The Bag Boy Who Met God: Accepting Responsibility to Live by my Own Greatness

[trenton]

July 20, 2020

Today I am making progress toward making a decent life.  I still did a run and reverted to junk food.  I would like to recommit to health so this does not stick.  People in the phone for the quarantine swayed me to not use the blender.  This is not healthy though.

I listened to twice the amount of the book that I normally would.  I have found a lot of good tips on running a business.  I am still lost in actually starting some kind of business.  If a degree won't help me and I never started a business before and don't speak the jargon it seems daunting to actually get rich.  The author discouraged the pursuit of wealth for the reason that your life will be wasted defending the assets.  In this sense you don't have As much freedom as you might assume.  After acknowledging this doubt I am not scared.  I thought I could finish it today, but I am one hour short.

I feel like it is hard to find something that makes me happy.  Right now I am pursuing achievement.  I am using delegation more effectively to help me so this.  Throughout the course of this journal you have seen me place a lot of talk orders in myself.  I understand that it I pick one direction and commit I can be excellent at it.  A good analogy is the flat hierarchy of 10 goals pulling equally in all directions.  It is much more effective to divide and conquer.  I have a challenge that I am capable of typing half a book in 5 weeks if I do it non-stop as my only goal. 

Once I get some simple goals removed I can commit to one direction very well.  First the book, then I will post-pone new books.  Then I will tackle the simple goals until I reach my best chance of making money.  I feel tempted to start another book because it might have valuable wisdom.  It is hard to resist it.  If I am willing to do all of the chess homework and the essay tomorrow I will start the other book in 1-3 days.  If I can resist for that long, I will have accomplished two small goals to get them off of my plate first.

I'm glad I made the move of starting the essay.  Now that political issue that was nagging my mind quieted down a lot.  This can help me improve focus further.  It now feels unpleasant to do it, but I know it is very short term discomfort now and I can finish it off very soon.  In that process I will spread the word of actualized.org by sighting spiral dynamics in my essay.  This will point people toward conscious politics.  I have a feeling that there are people out there who will benefit from reading that essay.  If they spread the word to friends, it will make the world better.  I just need to remember the few day time frame I am setting right now to knock out two small goals starting with chess.

I am also becoming more conscious of devilry in the form of pendulum swinging.  This takes the truth and reacts to it in the most harmful way possible by over-compensating.  This turns me into my own joke and it is painful.  I don't want to be a joke because I am better than these silly self inflicted wounds.  If I can get this weight off of my shoulders, then I will be moving along more easily.

Two interesting points were learned today.  Men are often conditioned to toughen up in an unhealthy way according to the blog videos.  Second our society is is turning men into hermits who are raised by their parents forever.  I have been feeling that I was the one doing it, but actually there is a whole society of men who lock themselves in their bedrooms for long periods of time.  I am in this society, and In am tasking myself with the goal to rise above all of this.  This can be challenging because I must be better than the lowest standard.  I like understanding that I am not the only one like this and I will not give up on this super objective.

I am glad to have more clarity and self understanding.  I love you.

[trenton]

July 21, 2020

I did a little bit today.  I finished the book about business.  I need to ask someone about how to start the first business.  I never did anything like this and I am lost on options.  I took a lot of notes on the book and it would take forever for me to explain it here.

Self reflection is so helpful for my emotions that I can not say enough about how much it did for me in an hour and filtered through the rest of my life.  I question my dangerous moral assumptions I made when I made people uncomfortable and they called me weird.  Not hurting people should not be turned into an absolute or it will crush you in so many ways.  You will never be happy or satisfied with yourself and nobody else will either.  You will judge yourself constantly and you can't grow as effectively with this weight on you.  I needed to drop some of these assumptions that I did not fully let go of.

As for politics I questioned what it is I want.  Helping people is admirable and sometimes even important, but there is something which concerns me more.  No matter what my worldview is and what my positions are there is a constant self deception at play.  All opinions are untrue in that I made them up.  The way in which I insist that they are true becomes lying because I pretend that that is reality.  This is the problem underlying the abortion issue that bothered me most.  It is not even the issue itself.  It is hard to overcome this deep dishonesty somehow, but the deeper my self reflection the better.

I also remember my assumption that I am in the mind separate from the rest of existence.  This assumption stemmed from the verbal abuse of my teachers where I then felt the desire to ignore them.  This hindered my listening and I felt that I won.  I thought my mind could amuse me forever.  I would randomly laugh at anything in my head because of how disconnected I became with direct experience.  It feels hard for me to let go of this assumption.  This was useful for wasting time when verbally abused, but it carries over into the rest of my life.  How can I overcome this trauma?  I am not clear.  I might need to talk to someone.  This is a bit of a heavy weight that was there since I was in elementary school.  It might be the source of the depressive behavior.  If I could overcome this it would change a lot about me.  This is a task I should put myself to.

I visited my grandmother today to go swimming.  She is still making racist jokes and still thinks BLM is stupid.  I won't change her mind on this, but she studied spiral dynamics.  I hope she better understands them.  There were no long arguments, but I sensed my sister's discomfort with grandma.

I played video games with Charlie before we finally went back home.  My family seems reasonably healthy at the moment.  I would like to share with them my self assessment of past trauma.  I don't think they would get it if I tried to explain self deception to them.  They would want me to overcome this unnecessary weight on my mind though.

Thank you for your work.  I feel better and I am a healthy human being because of this.

[trenton]

July 22-23 2020

For the most part nothing interesting happened and it was all very normal.  I am thinking of going back to listening to books now because I am filling my empty time with Dragon ball again.  In order to learn more useful information I would be better off continuing to read any book at any time provided it has potentially life changing information.

I did some work on my essay, but it needs a lot of work.  I am explaining the implications of relativism and most people would reject the notion of non-duality given their level of development and pre existing beliefs.  It may only get through to a handful of people if I explain how murder and not murder are indistinguishable.

Now for the interesting stuff.

Lately, I have been self reflecting more and more on paper because I find it more helpful than thinking on its own, listening to books, watching videos, or anything else.  This has life transforming stuff that corrects problems which I otherwise would be stuck with.

This gets awesome, but when I realized it shocked me.

I detected that the source of my emotional discomfort was lying.  The lies make me feel angry, threatened and fearful and unfocused.  It becomes a fight or flight response in which I am my own undoing.  It becomes awful when I insist on the lie.

A lie is resistance to who I truly am.  If I say I am religious or not religious either way it becomes a lie.  Similarly, God vs. No God becomes lying.  In a sense I am neither because they are identical which is the same as me being both because they are indistinguishable.

For me I identity was problematic because if I say that I am weird it becomes an identity in which the associated behaviors are deemed acceptable, which thus becomes lying, yet if I say I am not weird then I ignore immutable differences.  In this example I can neither identify as a thing or nor not a thing.  The two are identical because not a thing is a thing which is the thing without identity.

I wrote out a list of things I am not, but I can not identify as that which is not that because that becomes the thing.  In this way I am the no thing but not the identity of no thing.  All identities including race, sex, living being, animal, human, or object are not you which is the same as them being you.  You are that which is not a lie which includes a lie.  You are everywhere and nowhere.

My favorite parts from holy texts are "I have no graven image.". " I fill the heaven and the earth. "

Just remember not to identify as God.  The identity becomes a lie which becomes resistance to the absence of your identity as God which is the same as God.

I was shocked for a bit and has to collect myself.  Self reflection is pretty cool and it changes so much in my life.  By so much I mean all of the needless suffering that I had to endure because I didn't know what to do about it.  This makes life so much better.  I love it.  I love you too.

I hope you find this helpful.

[Pugfishpanda]

I don’t know if this relates at all to what you are saying, but as I read your journal entry I thought about a YouTube video I watched the other day about matter—how scientists say every atom has an antimatter atom.  I guess what I am learning is that limitations (setting boundaries) is a way (or is the way) to know something, and in turn we are then able to have joy/understanding in unlimited freedom. The experience itself gets missed if we think about it too much. 

[trenton]

@Pugfishpanda i liked that last part.  If we are hyper analytical and value thought over emotion we squander our ability to live a fulfilling life.  I did this to myself and I am slowly healing from all of these deeply wired judgements.  I hope more people realize how hyper rationalism leads to lying and eats away at you.  I am the kind of person who thinks a lot and if I overcome this I would become more aligned with direct experience. Over thinking is also an obstacle to life purpose when some articles would say to simply do whatever interests you without thinking about it.

[trenton]

July 24, 2020

I sense that there is a higher level from where I currently am.  One thing that helps to humble me is that I would not be where I am now without the help of other humans.  I also realize that I still have left over psychological problems, life purpose problems, money problems, educational limits, experiential limits, and many more things that enlightenment can't solve completely, but can filter into.

Self reflection is not over and I have to resolve these left over hang ups if I want to live the best life possible.  By eliminating each dysfunction I become better.  I have devised a plan that might help solve a large chunk of the issues I face.  I have a few weeks of chess left before I can start to focus solely on the life purpose course I plan to buy.  I won't be starting college again this fall because the life purpose course might affect that decision.  One of my criticisms about college is that although a degree may be helpful it is not likely to produce financial independence.  I still struggle to find what kind of business I should start and what I should do.  I need to get back to the books so they can filter into my life.

As for my chess lesson, it was very helpful and I think it was the best one yet.  In the past I relied a lot on computer evaluation, but I lacked a practical human understanding and evaluation to guide my decision making in middle game positions.  I asked my coach some questions and he told me how this was one of my weak points that we were working on.  After some practice I did not fall into the trap of assuming the obvious move was the best.  After putting more effort into using my opponent's weaknesses I managed to find a better plan than a grandmaster.  My coach is pleased to see that I am getting better at using a practical human evaluation to guide my thinking process.

For a lot of the day after that I ran through some of the videos on the left leaning channel Leo showed me.  I watched their critics of right wing hosts who deny systemic racism.  These critics highlight their self bias so effectively that it is amazing that I used to think these guys were smart like the other white people who think white privilege is a myth.  I can't really blame them if I was blind to the same thing, but the key difference is that I had an intuition and desire to question my media choice and it's bias.  This open mindedness helped me to see the other perspectives from their perspective rather than through a misleading conservative ideology.  Peterson is still helpful psychological models and theories, but he too is spreading a dangerous political ideology with real and serious limitations. 

I still have more self reflection that can help me to be less corruptable should I get involved in these sorts of matters.  The main goal of politics is to overcome your corruption so that you can help seek out the greatest good for the greatest number.  This way you question your choice of media and the biases in your worldview.  No belief or position is sacred and no ideology should be judged as evil through my ideology because it is partial.  As for those who are stuck in myopic perspectives, I realize they are not evil and this judgement makes no sense.  The greatest good for the greatest number would be to help them to see the limitations of their perspective which they would not do if I called them terrible people for being self biased.  I apply the same thing for people who grew up in a racist family, but it is important that they realize how problematic this world view can be.

Finally, I forgot to shower before bed.  This makes it so much harder to sleep and the melatonin did nothing.  I finally got up from my nap and I am ready to get back to work on self actualization.  Remember your ritual for better sleep and you can have a better life.  Good luck.

[trenton]

July 25-26

Sorry for not posting yesterday.  I got my schedule and realized I work at 6 in the morning so I could not post.  Yesterday I started listening to a book about emotions.  These lessons seem to be the most effective for me and grant me the most immediate benefit.  Nobody demonstrated to me a deeper understanding of emotions yet by observing how I jump from one thing to another you see how much of my life is run by them.  If I listen to a little more each day, this will change my behavior and overall mood considerably.

Today I finished my blindfold chess problems so I can start the next 60.  I also did very well on the garden by severing the massive vine that is chocking the backyard plants.  Granny did not expect me to do As well as I did, and I remembered to mow the lawn after work.

I notice that judging myself for choosing entertainment tends to be ineffective for changing behavior.  Instead I can observe something more interesting.  Any lesson or repeated teaching gives me an identity no matter what it is about.  I would like to see the beauty of nothing in silence.  This would be pretty different from what I normally do.  I have been watching more politics lately, but I have managed to suck out some of the needed wisdom.  Inner peace in silence can become more common by letting this go As well. I may not be ready judging by the emotions I sense right now. 

The reason I focus on inner peace is because our of the philosophies I studied quietism resonated with me most.  When I imagine myself debating people and defending positions I sense the underlying discomfort that I don't really know what is true yet I insist.  I could be contributing to the misguided reasoning of mankind and our confusion.  I can embody this philosophy more effectively than others and it leads me toward an experience you can have.

In the silence I realize that no theory of reality or God is necessary.  I accept that I don't know what is true in my mind which leads me toward direct experience.  Everything looks beautiful when I do this.  I may cry when doing this As I realize that no words are needed, not even "existence" to explain this.  There are no positions or theories in this experience and everything is perfect the way it is.  It is like the emptiness is not within me, but rather everywhere I look and I experience something inexpressible.  Not even the thought of me thinking, experiencing, or seeing is needed.  This could be an understanding of love if embodied which I can do.  This is very effective at erasing suffering caused by self judgment and a lack of self acceptance.

This is propelling me toward letting go of all of my political ideas and simply staying quiet.  I have never been in a position where I would need to explain all of these complicated issues.  In this sense, it is unnecessary for me to build up so many arguments and defenses because my direct experience is beautiful and these things prevent me from realizing it.  I don't really control my thoughts so minimizing judgement helps.  If my mind plays more politics then there is nothing wrong with it, but it is already quieting down.

Love is prior to any word expressing it.

[trenton]

Quietism definitions

calm acceptance of things as they are without attempts to resist or change them.

"political quietism"

(in the Christian faith) devotional contemplation and abandonment of the will as a form of religious mysticism.

[trenton]

July 27, 2020

I would like to type this before leaving for work.  I am back to work again so I am adjusting to the different work times.

For the most part I did nothing when I got back home until I started contemplating what is integration.  This is the key to making my life the best it can possibly be, but it requires a lot of work and mental nuance to apply everything I learned to building the best life possible.

I wrote out a list of how I could integrate the teachings of actualized.org.  There is a wide variety of content, but it is important to admit when some content is not useful to you.  I previously thought that the episode about death was useless because I don't know how to verify that death is absolute love.  This is changing a little bit and it might actually be the case.  I know this because I did a lot of self reflection that caused my previous hang ups to burn away.  In my experience of Love and healing, I changed considerably and it is like the former self is no more.

I had an entire page about how to integrate God.  This is very broad but becomes very concrete.  The list had 25 items.  A few of them were 100% self honesty, 100% responsibility, non-judgement, self love, and many others.  I need to face my fears and tell people what I actually think.  If I need to adjust I will change according to my degree of consciousness which can be raised as high as possible.  There are probably things I did not remember to write down.

I am considering buying the life purpose course even sooner than anticipated.  I feel like I waste time too easily unless I have a mission.  I can make it my mission to finish my next book and chess homework.  When I do I will eventually have a break from coaching for the course unless I manage to start the course early.  Maybe it is better that I wait to ensure that I am not to split up in so many directions.

Raise your consciousness and raise your capacity for love.

[trenton]

July 28, 2020

I am beginning to wonder, if I replaced my addiction with writing, how much better would my life be?  I am about to try an experiment in which I spend any time on the internet writing.  I think this is where the most valuable wisdom comes from, and it is necessary to help me live by the inner peace left behind when I sit in silence.  It feels boring which is why I have a hard time doing it and I am so tempted to get back on videos.

I started my day with an morning meditation.  This gave me some clarity of mind for the first chunk of the day, but it dropped when I was back at work.  I notice that my mind jumps to politics and religion whenever I go back to work.  I will spend time writing to contemplate why this is.  I have an off day to do it tomorrow.  I feel dirty and untruthful when my mind tells me the same things over and over when I doubt they are even true. 

I remember that a while back I set my intention to have my mind solve something while I am doing grinding work.  This is why I spent time thinking of how to debate somebody with a closed mind.  This leads to do many rationalizations and I think it makes my work a little more stressful.  In fact it could be keeping me stuck in work because my awareness is not on how bad I have it and how good I could have it.  If I refocus my mind on direct experience rather than concept and imagination, I can keep emotional control and potentially build a better life than what I have. 

I really am getting antsy to take that life purpose course.  My sisters are naysayers and Jeremiahs who think Leo will just say follow your passion and the law of attraction and your dreams come true.  They never even say down to watch a single video and I can't convince them to.  How would I convince the most close minded people in the world of I can't convince my family that there is value in this.  I can only show them results, no words will do for them.  The only result I gave them is that my grandma is slightly more open minded but still racist.  I can't get anything there.  Concretely, I did not do much for my family.  I hope the life purpose course can help me out with this.  Otherwise, most of my efforts to build a more functional relationship with my family will fail.

On an individual level I put effort into forgiving them for the past trauma.  I struggle to trust my mother because she stole my money several times over the course of several years while lying the whole time and blowing money on drugs which she lied about.  She would probably lie to me again, so it is hard for me to forgive her totally.  My sister is getting better.  I can let go of any remaining trauma because we both have a better understanding of each other now and our behavior changed.  Ultimately I still love my mom no matter what I say or feel because I otherwise would not be putting in effort into encouraging the family to seek counselling.  I think she is not on drugs anymore.

Tomorrow morning I will write a game plan and go for it.  This is a chance to be a high performer especially on days off.  Stop numbing your mind and sharpen the saw!

[trenton]

July 29, 2020

I started off today by running through more Dragon ball videos.  I think this is the last time I will do it before more comfortably letting go.  I started hitting not interested because I ran through 20 episodes.  I felt that I would not be able to force myself to stop, but with a little bit of contemplation I realized that I never watch a show twice because it is not quite as good anymore.  That said if I ran through the rest, I would eventually tire and move on. 

My focus on everything else was weakened but I was hyped.  I was amazed by the epic battles which I would normally judge myself for because I am not doing anything huge.  It seems that I am wasting my life.  Once I got to the end of it I finally stopped watching more episodes.  If the Moro manga continues maybe I will follow it, maybe not.  At least I can get better at other tasks now.

Finally, I got to work on contemplation and realized the reason why I imagine myself as a politician so much.  I feel that if I had such a responsibility, I would want to do it well.  I would be empowered to overcome absolutely any internal struggle.  What I needed to realize is that I was already capable of this, and this creates a charged life.  I am capable of finding a way to live the best life possible and I can make a meaningful contribution.  This had an impact for the rest of the day.

I continued more chess homework, but stumbled on some of the hard puzzles.  I also realized that I don't even like ice cream and I eat it anyway purely out of habit.  I let go of this junk food.  I will be very busy tomorrow and I am glad that the show is weakening its grip over my behavior.

I am also contemplating what I should be doing at work aside from work.  My mind tries to justify political ideas, but it gives me nothing and will be of more use later.  What should my mind be doing?  If I focus just on what is happening, all I have to do is find a higher yes.  Just like the show is I find a higher yes, then I don't need to judge myself anymore.  I think my mind should be quieter rather than louder at work for the best results and inner peace.  The environment makes it hard.  Maybe I should look for jobs with a quieter area. I otherwise can't find very many jobs I would like.

Show me what you can do.  You are capable of overcoming any internal struggle already even if you don't feel that way immediately.  It is only a matter of time before I get the life purpose course.  About three weeks of chess homework.  I love you.

[trenton]

July 30, 2020

I did have to work again today.  I managed to have a nice conversation with another worker.  He wants to be an artist, but like me he is having a hard time finding a better job.  I told him that one thing that annoys me is specialization.  Many jobs require that I have a degree in the field of past experience. This greatly narrows my options and it is not really worth getting a two or four year degree to get a specific job.  He likes drawing and like writing.  I wonder if we could actually do something together.  He said he gets stuck when trying to write, and I get stuck trying to draw. 

Unfortunately, I had to get back to work before telling him the story about Jesus running up a tidal wave before doing a back flip off of it and firing a silver arrow through a bolt of lightning and into a dragon's mouth causing it to explode and collapse beneath the wave as Jesus grows Angel wings.  This would be such an epic video game if I can avoid offending Christians even though some would love it.

After getting home my YouTube cravings started weakening.  Instead of judging myself, my idea is "do it As long as you want.". This is how I could notice when I get bored and don't really want to do this.  Similarly, eating junk food is much more psychological than hunger driven.  Many times I don't really want to eat, but I do out of habit which is dangerous.  This is loosening as well.

I finally finished the hard chess homework.  Some positions took me a while to figure out, but very often I felt unfocused.  I feel like I have not been playing as many games lately and I get less sharp when I don't play.  It is caused by me looking at this as temporary since it is the life purpose course that I really want.  I feel lost without a clear vision of what I want and many people reading this probably see how often I jump from one thing to the next.  For now I have a mission to complete before moving on.  I am able to control myself and give the focus if I really want to.  I would much rather do chess well for the rest of the lessons.

I have been experiencing a familiar form of happiness lately.  It is very carefree and lax.  I am constantly thinking that I need to be better than what I currently am.  This leads me to running in circles relentlessly. What if I can stop this?  You will experience inner peace of you want it.

Be patient and stay focused.

[trenton]

July 31 - August 1 2020

Good news and bad news.  The good news is that I am replacing more and more of my YouTube time with contemplation.  I am getting a much greater clarity of mind from doing this.  I am actually getting disinterested in watching many videos including politics because I have no control over what happens.  This leads to me getting needlessly stressed because my opinions actually serve to upset me.  I save my worldview for those who may benefit.  I don't have anything beneficial to say about trump because the United States already knows all of my criticisms.

I did share my worldview with an atheist.  I told her about spiral dynamics after learning about how she was lucky not to get thrown out of the house because of her religious parents.  I wonder if she will follow though with the research as she considers a new possible angle on life.  I have not yet watched spiral dynamics stage red.

In terms of what I contemplated, I have a lot more to do.  I did not yet consider my family, which is key to venting my emotions.  I instead contemplated the ways in which I am full of shit.  I focused on religion, politics, and spirituality.  I had a pretty good self reflection and it is changing how my mind acts.  Instead of thinking about these things, my mind jumps to how much I dislike my family.  Since my behavior changes this much with just a two days, I need to do this constantly everyday.  I could stand in a very different place.  I am also questioning some of my motives.  I am trying to create inner peace, but I since an assumption that that is good.  I would like to be careful with what I think is good as this becomes a source of bias.

I did have a challenging chess session yesterday.  I did not tell the coach about the life purpose course yet, but I I have two weeks still.  We focused on planning and I was getting pretty lost on several occasions.  He did like how I did my homework though.  That was also very hard.  As for the games I tried, I could not get far in the marathon because I needed to work again, and I made a draw in a classical game I tried.

As for the bad news, I got floss stuck in my teeth.  My teeth now feel crooked because of how much force it took to get it out.  I ultimately needed my grandma to get scissors.  I will need to talk to a dentist about this.

I am neutral toward you, and I am happy with that.

[trenton]

August 2, 2020

I had to work at 6 in the morning, and it was a pretty short day.  While at work another person told me that I'm smart.  I notice more people are telling me this.  This time she told me I was smart after I explained my plan to take a life purpose course which is the equivalent of 6 months of life coaching.  I was considering entrepreneurship, but I feel like I want something more than this.  I think this way because any direction is better than no direction, but I might have something even better.

When I got home I contemplated the ways in which I moralize and how I could improve family relationships.  I noted how I manipulate my own emotions in order to achieve a specific end goal and how this makes me feel inauthentic.  I also try not to judge people, but this backfires.  Actually I should judge people because it allows me to more my emotions that will not go away unless I note my judgements.  Moral transcendence comes from judging until it leads to non-judgement.  Interesting.

As for relationships I am still stuck in my head.  This may be partially due to the mental disorder.  In any case I am limited if my mind and thoughts prevent me from paying attention to what's going on around me.  I still struggle to stop this and I still over think.  It looks and feels like meditation is my only choice for resolving this.  Contemplation is helping out a lot as well.  I see that at least my mind is focusing on different things when I note my trauma behind my previous thoughts.  I like to see that these changes happen with these practices.

I also watched spiral dynamics stage red and shared it with my grandma.  She is a Trump supporter and she might have a hard time hearing this.  Leo explains why Trump has no plan and is very dangerous, but Nanny loves him and has a lot of propaganda stuck in her head.  I love her and my family, and I want to teach her this to help her learn the limitations of a racist worldview.  She does not see her self bias and my family relationships are split around how to deal out grandma about her racism.  She is also intolerant of transgender folks and my cousin is harassed because grandma keeps calling him Katie instead of Locklan.

As for the atheist I shared my worldview with, she found it already and she hearted the comment.  I used spiral dynamics to explain the conflict with her parents and she seems to find it helpful.  I hope she actually watches the series which would help introduce her to systems thinking.  Maybe this will improve the overall quality of her life of she has this kind of understanding in her back pocket.

I have been having a lot of good days lately and I am still keeping up on chess.  I'm happy, and I don't need to say I love as that becomes more lying which is weird and counterintuitive.  I have no way to interpret this and that's fine.

[trenton]

August 3, 2020

I was hyped and unfocused today.  I was constantly pacing back and forth as I thought about how I changed throughout my school career.  I noticed that there is some left over trauma that I need to address.  I have anger left behind because of the bullying among other problems that I faced.  I will like to write about all of it in a journal.  I am long over due to let go of some left behind psychological problems.

I practiced judging other people to vent past emotional trauma.  I found a few things I could do to restore my relationship with my sister.  Unfortunately, she is not being rational and I can't reason with her.  She still gets angry at me over every tiny infringement and I can't help that.  I could go with her and her friends to have fun.  She is way nicer when she does not displace her stress from work onto me.  If I sound sexist for saying this next part, this has actually been my experience several times.  She acts ridiculous when on her period.  I'm sorry if any readers are offended, but this happens a lot.  The best I can do is stay away from her and not talk to her at all.

I also judged my mom.  She stole my money and I feel like I can't trust her.  I want her to start family counselling, but she won't and I can't reason with her either.

I have been laughing a lot lately and been very unfocused.  I did my chess problems slowly.  I seem to have lost interest in a lot of things.  I am stuck in my head and cracking up constantly.  I struggle to get myself out of that and meditation is the only try I have.  I also have into a craving for artificial sugar.  The ice cream tastes bad and I ate it anyway.  I think this is something I should take more seriously if I don't want to give myself cancer.

The content of what goes on in my head is in constant flux because of the psychological problems being addressed.  As I give attention to one, others come up as I resolve the first. I wonder what will be left when I address all my own up anger and disappointment.  Keep up the good work, just a couple more weeks before the life purpose course.

Good luck.

[Sea At Dawn]

@trenton could you tell me why you feel it's stupid to stare at a woman's chest?

[Sea At Dawn]

@Raptorsin7 did you try it in your life?

@trenton could you tell me why you feel it's stupid to stare at a woman's chest?

[trenton]

@Sea At Dawn if I do that I would be setting myself up for a social disaster. In fact if I think about how bad it would be if I did that it already becomes part of the problem and becomes self fulfilling.  Instead I would like to be such that I don't think about it, but telling myself that I should not think about it causes me to think about it.  I should probably mention that I'm socially awkward.

[trenton]

August 4, 2020

Today was intense.  I had to get up for work for the first chunk of the day.  I talk about how my sister displaces stress from work onto me, and I have a feeling that I have it backwards now even though it was once true.  I notice I am stressed after work, but I don't really do anything about it.  This could be unconsciously contributing to the problem.  I need to make sure I am not doing this myself.  I tell myself that would be stupid and I logically shouldn't.  That would not stop me from doing it if it were the case.  I need to make sure I am not doing this to people.

Anyway I had a stupid incident with a banana this morning.  I forgot to save it for my sister and we had a war over this banana.  I am not really as mad at her as I am about the fact that this is over a banana.  Yes I forgot I was supposed to not eat that. I wish she realized that I don't target her specifically. She seems to take it very personally and does not realize that I do this to everyone.  I am working on this issue of being stuck in my head all the time and being unable to focus and listen now. 

I also pay attention to my self bias and I notice the lies coming up to defend me.  Instead I choose to say nothing in order to prevent the lies.  This was helpful when discussing what happened in the most objective way that I could.  It is so hard to build relationships with people if racing thoughts are this disruptive to the entire process and even break my focus on chess.

Unfortunately, I did not get a chance to self reflect, contemplate, or any chess homework.  I did not really want to go to my grandma's house either, but I felt that I had to.  I had a terrible trip.  The banana came up again, and I was pissed for the entire trip.  Running and video games failed to calm me down.  I need to read more books on dealing with people and emotions.

I think that the people reading my recent posts might think I am pretty bad with relationships.  I know this is just my imagination and it creates a lot of problems.  Anyway I need to rest.

I love you.

[trenton]

August 5, 2020

Today I was afraid to look back at this page because of everything I said about my sister and how people might react.  I thought people would hate me.  So far there is no problem.

I worked for 5 hours today and I was much more relaxed.  I started reducing electronics because I feel so much better without filling my head with YouTube and politics.  Eventually, I got bored and I went back to the tablet.  Now I know I don't use these electronics for reasons pursued of I am bored.  That is good to know.  My mind feels less peaceful now that I was in again.  This really messed up my focus and I would rather be jumping around less.

The bruise on my leg I got from work is showing no signs of healing and I doubt that my job would do anything about it.  I have a giant knot on my lower leg from bumping onto the carts when pushing them in with the strap. Just a little longer before I can start the life purpose course.  My grandma is also getting a career advisor for me and I will be doing both at the same time.  I did not expect this, I wonder what will happen.

As for chess, I have been feeling disinterested.  My mind tells me this is a bad thing because this is why my performance is dropping.  I feel like I am not having as much fun anymore, and I would be making myself so this because I don't want to waste the time I invested.  I would like a break from this As I do my career counseling.  I played a few blitz and rapid games with decent results, but I was still feeling exhausted and I took a nap in the middle of the day.  I still have homework to finish tomorrow after work.  I feel like I am toughing it out rather than enjoying myself.  I have not been doing online tournaments because they have been very stressful and not as fun as OTB.  I get a physical toll on my body in both cases.

Anyway I would like to keep off the electronics more often.  My mind bouncing around would not help me in chess either.  I tried walking and I was pretty happy.  People think I'm high, but I just like walking.

I still have several audio books I can run through.  This would help me kill some time of I get bored and I want to improve my life.

Thank you for your mission to create a life purpose.