The Bag Boy Who Met God: Accepting Responsibility to Live by my Own Greatness

[trenton]

My name is Trenton.  I am 21 years old, I have an associate's degree in general studies, and I am currently a bag boy at a Kroger grocery store.  I like to play chess and some college courses I may be interested in include business, neuroscience, psychology, or philosophy.  I am not clear on my life purpose if it is not going to be chess or truth seeking because my amount of income may be insufficient for self actualization due to my inability to travel.

As I write this journal I am committing myself to live by my best and to not set obstacles in my way due to my fear of God.  This is the beginning of a powerful vision for myself and there is no going back.  I do this because of love and this is how life will be lived.

[trenton]

Today, I recognized many obstacles.  One obstacle is the fact that I lay in my bed all the time.  This makes me feel lazy, uninspired, and demotivated.  I am now sitting on the floor and it is more comfortable anyway, and I feel more alert and focused.

Secondly, I admitted to myself that I created my neurotic approach to personal development in order to slow my growth.  It is like the critical voice in my head that judges and criticizes to be counterproductive while claiming to be helpful.  This critical voice is false, and will not slow me down.

This critical inner voice caused me to identify as a terrible person so that my thoughts were designed to make me self reflect less deeply.  It is the source of a lot of anxiety and lies.  It denies what my full capacities are and how powerful I truly am.  It may make me feel superior or inferior to other people, and this is not a healthy way to judge others as it limits my own growth and often backfires.

Finally, I would like to describe how chess ego is an obstacle to growth.  Many players say I am underrated at 1774 USCF.  I often play much stronger than this, but not always.  This leads me to overestimating my true playing strength, which although at my best I surprise myself, it causes me to feel like I already know things that I don't know.  This prevents me from learning as much as I could because I undervalued intermediate chess lessons which are necessary for me to improve.

I love you for no reason.

[trenton]

April 19, 2020

Today I nearly fell for a trap.  I thought that spirituality was often filled with vacuous truth of I was incapable of embodying what is being pointed to.  This allowed me to set theory aside and start moving past the intellectualism.

I saw Leo's new video titled "outrageous experiments in consciousness". Sometimes I am in no position to verify the things that are said, for example " what is death" may require psychedelics which are illegal in the U.S. and I am not realistically able to fly to Peru any time soon.  This gave me the thought that it could turn into more beliefs and ideology.

I decided to do an experiment to see what happened after the video.  Some of his models lost me, and maybe the universe's death was an illusion like his other deaths, but I speculate.  As Leo would put it, the love was so great that it radiated from him such that I could feel it.  I learned to love my fear and inability to love more which hit me and it was healing.  This has immediate real world affects where I now love my family more, and it can heal them too.

From the point of view of a white supremacist, he is not an ideologue.  From this premise I can question if I turned this love into an ideology.  The consequences of the video are that I am more loving which can become a lens through which to see reality.  It would be a useful lens from the standpoint that I easily and effectively reduce suffering of myself and others.  It does not always feel like a lens from the perspective that love to me in the form that I currently describe it is such that I accept fully the hatred others within what feels like a white light and consciousness.  Being mean is a form of love, but this gets complicated.

I am an ideologue of what love is like to me because it is a lens that feels true, but my understanding may change, and thus my behavior and thoughts.  I am also an ideologue of what ideologue means to me, but this is a temporary lens.

I love you for no reason.

[trenton]

April 20, 2020

Today I felt thrilled and energetic all day.  My mind bounced around frequently, but it seldom bothered me.  Parts that do bother me sometimes is the devil's advocacy.  For example, I know it's stupid to punch someone in the face or stare at a woman's chest, but my mind thinks about how terrible the consequences of doing such things would be.  This is a process that makes me neurotic and it does not really accomplish anything, accept risky jokes that I never tell.  Devil's advocacy does not keep my eye on the prize.

This energy is great for getting through work each day, but at home it does not allow me to sit still.  This leads to bring sucked into monkey mind with the inability to focus on reading and meditation.  One of my biggest challenges is honing my emotions carefully and in distinct ways in order to obtain desired results.  In this way, I am run by my emotions and I do not control them.  This problem persists in chess games where sometimes I can't seem to focus as much as I would like.  The more I let go of trying to control emotions, the more in control and in flow state I become.  This paradox of control has not been fully surrendered to.  I wonder what would happen if I could do it.

Part of my chess journey has reached a landmark today.  I achieved a peak lichess rating of 2203.  The top 200 players are 2227 and up for rating.  This journey has many ups and downs, but the longer time controls have helped a lot.  I am questioning compulsive buying.  Recently there was a 70% discount on chess courses.  This made me feel an urge to find one.  I am sure there is some value in it, but I have a ton of things to do already, and maybe this is not an effective way of building focus.  Other players have told me about this and they prefer quality of quantity.  I am soon to figure out if I made a mistake or not.

I love you for no reason.

[trenton]

April 21, 2020

I had a massive shift in awareness today.  I would like to credit Leo's recent video because I have recently become much more effective at self reflection, and I think he helped.  Writing this journal also helped.  To me an ego is defined as a mask I wear and act out.  They can have various personalities, but I imagined them and I may cling to them as I confuse them for me.  An ego death to me means when I am liberated from these masks by seeing how these masks are the false self.

By these definitions I experienced multiple ego deaths today, and one yesterday I did not mention, but it is important.  There are some masks within masks.  When there is repetition in my thoughts, it indicates that there is some healing that has not yet been done.

1. Why am I drawn to the abortion issue so much?  I came off as a bigot in my philosophy class because I attempted to spread my beliefs which is a form of ego.  Ultimately I forgave myself and my mind began to quiet down.  I accepted myself fully no matter what it is or how bad it weird it seems.

2. Why am I drawn to religion so much?  Several years ago, I made myself neurotic and anxious by pretending to myself that I was crucial for mankind and I was the chosen one.  I was never special, and this hit the ego at its core.  I created a ton of suffering by lying to myself that I was special.

3. Why am I drawn to politics so much?  The chain reaction began.  I believed that I was special, and in order to reinforce this identity, I imagined myself as president, so I could feel important to all of mankind.  Debating people over beliefs is pure ego, just like what happened with abortion.

4. Why do I act wise and philosophical?  I can convince myself I am special by pretending I understand reality.  This leads me to deluding myself through mental masturbation as I build elaborate theories and accept them as true.  I do not care about if what I come up with is true or not, I am just addicted to my own thoughts.

5. Why do I want to create my own suffering?  This is something I constantly tried to change about myself, and the fact that I did not accept the fact that I cause my own suffering was a source of suffering.  I love even if you hurt yourself with self deception.  I do not need to change, and this creates inner peace without suffering.

Fundamentally, my suffering is caused by me pretending I am special.  In the moments I start pretending, I start lying to myself, I become neurotic, and I cause myself to suffer.  I am who I am, and if I deny these things to myself, I can't live myself, and I will not heal.

My thoughts have finally slowed down, and this lead to me being and feeling more authentic then I have in years.  I am much more peaceful and quiet, and more easily able to tell the truth, hence all of this writing.  This is very liberating, and my sister picked up on one final mask because of how honest I was.

6.  Why am I drawn to sex, masturbation, rape ect?  This is sexual neuroticism caused by my identity as an innocent good boy.  My sister discovered that I knew what a condom was.  Throughout my school career people hit on me, but I often pretended not to understand because I wanted to leave a certain impression on them, and this was bullshit.  This is the false self, and it creates moral anxiety in the form of all of these thoughts.  My arguments for why I was fine with dying a virgin was to maintain this identity.  I can accept myself regardless of how horny I am.

Spirituality is changing my life and I am being more authentic.  Thank you actualized.org for your help.  Unconditional self acceptance reduces a lot of suffering and it leads to truth and honesty.

I love you for no reason.

[trenton]

April 22, 2020

So much happened, but I struggle to remember it all.  One of the challenges is that I often have more insights as I lay in bed after typing all of this.  I can remember what happened last night.

First, I recognized that I labeled some masks false self because of a state which I am attached to.  It was partially motivated by truth when I used the label as well.  In any case, I had a preference for inner peace and the absence of the masks.  This leads to self deception because I am not that state.  I had fear of regression into my previous lies as this pleasantness built upon lies unraveled.  The duality of true vs. false self began to blur as the label false self became shaky.

I also recognized another source of fear and an interesting paradox.  If I cling to a certain state, then changing the state becomes a threat which thus prevents inner peace.  Similarly, beliefs can be used to increase or decrease fear.  This is problematic because changing my beliefs becomes a threat which I fear.  I started to contemplate and observe fear as I recognized how I was creating it.

I remembered how a marine could be trained to resist torture.  This seems like an interesting way to overcome our fear.  I considered my fear of sharp objects and imagined a sergeant who trained people to resist torture.  He swung the knife around as I observed fear in this visualization exercise.  I considered my fear of murdering other humans.  I visualized myself holding a gun to the sergeant for a while. I felt moral anxiety about committing murder.  I hesitated to pull the trigger, but I did and it turned out it was not really loaded.  He also held me at gun point when I noticed I was more afraid of pain than death.  I more deeply realized that murder is not wrong and it is an acceptable feature of reality. 

I use visualization exercises to observe my emotions, understand relativism, reduce bigotry, and sometimes to pass time in a productive way.  You may question the fourth because if my goal is to understand myself, then a drawback is that I become absorbed in my imagination to the point that In start to identify with the scenarios and the person I imagine I am.  This may not accurately represent me.  Therefore, the fruits of such exercises may be minuscule.  I think it works best for understanding relativism, like imagining what worldview you would have if you were born in ancient Egypt.  In the exercise I did, moral relativism revealed that "murder is wrong" is not really true.

A less related point is on the topic of spiritual ego.  I noticed that this forum promotes the idea that spiritual ego should be frowned upon.  This becomes moralizing.  It can lead to repression of spiritual ego which is revealed through unconscious speech.  I considered posting a critic of the forum that criticism of spiritual ego is itself spiritual ego.  My criticism of the criticism is also spiritual ego.  Ultimately I just let it go and did not need to organize the criticism.  I felt that I was constraining myself by clinging to my spiritual ego, and it lead to lying and suffering.

I noticed something difficult to describe.  Letting go comes from acceptance even if it is acceptance of my clinging and suffering I experience.  Accepting myself the way I am and loving myself for who I am allows me to change by letting go of the thing I was attached to.  "I am who I am" became an ideology.  I don't need the ideology, but "I don't need it" becomes ideology.  The less I cling to these ideas, the more free and open I can become.  The belief that it is better to be free of ideology is a problem should I judge the presence of ideology in myself.  It is not wrong to be an ideologue.

One of the challenges with this work is that it can be hard to relate to others when I experience things that are either only true for me, or so subtle that most people are not conscious that they experience these things, and they think I am wierd when I try to explain what it is like.  I noticed that when I have an agenda such as walking to the park, I notice that I feel stressed when facing the opposite direction in order to do the opposite of my agenda.  This causes me to feel like there are imaginary barriers or invisible walls which cause me to not walk or focus on that direction.  Another instance of this is when I was viewed sexuality as immoral and distance myself from women whose sexual attraction made me uncomfortable getting close or talking to them.  This barrier is being dissolved, but I still feel resistance to getting close and talking to them.

I think the Zen master diary is peaceful music.  One of the things I do with music is cause myself to be annoyed while getting it stuck in my head.  I do this out of devil's advocacy to make my life more unpleasant than I need to make it.

My resistance to suffering creates suffering in that I fear suffering.

Do you think I write too much?  It took me an hour and a half to write this.

I love you for no reason.

[trenton]

April 23, 2020

Today I had a breakthrough in consciousness.  I realized that the source of my self deception is my failure to accept that I cannot grip reality without lying.  I knew this for a while, but I was finally accepting that no amount of ideology could save me from the groundlessness of reality.  This is the reason relativism terrified me so much, but eventually my fear passed.

I also recognized a limitation of spiritual teachings.  I asked Leo why contradictory beliefs make me angry and he said it that I was lying to believe in reality.  I knew this deep down, but I forgot and I turned relativism into an ideology in an attempt to ground myself in a sense of reality.  I'm terms of other gurus, no matter how wide they seem, I ultimately don't know if what they are saying is true.  Finally, I struggle to get answers from asking the forum or any other human beings who are too threatened to face a can of worms like this.  From this experience I have further deconstructed authority as my own self reflection is as far as I can be conscious of anything the teachings describe.

I am thinking to myself that maybe I should not tell people about these things because it might terrify people who are not ready to surrender to this.  It could cause people an existential crisis.

As the day passed I became sick to my stomach, and could not focus.  I contemplated my rationalizing and how it lead to more lying.  I would like to surrender this tendency to justify my beliefs and choices.  Fundamentally none of it is true.  I also noted yesterday and remembered today that philosophical mental masturbation is caused by using one's own truth seeking to build elaborate theories and actively avoid confronting truth out of selfishness.

I'm sure there was a few more things I am not mentioning, but I accepted that my sickness was beyond my control, and it limited me from reflecting further.  I surrendered to the pain which caused it to flow faster, but it felt like it hurt.  I'm not yet sure about the idea "pain does not actually hurt". If this is true then pain is a very difficult and powerful illusion to see through.  For now I found a way to make pain flow through me faster.

I love you.

Edited April 25, 2020 by trenton
Forgot to say I love you

[trenton]

April 24, 2020

Today felt pretty boring for several parts because I had nothing major to do, and I could not go far because of corona.  I cut the grass and went on some walks.  Hardly any people were out and about.  As I walked I observed and reflected on what my thoughts and emotions were doing as usual.

I noticed this self acceptance I experienced for the past few days started to become more anxiety ridden and toxic.  It has been healing, but it is time to let it go.  I may come back later if I wish, but this way of being was becoming more invasive, and it is time for it to die.  The new status quo which conflicted with the previous status quo and it left me uncertain of which direction to go.  I am starting to doubt that there is a direction to move in and it makes me uncomfortable.

I played some chess and encountered a titled player ranked around 8800th in the world.  I struggled to find good squares for my pieces, revealing the weaknesses in my positional understanding.  His main advice was to make sure I study everything about chess.  Anything that is useful at all.  I was unable to equalize, and he beat me.  I then was paired with a weaker opponent and won easily.

As for the new course, I am enjoying the practical part where I am finding multiple solutions to the same position.  Fischer made some interesting moves that felt unnatural to me, but they make sense.  It helps me to improve my positional understanding.

Later I read the book of not knowing and read about finding the real self.  An interesting idea which might not be true that I have is the relation between self and reality.  If reality cannot be gripped without lying, I am left with empty awareness.  This makes my sense of reality similar to my sense of self.  This makes me think maybe I am not a thing that can be gripped or I am reality.  It does not feel true, probably because it is not the sort of thing I would naturally assume.

You are okay.

[trenton]

April 25, 2020

My father has cancer and is expected to die in 2 or 3 days.  He is so sick that he could not get out of bed.  This was a chance for me to express the highest capacity for love that I could possibly imagine.  I wrote him a letter, and made sure he knew that nothing mattered to me because I will always love him.

I observed everything that happened to me and I was okay.  I accepted all of my emotions and did not judge anyone for anything.  It is like creating a peaceful circle within yourself where criticism is seen to pull you away from truth.  Talking with other people does not really change how I react to the situation.  We did not really do much except hang out with the family.

Everything is fine.

[trenton]

April 26, 2020

Today I maintained the typical attitude that I am constantly happy.  Leo's video revealed that I was too attached to right and wrong, and thus overestimated how open minded I am.  This is a skill that needs further development.

The rest of the day was nothing special, and I notice myself losing interest in some of this work.  I feel like I get sucked into my mind so much that I am run by many impulses.  I have been getting a little bit better at listening to people, but I still slide.  I am curious about what am I doing when I get thrown into my thoughts and chase and cling.  This is often what it leads too.

At the core of my thoughts, spirituality, God, Love and similar things are what my thoughts are about through most of any day.  I am not clear if this is going astray, creating false growth, limiting me, or a sign of what I think is important.  The meta problem may be monkey mind prior to any of the content.  The challenging thing about my mind is that I am so happy that it leaves me unfocused. 

Is this true happiness?  Is it a problem?  My peers think it is weird that I am always happy, and I am not upset with them for thinking this.  I often make them happy too because they do not understand how I am always happy.  This is a recurring issue that I have not clarified or resolved.  Nobody in my life has been as helpful as my own self reflection and this is how I intend to tackle this.

I love you as far as I am capable.

[trenton]

April 27, 2020

Today I opened my mind to the possibility that I could be a millionaire.  I went about in completely the wrong way because I am vulnerable to wishful thinking.  If I were able to overcome this, then I would have my life driven by a powerful vision, and I can let go of being lost in my thoughts and imagination of something I wish could be.  This is what my life could become.

Currently my job at Kroger has been painful.  I had to wipe off carts for 7.5 hours.  I was not happy with this.  I might be happier with a book I can start writing now.

I self reflected on love and realized that true love does not come from a place of lack of neediness which is why something felt off of about me saying I love you because I lacked love for myself and therefore wanted to love myself.

I love you.

[Raptorsin7]

You can be a millionaire no question.

Just set the goal and watch reality bring it to you.

If you pursue purpose with genuine love and passion theres np question you'll be successful. Most rich people dont even love their loves.

If you nail the love part you will have a competitive advantage over 99% of people 

[trenton]

@Raptorsin7 Thank you for your kind words.   Currently my mind is used to being sporadic and unfocused.  This becomes one of the reasons that my life remains the way it is, and my mind is great at making this happen.  There is a sprawling issue of my psychology that is holding me back.  I will explain in my next post.

by "most rich people don't even love their loves" did you make a typo?  What does it mean?  Maybe their job is miserable.

I will follow some advice.  I can set the goal to type the book.  I already have the book written and am putting it in Google docs.  If I could type one chapter every time I have a day off, that would be incredible.

[Raptorsin7]

35 minutes ago, trenton said:

by "most rich people don't even love their loves" did you make a typo?  What does it mean?  Maybe their job is miserable.

Love is prior to all experience. Some people are more or less aware of this fact. So for some people they feel loving/amazing prior to anything happening, and their lives are amazing. But some people, many rich people fall into this category, try to use experiences in the world ot make themselves feel good, but they aren't just already feeling love.

The trick is to learn to feel good first before anything happens, this is what it means to be on the path to enlightenment imo, so once you master the ability to feel amazing first, then things will naturally fall into place.

Listen to Abraham Hicks, she's excellent for merging spirituality with worldly success.

[trenton]

April 28, 2020

I had an interesting day today.  I started a topic about becoming a millionaire, and it seems to be getting a lot of attention.  I also noticed that when I get too caught up in what goes on in the forum or in politics, my mind becomes very jumpy and stimulated.  This prevents me from focusing my time and energy on the most effective way possible.  My mind becomes very vulnerable to being sucked into debate as my mind gets attached to the ideology it created.

this is a psychological pattern that is rooted all the way back when I was in school.  My teachers would often call me out for being too stuck in Trenton land to focus on school.  In this way my imagination creates a very compelling form of happiness strong enough for me to not care about the consequences.  When I try to let this go, I notice how sometimes I start to swing the pendulum toward depression.  I am rising above this extreme because it has no chance of improving the quality of my life.

one vision I can create for myself is that I could be missing out on an even higher form of happiness that is different from my constant excitement.  I understand that my excitement can be very helpful for getting me through a long day at Kroger while minimizing stress, but what if I could have a new even higher form of happiness?  This is the question that needs to be answered to break myself out of his current worldview.  My alternative is constant mental stimulation, that leaves me in my same patterns.  I don't intend to threaten myself by questioning this paradigm, but I become more open when I imagine this new possibility.

I also started to become more aware of how Leo's followers and I have created spiritual ideologies that inhibit our growth.  I also further recognized the limitations of true beliefs and how being right is not everything.  Being right can leave you unfulfilled with vacuous truth because you have limited yourself to a paradigm and in a sense trapped yourself.  The first example is using spiritual truths to argue against the pursuit of a goal.  I could start telling myself nothing matters, which although true can be used in a way that disempowers you, and limits your curiosity with which to explore life.  Spirituality thus contradicts itself by being used to prevent you from taking responsibility for your life, and finding a life purpose.  I realize there is no need to do these things, but it does not mean I should limit myself from them.  We followers of actualized.org are unconscious that we are holding spirituality as a high good, and it causes us to think less of other paradigms and options, forgetting about relativism.

Another example comes from politics which is how my mind for sucked into ideology on another front.  There are true beliefs about the obstacles to becoming a millionaire.  For example, but corporations lobby in order to skew the economy to their advantage.  Although the belief is true, it can again be used to lock me in a powerless paradigm.  This also prevents me from focusing on what is within my immediate control.  One of the biggest caused of my wishful thinking stems from politics.  I get fixated on how great it would be if lobbying were banned, but this could take decades.  In this sense all of my political positions are meaningless and they can be used in a way to paradigm lock me or become a fruitless distraction with empty promise in terms of the gains which would be nice if they were true and we had the means.  I remember I constructed this political identity out of self importance, and some of it may be a genuine concern for mankind, but I don't want it to stop me from writing a book.

Finally, I notice that my mind is pulled by many goals.  The book of not knowing, spirituality, God, psychology, writing a book, chess mastery, and many other things.  I am becoming too broad to be effective, and I need to temporarily divide and combine to manage this complicated self mastery, which is what all of these goals fundamentally are.

I notice my tone with myself is very judgemental.  I am shifting into a paradigm of high performance, and I feel lost and confused about how to think, but my clarity is growing.  When I rest it may become more clear over the next few days.

I know it is hard, and it does not feel true now, but I will not hold you back.

My behavior and jihad against myself is ultimately out of love. 

I love you.

[trenton]

April 29, 2020

Lately I have noticed a general trend in my energy.  As I get more and more burnt out, my mind becomes less and less focused.  This is preventing me from becoming as conscious as I could.  It decreases my capacity for self acceptance as I become less self reflective.  I have one more early day at work tomorrow after which I have some time off finally.  Personal development becomes more and more neurotic as I try to push myself to the level of working double when burning out, so this does not yet work for me.  In theory a more powerful vision could change that.

Meanwhile, the chess master I played a few days ago offered to help me learn chess in exchange for me helping him learn English.  If I can get a hold of him, this will be my first chess coach, so I will not ignore this opportunity.

Finally, my father is unable to speak.  He can barely move and is expected to die some time tomorrow.  I decided to keep what I wrote for dad away from the rest of the family.  I should probably stay silent for the funeral to avoid bugging people.  I have small amounts of grief for the situation, but my grandmother is much more distraught.  A better focus would be to comfort her.

I love you to my fullest capacity.  You need rest.

[Raptorsin7]

@trenton I'm sorry about your father but you show incredible strength and wisdom you will be just fine.

[trenton]

@Raptorsin7 Thank you.  I try to make it easier for the rest of my family to cope because they take it harder.  I could offer some money to pitch in.for the service and continue offering hugs when possible.

Maybe there are other methods that I do not know about and I may research them.

[Raptorsin7]

@trenton  Just being there and showing strength and love is incredible. Your strength and love will infect your family members and make it easier for them to cope.

[trenton]

April 30, 2020

First the bad news that I prepared for was that my father passed away because of abdominal cancer.  I am continuing to observe myself for any sense of grief so that I may release it.  Maybe this can make me more effective at helping the rest of the family to heal as well.  I did not let this get me down too much, and I continued with self actualization work.  Most people probably would not like that I do this, but I don't have to be afraid of their opinion.

I found a job opportunity for chess.com.  I would have a remote job preparing videos for kids to help them learn.  I filled out a request for the position with many questions because it is a full time job and I might have to compromise with my old job at Kroger.  I would like this job more.  So far I noticed some annoying features that kids probably like, and I will probably have to include them.

From my self reflection I learned how to be more authentic.  First, a funny example is how when Justin Bieber first became popular, all the men hated him.  My culture thus taught me that this is proper, and I conformed to the behavior.  Actually, I am not really threatened by love songs and boy bands and I have no serious issues with them.  I don't care and they are not even as bad as my culture says.  This little example could have big implications for all of your preferences and how your culture taught them to you.  Ask yourself "is this really a problem or am I just being a conformist?"  

 similarly, I wrote a letter for my father before he passed away.  In this letter I forgave him for everything he ever did that the family judges him and hated for.  I loved him unconditionally.  This revealed the fact that I lie to myself to make myself more upset with people for their wrongs.  I don't really hate those people as much as I say or act especially if I build up a sense of righteousness.  I am actually more loving then I say or act like I am.  It is painful for me to hate people for their actions, and it seems like a very common assumption in all of human culture. 

The same applies for the man who punched my mom in the face.  I did not hate him as much as I acted because ultimately I sensed that I was lying to myself, but I was not as conscious of self deception and how to deal with it.  My culture also taught me to demonize terrorists, but I don't hate them really.  I'm just scared of what my culture would do if I actually said that to 100 Americans.

As I become more authentic, I become more loving.  My family thinks this is crazy, but I do this because I love them.  I'm glad that I became authentic enough to forgive my father.  The only regret is that I did not love him more years before when I did not develop a higher form of love and honesty.  I still need work because we are deeply inauthentic.

I love you.