The Bag Boy Who Met God: Accepting Responsibility to Live by my Own Greatness

[trenton]

October 28, 2020

Today was a very stressful day.  I woke up early and in a daze as I laid still.

I forgot to take my pills at first and my phone battery is acting ridiculous.  It is on power saver yet it is as though it has less power than normal all of a sudden.  I don't understand this.  This has never happened before.  It has 5 days left last night.

I did some self reflection and meditation.  It came up that my surface happiness disguised my deeper depression.  This can result in a split personality in which I am not really being myself, but rather putting on an act.  I don't want to do this and I want to be who I really am rather than who I think I should be because that never leads to true happiness.  I will acknowledge where I stand now, but it doesn't mean I have to stay there.

I only meditated for a little bit because I had a lot of anxiety compelling me to move and go home.  I also had some pain in my body.  Some tears came out as I recognized that true happiness does not require fear of negative emotions.  Total acceptance includes negative emotions in order to be real love no matter what I am.  My love for myself is conditional if I tell myself I should be different.

Finally I did more typing for my psychologist.  I am on page 16.  I covered existential questions, financial independence, politics, and religion.  I have a few more topics I can cover.  I have covered a decent amount of my trauma, but I could add a little more to guilt and shame.  I think that my poor psychology is causing me to hurt myself by pursing truth and thus creating a vehicle for devilry.  Some of my perspectives that I don't really know are true actually cause me a lot of anxiety and likely keep me up at night.  If it is physically unhealthy for me to pursue the truth in this way, I need to change what I am doing.  I remember that the truth is actually meaningless and I don't have to pursue it if I only hurt myself.  If I don't clear up these psychological problems, I have placed a glass ceiling on myself.

I want to help you the best that I can.  Be who you really are.

[trenton]

October 29, 2020

Today was a good day.  I began resolving more of my inner conflicts by getting to the root of my emotional problems.

I woke up early again and could not get back to sleep.  Eventually I started typing more of my concerns for the psychologist.  The document now includes a table of contents to help him sort through everything faster.  I covered enough to get a clue as to what the patterns are.

I can finish up the essay tomorrow and then just post the copy here.  It is too much to go into detail.  I think the core issue is my desire for control.  I therefore hurt myself when I pursue truth because of my attachment that backfires on me.  The essay will have the details.  I am sure I made the psychologist's job much easier than usual while ensuring I get the maximum benefit possible.

I then went to work from 2-10.  I considered getting lunch, but that would total 7 hours of working and I would be left with the awkward 1 hour at the end of the day.  I could still do that to meditate more.  It is a smart thing to do.  I didn't do it and I instead stayed on carts.  My mind was far more peaceful than usual, similar to when I first got an answer to my sleeping problems.  Ego back lash might cause the mood swings.

Good night.  I'm tired.

[trenton]

October 30, 2020

I had a dramatic day.

I slept well after typing everything out and getting to the root of my emotional problems.  I printed the 30 pages out and shared it with my grandma.  My sister did not want to read it because it was too long, but she still wanted me to tell her about it.  I told her the truth and we had a lot of emotional drama coming up.  She kept interpreting what I was saying as if she was a terrible person, but I finally managed to correct this.  Meanwhile, I misunderstood the situation when she came to me for money suddenly.  I now have a more complete picture of what is happening and we hate each other less.  She also now understands that our petty fights are only a small fraction of all of the trauma I am describing.

I could add that autism contributes to depression in that I try to act in a way that prevents people from being uncomfortable, but I constantly fail and my behaviors are interpreted in a bad light.  This makes me want to manipulate myself into being different but I still fail and end up hating myself.  I ended up crying a lot.

It is too complicated to explain everything here, so I can just post the essay next.

  I think I made a lot of very valuable progress in understanding what I want for my life purpose.  I had a psychological blockage clouding my view and I can now see more clearly.  My sleep is improving, my mind and emotions are stabilizing, and I want a form of work that allows me creative independence.  I would not like politics for example because the emphasis is on control and power over others.  I don't really get to express myself completely within the context of an ideology.  Instead I can express myself through impartial writing and playing a game of chess.  I don't need to make the convenient assumption that truth is limited to one belief system because the function of ideology is to control outcomes rather than truth for Truth's sake and is therefore corrupted.

I am proud of what you did.  You did not back away from your trauma and you expressed yourself honestly.  I'm the long run you are making you and your family's lives better.

Thank you.

[trenton]

One more inner demon came up.  I call it the wolf in sheep's clothing.  It is the idea that people can more easily be exploited by the "nice guy."  when people don't expect that you would do wrong, it can make it tempting to get away with something.  This contributes to moral anxiety and pseudo happiness when I feel pleasure from being in control and having the ability to hurt other people.  I wouldn't actually gain anything outside of feeling powerful, sneaky, or clever in addition to being in control.  If I let go of this possibility, I could be more peaceful because I would not be at war with my intrusive thoughts of things I would not benefit from doing.

I will also include my long essay about my psychological trauma.  This is how I can improve my sleep.  I am getting tired now.

About Me.docx

[trenton]

October 31, 2020

I did not do much for Halloween this year because I am still working on myself.  If I have one note, I think the extra sugar is affecting how I think and I don't actually control it because I was otherwise totally peaceful all day, but it suddenly became harder.  I need to sleep soon.

I went to work from 6 to 1 and has some tossing and turning getting to sleep, but slept well.  When asked by a customer about what I would do for Halloween, I told her I had too much going on with my family to to do much this year.  I ended up having a little candy, but she prayed for me and said God bless you.  She is a good person.  It would be insane to create a shadow out of religion like I did before if they are good.  That one comment helped with my personal development so I can be thankful for that. 

I now have a new method by which to detect the ways in which I am full of shit and I can apply it to my sister with good results.  My emotions are a sign of perceived evil even if not made explicit.  It has a hotter flavor and comes with inner tension and ruminations.  The issues are more complicated and I am being simple minded and selfish if I operate under the perception of evil and judge accordingly.  I fragment in the process of calling people evil and acting on this premise, poisoning myself in the process.

I continued my self reflection after work and more psychological trauma came up.  Some of my suicidal thoughts are linked to making my life about other people at the cost of what I really want.  Although it is noble to look for the best interest of all of mankind, major causes should not be the center of my life because I have very limited influence in large scale issues.  Some of these destructive thoughts are a consequence of being full of shit about religion and avoiding a paradigm lock.  Wow.

Anyway I learned a decent amount today and I am ready to go to bed soon.  I didn't do much except add a few more notes for my psychologist.  I am also becoming increasingly clear about my life purpose by undoing my psychological problems and toxic programming.  I have a lot of work to do on myself.

You did well today.  I'm proud of you.

[trenton]

November 1, 2020

I added a few more pages to my document.  I could still add a few more things.

A lot of stress and suicidal thoughts came up.  It was related to my phobia of religion.  This has been going on since I was a child, and it was never resolved.  Eventually, it faded away and I became more peaceful than I was before.  I am now fluctuating again as I encountered a root cause of my suicidal thoughts.  I am working on being less terrified of my similarities.  I will need to sleep.

I also expanded in sexual anxiety when working on my paper.  I filled about two pages.

I need to sleep.  Sorry.

Love you.

[trenton]

November 2, 2020

I had my first call with the doctor.  The internet started acting stupid so we had to use the phone instead.

We covered a lot of simple information about where I live.  He asked me how I intend for these sessions to help me.  I told him this was my first time in counselling ever.  I sent him the 35 pages about me.  I mentioned the suicidal thoughts that kept coming up.  He told me to try progressive muscle relaxation and journaling about the thoughts that keep me up at night.  I noticed that the more peaceful my mind the better I sleep.  What ever is causing my self destructive thoughts, I am hoping that I have him enough information to work with in that essay to figure it out.  I covered almost anything that could possibly be causing me psychological trauma. 

My grandma does not know how to begin to respond to everything I wrote for her.  She needs time to write a response.  Meanwhile my mom has the copy of the essay.  I have some confessions in there that I never told her.  I am doing my best to find whatever is causing my depression, but my mind is still conflicted.  It is possible that I am hurting myself through focusing to much on truth.  I am not balanced if I swing the pendulum too far in this direction, and this may only need to be a smaller part of my life.  I did this because I thought it was good, but I don't want to continue to destroy myself as I have been doing for about a decade.  I feel disconnected from the rest of reality.

I had a short work day and I warned the management about Monday.  I need to change my availability for these sessions.  I am also not sure if I should hold off on the life purpose course or not yet.  I have worked through a little bit for drama that clouded my vision, but if I get to the root of my psychological problems, it may change my conclusions.

After work I didn't do much.  I played some chess and won most of the games.  A lot of the thoughts I had were about my approach to understanding truth and how my neurotic personality has corrupted the process into hurting me.  I am trying to figure out if this site is hurting me and if I should stop watching these videos.  My psychologist mentioned that he heard of this site.  I want to know what my truest bliss is without pursuing what I think is good at my own expense as I have been doing in college.

This looks like a tough time for me.  I know you are doing your best and I can be thankful for that much.

[trenton]

November 3, 2020

I had a day off work and I didn't do much.

I fell back to my old habits of being on electronics all day.  I push myself to learn and read because this gives me nothing concrete.  I don't feel like hedonic adaptation works for me when it comes to YouTube and videogames.  I did play Zelda with Charlie and we found the last heart piece.

I voted for this election.  Many of the candidates I left blank because I didn't know enough about them.  The same goes for the unclear tax levies that didn't make sense.  They looked almost identical so I didn't vote on those.  I did vote for Biden though.  I wasn't impressed by the two third party candidates.  I told myself to be realistic and I don't know if this is what you would call conscious politics.  I voted like an average American.

When I think about getting off the tablet I noticed self destructive thoughts again.  If this causes depression, and I am more peaceful when I minimize internet, then it makes sense for me to experiment with this.  I'm going to try using internet only for this journal and my book.

I have thoughts like I hate myself when I spend all day on electronics.

I hope the experiment works well.

[trenton]

November 4, 2020

I continued staying off my tablet for entertainment.  I am honestly a little happier now than I was before.  I make myself depressed when I do that.  I would like to continue what I'm doing.

I also have a weekly diary for my psychologist that goes into detail about what kind of thoughts I am having.  Today my thoughts were along the lines of if I really love the truth, then I need to ensure that money does not run my life as I love paycheck to paycheck as a wage slave.  I want to have creative autonomy in my work and I want to be well off enough to travel and organize meditation retreats.  Kroger does not let me have this autonomy and I do not get to express my creative genius.  I am getting better ideas of what kind of jobs I should look for based on how I want to express myself.

I'm sure being a published author will help me out a little in the process, and if I continue to cut down on depressing entertainment, then it might help me accomplish my goals.

I won't let you be a bullshitter because I love you too much.  Fix your psychology and do what must be done.

[trenton]

November 5, 2020

I worked for eight hours today.  I was hungry because I started work around the time I should be eating lunch.  My friend helped me to get better with the cart manager while I was there.

Many of my thoughts surrounded moral anxiety.  I started questioning my previous coping mechanisms and I found a better way to deal thoughts I don't like.  The point is simply to acknowledge curiosity.  I am not really bad and I can forgive myself if I am only curious.  This includes morbid, destructive, and sexual thoughts.  All of it contributes to dishonesty when I don't want to tell people what I'm thinking about.  This method was helpful for weakening the patterns.  I also think this is related to the problematic duality of good and evil.  I am constantly incomplete if good does not include evil.  All masks become inauthentic if I must deny anything that makes the character seem inconsistent.

I am more peaceful and happy without the extra internet.  I will admit that for the end of the day, I did get bored and I used my tablet to kill one hour.  I had more fun typing my book.  This is especially true for chess club.  Typing is extremely fun when I write about chess because I love writing and chess.

I'm glad to see some progress is happening.  You were always enough.  I am judging myself a little for thinking I'm slow, but it works.  I'm upset because of how much I suffered over all of this.  I guess in hindsight it is obvious.

[trenton]

November 6-7 2020

Yesterday was my birthday, I turned 22.  My mind flew completely off the wire again and I was fighting with depression, hatred, and suicidal thoughts.

At first I was starving for the pizza, but I started getting sick to my stomach after eating 5 pieces.  I should have skipped dessert.  I felt dehydrated and exhausted.  I was too tired to take a shower so I went to bed immediately.  All night I was fighting with depression.  My sisters think I have something called "teretz" because of my sudden muscle spasms and jolts of energy.  We struggled to find a reason for my destructive thoughts.

I didn't sleep well at all last night in spite of the melatonin.  I think the tablet makes depression worse and I keep breathing heavily.  I had suicidal thoughts for ten hours in which I could have been sleeping.  I am about to update my weekly report for my psychologist.

The next day the destructive thoughts continued.  I barely ate any breakfast and I skipped dinner.  I felt like throwing up.  I am still dehydrated.  I don't want to keep blaming myself for all of these thoughts.  It is designed to be counterproductive and it hurts.

I went to the woods to meditate as I hoped to get to the root of all of this anger and destructive thinking.  Eventually I remembered that anger is an inauthentic emotion of it is denial that I have been hurt.  Moral anxiety became less of a problem, but the hatred did not go away.  I became far more peaceful when I recognized how I was in denial that I was hurt in my efforts to be a good person.  This includes the fact that I tried to craft various perspectives in case somebody found it helpful and life transforming.  I helped a few people like this, but the worldviews that play over and over in my head are to maintain arguments and perspectives that are irrelevant to me. 

This includes all of the thoughts I have been having about religion even though I cannot get a good life from criticizing all of this.  These perspectives are useless for me and they only existed to help other people who were curious.  There was too much suffering that came from maintaining ideologies and perspectives and I don't want to participate in that.  My anger began to subside when I acknowledged how I hurt myself in trying to be good.

From a more peaceful state of mind, I Finally finished the exercises i was doing.  I questioned My negative motives for values such as truth and honesty such as my fear of living in a false reality.  My mood swings are making me doubt the results, but I will follow through with the course after I share my week one report with the psychologist.  I have some anger in me still, but it is not as intense after the brief inner peace I experienced.  Sometimes I feel like I can't understand myself and I can't stop all of this insanity that I am going through.

I am not giving up.  I want to get to the root cause of my psychological problems.  I refuse to allow myself this kind of life.  I am doing everything I can to become the best human being I can possibly be.  I will sort through everything that could possibly be causing me psychological trauma.  My suicidal thoughts have been going on since high school.

I will never let you kill yourself.

[Megan Alecia]

@trenton Belated happy birthday! ? Hope you had a good one.. 

[trenton]

November 8, 2020

I basically typed my daily report for my psychologist already.  I can briefly go over the normal stuff and then tell you the interesting parts.

I went to work at 6, forgot to take my anxiety pills, and i was fine.  I went to the woods to meditate.

I further contemplated my self-sacrificing mindset and I found that I had the limiting belief that I am unable to get what I want.  I therefore pursue the lower level joy of helping other people get what they want at my expense.  This contributes to a depressing outlook on life and leads to my fantasies about becoming a parent even though I would rather build the best possible life for myself rather than give up everything for a child to live a better life than me.  My mind tells me that it is too late and I was hurt too much by my psychological problems.  I am still 22, yet this is a stubborn thought that I could be much more empowered without.  This mindset makes it very difficult to find my life purpose if I think that I am doomed to fail no matter what.  I need a significant paradigm shift if I want to live the best life possible.  This can stop a good chunk of my depressing outlook on life and relieve a ton of my inner stress and conflicts.  I would love to do that because it would change a lot for me.

I will continue to seek a better way of thinking as I pick myself back up.  I destroy my interest in everything if I am self-sacrificing.  I am ready for a better life.

[trenton]

November 9-10

Sorry I forgot to type a couple days.  I get really tired at night now, but I still wake up early.

I met with my psychologist and we talked about the line between thought and behavior.  He said that I don't show signs of acting on these thoughts.  He also told me about alternative activities for my destructive thoughts.  I started taking free online courses and they give me new ways of thinking.

I can go back to college for business in January.  My objective for going to college is to help me gain financial independence to cover myself for any survival needs that could possibly limit my personal growth.  I do not have a clear business plan though.  I am not sure what kind of business I should make.  In any case I want creative autonomy in my work.  Video games might offer that.

I have continued to question all of my masks and personas.  I am often deeply inauthentic when operating under these masks and I can more clearly see the possibility of selflessness.  All of my desires are not really musts if they are fundamentally groundless.  I do not know how truth would change my life.

I am also appreciative of the thoughts that often fill my mind.  I recognize how they are attempting to serve my survival and by attempting to choose truth over survival in the way I have, I only become at war with myself.  In this process I have let go of other masks and premises I operate under.  The function of holding onto guilt is to keep me from doing something socially disadvantageous.  It is still a mask.  The truth would remove a lot of this suffering.  If I say I care about the truth, it creates another identity.  I am not very curious about metaphysics because it often looks impractical and I don't want mental masturbation.  I'm still selfish and I want something that can change my life for the better.  I can continue studying many courses until my mind is open enough to these possibilities.  If I had enough money I would travel and try psychedelics.

Cover your bases and live the best life possible.

[trenton]

November 11, 2020

Today I had a ton of excitement and laughter.  I was constantly laughing at scenarios playing out in my head.

I continued the life purpose course.  I think that excessively positive emotions can hold me back if they are not an optimal way of thinking.  This has interfered with my school and college work.  It may be related to autism in that I don't laugh in my head, I laugh out loud.  This makes me look crazy to other people or they think I'm high.  I am not truly happy and fulfilled this way.  This also led to self deception to justify staying locked in my head.  I am starting to see where I need to put some effort to prevent my mood swings and design a healthier psyche.  Excessively positive emotions are not sustainable and lead to crashes.

I also played video games with Charlie and we defeated ganondorf in twilight princess.  We also completed a the game with all poes, all heart containers, and all item upgrades.  This is considered 100%.  There were some chests that were not opened, but they only had extra money.  We already maxed out the wallet anyway.  The new version corrected this by adding another wallet upgrade.

You have a ton of work to do.  Your psychological problems have been influencing your life greatly and they are hurting you.  Further meditation and self reflection is how I will make the suffering stop.

[trenton]

November 12, 2020

I think I need to let go of my family.  I had a pretty good day, but I can't always work with them.

My brother has some bad grades on his report card and I tried to address how his stubbornness would hurt him in the long run.  I see some of the behaviors I had when I was his age like saying no a lot when upset.  I could not really reason with him and he just does not care about his grades.

I remember how I hurt myself and made the situation worse when I wanted to help my mom out of her problems with domestic violence.  I don't want my family to continue harmful behavior but sometimes they are too stubborn.  If I let my family to then I can keep working on myself because I can't do anything better.

My grandma has some really good wisdom regarding ego games.  She said that she is old and she is tired of playing intellectual games to make people look stupid.  I discussed the underlying content with her and explained the pleasantness of making others feel bad.  I don't want to do this and I think she can expand on this for me.  She is the most reliable person left in my entire family.  I am still wrestling with this ego.  I think I need to resist it less because I create more suffering and inner wars when I am resisting my ego games by judging them as harmful which they can be I were more vocal.  One reason I stay in my head is because I am worried that my ego games will hurt other people and I don't want to do that.

Other than all of this I am making some progress with analyzing my negative psychology.  I am very grateful for what my grandma is doing for me and I can do all of this inner work only thanks to her.  I need a better form of income before she dies.  I also want a career I can be happy with.  I am torn on this because I realize it is necessary to pursue money sometimes, but I need to work this life purpose course out.

You are on the right track.

[trenton]

November 13, 2020

I spent some of the day deconstructing my memories with emotional baggage.  I practiced forgiving myself in the process.  I recognize the limited way of thinking in my initial reactions and the self deception that came with it.  I still have some more work before I can continue the next lesson in the life purpose course.  I can probably get close to some tomorrow.

A lot of inner demons came up in the process of doing this course and I am becoming healthier.  I could write out some of my questions for my grandma concerning intellectual ego.  Sometimes I still wrestle with this and I don't want to be at war with myself.  I try not to resist the things I find undesirable because it can intensify them.  There is a corrupting mechanism behind my worldview when I build up perspectives.  It might be too intense for her, but she did get tired of arguing with people for no reward.  There might have been a time in her life when she was like me.  I must remember that internal answers and self reflection has worked best so far even with fewer actualized episodes.  If she does not get it, I won't bother her.  She knows I appreciate everything she does for me.

I remembered to meditate and help out with the painting in the house.  After doing some chores I was eager to get back to work on myself.  I am preparing myself for the best life possible.  I am gradually cleaning up some of these inner demons that corrupt my thinking and truth seeking.  I may need to balance this with financial needs though.  I don't want to be irresponsible with my financial future.

I made some good progress today.  I don't want to be overdoing the junk food though.  Other than that keep up the good work.

[trenton]

November 14-15

I needed to get up at 6 a.m. So I skipped typing to go to bed.

I put a lot of effort into the life purpose course.  I am doing it far more thoroughly than intended.  There are multiple motives like I want the best life possible and in order to do it I must face my inner demons.  This includes addressing the psychological trauma that weighs in my mind in thinking about my life purpose.  I am doing a lot of contemplation into what drives me because I often find myself pursuing the wrong thing.

I deconstructed intellectual ego, belief and ideology, sex, and many other things.  Many things corrupt my thinking process when I consider my life purpose and if I clean them up, I can have a higher life purpose.  The root of my emotional problems came from school.  I almost flunked the fourth grade.  I became hyper disciplined and often used fear to motivate myself.  I out performed the other students until high school.

High school is when my depression started to show itself.  The work was far more difficult and I constantly blamed myself and best myself up for my lack of straight A's.  This creates negative spirals which became addicting to the point that I developed a taste for beating myself up.  I will bring this up to my psychologist because my depression showed up around high school and this could explain my destructive thoughts.  I once thought that suicidal thoughts would make me stronger.  This is a dangerous premise to operate under.  It was related to my vision of Jesus in which I left a white light and chose to enter a black abyss of extreme suffering. You may call me crazy or call me the story of the lost soul who wanted to discover that which he was not.  Either way I want the self manipulation to stop.

I am just so busy for keeping up with this.

You are doing excellently.  Master your psychology and master your life.  I still struggle with the phrase "I love you" because of my past usage coming from a place of neediness.  If there were a different meaning, I could say that more genuinely.

[dorishall]

I tried to make love and healing happen myself, when they were in fact, already the case. 

[dorishall]

I tried to make, when they were in fact, already the case.