Spiritual Review and Progress

[Jai]

Journal session:

Today I really want to have a solid day. I would like to get more motivated about my goals and my computer course. And also put together a better vision for my future. I'm working on a journaling project apart from this for that. It will be good to be really motivated. Today I also want to keep moving in the right direction. I watched porn two days ago for the first time in over a year. I don't want to get back into that habit. Okay whatever I watched it. I want to stay away just becasue I think it makes me dull. I want better sexual energy and not be distracted by that. It's also bad for my self esteem and reduces my sexual energy. I think it's low performance. I've been so high performance lately that I'm disappointed by this. I think it's a core habit for me to be no porn. Discipline there gives me discipline in other areas of life. So today and the next few days are critical as I minimize this error and get back to what works.

Truthfully life is going really well. My spiritual practice is strong, my progress at work is strong, I have some nice friends and hobbies in my life. This is one thing that could really derail my trajectory. I don't want to mess with my growth just because I'm feeling lonely. I don't want to let this bad habit back into my life. So just going to minimize the error. And also just going to focus on everything that is going right with me and keep building on that.

[Jai]

Oct 18

+ Spiritual practice: had a good morning session. Felt improved connection today. Didn't really redirect my thoughts to God consistently though which I've been doing a pretty good job of. Overall a decent day with spiritual practice.

/ Attitude of service: okay, but not great. Had decent outward energy, especially in the afternoon, but a little stuck in self in the morning. Not a lot of clear opportunities for service.

+ Life habits: pretty good. Exercised, cold shower, ate right, was relatively productive. Cold shower and self care really turned my day around in the afternoon. Doing little things like that is so important. Also stayed away from porn and fapping. Obviously staying away from porn is a priority. everything is going so well with my habits. Watched porn the other night for the first time in over a year, I recognize the mistake and want to move in the right direction. I don't want to justify this bad habit and go back to it. It could undermine a lot of my good progress. I know it will make me lazy and dull. Definitely wouldn't have the drive to take cold showers.

/ Mental and emotional states: Decent. A little slow in the morning but I really had a strong afternoon and evening. Ready for the week to do my best. Also just need to focus on improving myself and getting rid of bad habits. When that feels like a priority then I feel pretty good because each day I'm making progress. I look in the mirror and just say keep doing what I'm doing. I know I'm on the right path. I just have to keep fighting disturbances that want to break in. Lately it's been the dating thing, it's been a distraction that has thrown off good habits, and made me feel distracted. So basically i just need to focus on everything else that is right. Sooner or later I'll meet a girl. I just need to keep on my strong path.

Overall: A good day. Ready for Monday to do my best and keep at it.

[Jai]

Oct 19

+ Spiritual Practice: Really good this morning. Great start to the day. This is definitely the foundation. My consistency really helps.

+ Attitude of service: Good at work and good outside of work. Definitely a plus today. Was helpful at work and then when I met up with friends I went out of my way to get them chairs and be helpful.

+ Life habits: Good today. This is resonating well. Want to keep this up. Good discipline and habits.

+ Mental and emotional states: back where I want to be. Positive, optimistic, connected with God, in a good state overall.

Overall: Solid day to start the week. Keep this up!

[Jai]

Oct 20

+ Spiritual practice: Good here. Nice morning session. Also tried to reconnect during the day. I think I want to prioritize a quick lunch or after work practice.

/ Attitude of service: good in action, but internally felt frustrated. I felt a little bothered by different requests instead of being excited to help. So I had some internal frustration. I want to improve this. Even though my responses were good, I want my internal reactions to be better.

+ Life habits: Good today. Cold shower, eating clean, exercise, worked hard. Overall solid.

+ Mental and emotional states: Pretty positive and under control except for a few internal reactions of being frustrated. Never fell into a bad place and pretty good outward energy.

Overall: Another solid day. Putting in good effort and just trying my best. Feeling like I'm adapting to work and the situation. This is all because of God. I'm really relying heavily on God and putting my spiritual life first. This investment has kept me out of high levels fear, worry, doubt, etc. and has allowed me to have a good performance. So I just got to keep this up.

[Jai]

Journal Session

Noticed in my morning meditation and also last night that I was pretty frustrated yesterday. I had a stronger emotional charge than normal in my meditation. For whatever reason some small frustrating things from work yesterday stuck around. Even though after work I took a nice bike ride and wasn't really bothered by it. So today I want to double down on my attitude of service. Look to be helpful and contribute at work. I also want to let things go at work. Just practice good acceptance and feel if I put forth good effort than that's all I need to worry about. Nothing else to worry about. Each day I make progress and make the most of it. Work is good for me, it helps me be productive, gives me a sense of accomplishment so I just can make the best of it and keep trying to move forward. Obviously work will put me to the test, things won't always work perfectly and there may be difficulty with coworkers. But I can just keep a good attitude of service and just keep a consistent effort. This way I can find resolution and progress. So today I want to recognize some of this frustration from yesterday and do my best to not fall into that frustration again today.

[Jai]

Oct 21

+ Spiritual practice: Good morning session. Also hung out with a friend after work and did a short meditation. Spirit really is a central part of my life , or actually the central part. Definitely want to keep it that way. I have some nice momentum and even on down days I'm consistent.

+ Attitude of service: Good today. Good outward energy. Looked to be helpful. Good effort at work. Less frustration and resentment. So keep this up obviously.

+ Life habits: Strong as always, talking myself into the cold shower daily. Been hitting snooze a little which I want to stay away from.

+ Mental and emotional states: Strong. Had a good recognition of God conciousness durning lunch. Really felt God's presence. Want to keep on the look out for this. Was always on the positive and optimistic side and felt pretty connected.

Overall: Solid work day. Definitely moved forward. Progress is made like this, a solid day where i meet the circumstances that come up. All I really need to do is just stick with what works and not abandon that. I don't want to go back to a life of spiritual weakness and lack of a spiritual practice. It's a lot of work but I feel so much better now and much more purpose. So just got to stick with it.

[Jai]

Oct 22

+ Spiritual practice: Good. Solid morning session and good God connection during the day. That's what I'm always aiming for.

+ Attitude of service: Good today. Felt like I had good outward energy and I tried to be helpful. Not stuck in inner turmoil.

+ Life habits: Also good. Something about taking a cold shower. That willingness makes the rest kind of easy.

+ Mental and emotional states: Over all good. Positive, confident, connected. Good all around. Only thing is minor resentment against a coworker over disagreements or just things not working properly and having to fix things. I need to improve this. My reaction internally has to be better. I don't want to fall into resentment. This could hold my progress back.

Overall: Strong day all around. Tomorrow is Friday so I want to keep it up for a good week. Just really put forth good effort tomorrow.

[Jai]

Oct 23

+ Spiritual practice: Good morning meditation. Didn't listen to all of the spirtual podcast I like today but I'll be back at it tomorrow. Good spiritual effort even though I was a little out of my routine.

+ Attitude of service: Good today. I'm bothered when I cant be really helpful. Definitely tried to be helfpul at work today.

/ Overall Good, had a vegan ice cream today though so usually don't eat sugar

/ Mental and emotional states: Overall pretty good. But fell into a little bit of compare and despair. Wasn't as grateful as I should be. some tough things at work and just fell into a little doubt. So want to keep an eye out for this though. Got to stay positive and keep on building strong mental states.

Overall: A pretty decent day. Not perfrect but decent. A little out of normal routine, faced a little adversity on a friday. So want to have a strong weekend.

[Jai]

Oct 24

+ Spiritual practice: Went to the thai temple and did a nice meditation. Felt really connected and at peace. Really satisfying meditation. Also went to an estatic dance event and really felt God's presence. Just internally recommited to all the changes I'm making. I can't go back to the person I was before. I have to keep spirituality the top priority no matter what. It really has to be the main force in my life. Can't turn away from a daily spiritual practice.

+ Attitude of service: okay today. I was helpful at my sisters, brought soda waters to the dance event. Good outward energy. Not overly stuck in inner turmoil.

/ Life habits: Generally good, but didn't eat clean. I get kinda thrown off of my normal routine when I'm at my sisters.

+ Mental and emotional states: Pretty good overall. Didn't fall into negativity really. Just doing pretty well.

Overall: A pretty decent day. Just want to keep this train moving. Tomorrow I want to have a solid day, be productive, clean my apartment, set aside some more time for God, reconnect and just trust.

[Jai]

Oct 25

+ Spiritual Practice: Took more time for a solid meditation this morning. Also going to do a second shorter evening session now. This is really the center and I want to keep it this way, can't back off having a solid spiritual practice.

+ Attitude of service: Good. Good example of being helpful to others in the grocery store. Small things count. I was getting some of the little produce bags that are used for apples and I saw a guy waiting. So I gave him a couple. He was really surprised and said nobody does things like that. It's good for me to have an outward orientation and look for little opportunities like this. I actually wish they were more frequent.

+ Life habits: Good. Felt like I lived good today. Good discipline all around. Also have good sexuality and staying away from porn. That is a key habit, can't go back to porn, if I do I end up getting depressed and feeling low. Things are going too good right now and I have really good progress. I don't want to sacrifice this.

+Mental and emotional states: Good overall, on the positive side of things.

Overall: Good, but still go back to doubt over money and security. My mind still wants me to feel behind or that I've made mistakes. I definitely want deeper trust and faith here. I've been growing a lot and I should recognize that and give myself some credit. Day at a time I'm living it. This is always a test when I worry about money and when I think that I made a mistake by leaving my last job. Just have to redouble my efforts to get closer to God and just keep working hard and feeling satisfied by my effort.

[Jai]

Oct 26

+ Spiritual practice: Nice morning session. I did forget to do an immediate prayer right out of bed, just becasue it's cold because I turn the heat off when I'm sleeping.

+ Attitude of service: Good here. Good energy at work. Went to a meeting and was helpful, reached out to someone newish. Not stuck in inner turmoil but just doing my thing in the world and looking to contribute.

+ Life habits: That water in the morning is getting colder! But I still can take the cold showers. I want to get excited about winter more and facing the cold. Other habits also solid. Time to get motivated even more. Going to sign up for a computer course this week I think. Time to learn even more.

+ Mental and emotional states: Good also. On the positive side, didn't fall into fear or worry. Need to drop the "i'm behind" thoughts whenever they come up. It's subtle but I worry about my path, about the future, about money, etc. I need to live in gratitude, trust that all I have to do is follow God and spirit. So when those thoughts come up I just need to reaffirm faith. Really it's an issue on a down day.

Overall: Solid start to the week. Time to just keep it up. Each day put forth good effort. And also soon I'm going to get more serious about this computer course. It's time I step it up a little bit. I'll have to invest like $200 a month which is a lot, but I'm working and saving and it will force me to get even more serious. I think it's up to me to do it and make the most of it.

[Jai]

Oct 27

+ Spiritual practice: Good morning session. A little drowsy or distracted a bit, but generally okay. Good discipline with this is the foundation.

/ Attitude of service: Not happy with my reactions at work. I feel emotionally a little reactive when I'm asked to do stuff at work. That's the negative initial reaction. I don't think it's affecting how I act, but I want to have a better initial response. One of service and willingness, not being negative. So want to be on the look out for this and change this.

/ Life habits: Good here with pretty much everything but I was distracted by a news story with a photo of a hot chick. Little distractions like this is bad when it affects me. I don't want to watch porn and sometimes littel distractions like this is where it can start. I want to get back to a place of strenght and confidence where things like that don't even register and my attention doesn't even get distracted.

+ Mental and emotional states: Good. Pretty positive all day, never really fell into fear. So just a pretty good job of staying connected and strong.

Overall: Good day. Felt like my performance was pretty good overall. A couple minor things to look out for but an okay day. Settling in at work and on the brink of starting a new goal. I think I'm really going to have to step it up and do more. I'm going to have to find time and stay motivated. It's not going to be easy but I'm riding all these good habits so It's time I take on a new goal and give myself more direction.

[Jai]

Oct 28

Interesting day. Started off slow with low energy. Slept in a bit but still up by 5am. Low energy becasue I didn't retain the night before and I didn't have the pep early on. I did have good effort at work and just tried my best. By the end of the day I felt good with how I responded. Then hung out with a friend and really felt good about things.

+ Spiritual practice: Good effort for morning practice even though i didn't have the best meditation. The effort was there though. Felt pretty connected in the afternoon and I definitely feel God working in my life. Just need to keep up with following God's connection.

+ Attitude of service: did good at work. Good effort, improved attitude today. I also opened the door for an old lady at the restaurant. No hesitation, just saw an opportunity for service. I like being like this and not being stuck in my own problems and not being ready to help.

/ Life habits: Good, but I know I can do more. Biggest problem was waking up late, not having high energy for my normal workout and just feeling weaker early on. I set a high standard so it's not like my habits were horrible but i knwo what I'm capable of. Plus I'm starting a new computer course soon, one that is really ambitious, so I'm going to have to step it up even more. I'll have to live clean and really be on top of things.

+ Mental & emotional states: Good here. Never fell into negativity. Kept a pretty good focus and God connection.

Overall: Finished the day really strong. Really good how i turned things around. I never stay off track for long. My strong spiritual practice is what really keeps me going. This provides a lot of good structure that keeps me on top of things so I can always get back to where I'm connected and progressing.

[Jai]

Oct 29

+ Spiritual practice: Really solid meditation session in the morning. Also did a second 15 meditation with a friend. Chanted today. Good spiritual connection throughout the day. Really felt God's presence on a walk after work. That was nice to really notice that connection.

+ Attitude of service: Good outward energy. Good efficiency at work with not being stuck in self. I try to assist and help others the best I can. So feel good about that. Need to keep this up. I'm not out to prove a point or to have success. I'm just out to be helpful to others.

+ Life habits: Good. Got some studying in. Starting a new computer course and feeling motivated about that. Eventually it will just become difficult and it will take a lot of effrot. So I have to fall back on my good habits. This has to be a priority for me. And my good habits will make it possible. I have to wrestle a couple hours out of an already busy day. So I can get up at 4:00am and study before work, and I can take an hour on lunch and just study then. So it's up to me to do this, my good habits will keep it together.

+ Mental and emotional states: Really strong today. Nice and confident. Free from fear, doubt, worry, self pity, regret. Just in the day, pretty grateful and connected. Just how I want to be.

Solid day overall. Ride this into Friday,

[Jai]

Oct 30

+ Spiritual practice: Good here. Set aside time in the morning. Had a nice meditation.

+ Attitude of service: Good at work. This is the cornerstone of success at work. Just try and be helpful. Say yes. Just try to do my best. Work is going well and I want to keep this up.

/ Life habits: Good but haven't had as good of a retention streak lately. Feel distracted by sexuality. Been thinking about porn more even though I've watched it like once in the last 15 months. Just not too interested in dating and cold approaching. It seems like a diversion of effort. But I know if I put myself out there it works. It's just I don't feel like doing that. So from time to time I guess I get frustrated here.

/ Mental and emotional states: Good, but not as optimistic and positive today. Not bad, just maybe a little worn from the week.

Overall: Decent day overall. Still moved forward and still grew. So happy about that. Also feeling more excited about this computer course. I think if I commit to taht and really give 100% that it will have a really nice benefit down the road. So that's what I want to get motivated about and just keep doing my best.

[Jai]

Morning Journal Session

Got up early today to do my computer course. Did a short little prayer session. Will meditate later. One thing I'm praying for is a clearer vision of the person I want to become. Previously I had this years ago when I was really motivated to learn Spanish. I had a vision of who I wanted to become. Now this is starting to appear again. I want more than just a goal, I want the goal but I also want a clear idea of who I can become. It's like a deeper level of motivation or something. Anyway I'm starting to see that, a new future version of myself that I can work toward. A big part of it is professional life and just meeting life's circumstances and grwoing professionally. Not avoiding difficult things like this, having a nice financial future where I can provide for myself and my future. Having an ability to handle stress and difficult situations, doing all of this by relying on God, keeping God as the center and having an attitude of service. Showing whatever I do as a manifestation of my faith. Having good confidence and strength, having a positive personality and being the type of person other people want to be around. Being really magnetic, I've had that in the past and it was because of my strong spirituality and good habits. So that's what i want to get back. And I kinda already have it.

Other than that it's been a couple weeks since I watched porn. Was 15 months no porn and then watched porn one night. That has kinda shaken the freedom and mental strenght I had in this area. I definitely feel tempted and know it's out there again. It has shaken me a little bit and I'm questioning if I want to stay away or not. Part of it is just being single and a little lonely. Part of it is just having slipped up and it's weakened the strength I had before. What I do know is that if I watch porn I lose confidence and self esteem and I'm lower energy. So it's not a mix with the person I want to become. I really want to have a strong, energetic, magnetic personality and it's weird but porn fades that. It's not that my life is a disaster or something if I watch porn, it's just that I'm settling for something less. So it is kind of a bad habit. This little experiment of watching it once has shown that it makes my mental states a little shaky and less vivid and focused. It's kind of like a distraction. The big thing here is rationalization. I want to rationalize watching it. Part of it is just because I'm single and I'm just exhausted with pick up and putting myself out there. It works, if I talk to enough girls I can get a girlfriend, it's just that that now feels forced. It's not fun and exciting like it used to be. And since it comes off as forced I'm not really genuine. Maybe it's because of covid too where social interactions just feel weird. Regardless this is used to rationalize and just say I can watch porn until I just meet a girl, or rationalize and say i'll just watch porn once a week or once a month and minimize the negative feelings I experience but have a little stimulation also. The truth is that my own professional goals are more important to me than meeting girls. So it's a little bit of a distraction. I'd like a girlfriend, but also know in 1.5 to two years I'm going to take my experience and try to improve my situation. Anyway, it's just also harder to meet girls in general the older you get. I'm relatively new to this city, got a small social circle, and also there just less girls in a small city, so even if I wanted to do pick up there just isn't as many girls out there. So the point is that this is a source of frustration.

Overall things are going well though. This computer course is going to challenge me. And that's part of the incentive for no porn. I need to put my best foot forward everyday. I'm going to be working full time at a job on a computer. I'm taking a computer course where I want to put in 15+ hours a week, would be nice to hit 20 hours. It's going to take a lot of sacrifice to make this work. It's really just investing in my future. To make this work I plan on getting up at 4am so I can get in 2 hours before work. Then dedicating basically a full day on weekends to this. Plus i'm on my computer for other stuff. Things like this. Looking stuff up. The off day I'm not going to get on my computer I hope. Point is porn isn't going to aid this process, it's a detriment to the personality traits I want to build to meet the circumstances. Porn isn't high performance. That's a good way to look at it. So I'm really choosing between porn and the high performance I need to be successful and build the life I want. So that's an easy choice to make so just need to follow through.

The goal I got for myself in 1.5 to 2 years is to double my income and work remote. It feels more and more possible. I already work remote because of covid and I got an entry level tech job. So I'm learning my job. In this computer course I'm learning programming, it's a deep course that takes 1.5 to 2 years to finish and there is a big focus on really learning fundamentals and mastering the content. So I do think this goal is possible. The vision i have of myself is one where I feel confident and capable, I can meet difficult situations and stress, I'm excited about working hard and building my savings. The vision for the internal stuff is just that I knwo I'm a person who can make it in this world under difficult circumstances, I feel connected and rely on God, I feel like life is going somewhere and I have faith. I really want to transform myself in the next 1.5 to 2 years so it's time to get tow work and keep up the momentum i have.

[Jai]

Oct 31

+ Spiritual practice: Good today. Had two nice meditation sessions. Do have to keep up with chanting more. I'm almost there to the end, I got to factor this in to daily practice. Going to be changing my morning practice soon though.

/ Attitude of service: Was immediately helpful at the store with helping someone get something off a shelf becasue I'm taller. But not the best day overall. Was stuck in self and inner turmoil. Just thinking too much about my own problems. Was pulled back in and didn't have outward energy. So want to improve this tommorow.

+ Life habits: Actually pretty good. I got up early. Ate clean, walked in to a cold shower although I finished with hot water, exercised, etc. So i didn't feel really connected today but my habits were pretty good.

- Mental and emotional states: Not the best. I've gotten used to feelign pretty connected and energized and today I wasn't. I was in a little of a funk. Did some decent things to turn it around. So not the worst day. The big thing is just sexual frustration. I've been thinking about porn more and I don't want to go back to that. I think I probably need to go on a retention streak again to get my energy back to where it needs to be. Just been feeling low vitality and low resonance lately. This is a factor. I've been thinking more about my goals and I'm really going to need to be on top of my habits. Really going to push myself to the limit. So I need to have a really clean inner life that has confidence and strenght.

Overall: Was in a funk today. Definitely not my best day but I get another shot tomorrow so I want to try my best tomorrow and just build the momentum again. I'm not too far off from the better states I've been living in. Just a bad habit has tripped me up a bit internally and now there is a little less strenght. So I want to get that back and really focus on what I'm building and who I want to become.

[Jai]

Nov 1

+ Spiritual practice: Good but I'm switching up the format. Shorter reflection/prayer in the morning. Longer session at lunch or later. This is so I can study first thing in the morning and have a long study session before work. If it jeopardizes my progress with spiritual stuff then I'll move it back. But I actually think I'll be okay as long as I keep up the investment in God quality. I really like an epic morning session, but I have to get these study sessions in and the best time is before work. So lunch / after work will really be the best time to do longer meditation sessions.

+ Attitude of service: Good outward energy today. Big turn around from yesterday. Not stuck in inner turmoil, my problems and self. Not a lot of opportunities to really help others, but I did have a good conversation with a friend where I was as open and helpful to him as possible. But what was good was my general orientation toward the world.

+ Life habits: Good. Up at 4:00am on a day off. Treating one weekend day like a work day where I study my computer course. That's the day I work for myself and my future. Cold shower and WHM breathing was good. Nice long bike ride also.

+ Mental and emotional states: Also really strong. Right where I want to be. Confident, with faith, positive, optimistic, excited about life, connected with God. It takes work to be here. Lately I've really been keeping up on this despite some off days like yesterday. It's not a constant thing, always takes work but it's worth it.

Overall: Really solid day. Just keep putting days like this back to back. Excited about computer course becasue it's going to challenge me. I really have to be on my best behavior, keep up habits and spiritual practice. Just commit and do my best.

[Jai]

Nov 2

+ Spiritual practice: Good. Switched it up today and meditated during lunch. A little tougher meditation today but good effort. Since I'm switching it up I have to keep with it. Just got to keep this a priority.

/ Attitude of service: Good actions today, good effort to be helpful. But I fell into a weird state late afternoon and just was in inner turmoil. So a little worry, disturbance, etc. This lowered my outward energy. Also was helpful setting up a meeting so my actions were really good.

+ Life habits: Good all around today. Up at 4:00, exercise, cold shwoer, eat clean, etc.

/ Mental and emotional states: Not where I want to be. Good start to the day but I fell into a little resentment. Felt a little overwhelmed with work. Felt a little frustrated. So days like this are going to happen. I'm going to feel off from time to time. Point is to keep sticking with what works.  I can't let an off day affect me. They come and go so I knwo i'll be back to being more positive. Taht's just how it is, can't get discouraged by a bad day.

Overall: Good day for my actions and habits. But my mental and emotional states were a little more difficult. That's okay. I'm adapting to work and not working extra hours. I'm cutting back to 40 a week. So it feels like I got more work to do since i'm not putting in the extra hours. So really today I felt a little more stress. I also didn't have the same morning spiritual practice to fortify me. I want the lunch practice of meditation to still have the same benefit. I'm challenging myself more with this computer course. This is going ot be tough. The best thing to do is just get that out of the way first thing. So I have to adapt to the new schedule. Keep turning to God for strenght, keep the connection open, just move around when I'm doing different things

[Jai]

Nov 3

+ Spiritual practice: Good meditation session today at lunch. Really made me feel peaceful and strong. Went for a nice walk after as well. Still had a significant and meaningful spiritual practice. Probably going to move the mediation to after work. I got to get outside more during lunch. It gets dark so early and I'm basically always home since I'm working from home. So lunch is probably going to be get outside, spiritual session after work. Morning quick prayer, exercise, shower then 2 hours study session before work.

+ Attitude of service: Good outward energy. Good job trying to be helpful.

+ Life habits: Good. Got to keep it this way. It's a big deal to stay consistent with my studying. It's going to take everything I got to really do this. So I got to stay motivated and consistent and rely on God for the strenght.

+ Mental and emotional states: Overall good. Was positive, focused, energized. Dealing with a little more stress at work since I've cut back to 40 hours instead of working extra. So jsut got to get used to less hours at work. Got to work as efficiently as possible and stay calm.

Overall: Good day. Good study session and good day at work. Keep it up for tomorrow.