum even though I slept in a bit and didn't do my normal morning practice. Made up for it with a good lunch time practice. Also had a good orientation of service at work. Felt like I started to move in the right direction after a less than optimal weekend. I really need to keep living with good habits day in and day out. I'm asking a lot of myself and I plan on doing even a little more. Also just got to stay positive in general about the direction of my life. Also not get distracted by online dating. Just put in effort and see what happens.

+ Spiritual practice: missed my morning session but made up for it at lunch.

+ Attitude of service: Had good outward energy today. Had a good orientation at work. Felt good about how I was helping on projects.

+ Mental and emotional states: Took a step in the right direction and happy about that. I have to prioritize this and not cut off progress by watching porn after a month. That habit has to go, I dip too much after.

/ Life habits: Good but woke up a little late.

Overall: Moved forward today.

[Jai]

Feb 23

Not the strongest day but good actions for the most part. Slept in a little again and didn't do bodyweight exercises. Also my internet use is poor. That and the phone. I'm on the computer all day at work. Would be good to not be checking my phone and internet. It just leads to distraction. Also just felt a little lonely today. So my energy was a bit down and didn't really have the focus I'd like to have. Good news is I still did a bunch right. Had a good day at work, had a decent spiritual practice, went for a bike ride, had a good study session. So point is to just build the momentum to where it was before. It just takes a little time.

+ Spiritual practice: pretty good here. good chanting and mediation session.

/ Attitude of service: Good at work but mentally and emotionally stuck in self. Didn't have good outward energy.

- Mental and emotional states: Not where I want them to be. I want to be energized and optimistic, wasn't that today.

/ Life habits: A mix. Some good, some got lazy on.

Overall: still moved forward today.

[Jai]

Feb 24

Tougher day today also. Not horrible but also a little difficult in some ways. I'm feeling a little nostalgic and that makes me feel a little melancholy also. Sometimes I get this way thinking about the past. Not necesarily bad, just sometimes a little sad. Maybe because I've done some really nice things. Today was also tough because I've really gotten weak on some habits. Not waking up on the alarm, not doing bodyweight exercises, just loss of motivation there. Also still tempted by watching porn which is something that unplugs me. So I have to build my momentum back up and find some motivation. Another issue is just being distracted by my phone. Really good idea to stay away from my phone after work and during the day also. Also can get down a little about online dating. Looks like I got another date on Sunday, but not really all that excited by online dating. It can feel like a drag on my life. But it also is a bit of a necessity to try to meet someone.

/ Spiritual practice: okay, but missed chanting. So okay effort but not great

/ attitude of service: good effort at work, that is going well. But stuck in self and my own worries and doubts, etc. So I want a better outward orientation.

/ Mental and emotional states: Not where I want this to be. Not horrible but also not strong and optiomistic.

/ Life habits: Missed some of the best habits. Want to get back on track.

Overall: still moved forward some.

[Jai]

Feb 25

Better day today. Had a nice study session. Good effort and contribution at work. Still weak on certain habits. Slept in some and my exercise wasn't good. Really also want to change phone habits and not be checking that. But overall improvement from yesterday especially in my outlook and connection. Will get back to where I need to be. Big thing is to build momentum and keep discipline with sexual energy. Lining up a couple dates this weekend so hopefully that helps out.

+ Spiritual practice: Good effort here, did 3 different sessions. Real nice to build connection.

+ Attitude of service: Good at work, also better mental orientation outward instead of being stuck in self and my own problems. Key is to keep focus outward on what i can contribute and just participating in life.

+ Mental and emotional states: Big improvement from yesterday. Still further to go to get good momentum and a really strong connection but it's still improvement. So outlook here is looking good.

/ Life habits: Been stubborn this past week and just low energy. Looking to turn that around tomorrow.

Moved forward today.

[Jai]

Feb 26

Tougher day. Been back and forth recently. Really started out 2021 great and now have dipped some. Watched porn last weekend and that threw me off. Today didn't have the strong mental focus while studying and i got a bit discouraged. Recently I've been a little discouraged with my studying. So I didn't get as much done as I would've liked. Also felt like watching porn again which isn't good. Been dating a little and that can feel like a distraction. I do get a little up and down and it affects me some. It's just how it is. Get kind excited for a date or to message a girl. Or a little let down if something doesn't materialize. When I'm frustrated or lonely porn just seems like an easy option. I pretty much stay away from porn the majority of the time but then watch a little a couple times a month. It really ends up disconnecting me. I was 15 months no porn and fell back in to it. So now I just watch it intermittently. I'd much rather have a girlfriend. And i have some dates lined up. But I'm only so optimistic about these. It's pretty hard to find a good match. Anyway, so that feels like a distraction.

+ Spiritual practice: good morning session, shorter afternoon session

/ Attitude of service: Not great. Stuck in my own worries and things. Didn't have great outward energy. Didn't feel like I had an orientation to contribute.

- Mental and emotional states: Studying has gotten me a little discouraged. It's been difficult and progress has slowed. I also was thrown off by wanting to watch porn. So didn't feel very connected today.

/ Life habits: I worked out some so that was good. But also compromised on diet. Not great discipline here.

Kinda moved forward. Some small victories.

[Jai]

Feb 27

Mixed day. some good things, but also some distracted states where I didn't have the focus I wanted. Still managed to get in some study hours which was good. Had some nice conversations with friends also. Distracted some by online dating, but also just accepting that it takes some effort. Have a couple dates lined up over the next couple of days. Had a pretty good chanting and mediation session. But also skipped exercise today and I didn't eat clean. Not feeling the sense of purpose and motivation that I've had in the past. Just a couple weeks ago I was dialed in. So goal is to get back to that. I don't think it is too far off. I want to get past the recent doubt with my studying code. It's difficult and will take some time. I can accept that. Just don't want to be discouraged. Want to stay excited about the future and the vision I have. Just show what is possible with God in my life.

+ Spiritual practice: Good session here. So happy with this effort.

/ Attitude of service: kind of stuck in self some. Just preocupied and worried about my own fears, worries, etc. Not really exhuberant outward energy.

/ Mental and emotional states: finished the day strong. Feel in a better place now. But for a bunch of the day a little distracted and worried.

- Life habits: Not so good, eating habits weren't good, didn't exercise. I did take a cold shower though.

Not the best day but still moved forward.

[Jai]

Feb 28

Made improvement today. Had a pretty nice day. Woke up at 4:00am and got a good start. Studied a bunch today which was nice also. That is something that is improtant to me and I want to keep making progress there. Was also just generally more positive and optmisitc and had good outward energy. So overall I just want to keep this momentum and have a strong week this week. Day in and day out need to trust God and invite God in. Just move forward in that direction the best I can. So this week want to stay on top of service and keep my habits really clean.

+ Spiritual practice: Good here today. Had two nice sessions. Have to keep these strong. If these are strong the rest of my day goes better. This is the priority. God has to come first.

+ Attitude of service: had good outward energy. That was improved. Not stuck in my own worries. Started to project good energy toward the world.

+ Mental and emotional states: also better here. In a good spot. Felt good about the day, about the direction I'm heading in. Felt good about life and had more gratitude. I definitely want to stay in gratitude instead of thinking about what is missing.

+ Life habits: improvement here. Not perfect but improvement over the past week.

With my studying I'm also asking what if i really gave 100%. Right now I'm putting in good effort and doing a lot. But I know I can do more. If I really commit and go all out I know there will be solid benefit.

Moved forward today.

Edited March 2, 2021 by Jai