The Bag Boy Who Met God: Accepting Responsibility to Live by my Own Greatness

[trenton]

August 6, 2020

Today I needed to work for 7 hours and that took a lot of my day.  While there my mind ran all over the place like a drunk stung monkey.  Logic does not really affect how it behaves.  I don't want my emotions going crazy like that, and I would prefer to stay peaceful which is possible.

When I got back home I finished all of the remaining chess homework even though it took a pretty long time.  It was about 2 and half hours for me to finish everything.  Some puzzles had multiple solutions that were almost just as good.  They all still won in some way, so at least I don't always have to find the best plan.

Finally, I did more running around outside.  I feel happier when I do that.  I did not accomplish a whole lot today, but I guess I did okay given that I had long hours.

One more week and you will start seeking your life purpose in a new way.  Remember it is what comes after that counts and I will get out what I put in.  This will be a major pointer for my life.  Good luck.

[trenton]

August 7

At first my chess was delayed.  I could not start until 1 this time which is later than usual.  My coach was mostly pleased with my planning exercises.  There were a couple of details I missed but overall I did pretty good.

In the actual lesson I learned about the center.  My coach pointed out that I was getting distracted by trying to make flank attacks, and taking unnecessary risks to try to squash my opponent.  My previous coach taught me that I should always try to attack.  My rating jumped by 1000 points when I took this advice.  This became a habit, but it is way to simplistic.  I need something much different if I want to jump another 1000 points.

After this I participated in a tournament.  I won three games and lost two.  I was not happy with my performance because I was better in the other two games at some point.  There is no way that guy who beat me is only rated 750 because he won all the games.  This constant disappointment gets exhausting and I would like to try seeking a life purpose.  I still had fun with the tournament though, it is just very stressful.  I fear that my productivity slips because of this attitude.  I won't cause myself unnecessary suffering by sticking to one path to strongly and I will see where the life purpose course takes me.  Maybe it will renew my interest, maybe it will be totally new.  It may impact my decision to go back to college.

Most of my day was gone after all of that.

Listen to what your experience tells you.  Listen to God and your life can improve.

[trenton]

August 8, 2020

I had to work 8:30-4:30.  My lunch had so much junk food in it just because we needed to pack it with something for the long day.  I discovered nothing substantial at work and it is just grindy labor that numbs my mind.  It is basically like college and it makes my mind less flexible.

My sister still hates me because I told her I did not like her.  I hear it in her tone and words.  I never mean to make her hate me.  She also tried to break my addiction to junk food, but it fails for several reasons.  I can't make smoothies if she is on the phone constantly during quarantine.  I can't make healthier meals if I am constantly on the run to work.  After work is the most concerning because that is when I eat the most junk food.  She acts like she no longer cares, but I know it is a lie.  All of this over a fucking banana.  If this is how she reacts when I express My emotions, then I will not turn this into an excuse to stone wall because I know that is self deception to justify what I already do. 

I also wish to be above the level she seems to be pointing me toward.  I choose to not be angry with her and to not allow her reactions to affect my emotions in a powerful way.  Otherwise, it will devolve into mom and brie.  It will become exactly like that relationship, and no reasoning will ever change it.  I need to meditate and observe my reactions carefully.  My environment will drag me down, but I won't let it take me that far.

My cousin visited today.  I did not really accomplish much today.  One thing I noticed is the fact that I am giving myself cancer in the impulse to things I should not be eating.  This happened after work.  I remember that I had the discipline to stick to a diet when I had a personal trainer.  Unfortunately, I had a bad personal trainer who did not really understand dieting.  His research was poor and mine may also be.  This is why I should read many books.

I am thrown off schedule by my work.  Right now it feels like an impossible dream to move out and be financially independent.  How am I supposed to get the money?  Hopefully the life purpose course will help.  If I moved out and were able to travel more frequently, I would make healthy eating a much easier habit.  Provided I can afford it, I do not want to put my money on junk food that will not full me up.  You may doubt me, but I think I could do it.

One thing Peterson has right is that our society is breeding hermits and manchildren.  I am a hermit right now, and I need to rise above where I currently stand. It is hard to actually change this phenomenon.  I think I am making it harder for myself.  If I stop that, everything can become clear.  I may not want everything to become clear of it scares me, but fear is temporary and the results are too much to pass up.  If there is any fear causing me to cloud my own mind, it is time to move beyond this.

I need to work at 6 a.m. Tomorrow.  Good night and good luck.  Remember, you are far smarter than you present yourself as to yourself and you are far more capable than you think.  Actualization of this potential is my desire to live the best life possible.

[trenton]

August 9, 2020

First I had to wake up 5:10.  I went into work at 6 a.m.  It was only a five hour day, and I did not get to eat much for breakfast.  I had one break with an apple, banana, and some crackers.  I still was not very filled, but it was enough energy for me to almost struggle by the end of the day.

My grandma have me a ride home.  She said that we were going out to the restaurant we went to the other week.  We were going to be a couple of hours first.  I tried to get a snack before I left home, but my sister was annoyed by this.  My younger sister went last time, but my older sister did not realize that there was a very long wait before we could finally eat.  I decided not to make a bowl of cereal to hold me over because everybody was about to walk out the door.  My sister later learned that she assumed my motives and intentions were different from what they actually were. She admits this mistake so I am not really mad at her for it.  I was not really mad at her anyway, but I think this is minor progress.

The thing I hate about this restaurant is the tiny portions.  Last time I got a brunch meal and they gave me half a bagel.  This didn't fill me up at all.  I was very disappointed in the meal.  This time I ordered the signature burger.  This restaurant has a huge burger for two dollars more than what I got the other time.  I love these kinds of burgers and all of the different signature styles of different restaurants.  This one was good and filling, but the entire sandwich fell apart because I but into the egg yolk in the middle of the burger.  The bun for soggy and fire to shreds.  I managed to eat this without a fork and knife, but my grandma could not keep the burger together.  I had experience with these massive burgers because I normally try the signature burger of every restaurant. 

My older sister was still disappointed in the tiny portions in the fruit mix she had on the side.  They said it had blueberries in it, but when I looked in the side dish, there were 4 blueberries.  I am annoyed with how this restaurant skimps, and it would otherwise be so much more enjoyable.  At least the alcohol mellowed me out and made me relaxed.  These drinks were better than a lot of other disgusting drinks I tried.

The musician there made the restaurant experience better.  He sang many old songs including the sound of silence.  My family discussed having somebody else pay for different restaurants every several weeks in Sunday.  They explained that they enjoyed the family bonding, but I was trying to act stingy again.  This mask is very inauthentic and my family knows it.  I have paid for several gifts in the past and I suffer a lot more than I need to through this excessive attachment to money.  When my family was not looking I backed up and put a dollar in the bucket by the musician.  I turned around and the musician smiled and nodded as if to say thank you.  He sat right behind me and saw this whole family argument in front of him, but he did not interfere.  He was a very talented musician and I wanted to acknowledge his skills.

This is like a priest who tells everybody to donate to charity, yet he flies around in a private jet.  Similarly, I act as if I am incredibly stingy, but my dark side is that I secretly donate money to people in need.  I also vote to raise taxes when it will be used to help those in need.  Finally, I value an expanded circle of concern.  Instead of voting for what is best for me, I would rather vote for what is best for my country or even the world or universe.  My family wants me to vote in my best interest like most Americans do, but I disagree with this voting philosophy.  One part of voting philosophy which is unclear is balancing what is good for the nation with being realistic.  For example, I would love if Sanders could win, but realistically Joe Biden is the only lesser evil compared to Trump with real winning chances.  I am not sure where to strike this balance.

I told my family about spiral dynamics on the way home.  They asked me if I diagnosed myself.  I told them I was a greenish yellow, but I think I might be more of a orangish yellow with a little bit of green.  It is hard for me to tell because I have qualities of every stage.  Meanwhile, it is just a model and I don't need to split hairs trying to be perfect with this assessment.  I explained that Nanny appears to have rejected the model because of what Leo said about stage red.  Nanny is a huge Trump can and she can not be convinced otherwise.  My sisters interpreted this As Trump is bad, but I tried to explain "underdeveloped."  They were shocked to realize that Trump is red and Hitler is blue.  They thought Trump was as bad as Hitler, but the model suggests that this is not the case.  My younger sister decided to study the model.  When she finishes, Nanny will not be happy with what is coming.

My grandma seemed a little worried because I explained that Hitler was closer to stage blue like religious fundamentalists.  Granny has a literal interpretation of the Bible because her church told her that this is the history of mankind.  I tried to ease her worries by explaining that Hitler is not representative of all stage blue, and some ideologies are much more toxic and harmful than others.  My grandma also recognizes validity in other religions rather than insisting on her interpretation.  She has some qualities outside of stage blue and she is much more open minded than my racist grandma.

Finally, I got back home, cut the grass, and watched spiral dynamics stage purple.  I did a little bit of chess homework which I can finish the next day.  I watched a little bit of Dragon ball.

I went to sleep early and woke up very early like 4 in the morning.  I will tell you about what happened next in the future post.

Sweet dreams.

[trenton]

August 10, 2020

Early morning bat shit crazy nightmare in which I was awake.  An alternative reality and state of consciousness.

A few days ago I listened to some scary stories about sleep paralysis.  I waited until day to listen because my intuition told me that if I listened to it, a terrifying experience would happen to me.  This gets interesting.

I woke up in bed.  I looked around my room.  Everything was in place.  My chair, my bed, my dresser, my electronics, and the layout of the room.  Even my fan was still blowing.  I was awake, but I could not move my body.  I was aware of everything around me though.

I then started to hear crazy demonic laughter that sounded like a mix between a clown and baby.  It was high pitched and sounded like a maniac.  I introspected for a moment to see if that was in my head.  The laughing continued and I could not stop it.  It sounded like it was coming from my right in the air above me.  It sounded completely real.

I tried kicking, but my legs would not move.  I tried punching, but my arms would not move.  I managed to squeeze my eyes shut as I tried rocking my body back and forth.  I did not have enough strength in my spine to move my entire body.  I kept my eyes shut as the laughing continued.

I continued trying to move, but I could feel somebody grabbing my arms as I tried to move.  The laughing sounded like it was loud and in front of me.  My arms started shaking as I tried with all of might go move.  Eventually, it all stopped and the laughing was gone.  I opened my eyes and was about to fall back asleep, but decided to stay awake to make sure the nightmare does not continue.  After the fact I realized that I was terrified during the episode, but at the same time it is awesome to see what consciousness is capable of. 

Now I have a better idea of what it is like to experience sleep paralysis which is awesome and terrifying.  Maybe I can be a little more brave because of this exposure when I get scared in real life.  We never fully experience a scary story unless we have a reference point kind of like a mystical experience. 

I had other scary things that happened like a similar episode of sleep paralysis before I learned about it.  There was also the time I thought a man was sleeping in my bed and I needed my mom to lift the covers to reveal that nobody was there.  In order to love and appreciate scary stories, you need a reference point.  Not that I wish harm upon you, but if your curious, consciousness is capable of this.

[trenton]

August 10, 2020

I did not do much today.  I ate a lot more than usual in the morning because of the irregular sleep.  I would love to get it normal again, but I had a night shift this time and it is followed by a morning shift.  I did not get a chance to accomplish much other than a little bit of chess homework which I can knock out entirely in the next three days.

I was hungry throughout the day because night shifts prevent me from eating dinner.  In this 8 hour day I told the truth about how I feel to people.  I told them that I find it hard to get a different job.  I also feel that my life is much more valuable than how I am spending it right now.  I feel like it is hard to do anything else and I feel stuck.  The other employee thought that this was deep.  I naturally compared the value of our lives to what we do with it and this seemed to resonate with her.  Maybe she will contemplate this and ultimately improve from where she is.  She is even older than me and has been stuck here for years.  Another lady is a victim of terrible circumstances including loan sharks that she is working to pay off forever.  I am too valuable to do this to myself, which is why I must educate myself and seek a powerful life purpose and fulfill it.

Finally I got home and it is time for bed.  I love you.  I don't need to feel fake when saying that.  I will always love you as I remember where that is in my subconscious.

[trenton]

August 11-12 2020

Yesterday I worked from 10-5 so it took up most of the day.  My productivity seems to be low again because I am not having fun with chess.  I did finish the reading part of the homework and I can do the remaining exercises tomorrow morning.  I am not as focused unless I'm interested and have a clear goal to be achieved by doing all of this.  I am close to the life purpose course now and I will need to tell my coach about what is weighing on my mind so much.

I listened to parts of an audio book that is not recommended by Leo.  It is about emotional intelligence.  My emotional intelligence is apparently pretty low.  This makes sense because I am socially awkward and I can aim to make that better.  The truth is that I don't express myself well because I don't want people to know about all the craziness that goes through my head.  I think I will make the situations worse so I normally stay quiet, but there are serious advantages to talking more that I cannot ignore.  I am so afraid of the consequences that it is stunting my growth.  I feel like I have to be brutally honest for people to understand me and it feels scary.  I noticed some lies and defense mechanisms when I described what they were like.

I noticed that I assume the worse to lessen the blow in case I fail.  This leads to me assuming I am bad, wrong, full of shit, stupid ect.  None of this is true and I am just making myself that way when I could be totally right.  I would like to explain these mental gymnastics to other people do they can see my neuroticism and its source so I can grow much more.  I am very limited in telling the truth only to myself.  I can at least start with reporting the facts.

Earlier today I went on a hike.  It was an unusual, but not very fun experience.  I ran out of water and had no toilets to speak of.  I also slipped in a creek which had nothing really to see in the area.  It was shallow and the trails were slippery.  I couldn't find a cool place to meditate though, so I will just have to stick to the benches on the empty running trail before the forest trails.  It is so long a walk to get to the walking trail, that I don't think it was worth it.  At least I did something different though.

I also need to acknowledge how much autism seems to affect My behavior.  It might explain why my brain fires the way it does and why I act the way I do when listening to music.  It also explains how I am socially awkward, but I can learn and develop a higher EQ.  It also leads to pacing back and forth which is why I am out running so much.

I listed out a lot of my problems.  Most of them are temporary and easy to overcome.  Most of them will be gone within a few months after I do the life purpose course.  I will be off of chess and on the course very soon.  Maybe I could take a break from my blog since I will be focusing my efforts on the life purpose course.  If I self have some self reflection I might add it. 

First things first, I have one final session to get through.  I want to make it worth my time and money.  Maybe I will continue with this coach, but more likely I will try other coaches after my course.

My wish for you is to have a clarity of mind, purpose, and self.  I don't want you to be at war with yourself constantly.  I cry a little when I say that.  I think it is possible for me to stop this inner fighting and accept the nothing left behind.  This is when I feel I can say "I love you" and mean it.

Edited August 14, 2020 by trenton
Wrong date

[trenton]

August 13, 2020

I finished the last of my required chess homework for a long time.  I might finish the final assignment my coach gives me just to finish it, but other than that I have one final session starting tomorrow.  I told him that I will be going to career counseling and I may have to go back to college because I am not happy with my job at the grocery store.  I lost interest in chess and it isn't as fun as it used to be. 

My coach told me that if My life is not centered than it can take the fun out hobbies like chess.  He said that I.have a very analytical mind and I would probably be able to something like IT.  I remember I tried this before.  I was not thrilled about the programming part.  Leo said that he learned to deal with the programming if he had fun with video games.  I notice that I still feel something was lost because I am not playing video games as much, and it is possible that making video games would be worth it.  As I take the life purpose course I will see what the best thing I can find is.

I may also take a break from the journal and start a new one in the form of a post life purpose course.  This way I will not seem as aimless as I normally do in these journal entries.  I wonder what I will be.  In the mean time I will be stepping up the audio books because I would have less time taken by chess.  I think I should also leave chessable because I am not gaining anything from it at all.  The only way to get anything is to pay for a course if I want to learn something substantial.  Otherwise, I am getting almost nothing and it adds an additional layer of stress for me.  I want to cut this out.

I used to think my life purpose was to be a chess master.  Then I started thinking politician, which is why I think about these issues so much.  I became more split and my mind pulled in more directions.  I tried to get something special out of college, but for nothing.  I later thought several other things until I created a downward spiral of confusion and feeling lost.  I now think the truth is important and might be a good life purpose.  In order to find what is best for me, I may need to start from scratch and discover the one thing or direction so can build my life around.

I tried a few chess games and I had many losses.  My rank is starting to drop because so many of my wins keep getting thrown away.  I am not having fun anymore and will need to come back later.  I refused to leave in the past because I was afraid of losing interest in something I used to enjoy.  This felt depressing and like a waste of time, but my resistance has made me a little bit better at chess and no closer to a clear life purpose.

I am ready for a life purpose.  I am ready for self actualization.  I am ready for my book and more reading.  Approach life with a fiery passion and it will immediately get better across the board.  Good luck and I love you.

[trenton]

August 14, 2020

Tomorrow I work 6 in the morning to 10.  I need to get to bed soon.  I finished my last chess session and after work I plan to purchase the life course.  This will help me solve a large chunk of my problems once I can get my life on a focused course

The fun in chess might come back if I don't have other major problems in the background.  I have been doing just a little bit of chess lessons, but I don't have to do a ton.  I will just watch more improve my chess lessons from time to time. I managed to keep myself off of chessable for one day.  It is hard to resist, but the reason I am quitting is because it is addicting.  It is like the nonogram game.  I feel like I am just playing it for daily rubies, and I am learning much less than I would if I bought actual courses.  I don't need the streak of I want to come back and play the paid courses.  I need to resist it for one more day to kill my streak.  I would feel more free without the added stress of keeping the daily bonus.  I can pull this off pretty easily.

In the session itself my coach was happy with how I did the homework.  I found many different plans for the exercises.  We then focused on the concept of exchanging and recognizing when it is good for us.  There were some interesting maneuvers I needed to find in order to remove my opponent's strong pieces.

I did a lot of nothing for most of the day.  I tried meditation with a little more focus since I was not on electronics.  I feel less focused by being on this tablet to type all of this.  I also wanted to listen to more of the audio books and I planned on combining that with walking.  My phone cut out and started being completely stupid with my data not working.  I had to go back home and restart the phone.  By the time I finished it started raining.

Meanwhile, my sister foiled my plans by arguing that I don't pay enough attention to my surroundings to walk with an audio book.  She argued that serial killers will mug me if I try that.  I tried the bike instead and I don't like the bike because it makes my knees feel weird.  I am going to end up walking with the audio book.  I am bothered too much otherwise and there is too much to gain from this combination.  I know she loves me, but it comes in the form of getting in my way.

Instead we watched a movie about magic tricks.  It was on Disney plus and came out a couple of days ago.  It was a nice movie about a boy overcoming his stage fright.  Everybody seemed to have their own character development.

Good night and your plan is about to be on its way.  I might just finish off the last handful of exercises so I don't forget.  I feel much more peaceful now and I can start building my vision.  Good luck and I love you.  I also love your sister.

[trenton]

August 15, 2020

Today I had an early shift 6am-10.  I did not do much there, but my manager has never stopped reminding me about how shy I am with the customers.  I feel like I am not suited for this customer service and the grocery store is just a source of income to me.  I never get a chance to use my creative abilities and my complaints seldom change anything. I am optimistic about my abilities to change this situation.  I will keep chess jobs as an option for more fun jobs, although I get paid less.

I don't really have any significant incentives at Kroger and there are so many other things I could be doing with my life.  After work my grandma told me about a trip to see some sunflowers.  As I waited I started tying up loose ends by finishing more chess exercises.  I am becoming very productive because of my sense of purpose.  I still have about several chess lessons from my other courses to finish so I can lay it all to rest.  My heart wants to do the life purpose course, but there is some fear holding me back and making me hesitate.  I feel like a lot is about to change in the coming months and I need to be ready.  I will not let this fear get the better of me and it is only a matter of time, and not that much time.  Granny mentioned buying the course next week, but I don't want to keep kicking the can down the road.

I will be quick to crush many small tasks, but I will not let my mind trick me into thinking I have done the bulk of the work.  For example, I am listening to audio books, but if I really want to improve my relationship with my family, I just spend time with them.  I must also learn to be less fearful of the consequences of the social interactions because this fear will paralyze me and me awkward.  I will give more Love to those my family and receive what they give to me as well.

I decided to go with my family to the sunflower field.  We don't normally do this, so I did not pass the opportunity to spend time with them.  I did not talk much except to an artist who was designing some cloth with the sunflower patterns.  After exploring the field I complimented her work and told her that it will look better in her house than what she buys at goodwill.  She also has pride because she made it herself.

On the way to and from the field I listened to audio books.  I learn a lot from these books and I have way too much to gain to pass up the opportunity to listen to them.  I wish I had been doing this for years already.  When walking I just need to stay away from busy areas and I prefer quiet neighborhoods away from loud dogs and cars.  The value of my walking is so much higher than it previously was, but it is critical that watch especially carefully for cars which I do.  My mind also slows down so much and listens to what is coming in.  I feel much more passionate about life.  One thing I pay attention to is if I feel like I am believing my thoughts and mind.  I may need to ask about finding a balance for this and what it means.  The effect of has on me tends to be neurotic and painful with no obvious gain for the discomfort caused and it is constant.  My thoughts are true enough to say in the moment and not really lies.

My cousin was loud and it was a temporary annoyance.  I had to turn my headphones loud while in the car, but I prefer to keep them loud enough for me to hear rather than drown everyone else out.  I listened to about 4 hours worth of these books in total today and this is a habit worth keeping.

Finally, I decided to quit chessable.  I was sent an email in which the website encouraged me to keep my streak.  I felt an urge to go back to my previous pattern, so I stopped and contemplated the decision with a pen and paper.  I decided that I was just doing this to keep a streak and I was not really gaining anything.  In order to make my leave more complete, I would need to give away all of my rubies.  These are worth real money and take a long time to save up.  I decided that if there was real value in that site, then I will start from scratch and do what ever paid courses I thought was best.  I will not restore my steak with rubies unless I pay to.  If I pay to, I will get addicted again and it may be even harder to break.

I explained my decision to the forum.  They completely understood my decision and were happy that I was doing what was best for my life.  They encouraged me to continue with this decision and I saw that they needed the rubies way more than I did.  Some wanted to restore their streaks  or buy more courses.  I did not need the rubies and I feel very happy giving it away and making others happy.  This makes it worth saving the streak after all this time.  This is way more fulfilling than getting points and badges and streaks. 

I will continue to listen to my heart and follow my deepest wishes.  One thing I am doing that bothers me is tying up loose ends to leave nothing undone.  It won't take more than a week to do this.  I am also hesitating because of I add the life purpose course in addition to everything else I am finishing, it could overwhelm me in terms of how much I am learning.  Several of my goals are about to be met and with just a couple of days off, I can be on my way to discovering my full greatness by overcoming my fear of the transformation coming my way.

Live a passionate life and love will not be so difficult for you.

[trenton]

August 16, 2020

Today I am discovering that I must constantly feed my passion for life.  I feel that I have strayed today and if I maximize my efforts I will be far happier than I am becoming.  I am going on a wrong direction.

I worked in the middle of the day, and in the morning I finished a few chess lessons that I have not yet touched of my paid courses.  My mind is paralyzing itself with thighs that feel productive and have some value, but this value is relative to chess and not my deepest possible purpose.  For now my mission is to get in touch with it and to not be afraid of disciplining myself into loving myself more and acting on my heart's desire.

I am continuing to learn from my books.  It is very helpful, but I must remember that it is not my deepest purpose.  Books are a convenience to help me achieve full self understanding.  Books are my tools, not my purpose.  I nevertheless am expressing what I learned from the books in how I am thinking.  This is why I value the books I am reading or listening to do much.  They are a helpful source of growth, but hearsay nonetheless.

I am continuing to give away everything on chessable.  So far I am given away nearly half of my rubies and many people are still amazed by what they are seeing.  They are still coming in and asking.  They think that this is an epic way to leave the site. 

One of the guys on the forum asked me about a difficult personal situation.  I told him that I am a stranger attempting to answer a very personal question.  I warned him not to trust people so easily on the internet.  My instinct is still to help people in anyway that I can.  I feel a little bit passion for life is lost in the process.  This is what I did for the schizophrenic man.  When I bend over backwards to help other people live a better life, I am killing my own dreams.  Anyway, I think I gave him some valuable information.  I hope it helped him. 

He messaged back as I was typing that.  He said that my advice is like a Caro-Kann.  He thinks it is ultra solid and he could engine check it to make sure.  I won't type the whole thing here again, but I am glad that he found it useful.  He thinks I am a cool dude like many people do when I communicate my complex thoughts to them on the internet.  I find it nice that people find my messages useful and helpful.

If I am to love myself more then I need to not allow my purpose to be subordinated to others.  Other people are not my purpose.  If I were a little more selfish, I would act on the impulse to make my life amazing.  If I do, it will make more loving.  I will be able to give even more to the world so I can help people even more.  I do not need to be attached to other people or make them the main source of my meaning.  I am the source of my meaning and joy in life.  I can give up what I have for others now to build myself into an even greater gift for the universe.

I need to contemplate the meaning I attach to other people.  It hurts me in some way and I can heal from this misaligned value system.  My highest form of love seems scary to me now because I don't know my true nature and everything I am capable of.  If must love myself enough to be willing to discover it.

[trenton]

August 17, 2020

Today I needed to work from 11-7.  I am going to Nanny's tomorrow as well, and I have the set day to start the life purpose course.  If I do not monitor myself, days will become weeks, and weeks will become months, and months will become years.

Early in the day I took my chance to listen to audio books and I found more useful information for emotional management.  School would never teach me this and I must discover these things through my own self observation.  I must also hone my own curiosity and study many audio books.  They affect how I think and if you are not doing it, you should try it.  One day I will quickly understand the world from many perspectives, and I will become a more nuanced thinker.  There are so many things I have yet to learn.

While at work I ran into the same problems as usual.  I am not engaged with my work and I don't interact with the customers enough for the manager to be happy.  I am an introvert with many racing thoughts.  I am often distant from my direct experience as I identify with a version of myself which does not represent how I act.  I will monitor this as I learn what it means to be present from another spiritual teacher.

After work I decided not to waste time on the tablet because there are so many other things I could do.  Tomorrow I will finish giving away all of the rubies on chessable where I have about 400 left still.  I will wait until after I get back home to finish the job before announcing I am out of rubies and I will remove the site from my history.

After giving away more rubies, I nearly went back to my habit of watching YouTube.  I felt that there were a million more valuable things I could be doing over watching cartoons and low brow humor.  I decided to continue the abortion essay which I restarted in order to make much better and more honest.  I feel like the new essay more accurately reflects my true intention by explaining how I suffered and how I grew.  I also decided to make it an essay about ideology and personal development, but I chose abortion as an example of people becoming ideological because of their limited development.  I typed about 5 pages and I can finish about another third of it tomorrow morning.

I am glad to see you becoming more productive and making contributions to the world no matter how small they seem now.  You are making people's lives better by being honest about yourself.  The more honest I can be, the more fulfilling my life can be as I become in touch with my purpose.  My purpose is to accept myself and love myself unconditionally, and this solved many problems already with my emotions and self judgement.

[trenton]

August 18, 2020

Today I had plans to visit my grandma and I still have my off day on Thursday to get started on the life purpose course.  I will never let weeks become months or I will kill my own joy and motivation. 

As I waited for my grandma to get off of work I continued studying some audio books and I found some useful meditation exercises.  They help me to more present and connected to the world around me.  The reason I am stuck in my head is because of verbal abuse by other people.  I felt less interested in listening to them as my reaction because I was constantly under attack no matter how I behaved at school.  This was abuse from the teachers, not just students.  I then felt that I was safe in my thoughts because they are do want from other people.  This felt harmful to me as I did it because I cut myself off from the rest of the world and I have a hard time opening my heart as it was when I was a child.  The possibility that people will hurt me makes me isolate myself in my awareness, my mind, and my heart.

I continued with my essay on ideology and it started getting long.  I may need to cut out the second half of the story I originally planned just to make it simple.  If it flies over too many people's heads of will not really raise the consciousness of mankind.

My sister showed up late to go to Kentucky.  I think she takes after her mother who is always late, whereas I am always early because I want to be a good employee or I don't want to miss a deadline.  My sister was in a foul mood and she did not want to go to Kentucky today.  She drove sloppily and cussed at all the drivers.  Finally, she hit a curb and I tried to lighten her mood by saying "that curb deserved it.". She agreed and complained about how the curb gets to occupy land without paying taxes.  Then it grows grass on top of it because it is just gonna take all of its lackies in.

 Jordan went into mom's house and discussed what we were going to do about going to Kentucky.  Jordan finally decided that she would drive me over and mom would pick me up.  I save a lot of money on not paying for a car, but it is a little annoying for other people.  I have a licence and driving makes me more alert, so it might be good for my development.  Money is my primary concern though.  I view the car as a major leak unless I have money to be made from the car.  If I had this opportunity, it would sway me toward driving, but for now I can manage walking just enough to avoid the payments.  I feel bad when I think of this.

Jordan drove fast during the trip and I was a little nervous.  I used the GPS to help guide her, but occasionally she had to slam the breaks to avoid an accident.  She wanted to listen to music but her phone was dying.  I turned one calming music with pianos.  Toward the end I put on Zen master diary which may be too relaxing for driving so that might be dangerous.  In the end we made it in one piece.

Jordan never watched spiral dynamics.  She said that it is too long and boring so she wanted a short 10 minute version.  I tried explaining the value of this self education, but to no avail.  Jordan tried to go home immediately, but grandma called her back to eat dinner before she goes home.  Jordan changed her mind and stayed a while longer.

While we were there I tried explaining what happened on chessable, but it was such a long story, that I decided to just show the writing.  Nanny laughed at my initial message, but refused to read the rest because it was too long.  I communicate better with other people when writing because I can go into detail about complicated thoughts.  Most people refuse to read because of it.  I read the message to my sister quickly, but she said she got the gist of it.

After Jordan left I spent most of the time doing meditation exercises in the almost quiet house except my grandma kept calling me.  I learned that it is possible to feel the space around you and sense movement without seeing it.  It is like ripples flowing through water.  I managed to detect some movement of my grandma, but I could not detect the cats quietly crawling passed me.  I finished most of the book and spent the rest of the time petting shady and playing star wars.  I cut back on video games and YouTube because there is far more value in audio books.  I decided to finish the rest of the book on the way home.

Shady was very happy to be met because nobody has let her since dad died and he was her owner.  I got cat hair all over me and a couple of marks from Love bites.  I only did a few of levels in star wars, but it is interesting to note that I exploited a glitch with the A.I. In order to kill count dooku with one ordinary soldier.  I thought that I would not stand a chance and the computer never used a hero bonus against me.  When I used a hero bonus, I completely crushed the enemy on tatooine with darth maul.  The clones did not stand a chance.  This time I stood out of range of Dooku's lightning attack and just shot at him like any enemy.  The lightning could not reach me and I was shocked that I just killed him so easily.  All he had to do was charge at me and throw his light saber.

On the ride home I listened to the rest of my book with head phones in.  I sensed that it was getting very sexual and intimate, and I did not want my mom to hear what I was listening to.  The recording repeated "I want you my bitch.".  My mom never studied shadow work, enlightenment, and spirituality, so I felt that she would not get it.   I did get benefits from the book though, and I am glad I learned.

when I got home I needed to sleep immediately because I thought I had work 7 a.m.

Keep learning and keep growing.

[trenton]

August 19, 2020

For the start of the day I finished my essay on ideology, but it needs some editing so I can get the main point across without claims too radical for people to be open minded.  This would be leading from too high up the spiral and people would not understand me.  It would be like my writing is so complicated that people don't want to read it.  If people just say your smarter than me and I don't get it, there is little it will do to raise the consciousness of mankind.

I then felt myself getting complacent with few goals.  I had finished another audio book and I started sitting down on YouTube again.  I felt like this just was not right and I could not continue.  This is how I was when I first got out of college with no real direction.  Rather than repeat this I tried to continue st something with the essay, but I was not good at editing and I think I made it worse so I stopped.  I also tried writing down a list of goals.  I now felt overwhelmed and paralyzed by fear because the goals were tall orders and very intimidating.

I then tried reading the enlightenment book, but I did not account for the exercises I would have to do to finish the book in a week.  I could do it if I just read, but I have a lot of contemplation that I need to do If I want to do the book properly.  I also start the life purpose course Thursday.

Finally, I needed to work 7 at night until 11 so it was an awkward time for typing on the blog.  I noticed my dear of groundlessness and meaninglessness come up again so I decided to self reflect on order to find what needs to be done about this returning fear.  I meditated for a little bit before going to bed.

I will not live in fear of my destruction.  I will overcome this and learn acceptance on deeper levels.

[trenton]

August 20, 2020

Today I finally did it.  I started the life purpose course.  I think I will be fine typing on this, but I do not need to hold it very high.  If it is like chessable, it turns into a time sink if I am not really helping myself.  I will need to contemplate this activity I am doing right now to determine how helpful it is.  Maybe it is helpful because it constantly reminds me of personal development and self actualization.

I also managed to finish giving away all of my rubies.  The people in the site seem very happy with my decision and they support my search for my life purpose.  I wish them good luck in continuing chess and learning.  Chess bothers me a little in that it is very narrow for a life purpose, and therefore can't be the middle.  I also realize that it reinforced my identity as the mind which might be cool to transcend.  Sometimes I blow myself away with what I write even though it is not a common way of thinking.

I did more meditation on my day off in the backyard.  I am happy for only working part time because it lets me work on all of this stuff.  The life purpose course might help me find a better job which is why my intuition tells me that I should get a car because it probably will not be within walking distance.  I live with my grandma still, but this is temporary as is my dependence on people driving me around.

I noticed that it is easy for me to focus on things that I am interested in.  When I am not interested I do not focus or listen.  This is my greatest strength and weakness because I can seriously commit to a goal and master it if I truly want to.  I become mediocre in things I don't care about and I just don't do As well.  I need to make sure this does not hurt me in key situations while capitalizing on one of my greatest strength.

I also noticed that I automatically started thinking more positive thoughts.  I did not force myself to.  I just put my awareness on how the negative thoughts drain me and are counter productive.  I had some very unusual things written in self reflection given how I typically think.  I don't want to get sucked into the vortex and downward spiral.

Politics bubbled up again and the thing that bothers me about it is that it is riddled with competing ideologies.  I would like to subordinate the least productive thoughts to my life purpose.  Maybe I will pick it up again later when I'm done aligning myself with my life purpose.  Maybe I will stay away from politics because I feel dirty when promoting an ideology as if it is true.

FInally, I the minor annoyances of walking with audio books started to discourage me.  I am not as focused on them especially when they get complicated.  Instead I go to the park to work out a little and meditate at home.  If I am not meditating, working out, studying the course, or taking a break with music, then I will listen to audio books.  The ones I like most are the books which point to the true nature of being.  It makes me cry, but now I am happy.  I can use audio books to diversify the spiritual teachings.  So far it is working well for me and I am listening to Eckhart Tolle.  He is pretty good so far.

Continue to follow your heart and you will find bliss.

Also don't fear the fluctuations, they are all temporary because of what you do in your spare time.

[trenton]

August 21 -22, 2020

In this day I was busy contemplating whether or not I should keep doing this actualized journal online.  Like chessable it becomes like a chore and I could be spending more time building a vision for my future or finding more self help books which are very helpful.  On the other hand I would be documenting significant changes as they occur.  It would make other people aware of this journey to see if they find something helpful.  Judging by my current behavior I seem to be leaning toward keep it.

I did a ton on my days off.  I stepped up my meditation and contemplated different possible paths I could take on life.  My self reflection became very emotional because I don't wish to be held back by the pleasure I derive from causing my own suffering.  I am doing what ever is needed to do the life purpose course well.

I would also like to inform you that there are some awesome self help I have been reading they are not only helpful for my psychology, but also my physical health.  Some of these books are not from the list, but are still very powerful and they work for me.  I am leery about telling you the name of the book because I don't want my account to get banned after I just purchased the life purpose course.  This account is thus linked to my identity.  Lol.

Practical self help books which don't seem practical to some people make learning a joy.  I wish that young children were able to understand how much better their lives could be and how much suffering can be avoided if they realize how limited our education in our culture is.  It may be hard to do, but if children did this it would correct the problem of undereducated Americans electing politicians among the countless other benefits of education.  It would literally save people from deaths linked to ideological wars.

I have recently been experiencing a lot more joy and peace because I am more connected to the present.  There are occasional thoughts that come up, but my racing thoughts have really slowed down.  This can help me sleep and be joyful without needing to drag myself to insanity.  This caused so many life problems, but then they just disappear.

Keep up what your doing.

[trenton]

August 22, 2020

I had an irregular sleep pattern.  Part of it may be caused by using this tablet toward the end of the night before bed.  I need to spend more time contemplating whether or not I should keep using this journal because I am unclear.  I feel like I could go either way.

Anyway, after being tired for much of the day, my cousin came over to visit.  He made so much noise that it can make it hard to stay focused on the life purpose course.  Because of this, I spent more time out on walks and at the park listening to Eckhart Tolle.  He talks a lot about being present and the vibe left behind helps me to calm my racing thoughts.  It helps a lot of my anxiety as I put a lot of effort into self reflection today.  I labeled many spiritual beliefs beliefs because my mind tries to twist them in order to backwards rationalize something that is harmful to me anyway.  This harm creates an addicting sense of identity that has caused me so much suffering that it made me interested in spirituality sense I noticed this "child" which does not really exist and I am giving it power to hurt me out of selfishness.

I spent a lot of time meditating and writing.  I started to notice how deeply unconscious I am of this damaging process that contributes to my sleeping problems and makes me miserable.  Leo said this teacher is misleading because he makes enlightenment seem relaxing, but it is still very helpful to me and I think I will listen to more of his teachings.  Of course that is not to say I should create an identity out of this perspective on spirituality because that does not help me to live by my true greatness.  I can study other spiritual masters as well to see what it is I can find in them.  In my self reflection, I noted my beliefs and how they guided the self reflection.  I noticed that this was part of reinforcing an identity with spiritual beliefs which therefore defeats the purpose which is to eliminate suffering.

I have suffered such an emotional roller coaster, and I am done with creating temporary pleasure with mind attachments in order to poison and harm myself.  Without being the guy who has enlightenment problems, self will will continue to aid me toward the reduction of unnecessary suffering.

Consciousness raised your capacity for love.  Love is another spiritual belief which is why it feels dirty to me when saying it.  With practice your new elevation will make your life much better.

[trenton]

August 23, 2020

Today I feel like it was one thing after another.  I am getting taken aside from the life purpose course through my inability to sit still and focus.  I want to finish the course absolutely because it will change my life.  I lost time to work and getting my time taken by chores as well.  I was unable to calm myself for most of the day even with my attempt to meditate.

My sister is back from our of town and by "she annoys me" I mean she reminds of a quality about myself that I hate and don't accept.  If I want to more effectively focus on the life purpose course I need to be able to be happy without constantly distancing myself of from someone who loves with me.  I have had enough of this and it is time for me to correct what is wrong in terms of what it is I hate about myself that she is pointing out to me.

If I care about truth, then I won't use spirituality to make it look like I care about truth but really i am avoiding what needs to be done.  I know what I just go through for the sake of truth if I cared.  And I don't have to care because it is whether I care or not.  I think enough is enough and this needs to stop.

I also manipulated my family for money and she is doing it to me by nagging me to pay for gifts.  I avoided getting a car and used other people to increase my income at their expense.  I have yet to correct my wrongs even when I talk about them to myself.  If I care about truth or at least my own happiness, I will address these issues.  I must be honest with other people as terrifying as it sounds.  I must be honest with words because they don't want it read through my complicated writing to the point that they don't understand me.  I am impairing my own abilities to communicate with others and be more conscious and in touch with my emotions and my truth. 

With all of these things unaddressed, it is no wonder I turn this site into an ideology and I can't do anything else.  Religion occupies my mind because I can't ride above this so long as spirituality is used to avoid my problems.  If they laugh at me or don't accept me, then I am the way I am anyway.  Again if I seek self mastery then I must go through what is about to come my way.  I can't master my life if I can't speak to the people around me openly and honestly.  I still feel terrified and I am having doubts but I think I can do it.  If I ultimately do nothing, I will be left with the same dysfunctional relationship that I contribute to even if others don't notice how.

I will lose if I look for external sources to solve these concrete issues.  I am the only one who can solve it and I must be willing to face unpleasantness to grow myself.  I have no other choice because the only vehicle for God is to be honest with my family.  Anything else is a tool for devilry and I will contribute to their suffering.  I will never be happy, my consciousness will always spike and plummet, and I will be left running in circles for an experience that can't exist without conquering the false self that I have constructed around this site to avoid my family problems. 

This is also why I read so many books.  I tell myself that I am helping the situation, but really I am always extremely limited so long as my mind refuses to apply anything to the problem at hand.  This leads to intellectual ego because it is my shield for my kids which I have swept under the rug for a long time.  My relationship with my family will only get worse and worse because of what I am doing and there is only one way to solve it.  I have always known what needs to be done and the consequences of avoiding it makes my situation worse.  My unconsciousness is spiraling out of control and it is causing me physical problems with my health and emotions.

I am so full of shit with these practices.  This is why they will never work and they will never produce enlightenment.  For the sake of my sanity and integrity I wish to become stronger.  Right now I feel like I can't and I want to be stronger.  I feel like I don't want to do this, but the truth will not change.

Get your shit together or you will always feel like your full of shit in spirituality.  Only then will you understand love at deeper levels.  The glass ceiling has been hit, make your choice.  I choose consciousness because I will go insane if I continue down this route.

[trenton]

August 24, 2020

Today I worked an 8 hour shift.  I slept a little bit better, but still not very long because I needed to get up early.  I think if I clean the bed sheets more often, I will sleep more easily.

As for my sister, I did not confess to her.  I only spent more time around her.  I did not speak much to her, but I notice how she gives me an impossible problem of love.  If I am not allowed to dislike her or not love her, then I will dislike her.  I will have to tell her how this problem puts me in situations where there are no good answers and it will only make the situation worse.

Instead of confessing after work because my mind told me that I am too tired to deal with all of the consequences of telling her, I listened to Elkhart Tolle again.  I still worked on not identifying with the mind.  I did slightly better because I admitted everything to myself, but I don't think it is quite enough.

I feel like spirituality is a blessing and a curse.  It is so hard to go back to the ordinary way of thinking.  I follow what my interests are and simply continue to observe myself.

I Finally posted another topic in the forum about how to stop limiting myself.  I think this causes suffering because I end up lying in order to maintain an identity as if it were true.

You don't have to love me.

[trenton]

August 25, 2020

I Finally started talking to my family.  I did not confess everything, but I did explain what I was thinking.  It came up that I have a lot of negative thinking.  I paid attention to this and noticed that positive thinking tends to be truer than negative thinking.  This helped me to shift my perspective for the better.  I then proceeded to ask my family for their honest opinion about me.  They did not say much yet, but I think they see something that I don't.  By applying these points of view I can grow myself much more effectively than if I rely only on my own.  This translates into a better family life and makes it easier to grow my consciousness.  I also have less of a reason to avoid my family even though I did not openly admit all the embarrassing stuff.

My shift to being more optimistic than pessimistic made it easier to sleep without melatonin.  This is pretty cool because I notice my mind slowing down a lot, making it easier to stay out of the spirals that lead to suicidal thoughts at the worse.  Negative thinking can be very untrue and leads to a lot of lying.  I should also clean my bed once every one of two weeks because I am so much more comfortable.

For the rest of the day I continued with my books and life purpose course.  I noticed that pessimism breaks the interest I have in many things including chess.  My pessimism is also untrue because it depends on creating a very partial life story that does not focus on anything good.  My life thus becomes a constant struggle to redeem myself which comes from the negative thought that there is something wrong with me.  A truer story is that most of my life was either neutral or good and I got through all the bad in the end.  This is more inspiring for the life purpose course.

You don't have to love me.