Just Imagine

[mandyjw]

Funny how last night's journal entry totally unearthed the blame/shame theme.

There's another layer to it, that I even blame people and myself for blaming and shaming, and it all happens here.

Funny the word place got typed as the word blame. There isn't a here and a there. 

[mandyjw]

If in the metaphysical mystic duality fantasy world people apparently have levels of "spiritual attainment" or even natural "talent", if they have their own unique flavor of energy, then places most certainly do too. 

Seems like every time I try to leave, some world crisis or personal awakening happens. This place be like...

 

[mandyjw]

Yesterday I listened to Roger Castillo's satsang, and he talked about something I found really useful to contemplate, which is because we believe we are the body and seek pain and pleasure, we also believe that other people seek pain and pleasure too. So he used the example of cutting someone off in traffic and making them angry. That's the kind of thing that I found so unbearable, causing pain to others, that I felt it was better to retreat from the world, especially since it seemed to be full of people who were quick to blame others for things. 

Side note, Roger is absolutely incredible, but he just kind of sits and talks so matter of fact like a normal person so you wouldn't realize it, nor immediately recognize the depth and value of what he does. Someone should make him a snazzy intro. 

Anyway this unwillingness to cause pain to others or felt responsibility for other people's pain has been one of the greatest forms of suffering. Having kids brought this front and center. There's a biological response to a baby crying. I've even woken up completely in the night because a baby across the road cried. The sympathetic pain is sometimes more clearly and directly physically felt. I suppose at the deepest level of misunderstanding it turns into an either or thing, I can sacrifice my life for you or I can be happy. 

I take a lot of responsibility for other people's pain. This is such a tricky subject because we've been taught to do his, but for girls who are emotionally connected and empathetic it can become monstrous and destructive. Ironically it turns me into a bitch, especially to my husband. I wonder if my feeling like he doesn't do enough, and doesn't take enough responsibility is because I'm taking responsibility for something I don't have control over. I'm trying to control something I can't, which feels awful. Then I assume that feeling awful is because I can't manage to control the thing.  When my husband is mad or unhappy I actually get mad at him. The way Roger words it is that suffering is the attitude not circumstantial, and what AH teaches with "if it feels bad, it's not true"

Lately life has been so amazing and I've been so uninhibited in going for what I want. There's also a fear that it's because of the time of year, which is ending and becoming complicated shortly with my kids starting school amidst a pandemic, and my mind trying to credit the happiness with circumstances and then fear that those will go away. 

I also realized that depression is a call to go deeper. Not a "come over here you fucking bitch" call, but an invitation to something so wonderful, you'll hate yourself for not going, and that's what the depression really is. 

 

[DrewNows]

4 hours ago, mandyjw said:

I also realized that depression is a call to go deeper. Not a "come over here you fucking bitch" call, but an invitation to something so wonderful, you'll hate yourself for not going, and that's what the depression really is. 

 Yes!
Good vibes Mandy ?

I’d like to see you get into astrology so I’m gonna leave this here in case you’re interested  

 

[Johnny5]

Peeling the onion...

 

[mandyjw]

@DrewNows Maybe someday!  

@Johnny5

[mandyjw]

 

[allislove]

1 hour ago, mandyjw said:

 

[mandyjw]

@allislove

Today was craaaaazy. Hope I can journal about it tomorrow but this video was incredibly helpful. Also let's just say it's Roger's fault that I learned how to take dents out of metal that I put there today, while I'm giving others credit for stuff. 

 

[mandyjw]

So a part of me thinks I'm an idiot for sharing all this stuff I share, but it feels good to do it. I just saw the funniest series of clips where these women pretended to be making videos for an audience in front of their partners and talked about their cleaning routines, etc and how committed they are to having this perfect home and life, while they are actually filming their partner's reaction to their bullshit of presenting themselves in a certain light when he well knew reality was another. Seemed to fit with my confusion about my youtube channel. Am I airing my dirty laundry or presenting myself as an authority? Neither I guess.

There seem to be two stages, or a full circle path of self improvement. I found Leo's videos in the first place because I wanted to deal with my anger better. To me the height of unconsciousness was my anger outbursts, which I felt were lapses where I completely lost control. At this point I thought I had control. This revelation that there is no I and no control has changed everything and also left me with the funny feeling of "well what do I do about that, then?"  Like phantom pain.

 If enlightenment was about emotional equanimity, then as a female who was prone to emotional outbursts I was in an incredibly disadvantageous place. I don't think I realized how misogynistic I myself was. I equated my emotional reactivity with pain. Roger explained that in the video above so well, I don't think I really realized that until last night.

I equated equanimity with respect and value. At the same time something in me completely rebelled against this self imposed constriction. It hated it when it saw it in others, when it saw it in the Christian church or detected hints of it in secular spiritual teachers or Buddhism when I started getting into those things. But secretly, I thought men were better and more important. I thought I was a silly, foolish little creature. 

I thought that emotional equanimity was a state that I could achieve. I completely colored over that I already was the peace that passeth understanding. I wanted to be that, embody it. Own it. For myself. Honestly, I still do. 

The past couple days a complete resentment came up for being female. Funny, yet fitting that I've been honoring my femininity and exploring it.  I realized recently that I've been blaming men for my own misunderstandings, only in a more... submissive, passive aggressive, self demeaning way? than I realized. I've been idealizing men all my life, loving their strength and calmness, their focus and seriousness.

All the back and forths I'm susceptible to, the hormones, whatever I've blamed for keeping me from the very thing I want MOST, that peace. When it was already there. This summer I was so active and lost weight so my cycle went away and it was fantastic. No hunger, no  hormonal wanting to overeat and feeling like fat cow swings. No emotional swings. No pain. With the new moon got a flood of hormones in and for some reason I get ovulation pain so bad that for a short time I can barely walk. Happened to me last night sychroncistically. 

Yesterday my four year old daughter who is intensely creative, strong willed and emotional AF would not leave me alone. I had mess after mess, frustration after frustration. I've been working so hard and going for what I want and part of me made me think my mistake was to care again, to go for what I want. The clean, beautiful house, the successful business and extra money, wanting to look beautiful, the creative expression. Who am I to want these silly things? 

Eventually after disaster after disaster, and her screaming at me over... silly things , then letting the dog upstairs who ran up and excited peed all over my comforter that takes hours to wash and dry I lost my temper. Of all things I smashed an alarm clock sitting on the shelf. I hit something and really hurt my hand, eventually I went downstairs and found that the order I put up for someone who never showed up had been chewed and was all over the floor. That's when I kicked my stainless steel trashcan which I really like and maybe feel unworthy of having cause it was a little pricey and dented it. I thoroughly scared the dog, who took an hour or so to trust me again. During this time there's a feeling of relief in the body and I recognition that I'm completely not in control of the actions of my body. All logic is gone. I want an orderly life, so I smash things. I previously thought I'm my own worst enemy but now I see it's when I try, try try to control and then this energy rises up that shows me I am NOT in control. 

And so my entire delving into spirituality was to try to control this event when I'm out of control, which really was a profound sort of awakening in itself. 

 

Edited August 20, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Phantom pain of "I"

 

Edited August 20, 2020 by mandyjw

[DrewNows]

aww i love house, and he cracks me up. I am sorry to hear your home chaos is acting up  You are delving into some great insight putting attention on your relation to men. It's so cool to finally allow yourself to be a temple for even the negative emotions because it is in the swings, we lose OURSELVES

[DrewNows]

Patriarchal division puts you in someone else’s magic box 

I’ve started contemplating the relation-ship between patriarchal and hierarchical...  

Edited August 20, 2020 by DrewNows

[mandyjw]

@DrewNows HA! That's a good way to put it, like the woman who gets cut up by the magician. Although, isn't that also sort of what sort of what House built in that episode, in reverse? Ohhh weird synchronicity.   

[DrewNows]

Magic box is an esoteric/code word used in “spiritual landscaping” to describe the ramifications of ones reality given their particular point of experience/circumstance. Quite literally the belief systems or mental programs effecting ones degree/level of awareness. The unseen forces make up ones magic box to the extent at which they are sovereign in their way of life. Free masonry, creator and ruler of resources, not ruled by them 

Are we programmed to live ass backwards, stuck in reverse?  

[mandyjw]

@DrewNows Thought you meant the woman sawed in half trick. 

 

Can you feel the love tonight?
You needn't look too far
Stealing through the night's uncertainties
Love is where they are

Edited August 23, 2020 by mandyjw

[DrewNows]

18 hours ago, mandyjw said:

@DrewNows Thought you meant the woman sawed in half trick. 

Rabbits. 

[mandyjw]

@DrewNows Yeah... rabbits.

This embracing femininity thing keeps coming up in various, several ways. A few weeks ago I found a youtuber very mildly famous woman who inspired me in so many different ways and led me in so many different directions on things I want in life. She inspired me to finally finish my house, get back to the things i loved that inspired me that I stopped spending money and thought on, and also in a lot of career related ways, and even some spiritual ones. It all flows in together. 

I know that I blame men for what I assumed about myself. It's completely on me. Except that paradox of me not existing. What evs. The more I study fashion, glam and beauty which I demonized for years the more I realize that it's really about beauty being subjective and celebrating the weird and different, "pretending" with your best foot forward with confidence. 

Leo seems to be triggering me a lot recently. The Silencing of the Rabbits.  I just checked out his blog and I am a huge fan of Marie Kondo, and she really helped me deepen spirituality. I also felt like I never got to "finish" her advice and put stuff in order, because I minimized stuff down and then realized the renovation was what I wanted. Then I had a toddler, sick dog, awakening, new puppy, and the house never got put together with things that spark joy that much. A little. I also didn't allow myself that. She is also an amazing teacher on the feminine side of spirituality, in my opinion. Going through your physical stuff is huge. Not "peanuts". If you are not or if you are you plus everything, your shit that's surrounding you all the time is also an outward and profoundly telling expression of mind. 

 

 

Edited August 24, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

So I realize that the root or core of this "problem" (interest/drama in the life story) is that I value some things and not others, and forget that I, ultimately create value myself. I possess this freedom. I possess the power to create meaning. That power is so scary, so powerful, that it's not really a power at all, it's so all encompassing. 

So I create this story where I'm a 5'3 small framed female living in a world where there are systems in place gold is valued and mud is not, even though our food grows in dirt and gold is also found in mother earth. Then because I believe I am said 5'3 female, I try very hard to place on value on myself, the perceiver and enjoyer of gold/dirt and others going about apparently trying to value themselves, others and everything from gold to dirt to in between. 

In pure enjoyment/appreciation there is no placement of value. 

And so the only thing "I" can do is stop valuing and judging myself. 

So now, I feel like valuing and judging myself. Thank's inner devil's advocate! (moi) 

I am a silly, silly little creature, who likes pretty things, who likes to play dress up, who likes to play, who likes to create pretty things. I realize all I'm talking about is the same advice AH gives for connecting to source, everything else be damned. 

 

[mandyjw]

Pretty little things. Oh fuck. That boomerang didn't take long to come back and hit me.