Just Imagine

[AtheisticNonduality]

@DrewNows Are you gonna revert to Beige?

[mandyjw]

Are boys fighting each other in my PMS journal? 

Enlightenment isn't what I thought. 

[DrewNows]

Im too tired to fight or argue. @AtheisticNonduality If you want beef please message me directly, don’t be afraid to speak your truth, I don’t have time for games but I’d be happy to send you some medicine. Let’s not be immature and disrespectful here.

Not sure if seeing in black and white like a baby is beige but that’s as far as I’ve reverted, good day 

@mandyjwi think PMS is a sign of Imbalance.
Listened to most of your video today, exciting stuff. Always a few nugget reminders and similarities, cheers 

Edited August 26, 2020 by DrewNows

[AtheisticNonduality]

This is genuinely fascinating, the idea that moving down the spiral could get you enlightenment in that infinitely small is the same thing as infinity. Be careful.

[mandyjw]

The title of this journal is "just Imagine"' for a reason. I've imagined profound connections with clairvoyant doctors, Leo, Jesus and Harry Potter. Other people including myself at times find profound truths in astrology, chakras or spiral dynamics. Truth is a tricky bitch, always in flux it seems and only personal to us. But then we look back at the person it's personal to, and that's not even true either. Fall in love with it and then unmask it.

 

[DrewNows]

@mandyjw sometimes we really don’t know what we want, or we think we do, it feels right, but then life shows us a possibility we never ever could have imagined. A new light, a new expression, frequency or vibration, whatever happens is destined. It’s a God given duty/responsibility to veil these truths to those who await the insights given. 

Truth is not so tricky, but manipulation can sure as hell be...well maybe it is in a sense 

Edited August 27, 2020 by DrewNows

[mandyjw]

Boys be mansplaining in my PMS journal now. No offense, I mandysplain a lot too. 

So last night I dreamed that I was with two other women and my dream character wasn't really a solid "me" no connection to my actual life story. As far as I can understand about the setting we had just come out of this really long tunnel or mine system that went deep into the earth (recurring dream theme for me) and there was this other woman who we were absolutely terrified of. She was dark, primal sort of the mix between woman and animal, like a bear and I remember associating her with dark and black. And we were going back through that tunnel but knew there was a very good possibility that she never left and was waiting to attack us there in the dark, who knows when.

Then the dream shifted more to my real life except the setting was wildly different. I met the teacher who would teach my son after disapproving of another and she was sweet so I felt good about her.

Then when I woke up and raked through the dreams, I realized that I judge women much more harshly than I do men. Probably because I judge myself harshly so I judge them more harshly. 

Lots of crying emotional release during meditation, in which saw so many ways I try to judge myself during meditation. I "heard" this incredibly subtle message, "You don't have to be anything". 

I've used male/female differences as a framework to judge myself. 

Edited August 27, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

https://www.herbalremediesadvice.org/self-heal-herb.html

https://altnature.com/gallery/eveningprimrose.htm

Absolutely crazy how medicinal and edible and healing the weeds growing around us that we over look are. I just made evening primrose tea. 

 

[mandyjw]

I need to order business cards and I want a new design but have no idea what that is. So I've been procrastinating. Usually I'd go through my photos to find something I like enough to put on there, but what if I instead think about what I want to be put on there as an idea for something I've yet to make? 

A few years ago I listened to Leo's Life is a Dream episode and really resonated with it. I started making this design with white rabbits. One was a white rabbit in a row boat, on a dreamlike stream with white flowers and a white swan. No one wanted to buy it, and I loved it so much I eventually took it down for sale and kept it. 

This either or, of making art and making what sells is something I'd like to transcend/heal. 

ETA, I think recognizing that it's already healed is the "way"

Edited August 27, 2020 by mandyjw

[Johnny5]

On 8/27/2020 at 11:47 AM, mandyjw said:

mandysplain

 ? 

[mandyjw]

I used to have an eagle on my house, and in my minimalist, fuck patriotism and fuck you America stage (green?) I took it off. I really thought I had donated it and as eagles became more and more special to me hated myself for doing that. A week ago I was trying to find something in a huge pile in the garage when I had my dad over fixing something and pulled out the eagle. I was so thrilled, I went out to show it to my dad and a huge hawk flew overhead. Yesterday I went for a run in the rain and we (dog and I) saw a hawk. I rarely see them in the woods. I took my kids to the beach the other day and we walked and explored further than we ever have. I started having this inexplicable good/scary feeling and we went out to this point, ledge outcropping where a bald eagle flew off and there was this fallen down shack someone had built long ago. 

I don't know why I'm writing about birds. Yesterday I had a sort of realization, I suppose. It's an explanation in the story, but I find explanations in stories to be very helpful of letting go of animosity toward oneself and others. I found the transition to motherhood shocking, especially at 24. I was already working a LOT and not taking care of myself. Joltingly, when he was born I realized how I didn't even have proper time to eat or go to the bathroom anymore. Then he started showing symptoms of autism and then I realized my friends and social life were incompatible with me being a mother. I had no friends and family members who were also Moms, and didn't know how to meet any. I tried to pretend that I could do everything my childless friends did. Work harder was my solution to everything. 

At the same time my best friend in the word started becoming friends with this childless couple who it seemed to me, indulged every single whim and fantasy, spare no expense, I discovered Eckhart Tolle. Depression and anger were felt and dealt with like I'd never know I'd had a window of opportunity to do before. It was also a huge lessen in mimicking spiritual teachers and repression. I fell on my ass quite a lot with presence. But still, colors got brighter. The world got more beautiful. 

Also if I didn't have time for my self, no problem. I would psychologically kill my self. Seemed like the obvious answer, I never liked myself anyway. I had wanted to kill myself before, but I knew that was just a selfish desire. Now I had a way of killing myself without actually killing myself. I could still fulfill everyone's wants and expectations and my duties, but I wouldn't have to be there to suffer through it. Self care? You mean ego care? 

My son was diagnosed with autism. Up until that point I didn't know if i could handle another, now it seemed obvious, I knew he needed a sibling. This time I listened to my body, I intended to conceive a girl, I knew she was a girl. The pregnancy and complete loss of my social life gave me the opportunity to go inward like never before. The nurse who was there during her delivery's name was Karma. Diagnosis aside my kids were more perfect than I imagined, everything I dreamed. Except I never imagined it would have been this hard. Having two, one developmentally delayed was incredibly difficult. It literally felt like being in prison and the only way out was to question my thoughts about it. On top of that we were mid-house renovation. Working harder and penny pinching were my go tos to make myself feel better. I painted the whole thing myself, and almost everything got painted pure, bright, white. Also the messy house infuriated me, so I would get rid of everything superfluous and be minimalist.  

Suddenly, everything seems so easy. I feel almost stunned, shocked, living in a mostly empty white house. It's still hard sometimes, but my youngest is 4.5. I have this beautiful old trunk I had to hide in the closet because it's not toddler safe. I explained the dangers to my daughter and now it's finally out where I can see it. Yesterday I was lamenting a stain on my kitchen cabinets and she asked for something to clean then proceeded to clean all the spots off the cabinets and appliances, happier than ever. They are finally at the age where I can teach them good habits and share the things I love with them. It feels like a storm has lifted and the sun has come out again. I'm free to dream, create, indulge, decorate, take care of myself. And for some reason, I still feel a little bit guilty for feeling that way. 

Edited August 30, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Distancing our selves can be an attempt to better ourselves, to find our true path in clarity OR to identify. It's important to look closely at your heart and thoughts to know which is which. 

Ever write something for the benefit of someone else and then realize "oh... fuck... that was for me.) Seems to happen to me on this forum all the time. 

[mandyjw]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christopher_Thomas_Knight

"Knight was largely reluctant to express any inkling of motives or insights gained through his experience, but he did offer that "solitude bestows an increase in something valuable ... my perception. But ... when I applied my increased perception to myself, I lost my identity. There was no audience, no one to perform for ... To put it romantically, I was completely free." Finkel compared this observation to similar statements by Ralph Waldo Emerson, Charles de Foucauld, and Thomas Merton.[8]"

If there's no one to perform for...

Side note. I really want to go to a Ball someday, a for real Masquerade. Like all Victorian era gowns, ball room and everything. 

But if there's no one to perform for, there's no one to perform for.

I made that dramatic quick. Did I? Oh but the characters, real, fictional, and no difference between... it's so seductive. 

 

artifice

 noun

ar·ti·fice | \ ˈär-tə-fəs  \

1a: clever or artful skill : INGENUITY… believing that characters had to be created from within rather than with artifice.— Garson Kanin

b: an ingenious device or expedient

2a: an artful stratagem : TRICK… revising the state's constitution through a series of legal stratagems and artifices …— W. Haywood Burns

b: false or insincere behavior social artifice

 

[mandyjw]

Oh... fuck. 

adorable

"Tie a pink ribbon around your puppy's neck and push him around in a stroller, and you'll either get worried stares or compliments on how adorable he looks. Adorable means lovable, sweet, and childlike.

The adjective adorable is mostly used to mean "cute," when someone is describing something sweet or charming, like a baby or a pretty dress. The origins of the word adorable are actually religious; it was first used only to mean "worthy of adoration." The Latin word adorare, "to ask in prayer," is the root of adore, which in the 14th century meant "to worship." It wasn't until the 1880s that adorable began to mean "delightful" rather than "worthy of worshiping." 

https://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/adorable

[mandyjw]

And there's my answer. 

Sorry potential journal readers, I won't tell you what the question was. This is my play, I'm always conscious of my audience and I like to break the third wall. However, a lady must always maintain an air of mystery. 

*snorts, laughing* 

[mandyjw]

 

[Johnny5]

49 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

Ever write something for the benefit of someone else and then realize "oh... fuck... that was for me.) Seems to happen to me on this forum all the time. 

Yep!

[mandyjw]

seduce (v.)

1520s, "to persuade a vassal, etc., to desert his allegiance or service," from Latin seducere "lead away, lead astray," from se- "aside, away" (see secret (n.)) + ducere "to lead," from PIE root *deuk- "to lead." Sexual sense, now the prevailing one, is attested from 1550s and apparently was not in Latin.

[mandyjw]

"You can talk!" 

She gives her voice away to get the man, but the man only loves her for her voice.

siren (n.)

mid-14c., "sea nymph who by her singing lures sailors to their destruction," from Old French sereine (12c., Modern French sirène) and directly from Latin Siren (Late Latin Sirena), from Greek Seiren ["Odyssey," xii.39 ff.], one of the Seirenes, mythical sisters who enticed sailors to their deaths with their songs, also in Greek "a deceitful woman," perhaps literally "binder, entangler," from seira "cord, rope."

Meaning "device that makes a warning sound" (on an ambulance, etc.) first recorded 1879, in reference to steamboats, perhaps from similar use of the French word. Figurative sense of "one who sings sweetly and charms" is recorded from 1580s. The classical descriptions of them were mangled in medieval translations and glosses, resulting in odd notions of what they looked like.

 

 

[mandyjw]

Yes, yes, yes, yes. LOVE Tim Ferris.