The Bag Boy Who Met God: Accepting Responsibility to Live by my Own Greatness

[trenton]

June 30, 2020

I started off my day by listing 10 things in the today I will.  I think this is more effective for making sure that I am always working on something.  The word improvement is starting to bother me because it depends on what I call an improvement.  Protesting for BLM could be an improvement or a distraction.  I feel like it burns me a little when I focus on improving myself because I am like a hamster in a wheel who is never satisfied and can fully love myself.  If there is anything else that puts me off about the notion of self improvement it might be that I never needed to change or be different.

First I tried to knock out the chores.  I swept the basement, but now was not a good time for mowing the grass.  I also need to strong trim, but there was a high chance of rain.  Overall I would say I accomplished as much as I could.

Secondly, I wanted to become more conscious of what I eat.  I did well for most of the day with small amounts of sugar.  Toward the end of the day I finally are came and I noticed my headache come back.  This made it harder for me to finish my chess exercises.

Thirdly, I listened to one hour of "How to get rich.". So far the book is interesting.  Today I was unable to log in and look at the book list.  I am now worried that I broke the rules of actualized.org by talking about what I learned from the books and now I might be banned because people don't have to pay to figure the information.  I sent a message to technical support.  This has never happened before, and if it is the problem and it is possible to get unbanned, then I won't be talking about any self actualization books on this forum ever again.

Fourthly, I have yet to do some meditation.  Only for a few minutes, but I could do more after I'm done typing.

Fifth, I watched one video from a grandmaster.  After this I finished 46 exercises of chess homework for my coach.  These exercises had no option of computer analysis.  This made me study the positions extra carefully to make sure my move was right like in a tournament.  Usually I could check in a few seconds, but now I was the only one to verify the answer.

Sixth, my leg started to hurt so I tried to minimize walking.  My leg is feeling better now.  My sister noticed me limping earlier, and I hope this does not carry over into work tomorrow.

Senventh, I read more out of my enlightenment book.  I learned about how the mind serves our survival, but not truth.  This leads us to confusing concept for reality.  I began contemplating "How do I limit my consciousness.". If my consciousness were less limited, how would it affect my life?

 Eighth, I did 106 pushups because I can't limit my exercise to too much walking.  I think this might be healthier  and can translate into better focus for chess.  Diet and exercise are important keystone habits in addition to reading and meditation.

Ninth, I did research on psychedelics and inner mastery.  This organization has had reviews because they are overly secular and often less than professional when administering DMT.  This organization has a poor reputation, and I have been emailing them to see how I could organize a retreat.  Going to South America is more expensive, but a real shaman would be better than this.  They were criticized for being cash grabbers and good reviews are hard to come by.

Tenth, I wanted to let go of envy as a source of motivation.  This is me insulting myself and not being content with my limitations.  I am closed to the possibility that my limitations may not always be able to be pushed.  I constantly want to be better because I don't love myself.  By acknowledging this motive, my mind has become more peaceful.

I think this I will list is extremely effective.  I did not get everything, but I was pretty good and did not waste much time on silly videos which are losing my interest.  I can see that I am taking personal development more seriously and I am soon to get measurable results especially if I keep focused on my diet.  The benefits are too great to be ignored.

I would say you did an acceptable job today.  Keep up the good work and move beyond your present lifestyle.  This is a form of love.  I want something special and won't settle for my current situation.  This is from love, not envy.

[trenton]

July 1, 2020

Today I was overwhelmed and unable to accomplish as much because I spent time at work.  I will need to lower some of my expectations for those days because there is not enough time possible to set hours at a time aside for everything else I want to do.  This is a problem if it causes me to get stuck.

While at work my manager asked me to come in on Friday.  I negotiated to come in at 1 pm to 5 or 6.  One thing that stops me from looking at more jobs is that I have no clarity on where I would like to work unless we are talking about college degrees or strategies for getting rich.  If I have nothing better to do then I may as well learn how to be a millionaire and do everything necessary to reach that goal rather than settle for my current life.

My coach did not answer the questions I sent it him yesterday.  Currently I am looking at the problems I have in the Catalan opening with black.  I remember how playing sharp openings like the semi-slav and Sicilian have paid off and give me good results.  The queens gambit declined does not help as much of the Catalan is played.  I had decent results with the Nimzo indian.  The slav allows the exchange variation making it hard to win with black.  A while back I tried playing the grunfeld but it backfired and I performed badly.  I think I am stronger now and I might be able to develop better winning chances in these lines compared to the Catalan.

I kept my work out and improved my diet until the end of the day when I ate ice cream.  I need to make a smaller list for these days or it will be too much.  I added a protein mix to my water.  It tastes weird but I think I am better off adding it. 

Most of the day focused on meditation and self inquiry.  I still did my exercise and reading like I wanted to do, but no audio books.  I contemplated the question how do I know what is true.  The truest thing I thought I knew was that existence exists.  I concluded it existed because I can see it and feel it.  I compared this to an illusion and noticed that I would be vulnerable to labeling an illusion true if I based it on experience.  Therefore, I changed my conclusion to experience creates an appearance, but it does not create knowing.  This is why existence appears to exist.

At the end of the day I was too tired to do more chess videos.  This was an informative day, for setting daily goals.  I still believe in myself and I think I am capable of reaching the eventual goal of becoming rich when I finish that book. 

One idea that popped into my head that sounds cool is a world view survey on politicians.  I am not worried about what there conclusions are, but it would be cool to map out their thinking system and watch how they respond to information.  This could bridge the gap between the left and right if we mapped out a thinking system of a Democrat for example, starting from fundamental assumptions about reality like God is real and following all the way through to Republicans are insane and stupid.  By mapping out a concrete thinking method, other parties could use the method as a lens to judge the same information and better understand the other side.  I wonder what affect it would have on the country if they were taught spiral dynamics while using other thinking methods for concluding what is true and what is good.

You are capable of living a life profoundly different from where you currently stand.  You would like to let go of many attachments, but it will be more effective if you did one at a time instead of multiple a day.  You even contemplated the way in which you let go of things.  Letting go may be a form of love.

[trenton]

July 2, 2020

I did not accomplish much today because I had work and a lot of running around.  A few interesting things happened though.  While I was at work I talked to Kathie who told me that she felt the management treated her poorly.  At first I told her what I thought from my typical perspective on harassment.  I told her that I hurt myself more when I focus on the mean things people said too much. 

She seemed frustrated and tried to explain herself more.  she said that everyone always tried to tell her don't let it get to her.  She explained how the management does this to her and a few other employees as if they are being targeted and encouraged to quit.  It makes her feel like she does not want to work for them.  The key point was that this is happening to her repeatedly.  I told her that usually we should see it as no big deal, but if this is happening repeatedly then it is more of a problem.

Kathie said she tried talking to Joe before but nothing changed.  It seemed that her complaint was not taken seriously.  She is afraid that telling the managers might make it worse and they might harass her more.  I felt that Kathie would not want me to tell the managers, but I did tell them to make sure that they were aware of this serious issue.  I thought it might change their behavior of they knew about this important information.  The manager told me that Kathie should be the one telling her.  She said it is not good to tell me and leave me in the middle of the situation.  It seems that the complaint was not taken seriously and it wasn't going to be.  I may have worsened the management's opinion of Kathie which could translate into harassment.  I wonder what you think and what you would do in these situations.

Outside of work I continued letting go.  I try to do one thing s day to let go of.  Today I let go of needing it wanting something to be true.  This makes me feel threatened by other possibilities when really i don't know what is true. 

After further self reflection I have gotten a closer idea as to why I drawn to the abortion debate.  I see that it is a false debate because we must imagine if it is murder of not and then maintain our position by pretending we did not make it up to make it seem objective.  This reveals the deeper truth that we lie to ourselves constantly in order to maintain our worldview.  Insanity is when we attempt to monopolize truth through lying.  All arbitrary positions must collapse.

This leads to an even deeper truth.  What I call the truth is something that is just out of reach of my lies, thoughts, and beliefs.  No matter what description my mind makes, I made it up.  Even in trying to describe the truth now my words can only give you an approximation.  When I tell you that it is an approximation or a lie with which I describe truth of becomes true that it is false thus making it a correct representation.  The truth is not something that the mind can construct and I want to see what is beyond the mind.  The mind does not handle truth, rather it puts on a show that it is the truth because it can't be maintained if I were conscious of the falsehood, thus I can't lie effectively to myself and others. 

I think a useful pointer towards what I am describing comes from a Buddhist teaching.  Any argument about the self must arise from the self.  Any argument of what a self is is not the self.  It is enough to infer one's existence.  This suggests that I am the truth imagining that abortion is or is not murder.  Truth is not reached by the mind if the mind arises from truth.  In a sense silence is a more truthful position than something you imagine and then claim is true.

This is what I ultimately seek in spirituality.  I think spirituality would be worth my while.  This curiosity is the love which drives me forward.

[trenton]

July 3, 2020

Today I worked very hard and I am exhausted.  I will need to go to bed soon, but I can give a short summary.  It was very hot today and I struggled to get enough water today.  I am limping and swaying while getting a little clumsy.  I worked and Kroger and needed to mow the lawn today.  The combination of this is exhausting.

At least I had a challenging chess lesson with my instructor.  We practiced decoy, that is luring an enemy piece to an unfavorable square.  We studied some grandmaster games and I found the calculation challenging.  He noticed that my system was disorganized when I calculated deeply.  If I can be organized in my thought process, that would make these long variations easier.  Otherwise I will gradually blue until I am almost unclear.

I am excited about my next exercises.  Soon we will learn more about strategy.  there are so many good topics that I have so many questions about.  This includes planning and good vs. Bad bishop, and others.  I will get everything I can put of that.

Rest for now.  Don't over press.

[trenton]

July 4, 2020

Bad news.  For the past few days I have been getting tired.  I have started to limp and stumble.  Today at work it for to the point that I was getting dizzy.  I did not feel thirsty, but it could have been a heat stroke.  My managers and family were getting concerned that I might be sick.  I eventually had to sit down at work after a customer reported how I felt.

I still feel hot and I am not really cooling down.  I can not sit up straight and I was tired to the point that I was yawning in the middle of the day even though I had okay sleep.  I actually have a few symptoms of COVID and I hope it is not that.  I might have to take a break from all the life purpose seeking to make sure I'm fine.  The best I can think to do is behave as normally as I can while making sure my mind does not contribute to the appearance of symptoms.

[trenton]

July 5, 2020

Very good news.  Although I had some symptoms, it was not COVID.  It was only dehydration and exhaustion.  This caused the tiredness, headaches, and feeling hot, but not a fever.  I fell behind on the blog for a minute because I have a lot of work again.  Now that I have a fan in my room, I can make sure I don't get over heated.  This can help me make sure I don't get a heat stroke like I was starting to have at work especially when taking in carts.

I forgot to mention yesterday that I had some nice victories and I am close to the peak rating again.  I feel like focusing on the fact that In am at my peak creates nervousness, so I will try not to do that.  I played a nice deflection sacrifice to gain a positional advantage.  I then expanded in the kingside, weakened black on the queen side, and stopped black from advancing in the center.  I played all over the entire board and prepared counterplay on every part of the board, playing for domination until it translated into a winning material advantage.

My deflection homework exercises are either easy or very hard.  I solved them in either 20 seconds or 10 minutes.  My mind is biased against queen sacrifices after I have already sacrificed a lot of material.  This makes it harder for me to notice important mating patterns because I assume the very few pieces I have left are not enough to checkmate the opponent's king.  Sometimes this assumption is wrong, and I have many of these assumptions to help me save time on the clock but it backfires.

As for my reading, I should get back to that pretty soon when I have more time off of work.  I think reading is extremely important and changes a lot of my behavior.  Who knows what kind of person you would became if you completed a life goal of reading 100 books?

I can get back to great work very soon.  Good luck and stay hydrated.

[trenton]

July 6, 2020

I did go to work again on this day.  It seems that I might be getting my hours back.  I think I have so many advantages with those days off because of time, but my money gets shorter.  I want to be careful not to fall back into my old habits of wasting time on social media and eating junk food which I often did after work.  The scorching weather makes me eat more ice cream, but it does not taste so great anyway.  My water does not cool fast enough, and I might need to test putting it in the freezer.  Otherwise, I might try compensating for my thirst with food or milk.

I accomplished a lot when I was in high performance more and I plan on staying there.  I want to take the money books as far as I can take them because they are the most promising.  Kroger does not pay me much and there are no other decent jobs around this area.  Kroger makes me feel stuck in wage slavery, but I'm still going and I have the opportunity to escape.  I might have to go back to college to do it, but I want to see what I get from my books.  Provided I don't exhaust myself from heat stroke, I have a decent chance of building a better life for myself independent of the rest of my family.  This is one milestone I can aim for.  I am limited in this way as well.

I made the payment to my chess coach, but he did not get back to me yet.  I really want to learn more about strategy and I will get everything I can possibly get out of that.  I lost a game to the Dzindzi Indian defence.  I seem to be better off avoiding it with a different move order.  This line is rare and it can be hard to coordinate your pieces of you are not used to the structure. 

I have studied the grunfeld defense a little.  I tried it before with bad results, but now that I am a little stronger and I have good results in sharp positions like the Sicilian defense, I think I can make it work.  These openings are risky and difficult to play, but with enough practice, I start to get a lot of wins with black.  If white does not exchange there are challenging variations like Bf4 and Qb3.  I think I would have better winning chances here than against the Catalan.  I like those positions for white.

After this my openings with white need to be rebooted.  I am not getting good enough results against Indian defenses and QGD.  My advantage is not as great as I would like.  There might be a lot of interesting positions in e4.

Now to get back to my books for now.

[trenton]

July 7, 2020

I had a day off of work. I fell back into my old habits for a bit, but managed to crawl back out of them and get back to work on self actualization.  Although SWE Entertainment was hilarious, it provides almost no real value and hedonic adaptation made me bored of YouTube.  I often tell myself these things are useless in some way because I want to convince myself to be far better than I am now.  I might ask the forum for suggestions on how to deal with this.

I walked for a bit, but I forgot my mask and had to go back home.  They are going to fine people 25 dollars for not wearing masks.  I did not achieve much walking around our there.  I can compare this to the money book where I learned that making money is more exciting than jogging.  I seem to be putting my energy toward the wrong thing if I want more money.

I played two chess games today.  I won them both.  I played the grunfeld with black and in spite of my lack of experience, I successfully navigated the tactical complications in order to win.  White sacrificed a pawn which at first was deadly to accept, but I took under better conditions later.  White tried to push through the center, but I traded my otherwise badly placed pieces and undermined the center with a well time e6.  White surprised me with a sudden bishop sacrifice, but I counter attacked his long while attacking the bishop and simultaneously defending my king, winning the game.  I had little experience, but I played well anyway.  This is worth looking at.

I'm the second game I defeated my third player rated over 2300.  He played an uncommon opening, and I had a huge space advantage.  Stockfish found an easier win with more aggressive play, but I took a slower approach and tried to squeeze my opponent with extra space.  My king was not safe to castle in either wing.  This made me a position where I thought it necessary to play Kd2.  A tense game continued until I traded queens into an ending with many pieces.  Black tried to break through the kingside, but I made counter play in the queenside using my extra space.  I broke open the b file and harassed the black king more, allowing me to win black's pieces before he could finish his break through.  I was up a rook and a knight so he resigned.

I did make time for my audio book.  I need to place a higher priority on my aptitudes if I want to be successful.  If I get too attached to my hobbies they can become a limitation, so I need to be aware of what I am doing and be willing to set my hobbies down for a long time of I want to start a business.

My chess coach is still not responding.  I have work tomorrow so I need rest.

What should I do with my fantasies?  I tend to judge them, but it does not help.  If I love and accept them, they may or may not go.  They are a part of you and this is self love.

[trenton]

July 8, 2020

I had work again and my sister noticed that I consistently appear exhausted.  She thinks that the fruit smoothies were very helpful, but I normally don't make them because of the quarantine where my family must work from home.  This would be helpful for getting me through the days where I am pouring sweat. 

When I got back home I started watching an abridged series on YouTube.  Unfortunately, they are not really that funny.  When I was younger used to find these jokes hilarious.  Things like "laser dick" don't do it for me anymore.

I did not waste all of my time, but I did waste a chunk.  I accomplished a little bit with self reflection, but it feels like it did a lot.  I think by writing down how I feel I maximize self honesty.  I may not have time to type out everything for you, but I can type out some key points.

I wrote about how I feel like my point of view is the full truth when I say it or believe it.  I noticed in politics it is easier to go meta and weigh the pros and cons of other perspectives.  I don't always realize this when I am involved, but my perspective is also very partial.  It feels like the truth though.  "Feels true" does not make a lot of sense.  What does the truth feel like?

I found some contrary wisdom with a little bit of truth in each perspective.  First, I don't know the frame of reference which other people are coming from given their entire life.  If I want to help mankind as much as possible, then I need to realize that my worldview often can't compute with someone who has drastically different experiences.  In this sense, I may have to learn more about each individual before I project my own worldview into their entire life.  This sounds more like being a light walker.  I also feel like learning the frame of reference for other people's worldviews.

On the contrary, my worldview has been helpful to mankind when I am as honest as possible by explaining how I genuinely feel about myself.  This is not with the intention to project an autobiography.  My intention is that other people will see the similarities I have with them and use this information to self reflect on a way that it improves their lives.  This can be helpful so long as I am not assuming the frame of reference others are using.

I felt that a major source of self generated suffering was a lack of self acceptance.  I had some leftover neuroses left behind that I needed to give more attention.  They are created by my suppression of embarrassment.  Suppression causes way more problems than it solves because it pushes me towards lower consciousness which makes self love more difficult.  I feel like self reflection was useful and I feel better now.  I think I prefer writing to typing though.

I also began letting go of spirituality.  It becomes another identity when my mind assumes the ideology floating around spiritual teachings.  I think it is more effective to learn self honesty through writing.  Right now it feels threatening for me to question what is the observer which I am identifying with.  I would like to question these things without assuming the conclusions In was given.  Similarly, when talking to other people, it is not about giving them all the philosophical conclusions, but rather a way forward.  I can let go of truth and understand my frame of reference as it is more honest.

Self reflection is a high form of self love and it transforms me.

[trenton]

July 9, 2020

I have been getting more exhausted still.  I got an idea to use my vitamins more often.  I normally did not use them because I have a hard time getting more.  The vitamins a useless if I don't take a them.  My fan keeps my room way cooler now.

I am getting sick of all the garbage YouTube videos.  They used to just be a source of procrastination, but now they are not even amusing anymore.  It places a strain on me just to try to sit through them.  The only thing worth listening to on YouTube are audio books or something educational.  I have lost my taste for nonsense humor that isn't even funny now.

I reached my peak rating again for a moment, but I dropped it when I played badly in the next game.  I am not really as focused again and I am lost on how to enter my peak performance again.

In my self reflection I contemplated what is my true identity.  One of the problems I recognized was that whenever I place a limitation and say that I am the limitation, I am actually the thing which creates them.  When a particular mask gets stuck to my face it becomes a habitual lie that feels true to me.  Eventually I thought that I was nothing imagining that I am anything.  This made me burst at into a lot of laughter.  I tried to think seriously to make sure that I was not making a confirmation bias out of everything I was told already.  I could never really say that I was a thing because that always arises from the thing that said it.

That was a lot of fun.  Some people think I'm on crack or something if they see me acting as I normally do.  It usually explains a lot to say I have autism.  So far it has  not been a problem where people think nondual states of consciousness are insane.

I am still exhausted though.  I would like to get back to self actualization and not get lost in ordinary life.

[trenton]

July 10, 2020

Today some of my addictions that I picked up again are coming to a close.  It is painful for me to eat junk food, watch YouTube (low consciousness videos), and play the nonogram game I recently downloaded.  Solving puzzles makes me feel smart, but I quickly got good at it and I was to the point that I was merely charging through puzzle after puzzle.  All of the solutions and the game play becomes mindless once you know the techniques to solve them easily.  Mistakes only happen when I don't pay attention because of how mind numbing it becomes.  I uninstalled this app, and I am not going to download it and play through all of that again.

I made night smoothies and put them in the fridge for morning.  I am going to take these with vitamins everyday to get back on the right track.  My exhaustion and head aches are too much.  I can't run like I used to and work feels longer and longer.  By the way it is hard to find a better job I qualify for, would like, or pays more without more college education.  If I can't become financially independent without more college, then I need to go back at some point.  The question is what for?  Business?  Trans personal psychology?  Politics or law?  Maybe something else?  I might need to sample a few and see what they are lik.  What am I good at?

I received chess coaching today.  The second training module is far more difficult and I did not have the energy to finish the tournament or start the homework.  My energy levels are becoming problematic because they are making me do nothing or waste time on poor habits. I learned about endgame principles and studied capablanca.  I struggled to demonstrate the same endgame technique and my understanding seemed poor.  It was a little embarrassing like my first tactics lesson.  As for the games, I was winning the first, but dropped it, I won the second clearly, and lost the last.

Outside of listening to audio books I clarified what my direct experience is like.  "God" and "no God" are both interpretations of the direct experience.  In this way they are both philosophies.  This makes them a projection of my imagination when my direct experience is neither of these labels.  To me reality appears as neither God nor no God as we strip all beliefs away from reality.  I feel threatened and fearful when contemplating this stuff.  I have the capacity to let go of this fear.  This is your survival.

I can open myself to love in many forms.  Breaking old habits, self improvement, and enlightenment.  I think you are capable in all of these ways and more.

[trenton]

July 11, 2020

Today I still some up early and turning off the fan does not help.  I discovered that I am off work for three more days and I am soon to have a video chat with my friend who I have not spoken to because of the virus.  Because I still felt tired for so much of the day, I did not do much.

Eventually I had to work on the garden and trim back the neighbor's come that is taking over my yard.  I filled up three trash cans and took a break from the scorching heat.  When I came back out to mow the grass, I found a possum in the trash can in the middle of the day.  This cancelled the plan and I don't know why the possum went on there.

After wasting a bunch of time on Dragon ball z I did some chess puzzles and got half way done with homework.  The work is much harder than spotting a tactic.  I also notice that I am adding my judgement to my actions of doing things I find less productive.  I think it works better when I don't imply that I am somehow in the wrong for not doing self actualization work.

I also noticed that the smoothies in the fridge tastes disgusting and I am not making smoothies like that anymore.  They were partially melted on the bottom, so I guess I could try the freezer, but if they are frozen, I can't drink them.  I will have to make them in a timely manner in the mornings.

Finally, I started to let go of needing to control my mind.  So long as I am trying to make myself different it becomes a problem and often harder to achieve.  This can also make my mind a little more organized.  I plan to work on writing out all of my beliefs to clarify where I stand no matter the content or if it is right or not.

I hope you can get the maximum benefits from self reflection.

[trenton]

July 12, 2020

The vitamins are making a difference and I am not feeling as tired as I did over the past several days.  I had cereal in the morning feeling that the options for breakfast were limited.  This becomes another source of my low energy because sugary cereal simply cannot sustain me for any reasonable amount of time.  Eggs and oatmeal should become my more common breakfast and this should be taken with vitamins and possibly a fruit smoothie.  This would be much better than where I have been.

As for my lunch, I usually end up eating a bunch of junk food throughout the day.  This is a problem and I try having a sandwich instead.  I am currently working on making tuna a more common part of my lunch and it is way better.  Today I did not that much, but I can see why my energy keeps dropping and how I can successfully combat this.  I feel better already.

My sister's birthday is coming up, and I am not sure what I want to get her.  I might end up just giving her some money.  I don't want to get her more video games because I know she wastes a lot of money on that.  I don't think there is much I could give her that would improve her life in the long run.  She seems to be content with her current trajectory, but it does not look pretty in the long run.  I don't want to worry too much about her though.  Ah Ha!  She wants to be a vet.  I could get her a book about that topic to see what she would learn.  It might come late, but I don't care if it is late.

I was watching Dragon ball again.  I know it is not very much for personal development and it does not help me as much books.  I still found the hypothetical situations cool because of how much could possibly happen in this imaginary universe.  I am prone to judging myself for this because of personal development.  I would like to make a decision as to what I should do.  This was up a lot of time that I could be using to start a business or go back to college.  I should not use guilt to seek improvement because this is what I wanted to ride above to begin with.  I should only seek personal development for a higher vision.  If the vision is compelling enough, then I will naturally move away from my old habits.  This possibility leans me toward a higher form of personal development.

My exhaustion should stop being a problem soon.  I am getting more practice with chess endgames as well and have three more exercises before I type my thinking system for each puzzle.  This will be the best part because I will learn to organize my mind and find the best move systematically.  This will be much better than the tactical puzzles and I will integrate many principles in the most effective way possible to organize my mind.  This will be fun.

Construct your vision and your life will evolve naturally.  This is worth a try and I should get to work on building a vision to see what happens.

[trenton]

July 13, 2020

I noticed a huge difference in my energy today.  For breakfast I had a fruit smoothie mixed with protein powder.  I took vitamins with this and are eggs.  My energy was so great that I wanted to use toward something more than watching YouTube so I did the rest of my chess homework.  I could have done even more, but I was too curious about the show.  My attitude toward everything changes when I have this much energy and this is the level we must operate at for self actualization.

I was filled very well from the diet.  My stomach started hurting and my headaches for worse when I started eating sugar again.  Recognizing how much worse I felt, my body and mind are changing in my approach to dieting.  In fact I suddenly needed to poop badly because of how healthy I was eating.  It was less painful than an unhealthy body.

I did a light work out and studied some of actualized.org plus my audio book.  I noticed how much time I lost to my favorite show as of late.  This did not stop me from coming up with my own hypothetical scenarios which would have been way cooler than the cannon tournament of power.  I felt that my energy was not used well enough which is what I like the least about YouTube when I eat very healthy food.  Diet is such a crucial point in self actualization because it changes everything if you want to use your energy in the best way possible.

As I start to come out of my exhaustion and back into high performance, I can become much more optimistic about my life.  I might have disappointed some of the followers who got bored in the past few days, but at least I can use the suffering created to propel me further.

I am not as attached to actualized.org.  I have watched about half of the most recent video.  I don't want to follow the perspective of actualized to closely or else I would believe him too easily.  The video from a couple of weeks ago demonstrated how being too deeply philosophical can backfire.  I don't want to have an overly philosophical reference point although it is useful to be aware of so long as it serves the function of grounding me in the true self by serving as a reminder.  Of course not the worldview itself, but what the worldview is about.  This can ensure that I do not get too attached to one particular perspective even a deeply philosophical one, so that the excesses so not remain in place forever.

Spirituality is good for dissolving parts of the older self, but it cannot solve wage slavery except by evolving the self image.  I am considering going back to college to do an internship in politics just to know for sure if I can do it.  If I am not satisfied, then I will pursue financial independence through business as an alternative route.  On mistake I feel I made is that although chess makes me happy, it is limited in what it can do to change my life.  This underlying contemplation makes me concerned for the future of my chess coaching.  It is possible that I will need to move beyond this. 

My heart tells me that this is not a life purpose because I want the freedom that almost nobody has.  It is the same reason I declined Christianity which would lock me in one worldview forever until I die.  Of course I don't want to do the same thing with chess, but it is hard to let go of and switch to dramatically different tracks because of how much I invested and how much talent I might have.  My training has been dropping because of this contemplation.

As for my favorite video in Dragon ball z...

 

[trenton]

July 14-15 2020

I had a good conversation with my friend who I didn't get to talk much to throughout the quarantine.  We discussed the possibility of me going back to college to try out an internship in politics.  I could also try business to see if I can get started on being an entrepreneur.  He told me that there is no right way to make money and I could do it by selling shirts.  To me it seems that the book is my best bet.  I am typing at such a slow rate that it will take forever to get it done.  I would like to commit to writing even half a day of the book each day.  This way I make small progress, but enough progress to ensure I have a chance at making money.

I shared a little bit with him from the book.  He asked me how my brain works.  I told him that I was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder.  He was clued in on this based on how I was writing.  He said that I wrote down a lot of information.  I notice that I seem to write a lot and people can tell it's me writing when they read how I wrote.  Anyway, Aaron thinks it's amazing that I am still smart.  Some people don't believe me when I tell them because they assume dysfunctional autism instead of functional autism.

I am watching myself watch Dragon ball.  I think After I have seen enough, I might be tired of it.  I am starting to skip around to get to something else.  I listened to a little of my money book and types a little of my own.  When I have the energy, I don't want to sit down and do nothing.  I currently don't feel like this addiction is going away easily.  It might hold me back from more self actualization.  I will observe myself.  I sometimes feel tempted to resort to guilt to see if it works.  I know it is a lie because I create it, but I have the means to motivate myself.  I think the positive motivation is more powerful by far and guilt has failed consistently in the past.

I have work again and my manager told me in the past that they can't tell me no when I ask for a break.  They tell me no all the time.  This is as good as my job seems to get working on the front end at this store.  I checked goodwill, but they would pay me less than Kroger.  If I run out of options, I need an online job, a college education, my own business, or a new location.

My chess coach finally sent me more exercises.  I was getting a little bored with nothing to do.  So far the exercises are easy because I studied them before.  My results are stagnated against humans and my rating is staying the same around 2250 or so. I am trying to experiment more with other variations because I started getting bored.  For classical games I stick with my guns, but I am playing more casual rapid games.  I am also practicing more against computers.  At least half of my games should be against computers because they are strong and teach me to be objective.

You are smart and capable.  I want you to look inward and see your best way of utilizing everything you have.  Not just in chess.  You do what you can to bring your skills to the front when playing chess when you are in tournaments.  What skills can you bring into your life and commit to?  You would be better off if a clear decision were made.

[trenton]

July 16, 2020

I continued having smoothies and felt better every morning.  I did have some cake for my sister's birthday and I need to go to the dentist soon because it has been over a year since I went and my teeth are getting weird because of all the garbage I stuffed my face with after all this time.

I went to work today and noticed that I was happy and energetic through most of my shift before suddenly getting depressed with suicidal thoughts.  My sister questioned how I felt at work today and I said that I stopped feeling happy which indicated depression which she pick up on.  I still need to tell her about the suicidal thoughts even though I told her that I told granny about it and she knows it comes up from time to time.  My sister is starting to seem like she thinks counseling is a good idea for me.

I wanted to see how much of my book I could type in a day.  I started visualizing, but the birthday party combined with the depression that hit me all of a sudden when I was perfectly fine at work, are up most of the day.

Sorry for the let down.  If I get the energy and dont get sudden intrusive thoughts from work it would help me.  I still will not give up and I will play the game of see how much of my book I can type in a day.  Chess goes on forever and I can always pick it up again.  There are several finite goals I can tear through.  The book is one of my chances at wealth.

You understand not to listen to suicidal thoughts.  You will seek help if you want the pleasant talk to happen.  This would be love.

[trenton]

July 17, 2020

We ran out of frozen fruit to make smoothies with.  I went back to eating junk food instead When I could have still made eggs at least.  I did accomplish a fair bit today and I still took my vitamins.

I did my chess lesson on the good and bad bishops.  Most books talk about statically bad bishops, but they fail to distinguish a dynamically good or bad bishop.  The pawn structure does not automatically make a bishop bad if the bishop is outside the pawn chain and very disruptive.  I started some homework, but not a lot.

I spent more time studying business and money.  I am getting repeated feedback that college will not help me get rich.  A degree only offers me a job at best.  It seems that I need to find a way to make something valuable and place a price on it.  This could be my book of I continue typing it.

I did more self reflection today and I tried to let go of intellectual arrogance.  It is silly in the sense that my positions are all imaginary and conceptual yet we feel superior when we put debate people.  This does not make any sense if our positions are fundamentally false.

The issue I have mentioned a few times in this forum is abortion.  I have judged myself for a long time for being drawn to this issue rather than focusing on something more productive.  In the past I shared a perspective that I think helped open people's minds while pointing them toward non-duality.  This is one of the reasons I am drawn to this issue as it could raise the consciousness of mankind while helping me to describe what God is like.

This could be productive if I write an essay explaining everything about the issue on an existential level then a practical level.  I don't care which political party wins out in the end.  This issue drew me into spirituality because I sought truth for truth's sake.  I feel the compulsion to send the essay to various political forums where I can share it with thousands of people.  Some of them might be open minded and they might share it with more people.  One of the consequences of this essay is that it challenges the notions of an objective reality and it could facilitate a paradigm shift for humanity toward idealism, relativism, or non-duality.

It seems like the issue will not stop bothering me.  I would like to see what happens if I share it with many people and see how it helps them.  I am inspired by truth to do this and I have already begun the essay.  I will not stop tomorrow because it will not make the issue stop bothering me.  If this ends up being a life purpose I will not judge myself.  Judgement is a lack of self love and I will continue this quest in the morning.  In the next post I will give you what I typed so far.

We are one.

[trenton]

July 18, 2020

I needed to work today and I still did not have the ingredients to make a smoothie.  I went to work early in the morning and got off at 3:15.  After I got off I finished the recent video about perspectives by Actualized.org.  My goal is to reach a point that I do not have to defend any particular perspective.  I feel like it is too easy for me to try to be right.  Wanting to be right leads me astray because I am assuming that any one answer is right.  Maybe no matter what my perspective is, it will never be complete. 

I then encountered a person who criticized Shapiro for arguing that systemic racism does not exist.  I used to listen to Shapiro because I thought he was witty and good at debating.  I thought that I could learn to debate like him.  The problem is that he talks so fast that you need to slow him down and challenge one premise at a time while fact checking every document he references.  Sometimes he claims that a document said one thing while ignoring the other half of it that said the opposite.  In this way his positions depend on me being under educated and that is why he appealed to me.  As I became more concerned with what is true, I stopped following his content.  I wanted to see a new perspective because I was concerned about media bias.  This has allowed me to come to a point of view from which he appears extremely dishonest with a mountain of untruth.  I now see how silly it is to follow someone because they sound witty or can be good at debating.  Some people make the same mistake with Sam Harris. 

I started watching these talk shows less after watching Actualized.org.  This is a possible sign of my evolution, but I have a long why to go if this is where I started a few years ago.  I think I would consider myself roughly spiral dynamics stage orange evolving into green.  I have some left over influence of blue with a little bit of yellow.  My left over influence of stage blue is my attachment to feeling certain and wanting to be right.  If I can let go of this, it would help me to avoid a lot of self deception in which I have belief propping up belief propping up belief.  In this entire process I am only kidding myself into thinking this is true and it never gives me anything.  Paying attention to someone like Shapiro would pull me down, so I prefer to read books instead. 

One form of green guilt is the failure to live up to my ideals.  This is an underlying pain for much of my self actualization work.  If you have followed this thread, then you are probably aware that I set many ambitious goals for my life.  I want financial independence, chess mastery, a better job, education, spiritual awakening, a chance to try psychedelics, diet, exercise, meditation and other techniques, and various other goals.  I feel like there is so much that it is overwhelming.  I constantly feel like I am failing to the point that I become less motivated, and it thus leads me to watching YouTube again.  The reason I judge myself for this is because my ideal version of myself is a much more developed human being than I currently am.  I need to recognize that my ideals are fantasies which I may or may not fully live up to.  I would like to live up to them, but if I can't then I would like to not think less of myself because of how poorly I meditate.  I try to motivate myself by telling myself that I need to work my ass off, but it often fails to get me to do everything I want to do.

One of my favorite things about politics is that in order for me to be good at it, I need to avoid becoming corrupt myself.  This is how politics forces me on some level to self reflect, be as honest as possible, and to overcome my biases and self deceptions.  The reason I care so much about the abortion debate especially is because it forces me to confront my fear of uncertainty.  I feel like I am very dishonest when I see my beliefs and ideologies coming out of me.  I see myself trying to maintain them by repeatedly asserting that they are true when really I don't know.  This debate pushes me to very deep levels of self reflection to the point that I question everything in order to make sure that I am as honest and impartial as I can possibly be.  In order to be truthful, I must root out as much as my own bullshit as possible.

Some of the questions that abortion forces me to ask include but are not limited to the following?  Is it possible that Actualized.org is causing me to revert further into stage blue?  How effective is self reflection at delivering truth really?  What if all of my self reflection is simply me changing my perspective to something else which I now think is true?  What if God is lie and all of my self reflection was a confirmation bias?  What does my direct experience tell me independent of all philosophy from any human being?  What is reality really?  How much of my "insights" are actually just beliefs with no real direct experience?  What if non-duality is another ideology and actually there are objective dualities?  How much bullshit is there in spirituality and why do I seem so sure that it leads to truth?

The discomfort that I seek to overcome is the potential existential crisis that could arise from all of this.  I attempt to overcome this by seeking truth for truth's sake which led me to this website by accident one day.  Writing all of this down helped me to let go of some of the self deception mechanisms.  One of my self deception mechanisms is caring too much about truth.  If I get to attached to truth, it leads me to conflating relative and absolute truth because I am not letting go of the identity I have as a person who cares about truth.  In this way I care about my survival and self image.  If I care so much about the truth, then I need to recognize this problem. 

The self reflection required to be good at politics can be intense.  I tried to type more of the essay, but I felt dishonest in certain parts so I erased them.  I want to make sure that I do not straw man anybody to make myself seem right.  I struggle to comprehend the significance of everything I am doing right now.  I am coming through stronger than ever through this process.  This is one of the goals and I have a lot more self reflection to do yet.

Abortion Essay Lying Contest.docx

Notes for Abortion Essay.docx

[trenton]

I forgot to mention that self reflection can be so intense that it causes reactions throughout my body.  This includes muscles twitching and a lot of fear, anger, and frustration.  Self reflection is like challenging my own inner demons.  I want to know what would happen if I go through all of this.

[trenton]

July 19, 2020

This was the start of my vacation week.  I think from now on I should check my weekly accomplishments to ensure that I am making some progress of any toward self actualization.  I feel like I lose a lot of time from running and it does not help me as much as I would like.  One goal I will add is to maximize self actualization As much as possible to see what happens.

I am getting close to finished with the money book.  I am getting a lot of good information, but I need to know what kind of business to start.  My options are so broad that it is hard for me to choose.  I wanted to finish this because it might argue against going to college.  I told my family that I am considering going back to college, but if I can't get financial independence from it, then that might defeat the purpose of going back.  My sister argued that not only does college fail to make people rich, but it might even make me poorer.  I am running into this point constantly and it makes me unsure.

I finished my chess homework on good and bad bishops.  Now I just need a word document and to finish the 200 extra exercises in endings.  I did play some classical games and won a nice game against a decent opponent rate nearly 2100.  I had 0 inaccuracies, mistakes, and blunders.  I still had a better plan without giving up the bishop and playing f4 immediately.  It was a nice game.  Talking about rating makes me uneasy.

Part of my new goal is simply to minimize anything that does not help me reach a better life.

Let's go