Just Imagine

[mandyjw]

@zeroISinfinity Ha more crow synchronicity.

Weird energy today. 

Went and hiked and saw a lot of things reminding me of just what i needed to be reminded of just when I needed it. I wrote a kid's story awhile ago about a crow who thinks she is bad and has an epiphany when she sees one of her black feathers, and notices that the quill is white. 

There were two crow feathers dropped right in the middle of the trail in two different spots. 

If you go down in the woods today you're sure of a big surprise

If you go down in the woods today you'd better go in disguise

 

Discovered Christine McConnell today on youtube. So inspired by someone who creates the kind of life she wants and is passionate about, even if it seems very impractical and sometimes silly. 

 

 

 

Edited July 18, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

I've tricked myself into allowing myself to be a crazy (happy) bitch. 

 

[mandyjw]

I made a video yesterday. It's weird how almost every time I hike that trail whether I make a video or not it's a trip. I really, really, really wanted some chanterelle mushrooms but haven't found any yet, but there was a patch of them on the trail and I came back and sauteed them with some kale and carrots from the garden.

Today I worked on a new project and listened to a little more Jim Newman. He said that he feels that the teaching is about permission and even though I had heard that before it hit me and connected with a lot that I had been contemplating and feeling and an insight I had from making the video the day before. 

I'm always looking for permission to be ok, to be told I'm doing the right thing, looking for permission outside. The impulses to confess and the love for teachers, the hard parts of the relationships I've had working with people. The workaholism, the need to be debt free, be financially successful, the need for my art to sell quickly for me to enjoy doing it, the need to be thin, to be liked. The need to be "mindful" (...the fuck does that mean anyway?), the need to be enlightened, the need for other people to recognize this as such. 

I knew about survival and seeking security, but didn't realize that deep down what I was seeking was permission from Myself. I wanted permission both to be a somebody and permission to not have to be somebody. 

I wanted permission to go for my deepest and highest reaching dreams, to feel my most honest feelings and permission to let go of everything that is not the eternal now. I wanted permission to let go of the concept and "should" of the consciousness of the "eternal now" (...the fuck does that mean anyway?). 

Beware of taking so seriously words that start with  P E R, perspective, permission, perception, performance, perfection, they all require a person. 

 

Edited July 20, 2020 by mandyjw

[DrewNows]

8 hours ago, mandyjw said:

I wanted permission to go for my deepest and highest reaching dreams, to feel my most honest feelings and permission to let go of everything that is not the eternal now. I wanted permission to let go of the concept and "should" of the consciousness of the "eternal now" (...the fuck does that mean anyway?). 

 love it.

You are such a beautiful spirit guide (twin flame), if I told you all the shared synchronicities (experiences) you’d probably have a cow  

anyway, keep it up rockstar 

Edited July 21, 2020 by DrewNows

[mandyjw]

@DrewNows

 

[mandyjw]

"Why is a raven like a writing-desk?"

 

[mandyjw]

M: All experience is illusory, limited and temporal. Expect nothing from experience. Realization by itself is not an experience, though it may lead to a new dimension of experiences. Yet the new experiences, however interesting, are not more real than the old. Definitely realization is not a new experience. It is the discovery of the timeless factor in every experience. It is awareness, which makes experience possible. Just like in all the colours light is the colourless factor, so in every experience awareness is present, yet it is not an experience.

Q: If awareness is not an experience, how can it be realized?

M: Awareness is ever there. It need not be realized. Open the shutter of the mind, and it will be flooded with light.

 

 

Q: Are there levels of awareness?

M: There are levels in consciousness, but not in awareness. It is of one block, homogeneous. Its reflection in the mind is love and understanding. There are levels of clarity in understanding and intensity in love, but not in their source. The source is simple and single, but its gifts are infinite. Only do not take the gifts for the source. Realize yourself as the source and not as the river; that is all.

Q: I am the river too.

M: Of course, you are. As an ‘I am’ you are the river, flowing between the banks of the body. But you are also the source and the ocean and the clouds in the sky. Wherever there is life and consciousness, you are. Smaller than the smallest, bigger than the biggest, you are, while all else appears.

Jesus Christ this book... I can barely stand to read it. I love it and yet it makes me deeply uncomfortable and unfocused/focused at the same time. I always end up quoting shit here and writing my reactions out when I read it. 

Edited July 22, 2020 by mandyjw

[DrewNows]

3 hours ago, mandyjw said:

"Why is a raven like a writing-desk?"

 

 Beautiful things indeed, good stuff ?

do you make a distinction between imagination and co-creation? You spoke of everything being imagined 

[mandyjw]

@DrewNows Co-imagined. 

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

Hmm.. I've never really purposefully journaled to try to work through stuff, it just comes up. What is purposefully? I suppose I've been contemplating that lately.  I've been on such a great feeling spree, feel like I've hit a bit of a wall though.

I want big things. Pretty sure I'm holding myself back by thinking I'm bad and unworthy. The youtube videos I make highlight this. The judgmental feelings of myself they bring up and the anxiety posting them and reading comments can be a lot. A few weeks ago I was really excited about them. 

Just went to check, and there's a brand new SUPER mean comment. It's almost funny how quickly I'm getting what I'm focusing on right now. Reminds me of the time mom told me not to step over a fallen tree while skating and I put one foot over it and it went right through the ice. I don't even have to have the karma boomerang leave my hand to smack myself in the head with it. 

Hmm...

Fuuuuuuuuuuck. Sorry, this is a stream of consciousness flow now. I don't know why. Apple blossoms. Why do antique clocks make me feel so weird? Is ADD a gift? Streams of consciousness flow are bullshit. I don't even know what the fuck I'm conscious of, sure as hell can't write it all down. It's separating the mental voice from feelings, so everything that's thought has to come out in words, which isn't normally how I "think". Thoughts are thoughts and never separate, so I'm separating out my thoughts purposefully by doing a stream of consciousness flow. . Is that why talking to people helps? 

I feel like wanting an audience makes me a narcissist, and I feel like wanting to make money off spirituality makes me even worse than that. And that doesn't feel good, so obviously it's not true. Sometimes I feel like throwing the settlers of cattan cards of life in the air. I don't fuckin' wanna play anymore. 

I quit trying to be vegan and started eating meat again. Lost 7-8 pounds in three weeks and got my energy back. I was doing it for my consciousness. There is an energetic thing with it, I think. One of the last realizations the day I awakened was that of communion. "What did you have for lunch?" Nahm PMed me. Ground beef. I was barely eating, I lost a several pounds over the couple weeks leading up to it. 

"Cows are holy and that's why you must eat them." I wrote in that journal. Realization that I'm the devil. 666 post. 

What the fuck does that mean? Who knows. 

"You're a bitch, scam like all of them."  The youtube comment says. Well, at least I'm in good company. Incredible how that comment aligns with the thoughts I've been thinking. Today I was thinking about how if I was Eckhart Tolle I'd think I was a horrible speaker. But because I'm not he is perfect. 

Journaling never fails to satisfy. 

"All humor is self deprecating." I wrote that on the forum twice in the past 24 hours. Awful youtube comments are pretty hilarious when you remember why you wrote them for yourself. 

 

 

Edited July 23, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

City lights are flashing, they call you to the streets
Hearts are filled with passion in everyone you meet
The Boulevard is waiting, it wants to get you high
Neon signs are waiting to sell you anything you want to buy
But I know your devices, it shouldn't seem so odd
You lied from the beginning, I see through your facade

Angel of light, I see you glow in the night
But you only bring darkness to my soul
Angel of light, You're telling me wrong is right
I won't let you're evil take control

They follow in your footsteps not knowing that you fell
Bumper to bumper on the freeway to hell
You lead them into wrong and you make it look so right
You lead them into darkness and make them think you lead them into light
But I know where you're going, too bad you're not alone
If it wasn't for the real light I might have never known

You got the clergy working overtime to widen the narrow way
You've got politicians everywhere listening to what you say
You've got false apostles teaching lies perverting the only way
You've got principalities and powers waiting to obey
You've got philosophies and vain deceipts lying to deceive
You've got hate, and greed, ungodly lusts in the deadly web you weave
Somehow you've got so many thinking you're not even there
One look is all it takes to get them blinded by your glare

 

I programmed my brain with this song above as a kid.

 

This is my favorite at the moment, synchronicity is funny. 

You and me and all your inspiration my love
We lightning riders, we lightning riders, we're one
You and me and all the nah, nah, nah's in our lungs
We lightning riders, we lightning riders, we're one

I'm just blowing up, blowing up
These bridges behind me
Yeah, I'm just blowing up, blowing up
These bridges behind me
I'm just blowing up, blowing up
These bridges behind me
Yeah, I'm just blowing up, blowing up
And now I glow in the dark

 

[mandyjw]

Enlightenment seems to be about allowing the mystical and magical to bubble up and overtake you, then to have the wherewithal to kill it or look behind the curtain. The artist/creator knows the depths of pure magic that went into a painting as well as the utilitarian, practical nature of the paint and canvas better than anyone who just looks at the finished piece. 

[mandyjw]

So this one is a bit weird and sort of shows the more generally thought of as feminine side of spirituality. You're a living painting with a spectrum of color (duality) on a Snow White canvas (nonduality).

"Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" - I'm Wishing/One Song

 

 

 

[mandyjw]

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” -Theodore Roosevelt

 

"Not caring what people think is it's own kind of hustle." 

[mandyjw]

"Not caring what people think is it's own kind of hustle." 

Why?

Because I can't NOT care. Don't think about pink elephants.

Oh......Ohhhh.....!!!! Yes of course. 

Of course I don't have a soul, and neither does anyone else. Also I can never know victory nor defeat. 

I sometimes wonder if this youtube channel is going to be the death of me. 

Edited July 29, 2020 by mandyjw

[allislove]

@mandyjw congrats on 1k subscribers ???

Nice videos ?

 

[mandyjw]

@allislove Thanks, congrats on being a mod!!! Love the new look. 

[mandyjw]

Phew!

 

[mandyjw]

Yesterday something really strange happened that brought up a ton of uncomfortable feelings about money, relationships and spirituality. It goes much deeper than that, a sort of questioning everything and major insecurity, (rather the search for finding security that isn't there) comes up. There's a lot of confusion, and a lot of wanting answers and wanting to know, wanting to be able to trust, but again, I know those things can't be found by the mind. The way it happened was completely accidental but it's one of those accidents that leaves me questioning myself. I've always had this tendency to blame myself for accidents and mistakes immediately and psychologically own them. I've had freakish coincidental things happen in the past that happened because I was super scared of having them happen. 

I have no control. But I do. The controller is the controlled. 

I had a childhood where we didn't have much money and my parents worked a lot, but there was this feeling of transcendence in this, rather than much suffering. When I was 9 my parents had a well drilled, but until then they had a well that they had dug themselves. A few summers it would get really low and we had to ration water. We had what Dad called the "oh shit stick" that measured the amount of water in the well. If it was dry we would walk down to the well and measure it frequently. Bellow a certain mark, you said "oh shit." Everything was laughed off and embraced for the most part. Money was limited but not so much that we really suffered for it. 

My dad to this day has a transcendent love of work, he drives a dump truck from the 1980's and works construction all day sitting in it with no AC. His boss, the owner of the truck is a mechanic, so the truck is pieced together and kept running because he has the skills to do it. He bought a hood ornament for it, it's a silver owl. My dad absolutely loves the truck. He cleans it on his own time, and takes pride in it. It's not even his. Part of me thinks that dad is a loser for not having his own truck. Part of me thinks that he is wise. 

I suppose that wisdom cannot be attributed to anyone though. 

Owls have been coming up like crazy lately. In the Brene Brown talk, I noticed that she is wearing an owl necklace. 

The day before yesterday I visited my mother in law. She asked me to make some owl earrings. My in laws are wealthy. Stupid wealthy. Not stupid as in, really wealthy but stupid as in, see money, spend money stupid. I used to hate them for this but since discovering the law of attraction I've learned to appreciate it and recognize the beauty of the world they are creating. My father in law barely spoke to me, he was working on a new project, a stupidly expensive patio. It bothered me I wondered if he was mad at me. Today he is in the hospital with a kidney stone. Maybe that's why and it had nothing to do with me. 

I used the word stupid a lot, after talking about wisdom and owls. 

I suppose stupidity can't be attributed to anyone either. 

I just stopped to take away a stuffed lion my dog was chewing. It's a lion in a robe with a crown from my Grandmother's house. He completely chewed the crown on the lion's head and now it just looks like a lion standing around in his bathrobe. Kinda funny. 

I have this silver lion necklace I got when I was a kid. I envisioned God as a lion, and the Chronicles of Narnia fueled that and the fantasy/reality loss of duality quite a bit, I recognize now. If anything big or scary was happening in my life I'd wear the lion necklace. I wore it when I got married, I wore it countless other times. After awakening I thought I needed to get rid of it. I left it at Dr.P's but unlike my favorite antique ring which disappeared immediately, taken by the crows who planted the poison nightshade that set of the chain of events, I tell myself. But the lion charm kept turning up. Then I put it on a leather cord and gave it to my husband. He wore it a while and forgot it. Yesterday I took it off the cord and wore it again. 

I don't know what this has to do with anything.

But after all, relationship and connection is duality, it's the beauty of the rainbow of colors caused by the separation of the light. It's wild and free, completely chaotic, it happens all on it's own. 

The lion charm broke right before the awakening, one of his legs came off. I told myself i didn't take care of my things well enough and blamed myself for it. Last night I dreamed my sister in law lost a leg. It was a horrible dream and I woke up in the night and felt awful. "Goddamn it Mandy, you ate too much chicken. That's why you have bad dreams. Spiritual people don't eat meat."

It only lasted a little while and I felt better again and went back to sleep. 

 

Edited August 1, 2020 by mandyjw