Just Imagine

[mandyjw]

How will I know I'm a good person if I stop blaming and shaming myself? 

Yesterday I took the kids swimming. An out of state car pulled in and just sat there looking out at us, loud music blaring. I instantly felt very vulnerable. Vulnerable turned into "I shouldn't be here, this is my fault." Since eating meat again, I've gotten into shape and have been wearing my two piece swimsuit because the others fit like crap. I feel conspicuous. I remember dressing in tighter than normal clothes once getting read for high school and instantly feeling nauseous. When guys hit on me or comment, I feel guilty. I feel like it's my fault. I should be fat and dress like a slob. I shouldn't stand out.

I think the dream about my sister in law points to judging people. My mother in law told me something about her that made me judge her. In fact the dream morphed from my uncle to her, and that uncle is someone I've always judged the most of almost anyone too.  

Funny that the thing I wore to give me courage and symbolizes what I hold to the highest standard would break in the same symbolic way as the people I want to be like the least. 

It's all falling apart. 

There's a line from a Sia song that struck me, "I'm still fighting for peace." I saw a sign last spring that said "Peace One With Another". 

Of course peace requires pieces and requires them to be in the right places. Connection is duality, it's conditional. Love is duality, it's conditional. Allowing and appreciation and love, all the same. Unconditional, is allowing itself. 

Allowing   All owing 

[mandyjw]

Fuck. BOOM, right back where I started. 

Owing. Feeling like I owe hurts. Owing, ouch ow ow owing. 

All owing. Allowing. 

 

Sensing that there's some desires here and they aren't just mine own. Owing and owning, owl wing. Ok Mandy, go home, you're drunk. 

[mandyjw]

On 7/20/2020 at 5:53 PM, mandyjw said:

Beware of taking so seriously words that start with  P E R, perspective, permission, perception, performance, perfection, they all require a person. 

Back on contemplating this topic. A lot of my need for permission is imagining that there's a Big Daddy in the sky and I need to win his love. I spent my childhood trying to please my dad. On top of that there was Jesus, and the heavenly Father in the sky. My love of spiritual teachers is reflected/projected here. If I ever want to do anything big or make a bold stand or have a big goal, the first step is to get Daddy's permission. The Lion King losing his crown, the lion necklace that gave me courage with the broken off leg.

At some point you find out that your parents have their own shit.

I've had two long standing beliefs in my life. One is that the truth is your power, the other is that you can learn something from everyone. Everyone, no matter how little you think of them has some expertise or point of view that you've never experienced.  Everyone is both your teacher and your student. If you stay in the role of student, you never get your permission or discovered your true gifts. If you stay stuck as a teacher you miss all the beautiful lessons that everyone has. 

Per mission. 

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

I'm dealing with a lot of frustration and disillusionment about the spiritual community as a while. Whole. I meant to type whole. Which I know is an imaginary mental construct. 

If you are the dealer, I'm out of the game
If you are the healer, it means I'm broken and lame
If thine is the glory then mine must be the shame
You want it darker
We kill the flame

Am I naive? 

"The root naïve is a French adjective meaning “natural, just born.”

There are two seemingly waring against each other sides within spirituality. Success verses shunning/transcending it. There's incredible joy, love and transcendence to be found on both sides of the spectrum. There's no tipping point, no point of reference. 

There's no enlightenment. This is a party of big egos, people with egos so big their real work is to deal with them. Or maybe that's just me.  

Seems to me that spiritual teachers are the biggest devils at the party. Or maybe that's just me. 

Luke 12:49-53
I am come to send fire on the earth; and what will I, if it be already kindled?

 

Edited August 3, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Does the level of the teaching matter? No. Words have meaning, until words don't have meaning, until words have meaning. What really matters is that someone resonates and enjoys it, that they love it. Entertainment includes some of the most powerful spiritual teachings within it, however the problem is that it's unconscious. 

By unconscious I mean, the mind doesn't recognize the value of it so it can't seek it and only applies it in limited ways. However it's innocent, doesn't try to own or conceptualize it and inspiration unowned is a powerful force. 

Even the things we say ourselves have meanings deeper than we know.

I said in a video I recorded yesterday that I never thought that my awakening and the bliss/clarity would end. 

I didn't think. 

It's not that I was naive. It's that it was recognized that wasn't an actual possibility. But it happened anyway. 

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

Once when I was in highschool, I think or younger, I went on a shopping trip with my sister. She wanted to go into a Halloween shop, and we did. I went in there absolutely disgusted by the whole thing. We ended up having this conversation about it later and she tried to explain that it's all for fun, but I did not see the fun or humor in dismembered body parts, whore nurse costumes and general spooky fuckery. I tried to explain to her how just wasteful ,unfeeling and insensitive the entire thing is. 

I was raised to believe that Halloween is evil, anything dark is evil and that Jesus zombie jokes are most DEFINITELY NOT funny at all. 

Sometimes the longer it takes to properly tell a joke the funnier it is when you get to the end.  Halloween is now the biggest time of year for my business and I look forward to it every year. But, when it's actually Halloween, I always feel that there's definitely something deeper about that time of year that the decorations and fun is masking over. 

It's funny how our initial aversions always have an element of being very wrong and also very right simultaneously. Or more accurately put, they are neither wrong nor right. 

 

[mandyjw]

It's an interesting challenge reconciling two seeming opposites, which I credit to being brought up very down to earth but having some wild, uninhibited, lavish Hollywoodesque dreams. It's like trying to reconcile renunciation and living a simple honest "spiritual" life with desire and LOA. Trying to reconcile them I suppose is a lot like putting two kids in a get-a-long shirt and expecting it to actually work and not be a joke. Link for reference. https://www.pinterest.com/pin/390054017700324399/

I think at the core, it's trying to mold oneself to a standard and fit into it that creates the conflict. I want to seek security in right vs wrong, wanted vs unwanted and I need roll models and celebrities to help me imagine how this is supposed to be. 

Like most people have both an angel and a devil whispering in their ear, I have Ramana Maharshi and Dita Von Teese whispering in my ear and I am both.

Progression is the real interest, the rise to fame, the overcoming, the development. Progression only occurs when one realizes that they want to reinvent themselves, which is only possible when you realize that you are not what you imagine yourself to be and are willing to let go of your view of yourself. 

The key to success is also the realization of the complete and utter impossibility of what one seeks to achieve by becoming. Rich, beautiful, enlightened, happy, spiritual. They will never be attained, there is no one to attain them, and therefore, the possibilities of them are more possible than you could ever imagine. So let your imagination reign wild. 

 

Edited August 9, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Communication, money and creativity are all things that are intensely powerful, yet when questioned and looked for, are found to be intangible, non-existent. LOA manifestation and renunciation actually work seamlessly together for this very reason. 

We think there is something behind the communication, something holding up and deciding the value of the money, and someone behind the creativity. There isn't. 

I've realized I really want to improve my communication, and that my creativity is my communication. I've also realized that communication is a duality, that there are not two communicating. So to improve my communication, I need to stop imagining that there are two which isn't how it sounds and points more toward blockages in myself. Mostly, concerns of others judging me, when the judgement is only and actually coming from myself. I'm hoping to circumvent the self judgment around making my videos by understanding that that uncomfortable energy is really a desire for better communication. 

I've also been really enjoying my business having recently healed my problem of finding it meaningless. It seems to beautifully connect with everything I'm creating and I found this incredibly source of inspiration that ties together so many things I've been wanting. Surprise, surprise, there's no conflict. 

I do feel that there is at times. I feel incredibly frustrated with my kids and just want to have uninterpreted blocks of time to focus so bad. My days are a dream, I'm surrounded by so many things I love that I even come in and freak out because it's overwhelming.  Funny when examined, not so funny when you're in "do" mode. 

The past couple nights I've had a "oh shit I'm not here and there's just this" feeling. It comes up frequently in the day too. The feeling only comes because there's someone realizing there's no ground and feeling like they have substance and are free falling. It's another funny thing when examined, because it's always been like this. Or else I could say, there's no always and it's never been quite like this ever before. 

 

[mandyjw]

 So I've been whimsical AF lately. I ripped off this weird closet door that I was going to paint white. It's cut at an angle so it looks cool anyway. I ordered a vintage lion door pull and stained the whole thing really dark colored last night. I'm going paint trees on it after I poly it and add in a subtle partially hidden owl and a moon on it.

I got an antique gingerbread pendulum clock really cheap off ebay. I've wanted one forever. The seller didn't know if it would run or not. It came in a  Frankenstein box taped together with brown tape everywhere and shipped in old newspapers and an old bath towel from a Florida retirement home. I took it out and it immediately starts going really fast, and even gongs on the hour. The very top wooden decoration part is broken off so I'm carving an owl at some point out of oak to replace it with. And at some point learning about the mechanisms of antique clocks. At the top is the loves me, loves me not daisy. And on the glass door there are gold butterflies. 

It's so fantastically creepy and beautiful. I like to imagine that antique things and old houses are full of their own ephemeral life and spirit, like I like to imagine that myself and others are too. 

It's all completely groundless.

Timeless.

 

 

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

The more I realize this song is Truth with a capital T the more people compliment me on my authenticity. 

Also femininity is huge on my mind right now. And the message of this song is something I'll journal about later. If you're reading don't read into it. 

I have something weird going on where talking is healing to me, but I have to have the intent of healing someone else, or talking about some existential truth, not just the intent of healing for me. What's up with that? 

[mandyjw]

Whose shadow is it anyway? 

[mandyjw]

Impulse to youtube search The Cathedrals, the music of which I was "indoctrinated" with very young. All the top results have "He" in them. 

Oh wait no. I'm blaming people again. That was me leaving the T out of the. Goddamn it! I wrote "He". There's no one to blame anything on anymore! Goddamn it! 

Intuition, you tricked me! Oh I'm so embarrassed. I'm the monster at the end of this book. 

I just remembered that I saw a starfish monster with light for eyes in a cloud that was blocking the sun while swimming today. Then saw another cute monster in something or other. 

[mandyjw]

Shooting this video and the new inspiration I've found over the past couple of weeks have been eye opening. I think I turn my gender into an excuse for discrediting myself in feeling and thought. Male/female duality is an interesting one to collapse. (That's what she said.) 

 

[mandyjw]

I'm using the different aspects of my life to "bounce" inspiration off. When one ball falls, I throw the other up in the air. A lot of art is knowing when to delve in and when to set it aside and forget it until you can look at it with fresh eyes. Too much focus on my business which I have an income in gets lonely and tiring, and it feels awesome to create something that connects language and make videos. After too much focus on youtube and it feels awesome to shut the fuck up and create visual art. Same deal with family, the house, etc.

I feel as if my scatter-brained ADD mind is becoming a super power. I thought it was a problem I had to control. 

[mandyjw]

I can't remember when but a while ago I became aware and somewhat humorously entertained by the fact that I make wild expectations, or expectations in general... completely unconsciously. Where do they come from?

"Well this is not what I expected!" 

"What were you expecting?" 

"Fucked if I know, but not this." 

Trying to control the thoughts you're conscious of is like carefully locking your doors at night and then climbing in bed with a serial killer. 

[mandyjw]

Ugh! Perception is such a bitch. Perhaps I am the bitch? Hmm... I read into everything.

Maybe I don't. Maybe that's the illusion. I must be stable in order for me to be able to see someone's photo and feel disgust one time, look at the same photo and feel perfect love another, and something else completely new another. There must be a memory and a stable I to mark and notice that change, there must be an observer behind the perception. To read a forum post and the same words on separate occasions and read an entirely different meaning each time.

I feel uncomfortable sensations in my stomach and feel the need to distract... myself. From what?

[mandyjw]

Started feeling down and knew I needed to take a break from working, which I've been doing a lot of lately. Went to Dr.P's and brought along an old project I made years ago and was excited about and had some sort of symbolic meaning which later tied in to Dr.P's. I learned the irony last year that he had a huge Rebecca at the Well statue fountain yet had a massive problem getting a well or water where his mansion was built. The project is a kind of water vessel with flowers blooming inside. I had the intent of leaving it there, on intuition. I went down by the stream that flows behind the cemetery and filled it with water. I got there and couldn't decide what direction to go in. I heard a loud crash in the woods, something falling from a tree. So I went to the biggest old apple tree and left the vessel in the tree. Found a fresh gold/green apple on the ground, from another tree. The big tree bears later. Ate it and it tasted great. I explored the blame (what, reading this over i wrote blame, and it's supposed to be place. I don't even have auto correct.)place  top to bottom last year, going there often. This year I've been much busier with "real life." 

I could have a fairly booming business if I marketed my memorial products. But I don't know if I want to do that, especially with the kids still fairly young. There's nothing about working with human and pet cremains that bothers me, except the stress of the responsibility, the sending through the mail on something irreplaceable and the lack of creative freedom in doing just special orders. 

Anyway before I got to Dr.P's I made the intention that I wanted to find something awesome and I let it he intention go because I've gone there "searching" so many times for some revival of the initial discovery there, and played that game many times. I felt better there, just killing time in the woods, noticing things, sort of fantasizing yet being still with nature never ceases to bring out emotion in a way that it can be processed and felt rather than suffered. 

I walked home and on the way thought to check the free book box again. In it right on top in the place where the "Vanish with the Rose" was on the last time was this. 

https://www.amazon.com/Beyond-Consciousness-Spirituality-Steven-Harrison/dp/1591810132/ref=sr_1_5?dchild=1&keywords=beyond+consciousness+steven+harrison&qid=1597618772&s=books&sr=1-5

this,

https://www.amazon.com/Creating-Health-Honoring-Womens-Wisdom/dp/1564553035/ref=tmm_abk_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1597621883&sr=1-16

And a box full of really high conciousness talks. On tape. Mostly focused on healing for women but with more general spiritual teachings too. Guess I'm buying a cassette player. I was wanting something to listen to that didn't take internet since sometimes it goes out when I'm working. It happened to me this morning actually. 

Some of the titles in there, The Body Tells the Truth: Cellular Life Stories Ilana Rubenfield

Margot Anand - The Seven Rhthyms of Love and The Power of Sexual Ecstasy  Spicy

A bunch of stuff on healing. A total treasure trove. On cassette tape.  In a plastic storage bin free book box in a tiny country town. 

 

Just about this time, about 9 or 10 years ago, I felt this place was out of some sort of fairy tale. That didn't seem logical so I didn't believe that of course but I felt it and it inspired some story ideas. One time this time of year an apple tree broke off and someone had already graphitti painted "Forever" on a pole behind it. The broken tree bore apples anyway even though it seemed impossible, and in behind in the background was the word forever. It made quite a picture. 

I just reread my entry AGAIN, and noticed the blame "mistake" again. The tree of life, and the blame. That's why I accidentally typed the word blame. 

Of course. 

My mother read to my kids today the story of the garden of eden out of an old children's bible today. My daughter's middle name is Eden.

"Have they heard it before?" She asked.

"I don't think so." I wondered if I wanted them to hear it.  Adam was lonely so God created Eve. That part struck a cord. Am I just here for men's entertainment?

On 8/14/2020 at 8:17 PM, mandyjw said:

The more I realize this song is Truth with a capital T the more people compliment me on my authenticity. 

Also femininity is huge on my mind right now. And the message of this song is something I'll journal about later. If you're reading don't read into it. 

I have something weird going on where talking is healing to me, but I have to have the intent of healing someone else, or talking about some existential truth, not just the intent of healing for me. What's up with that? 

Huh. 

 

Entertain comes from the juxtaposition of French entre which comes from Latin Inter both words meaning 'together, or among', and Latin tenere, which means 'to hold'. So, literally, entertain means to 'hold or support together'.

 

 

Edited August 17, 2020 by mandyjw