The Bag Boy Who Met God: Accepting Responsibility to Live by my Own Greatness

[trenton]

September 14, 2020

Today I woke up early and could not get to sleep.  The melatonin still did not change this result.  I tried letting go of judgements which I did successfully at first, but they slowly crept back throughout my work day at Kroger.

When I got back home, I attempted to apply for my chess job, but I needed to move to NYC.  I am unable to get this job and I can't find any other places with jobs as a chess teacher.  They might be more common in other countries, but this is a rare job that I would love to do.  I like to improve the overall trajectory of a person's life through teaching chess.  It is not just about being a good chess player and winning tournaments, although I can help you do that with enough training.  I derive a deeper happiness from understanding that I gave a child all of my knowledge and understanding in order to help them pursue their dream of becoming a master.  It is like the love a parent feels for a child except I don't care if you are genetically similar to me or not.

I started feeling better and better as the day went on.  Eventually my racing thoughts came back and I struggled to meditate.  I did manage to meditate a little bit before starting work, but this was only about 20 minutes total.  On my days off I can take my pilgrimage to the hiking trails for two hours.

I sat downstairs with my family.  I could have continued the life purpose course, but my jumpy mind made me forget.  I can do a couple in the morning.  As I say downstairs, I read the news to may family about NYC.  Mom looked at me like I was crazy.  I told them that I felt that it would be difficult to convince my family to let me move.  Granny said that that is going to be the hardest part.  Anyway, I am not moving.  I knew it was a long shot.

I continued sitting down there as my sister and mother argued about political correctness.  I was able to see the partial truths in both perspectives.  I tried to explain that these issues are complicated and can get very grey, like if one person likes being called black, but another African American.  They also argued about systemic racism, so I showed them the quotes from the blog on this site as proof of systemic racism.  The family got heated when mom said the n word aloud. 

Mom then told me about how we used to have white slaves in America.  My sister told me not to trust her and do my own research.  I have been practicing mental flexibility with spiritual teachers, and I applied to mom making claims about white slaves.  I neither believed not disbelieved her.  I listened to her perspective and with an open mind I considered the possibility.  I then proceeded to do some research into white slavery.  I discovered that there were white slaves before we officially became a country, but we switched to black slaves later on.  Eventually, all the white slaves does and there were only black slaves.  I did not draw any conclusions from the information in regards to modern systemic racism, but in case you did not know there used to be white slaves in this area.  One drawback of facts like these is that they implicitly reinforce our modern racist worldviews such as blacks commit more violent crimes then whites, thus police force against them is justified.  This can be hard to explain to some people who say "we are just discussing facts" unaware of what they are doing in the big picture.

The issue then drifted to take culture.  The argument became more and more heated.  Granny and I agreed that this was going nowhere and we are making ourselves more upset.  As they fought, I discussed several interesting points with granny.  She finds spiral dynamics and ego development interesting for explaining our value systems.  One point is that Peterson touched on sexual impropriety.  He thinks that our society is not mature enough to discuss this issue.  He believes that sexual impropriety is an underlying issue of abortion.  Using this idea, I expanded to include issues like rape culture, LGBTQ rights, and our sloppy distinctions between rape, sexual assault, and sexual harassment.  We also discussed how people underestimate how complex these issues are and our perspectives are easily over generalized.  This is how there can be partial validity to contrary perspectives, but these issues can get grey and difficult.  We also discussed how people get very heated and ideological when it comes to gender issues like what happened at Nanny's house.  Granny agreed that our society is not mature enough to discuss sexual impropriety as mom and my sister continued to fight about rape culture.  The fight was not going anywhere, but I can have interesting discussions with my grandma as we compare today's politics to when she was a child.

Try to calm your mind down.  You have a ton of energy now that your cold is gone.  My energy is through the roof, but I need to sleep.

Good luck.

[trenton]

September 15, 2020

I am still hyper and only meditating a little bit.  I worked for 7 hours today and am struggling to calm down.

I did a little bit of the life purpose course and played some chess.  My entire mindset shifted again recently as my family prepares to get me into counselling along with my doctor appointments.  I feel like I am not doing as much as I could.

I tell myself that a lot.  It may be something similar to the shadow side where I am afraid of doing the opposite of what I want.  I think I do a lot of trial and error on myself to see how my psyche works.  This may be used a potential distraction from doing other things.  I can psycho analyze myself forever, but I am infinitely complex.

I feel disappointed in myself, but this is not resourceful.  I am constantly extremely happy, but it can make me unfocused.  I am very stuck in my mind again and it is hard for me to slow down and let it go.  I think if I keep up my meditation whenever I can, I will be better off with this.  I am thinking about leaving the forum again because it turns into a distraction.  My mind may think I'm doing the work by following this site. 

I notice that my mind is intentionally trying to make me upset.  This is still not productive.  All I am doing with this process is changing my emotions around, but getting the same results.  I will sleep on the question.  What works best for me?

Whatever works and gives you results, do it.  I don't want to stay stuck in my mind, only creating different states, emotions, thoughts, ect.  Because I care about you, I will admit that I am too absorbed in my own complexity, and I don't want to reinforce it with a spiritual ego.  Do what is necessary.

[trenton]

September 16, 2020

I managed to calm down a little bit.  I fell asleep late, but slept in since I had a late work night with no dinner.

Today a few interesting things happened.  I first tried to meditate in the woods early in the morning.  Before I left, I went back in to get my mask on case I need to go indoors.  I noticed how hatred is addicting because it reinforces a separate sense of self, but I never actually feel good because of it.  I was living in fear of pissing my sister off because she seems easily triggered by so many little things that i can't satisfy her.  I let go of this fear and let her get mad that I walked back in the house.  Granny is taking notice of how easily she gets agitated to.  I see how I am manipulating her, but I don't mean it in a bad way.  It is in my best interest to be happier, and in the process our conflicts are being drawn to the surface so the family can be more aware of them, ultimately being better for everyone.  I don't mean to be mean.

Afterwards, I went to the woods.  This gets pretty awesome.  I went to my meditation spot, and I brought a piece of paper with me to write with.  I needed to make a spot for me to write.  My meditation spot is on top of a lot of rocks in a shallow creek.  I had a lot of fun and laughed joyfully as I realized that I was manipulating the rocks in the environment to my liking.  I searched the creek for rocks I like so I could build a more comfortable spot to sit, as well a make shift table to write on.  I managed to find a huge, heavy rock to sit on.  I then took my old meditation spot, the flat rock,came started stacking rocks on top of it.  I then organized the rocks between the seat and the table such that I could comfortably cross my legs and meditate.  This was an awesome experience and I loved doing this.  It was like infinite intelligence was using the human as a vehicle for change by manipulating the rocks to my liking.  This was epic.

If you came through those woods now and see the spot I'm talking about, you can tell it's too intelligent and a human had to have manipulated the rocks.  Anyway, I did a little bit of contemplation about hatred and how addicting it is just like thinking and my racing thoughts.  I then stopped to meditate more deeply than I previously did and I felt very peaceful.

Suddenly, I heard some weird noises coming from the woods, I thought it sounded like a machine, and there was other people here.  Out of the corner of my eye I saw a brown blur fly past me through the shallow creek.  I thought it was a biker, and I went back meditating.  The noises continued and they got closer.  They started to bug me, so I opened my eyes getting ready to approach the noise to see what it was.  By the time I was about to get up, the noise was right in front of me.  I looked through the trees to see a for shrieking loudly and looking at me with her ears perked up and laser focus on me.  I turned my head to look behind me where I sensed movement.  I saw another deer staring at me and it bolted when I looked at it.  That was probably what ran across the creek. 

I looked back to the doe who was still fixed on me.  My mind worked more effectively than normal as I considered how I should approach this situation.  As the doe shrieked, I could hear stress in it.  It was obviously disturbed by my presence.  I thought that the deer might attack me or a buck might come to the area to stab me with its antlers.  I thought that the safest thing to was get out of the woods.  As soon as I stood up, the doe bolted.

I walked to the end of the creek and saw that there was no way a biker could get through all of the jagged rocks that quickly or even ride a bike through it.  The brown blur had to be on legs.  As I spend time out in nature my mind starts adjusting how I think and invent survival strategies.  Sometimes there are massive spider webs in the woods so I take off my shirt and whip the edges of the web to tear it down.  I can also swat swarms of bugs.  I also used some leaves as tissues.  There cavemen used to use leaves as toilet paper.  I keep finding ways to make my stay in nature more comfortable and my logic is also adjusting.  I work with the bare minimum, but I make it work with my creativity.  I made my way out of the woods safely.

When I got home I did some research on deer.  I found some useful information, but not what I was looking for.  I still did not find how a person should act in a deer encounter.  Deer attacks have happened, and I need to make sure that my behavior does not trigger one.  I found that deer have a routine.  Sense I showed up much earlier than usual, it would explain why I never encountered any deer before.  If I go to that area after 2 instead of before 10 a.m., the deer might have moved on by then.  I learned a little bit about deer from the encounter.  Standing up terrifies them when they look at you with their ears perked up.  I will need to be cautious of I want to use my awesome meditation spot.

Anyway, we ate pizza and I started catching up on the recent actualized.org video.  I will need to engage in some survival challenges like getting financial independence.  I don't want to use spirituality as a distraction from what needs to be done.  This is why I have the life purpose course and a lot of appointments coming up.  This includes career counselling at some point.  I am still not through all the concepts I need to get through and there are many books to check out as well.  This is going to be a lot of work.

stay on target.

[trenton]

September 17, 2020

The sleep problems continued, but I have to leave for work soon.

I had another long day at work, but managed to squeeze in a few chess games, course videos, and the ego development model.  I am looking for my chances to meditate around my work schedule.

I finally told my family about my plans to try psychedelics.  They freaked out and thought I was crazy.  I managed to get my family to watch one 30 minute video, but not the 2 hour lectures.  I still want to see if I am able to use psychedelics without getting hurt.  This is why I should probably start with less intense psychedelics.  I need to see if epilepsy is going to be a problem or not.  At least I'm being more open and honest now.  I like it.

Currently, I don't know what feels true.

[trenton]

September 18, 2020

I woke up early and could not get back to sleep.  I had a lot of thoughts about accomplishing something important as I woke up.  I challenged the thoughts as I realized that any growth brings me to a higher state of consciousness from which to try psychedelics when I ultimately get there.  By minimizing psychological trauma I can avoid increased intensity by making sure I am not overwhelmed by my old thinking patterns.

I wrote about the sleep disturbance on the forum.  Next I watched a life purpose video and meditated in the woods for a little over an hour.  The rocks were more comfortable now.  Eventually I got to the point that I started hyperventilating.  I remembered that I had a hard time breathing when I woke up in the middle of the night.  I thought this could be related.

I was about to go to the bathroom before returning to my spot, but granny called.  The manager needed someone to come in for work today.  I volunteered to take it because I was able too even though my plans were different.  The manager was grateful, and I hope they mention these things for future jobs.  I want to be a good employee is what runs my decisions in cases like these.

When I got home, a nice moderator answered my concerns about sleep deprivation.  The source of my racing thoughts was that I need to live up to my potential.  This is a painful thought which creates a ton of pressure.  It feels false because I confused something I am for something I have.

I would say that the truth was healing.  It made my racing thoughts slow down a lot with far less anxiety.  This worked better than the medication that reduced anxiety associated with the thoughts.  This should help out my sleep considerably.  I am glad I stayed in the forum all this time.

Finally, I went to work with a much quieter mind than usual.  I was much more present and peaceful with very little stress.  Factor in that not only did I get helpful advice, but I also meditated before going homework today.  This encourages me to set up ways to meditate on nature on the days on which I work.  This would leave me with healing and inner peace without attaching to world views I don't like defending anyway.

Thank you

[trenton]

I would like to note that the "growth mind set" does not feel true of it seems from the belief that I have to live up to "my potential.". I slept much better with a quieter mind without this belief.  My entire day improved thanks to my own self reflection with help from a moderator.   I started to recognize that something was up with this so called "growth mind set" but I could not completely articulate it.  I think it is for some reason helpful to have other people describe what I am trying to describe.  Maybe it is because a problem can be solved from a different level of consciousness than from the one that created it.

[trenton]

September 19, 2020

I slept well last night thanks to the moderator.  The moderator said that I should keep feeling more deeply.  I try to do that, but I don't always know what to do with the feeling that is there.  Doing nothing with it sounds counter intuitive.

I needed to work on the morning.  My manager needed me to fill in for someone tomorrow.  I took it even though I was not enjoying the job.  I am selling my passion for a little bit of money.  I also took a survey in which I explained that I want a different job.  I could learn a lot more with a different job.  The underlying belief is that I have to live up to my potential and it makes me miserable, physically I'll in fact.  I am afraid that without this belief I will stay where I am, but actually my selfishness makes my life worse.  I don't need a new job.

After work I meditated in the woods.  I wavered a lot though and needed to find warmer spots.  I am noticing the temperature differences in the woods depending on the concentration of light and how close to water i am.  I may need a jacket or long sleeves to account for this difference.

drew came over again.  I watched one video of the life purpose course and wasted a lot of the day.  I say wasted because I am worried that I will be okay with watching YouTube videos.  I am trying to avoid getting comfortable and I therefore give myself the stick.  I don't know how to deal with this.

I also asked about self deception in the emotional forum.  My mind is trying to deny my painful memories were true.  I have a lot of guilt and suffering when I refuse to allow the self deception to tell me these thighs did not happen.  I don't know how to deal with this.  I also don't know how to deal with beating myself up in the hopes of achieving an end goal.  This tactic rarely works anyway.

I get the most benefits from this site when I study emotions.  If I want to be at peace with myself and meditate more effectively, then I can't let these inner wars continue and they must be resolved somehow.  Intuitively I would choose truth while resisting the self deception trying to make me suffer less.  I think I should tell the truth.  This is a source of moralizing which causes more self deception and suffering.  I know a more effective route for self understanding and it gives me concrete, tangible results.

Do it Trenton.  Reduce your suffering and learn about yourself through emotional mastery.  This is what I am most interested in even though it is not obvious now how it will make money.  I think the long term healing is what will help me with it.

I love you.

[trenton]

September 20, 2020

This time I woke up early, but for close to sleep again.  A lot of emotional trauma came up again that was other than "living up to my potential."

I woke up thinking about the times I lied.  My mind tried to deceive itself by saying the memories did not happen, but I don't let my mind do this.  I insist that I am not crazy and I know my memories are right.  I will need to discuss a lot of emotional trauma with a counselor soon.  This is part of my plan for spiritual development by dissolving toxic parts of the ego without hating them.  I think once I have a clear mind and I have more self-love I will more effectively detect a good life purpose.  It might be harder because of the trauma.  I also like the idea of self transcendence and I would like to get closer to that in the process as well.  This might also make it easier to try psychedelics.

I am currently not totally clear on how to deal with the self deceptive nature of the mind when it comes to memories about myself that I don't like.  I think ultimately telling the truth is the best and it causes me to hold onto a lot of trauma in order to make sure I don't lie to myself.  I hope a counselor can help me.

I worked a short day and only stayed in the woods for 30 minutes.  My meditation was off and on because I had a racing mind again.  Eventually, I had to walk home to go to the cheese cake factory.  I got something weird and unusual.  It tasted weird and unusual.  I barely finished it and I was stuffed.

On the way back my sister mentioned how my approach to talking to strangers might make people uncomfortable.  I don't do it with any malicious intent, I'm just curious about other people.  I did make some friends doing this, but I can see my sister's point of view.  She thinks I don't listen, but I see what she is worried about.  She also mentioned how I laugh out loud a lot.  I don't think that's a bad thing.  People often wonder why it is I am so happy all the time.

My grandma also got a nice lavender spray for my bed and body wash.  I am grateful that she is doing whatever she can go help me sleep.  I am doing whatever I can by discussing emotional trauma and preparing to speak with a counselor.

Your ultimate goal is to free yourself from self deception.  This is done as an act of self love, but as hate even though it can be emotionally unpleasant.  Find a truthful way to deal with your problems.  I can't keep from my family much longer.

[trenton]

September 21, 2020

Today was a nice day. 

I was in the woods for about 4 hours.  I found some decomposed deer and I went to the bathroom under a fallen tree.  I found some better spots to meditate.  I often have a hard time focusing, but the more I am out in nature the quieter my mind becomes.  It is similar to my dream about that which has no opposite.

I feel selfish spiritual ego in the background pretty often.  I am simply labeling selfishness when I see it in a non-moralizing way.  I labeled other forms of selfishness such as wanting to look smart or wise.  There is also self sabotage created by being afraid of sabotaging myself.  Deep down I feel I knew this was true.  I can accept responsibility without falling myself evil.  Instead I seek alignment with God, paradoxically recognizing that I thought that that would be a good idea.

Last night I had a deeper insight into love which I had all along since I was a child.  The reason we tell the truth is not for a moral reason.  It is to help free ourselves from self deception.  Telling the truth is you accepting yourself.  If you can't tell the truth about yourself, then what do you love?  I wrestled with self deception for a long time and I became very neurotic.  From my point of view I was trying to love myself from a position of fear which lead to a lot of inner wars. Thank you.  This makes me sad but happy.

I told my grandma about what I do when I have a hard time sleeping.  She said she gets it because it helps to relax me.  I still did not tell a few other things, partially because I need to talk to mom alone.  A lot of these things probably don't matter, but at least I can start from a good foundation when building a good life.  I am stating to open up to other people because of the benefits of telling the truth.  I experience fear and hesitation because I am worried about how people will judge me.  I don't need to avoid acknowledging this about myself.

I continued with the life purpose course and I am getting pretty decent advice.  It is different from some of what Peterson told me.  I also continued some audio books.  One book I finished was not in the book list, but helpful anyway.  There are some spiritual books I listen to that contradict what Leo said, but I try to keep an open mind, recognizing that my judgement is coming from a place of love and my desire for God.  It is also fear of being wrong, and I sense some selfishness in there with this fear.  I want to be right.  By taking this attitude I often have a hard time not thinking of myself as better than other people, which leads to spiritual ego.

There are more paradoxes I am still working with like the paradox of self acceptance.  I don't want to use this in a way that I justify homeostasis, thus making it harder for me to build a better life.

I feel like a snowball is building.  I will keep up this meditation habit even though I struggle to focus.  The environment quiets my mind anyway.  To free yourself from self deception is self love when you accept yourself through truth.

[trenton]

September 22, 2020

I had another interesting day.

I started off with waking up early and not getting back to sleep.  I just lay there in a daze tired.  I see that I am on electronics after 9.  This does not help and I should probably push this back.

I left for work by 9 and I prepared to go to the woods after work.   While at work I just cleaned all day.  It was monotonous and boring.  I am creating these negative emotions trying to move myself to get a different job.  I think all of my fear is used to manipulate me.

After work I purchased two apples and went to the woods.  I sat and did nothing for about 2 and half hours.  I did look around the fallen logs I was sitting on.  I also listened and watched the deer that were running around the trees.  I struggled to meditate and I was not focusing very well.  My mind just kept moving and included the topic of touching of myself.

 I went back home to get dinner.  We had dinner later than usual.  I have been eating less than usual as I have been spending more time in the woods.  I did not have a craving for ice cream and I did not want it.  Eating less sugar should improve my sleep.  I felt full with dinner and I think I have been taught to eat more than I need to eat.  This habit is proving to be beneficial.

I then listened to audio books and continued the life purpose course.  I am getting a lot of valuable information from this combination and I make sure I keep learning while creating myself into what I would like to be.  I did not spend much time with the family because I am off doing my own thing.  I am also using spirituality to transform myself in such a way that I can more effectively pursue my life purpose no matter what it may be.  I am seeing my mind transform in a way that gives me more inner peace while empowering me.  Of course I can't ignore the problem of money and financial independence.  This should not be ignored with disguised egotism.

All of my thoughts are creative and I am focusing them toward a new transformation.  This is my evolution toward love.

[trenton]

September 23, 2020

I continued with the same agenda, adjusting for the work schedule.

I started off listening to the life purpose course and continuing the audio book.  I am remembering how long it took me to Finally start listening to those, but there is just too much information you are missing without them.  They can help you a lot.

I did not need to work until later in the day, so I left 3 hours early to go to the woods.  I took my apron and folded up in the lunch box.  I set a timer for two hours because this time it mattered how long I was out.  I went to my make shift table to write about Mind and self love. 

I recognized that a difficult part of my identity to change was my identity as the mind.  By cutting myself off from my body, my ego was often able to manipulate spiritual truths and twist them while mixing healthy aspects with unhealthy aspects.  This is how spirituality was used to slow personal development, and it is a big reason why intellectualizing can become a trap to prevent change.

Examples.

1. I have been isolating myself constantly from other people.  This contributes to awkward social behavior.  My former behavior was justified by the idea that I am supposed to isolate myself.  I could tell this was false, and I have taken steps to correct it.  I can still be more open to people and speak to them in a way they can understand.  This is a necessary part of truthful self expression and self acceptance regardless of their judgement.

2. By identifying with a mind in my head, I reinforced the notion that I was a smart person.  This is silly because actually it is smarter not to place so much strain on your head.  I did this a long time ago and it stuck.  Both of these habits were developed when I was a child and I am trying to correct them.  The "you are not your body" belief is thus used to limit me to the brain, increasing unhealthy body tension while locking me in the former perspective.

It is possible to correct the childhood habits, but it will take work because I started developing them when I was elementary school.  I would like to see this change occur.

As I continued my meditation, I expanded my consciousness throughout my body.  I suddenly felt a ridiculous amount of tension.  This might cause sleeping problems and trouble focusing.  It was seriously painful physically to sit there aware of all the tension.  It filled my entire back, neck,  and arms.  I did not see my legs, but this would explain why I have trouble breathing sometimes.

As I struggled to breath, I continued expanding my awareness through my body.  I eventually got off the rocks and went to the field of grass.  I rested my back and began breathing in and out.  I did what I could to release this insane amount of tension.  My doctor and family noticed it, but they have not found a way to correct it.  I tried neck exercises, but it was not enough.  My body started to feel better, but that is no where near the end.  I eventually left for work and I continued scanning my body.  I struggled to get passed my neck because it was painful as this tension unraveled. 

I know how I must continue if I want to prepare myself to take psychedelics.  I may review that episode on body awareness to help correct this  painful karma.  I think there are some work shops about this.  I could look into those at some point to see if those help.  Of course I haven't forgotten about everything else though.

I explored another chunk of the woods out of curiosity in the last 40 minutes.  I found some human machine in the middle of the woods.  No idea what its purpose is.  I eventually found another exit to the woods.  I could see the walking trail from up by the electric towers.  I explored the rest of the area and discovered some houses, so I turned back.  By the time I went back through the woods I had ten minutes before I had 1 hour to get to work.  I did a lot of scouting through those woods, and I have been to a good chunk of the areas.  I never encountered another human in those woods, but apparently they go back there.  I see some trash to pick up, but it is mostly clean.

I left for work.  I tested two possible routes to get to work today.  They are both uncomfortable, but it is worth it for this kind of habit being set up.  As I mentioned before I had a searing pain in my neck that I was unconscious of.  I then worked through the day at Kroger.  I cracked a couple of jokes about how if you tell your co workers you make 11 dollars an hour, they will follow you home and throw bricks through your window.  The boys will teach you a lesson for telling us how much money you make.

After I got back home I did not do much else.  I watched some shows and it is past my bedtime now.

good night.

[trenton]

September 24, 2020

I started off this morning with a hiking trip.  I looked at some places that were off the main trail.  I eventually found a way to get to that old house that I could not remember how I found.  While in the woods I wrote about competitive spirit.  It is a source of a lot of self judgement and it leads to a lot of falsehood of I think I need to be better than everybody else.  It may contribute to bodily tension.  I continued scanning my body, trying to release some tension.

When I went back home, I practiced reducing my sugar intake just a little.  I ultimately forgot to take my pills today and did not notice much of a difference.  I continued the life purpose course after watching Dragon ball z.  I learned about a critical concept.  this concept is a game changer, but I can't tell you what it is unfortunately.  I watched a long video going into detail about this concept.  I would love to tell you more but I can't.

It finally dawned on me that I needed to move away from the inauthentic truth seeking to writing my book.  I started my YouTube habit to help me avoid doing what I love.  I don't want to deny myself everything I am capable of by getting caught up in so many petty fights I get into because I am not doing what I want.  I typed a couple of days in my book, and I plan to get back on track with it.

Your life purpose has been under your nose the whole time.  You have been finding excuse after excuse and distraction after distraction to stop you.  This is the source of your misery.  I am capable of much greater degrees of self love, and it does not need to come from spirituality. All of your drama is self imposed and designed to make your life worse.  I have an equal amount of power to stop all of it and shift it in the opposite direction.  This will end all my inner wars, created to make me self absorbed rather than self reflective.

Your objective is to become a published author, and you have gotten lost.  It is time to end your games.  I turn actualized into an ideology because personal development is part of the game I am playing to stop me from typing the book.  Conquer yourself and rise above everything that came before.

[trenton]

September 25, 2020

I had poor sleep which lead me to laying in bed a lot.  I wasted a lot of time in mindless entertainment which did not fulfill me.  I tried getting a nap to no avail.  I ended up going to the woods early, but I did not stay as long because I got hungry faster than usual.  The cereal did nothing for me.

Anyway, while in the woods I meditated and contemplated reality bubbles.  I wondered what would happen if I popped all of the reality bubbles of which reality is made.  Somewhere along the line my gradual enlightenment experiences brought me to an experience of no self.  I wrote about how being absorbed in myself is designed to feed suffering through various methods.  This includes over thinking, stirring emotions, judgements of myself and others, and more.  My sense of self was used to create a lot of needless suffering.  I fought with this a lot in the past, but this only feeds the ego.  Finally a lot of suffering stopped and my mind quieted down.  Thoughts still happen, but I am less self absorbed and not hating myself because it is addicting.  These retreats to the woods helped a lot.

I continued typing my book.  I intended to continue the life purpose course, but forgot about it because I was busy wasting time earlier.  I typed a lot of hilarious things in that book.  I did not finish an entire chapter because the library did not let me stay more than an hour for COVID.  I typed some at home as well.

I also noticed yesterday that I wasted a lot of time in this forum.  I am being more mindful of my time as I type this.

Sleep well.  I am grateful that you have the ability to ride above your drama.

[trenton]

September 26, 2020

Today was one of the days in which I slept well.  The night prior I managed to silence my mind more than usual.  My mind races when psychological drama bubbles to the surface and I face it.  I think the meditation is helping me to more easily let the stressful things pass.

I started off with work at 7.  I slept more easily as my mind became more adept at dealing with resistance.  I think typing the book also helps.  Anyway I did fine at work, but the managers keep emphasizing the importance of greeting the customers.  The cashier thinks it is weird as well.

After work I meditated in the woods more effectively.  I stayed in the same spot for about an hour and half.  I also made a rock bed which I managed to make comfortable enough to lay on.  The flies were all over my legs for some reason.  I did not feel like swating them so I just let them stay.

Later in the day some psychological things started bubbling up again.  A judgement I made a long time ago is that I viewed ideologues as slaves to ideology.  This applies to religion and it seems tragic, but this creates more suffering.  I also entertained the possibility that I am still a slave to various ideologies with different content.  I tried to work through some of these background psychological hang ups by feeling resistance carefully and noticing when I have designed suffering.  It is tricky, but I can allow this to melt away through awareness.  As these psychological problems come up they can lead to racing thoughts, so it is good to know the patterns I have.

I then listened to an audio book which elaborated on this issue.  I need to be less forceful in changing myself because I don't want to feed ego in the process of self reflection.  My softer approach works and increasing my awareness helps me to ease my internal wars which make me unclear about my life direction.

Another psychological problem then bubbled up relating to life purpose.  Should I be a chess master?  A writer?  Something else?  How will I get financial independence?  How does spirituality for into all of this?  I felt lost again.  I need to ask not only what to do, but why do I want to do it.  I remember a while back I was fearful of having no direction at all.  I attempted to fix this by pouring a lot of effort into chess which became unhealthy and ultimately takes the fun out of it.  My why for writing and spirituality is self understanding.  Writing also may help a little bit with financial independence if I get some money off of it.  Truth might alter my entire view on life.  This could change my entire way of thinking about life purpose.  Why choose anything other than truth?

I watched a couple of episodes of the life purpose course and I am almost done with the long section.  I also can't afford to waste time on YouTube because I made a bet with my grandma.  I will owe her 100$ every week in which I fail to write a chapter of my book.  My sister was at first a bay sayer, but then felt the need to one up me by paying 5 dollars for rent.  I feel that I am stealing from my family by not becoming financially independent.  I am mooching off of them all the time and constantly penny pinching.  I make less money then them, but still I need to figure something out.

I have a few things to do, but it is nothing I can't handle.  I need a way to stop this guilt from money problems as I change my present life situation.  Maybe being a published author will help.

I am Love.

[trenton]

September 27, 2020

I started off meditating in the woods.  I did not focus very well this time because I forgot to take my mask with me.  This would have allowed me to go in a nearby restaurant to go to the bathroom.  I heard people's voices out in the distance and I didn't want them to catch me with my pants down.

I spent a lot of the day typing my book.  I was laughing pretty hard at what I have for chapter 2 when I finished it.  At the end of this chapter a girl asks if I want to be her boyfriend.  I still need to finish chapter three by the end of the week or I owe granny 100 dollars.

I also spent a lot of time running around outside.  I realized that this is another defense mechanism which substitutes the thrill of jogging for doing something important.  The time spent not doing the book was several hours wasted.  If I break the YouTube habit which was already reduced then I will waste less time.  I watched the videos on a faster speed so I waste less time.

I am not going to turn this 100 dollar bet into procrastination.  I don't know what I will do with myself if that happens.  I counted the pages.  If I type about five pages a day, then that should be enough to hold.  Maybe I should type two days of the book every day.  This would give me enough space to ensure my safety.

I have to work tomorrow, so I need to be careful with how I manage my time.  Maybe it would be better to meditate on the back yard for a while because the walk might lose a lot of time for the book.  I did not do the life purpose today.  I will do one episode before I shower and prepare for bed.  No screens after 9.

Do what you need to do and give yourself a shot at financial independence by becoming a writer.

[trenton]

September 28, 2020

Today I worked for nearly 8 hours and did not continue the book.  I managed to fit in about 30 minutes of meditation though.  Luckily, I have two days off and I can get more than caught up soon.

I am also trying to understand how to stop all inner wars with myself.  The paradox is that this to creates an inner war.  I eventually found it more effective to feel fear more deeply at which point it just vanished.

I also think that concerning myself with things beyond my control is not the way I should go.  I constantly run into a paradox in which focusing on the fact that I should not focus on something causes me to focus on it.  Feeling more deeply seems to be the most effective.

I will need to seriously train myself to focus on what I want rather than what I don't want.  All I end up doing otherwise is eliminate all possible options.  I might use a rubber band for this.

There is a struggle to live by a higher conscious.  I wish I could find a much less painful way so I would stop these great fluctuations.  I tend to be in the most pain when I am at work.

Good luck.

[trenton]

September 29, 2020

On this day off I spent several hours typing my book.  There are some interesting, some boring, and some hilarious parts.  The most hilarious part is when I explain my strategies for making friends.  It includes memorizing jokes to look original and funny, but also admitting that I  am using these strategies because I am trying to make friends.  This is the most hilarious part.

I tried meditation in the woods, but my mind did not sit still.  There were a lot of thoughts concerning God again.  I think that my thinking is counter productive in that I am creating more ideologies which I don't really know are true.  So long as I am spinning more stories, I am not really fulfilled because of the happiness associated with attachment to the thinking which is my deep discomfort. 

I watched the new actualized video and I did get a lot of useful information.  I was able to feel more deeply as I listened to it and thought about the various things I could be introspecting about.  Some of my bodily tension was released as I let go of certain beliefs.  There are many things I fear are false, but doing to because I fear they are true.  This creates a split psyche that could be made healthier through not knowing.

I finished the last concept for the life purpose course, and I am Finally ready to move into the practical part.  After I contemplate a few more topics I should be ready to start some of the exercises. 

I have been having fun with writing and it might give me a shot at financial independence.  This work also makes me far happier than debating people on forums and playing worldviews in my head over and over even though I don't know that they are true.  My authentic self does not want to participate in these debates because I constantly feel dirty as I act like I know things.  Inner peace is much more joyful, but thinking is addicting.  I just need to recognize when the very act of thinking is creating the partiality that ultimately falls apart as a perspective.

I would like to know what it is like to live a life with silence and inner peace.  I am currently attached to thinking because I think my thinking is important.  I don't think I need it to the extent that I think I need it.  How do I know which of my thoughts about thinking is right? 

Anyway, I wonder what would happen if I lived in my direct experience.

All that is left is direct experience without concepts.

[trenton]

September 30, 2020

Today was interesting.  I had a day off but did not continue the meditation.

Early in the day I did a little bit of writing about life purpose.  I was looking for more powerful reasons to play chess and write books.  I still have a couple more questions before I continue the course.

I then proceeded to type more of the book.  I did not type that much, but I noticed a pattern in my thinking.  All the way back in high school I started thinking more and more about religion as well as accomplishing something important with my life.  These thoughts created a lot of inner tension and it does not feel true to talk to myself like that.  I do see how I was struggling with a lot of inner wars because I was trying not to be self deceived.  Eventually, a lot of my stressful thoughts and my painful awareness of self deception made it harder and harder for me to be interested in college.  I got a degree anyway.

I needed to get ready to go to the dentist.  I had a bunch of cavities to fix.  My face was numb afterwards and I stayed in bed most of the day afterwards.  My face still hurts a little, but it should continue getting better.  Next I have another doctor appointment followed by a counselor.

Finally, I did further self reflection and tried to feel more deeply.  I paid attention to how I was avoiding groundlessness through creating inner wars.  I noticed the twisted pleasure i get from creating suffering and judging other people.  I would like to give up my judgements concerning politics and religion because I ultimately make myself feel worse even though I have initial good feelings of superiority.  I am starting to feel less clouded with fewer wars.

Find inner peace.  Feel more deeply and expand your consciousness.

[trenton]

October 2 2020

Sorry I didn't post for the past few days.  I had a strange work schedule that kept me out until 11.

I finished the extra contemplation exercises for the life purpose course.  I discovered that one of the reasons I am not happy with external validation is because it is against independent thinking.  I want a job or career that gives me the ability to express my creativity.  Business and entrepreneurship seem to be done decent bets for me if I knew what kind of business and how.

Meanwhile my chess is slipping and I am not playing as well as I used to.  I noticed that my favorite games are ones in which I created a state of flow by going into something completely new.  I play the same games over and over and go on auto pilot.  Independent thinking is encouraged in board games just like creativity.  This is one of my favorite things about chess.  If I could find careers like this, it would be nice.

I continued my meditation and did pretty well.  I stayed in place for an hour, but I started getting cold.  I am getting better at this and feeling myself more deeply.  I can see real benefits from doing this.  It is my key to self knowledge.

I am entertaining the idea of getting a full body massage.  I have a lot of bodily tension and it will probably be very painful.  I am looking over the mountain.  If I can withstand the pain which I should not underestimate, it might lead to improved bodily awareness.  This can translate into self knowledge and consciousness if I do.  I also go to the doctor's office next week.

I have stayed in my mission with the book and I have almost finished chapter 3 just in time for the end of the week.  This is actually a short chapter so I still need to step it up for next week.  I noticed that I thought a lot about religion back when I was in school.  I became painfully aware of self generated suffering and self deception, but I struggled to overcome it somehow.  I also had "living up to my potential" in my head when I was in high school.  This was actually unhealthy and did not help.  It worsened my sleep.  Finally, I was struggling with suicidal thoughts which I made more powerful by fearing that I would act on them.  I never believed the thoughts because I knew deep down that I was lying to myself again, but I still didn't know what to do about it.  To other people I would have seemed crazy if I tried to explain what I was going through.

I'm glad I was drawn to this site and spirituality.

[trenton]

October 3, 2020

Today I needed to work for 8 hours.  I confused my hours and thought this was a four hour day.  I did not take as much food, but I was okay. 

I managed to squeeze in a short meditation after work anyway.  I followed this with writing about my greatest fears.  It boiled up that I will probably have to major in business by going back to college.  If my personality tests were any indicator, and my values are pointers, then it looks like it is one of my better tries along side personal development.

I don't see the alternative to going back to college in an effort to get a better job than I have now.  I still have writing to do because I like it.  I finished the third chapter.  There are some boring days, so I might have to shorten the book at some point.  If writing is my alternative to business, then my most obvious choice is to keep up the bet I have going. 

Granny thinks I'm doing a lot.  She sees me working with doctors.  I plan to work with career counselors.  I am going to see a psychiatrist to address the occasional depression that boils up and is associated with suicidal thoughts.  I am also working on the life purpose course, meditating, journaling, and keeping up with the job.  I also plan to get a massage still because it might improve the quality of my consciousness.  She is aware of the book as well.  I am glad that she is taking notice that I am trying.  I don't want to keep stealing money from her because I can't live on my own.

The reason business came up is because I don't want to be stuck in analysis paralysis.  I am listening to my gut.  I will continue the life purpose course to learn more about myself.  I made some progress, but still have more to do.

Keep up the good work.  What ever needs to come up, I welcome it.  I want to feel you and hear what you truly think.