Just Imagine

[mandyjw]

Oh look, my favorite Lana Del Rey song from back then has 6.66 million views.

*Slaps hand* 

 

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

M: There can be no experience of the Absolute as it is beyond all experience. On the other hand, the self is the experiencing factor in every experience and thus, in a way, validates the multiplicity of experiences. The world may be full of things of great value, but if there is nobody to buy them, they have no price. The Absolute contains everything experienceable, but without the experiencer they are as nothing. That which makes the experience possible is the Absolute. That which makes it actual is the Self.

[mandyjw]

11 hours ago, mandyjw said:

The lengths and stories we go into to avoid feeling are incredible. And those stories aren't even fun or intriguing. They have a pull but it's not that. I don't even know what to call it. Suffering?

We're our own abusive lovers. When what feeling says isn't important to the mind so we beat it into submission. 

This was playing on the radio at an opportune moment today.  "
"Give me a sign......"

[mandyjw]

Me before awakening experience. "Chakras are BULLSHIT."

Me during awakening experience. "Why the fuck didn't anyone tell me about this, I'm an idiot. OMG they are real!! " 

Me after awakening experience. "OMG I think my heart chakra is blocked again, how can this be?"

Me long after awakening experience. "Chakras are bullshit." 

On 6/12/2020 at 8:53 AM, mandyjw said:

How were all these events seemingly over time possible? Because 666 has no meaning. When I thought it had no meaning, I was still giving it a meaning. 

Basically the whole awakening process is just a huge party celebrating my own personal idiocy. And I'm kinda into that. 

Edited June 13, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

 

[mandyjw]

The experience of here and there is a tension??? 

Ohh... suddenly something makes sense. 

 

"Blinding Lights" continues the story from the visual for "Heartless," which involved The Weeknd being on a psychedelic prowl after licking a frog. In that video, he lost touch with the world and found himself in increasingly strange events. By the time that "Blinding Lights" has rolled around, The Weeknd's trip has gone farther into unexplored territory."

http://www.mtv.com/news/3153297/the-weeknd-blinding-lights-video/

 

Edited June 14, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

How DARE YOU suggest that I'm still functioning as a self?! I've transcended that bullshit ages ago!!! 

Relationship, connection, here and there, together. to get her. All duality, tension.

"The false claim is that what's happening is not what's looked for." Jim Newman

"Begins with the misunderstanding that there is a real here, and that here can be known."

Edited June 15, 2020 by mandyjw

[DrewNows]

3 hours ago, mandyjw said:

How DARE YOU suggest that I'm still functioning as a self?! I've transcended that bullshit ages ago!!! 

 

I caught myself earlier doing this “I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I”  like a malfunctioning robot, the cashier looked at me like I was a boulder  or some kind of inanimate object, at least that was my interpretation of the masked face 

[mandyjw]

3 hours ago, DrewNows said:

 

I caught myself earlier doing this “I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I”  like a malfunctioning robot, the cashier looked at me like I was a boulder  or some kind of inanimate object, at least that was my interpretation of the masked face 

 

 

"You see if God forced you to relinquish all your dreams and fantasies and hallucinations, that wouldn't be very loving. You have to come to God, God won't come to you. " 

Well then. There's so much synchronicity and hilarity it almost seems like parroting or repetition, a joke I've heard too many times. I'm almost bored.

 

Edited June 15, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Synchronicity be cray cray but I'm still bored. I just remembered that Laura is the name of the female character in my book. My mom said she thought of calling me Laura, but decided to call me Amanda and I remembered that because I always wished she'd called me Laura instead. 

https://lauradoyle.org/blog/laws-of-attraction-in-relationships/

I AM a bitch! 

"2. Flip your complaint upside down.

Under every complaint is a hidden desire. What’s yours?"

I don't know how to answer that, LAURA.

 

 

[mandyjw]

"But you cannot run away from yourself. However far you go, you come back to yourself and to the need of understanding this point, which is as nothing and yet the source of everything."  -Nisargadatta Maharaj

Lately I've been dealing with being lonely off and on. It's interesting that there's a lot of self judgement and embarrassment around this. I feel like I should have been able to have a busier more lively life, or live somewhere different or have a different partner, be more successful, have more friends, etc. A lot of the plans I make to distract myself aren't available because of the pandemic. I can go into all kinds or reasons and stories about this.

Here's one, in the past, summer was an incredible but beautifully lonely time. My parents lived very secluded lives far away from civilization or the school I attended. Summer vacation was a time completely to myself. Trees, flowers, birds and my own fantasies were my only company. I've never really felt that again so strongly until now, because as an adult I have always been able to make plans to see people and do things.

Particularity I'm really interested in why I feel shame about being lonely. A lot of the things I'm driven to do and want are simply out of this alone feeling.

I think a lot of conflict between people just comes out of loneliness. I feel like we're so harsh on ourselves for being lonely, it's our fault or failure. So it feels just slightly better to blame other people for doing things that don't allow us to be with them or love them how we envision things should be.

What does nonduality say about being lonely? There aren't two. There's no you to be lonely, no you to want someone else. But it's happening out of wholeness. So should I be even more ashamed? Or maybe the loneliness is love itself? Love I didn't want to feel because I was too busy upholding my sense of separation? 

Confession, I'm lonely. 

On 6/12/2020 at 6:46 PM, mandyjw said:

This was playing on the radio at an opportune moment today.  "
"Give me a sign......"

My loneliness is killing me (and I)
I must confess I still believe (still believe)

Edited June 16, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

It was starting to hit me how empathetic the nature of my loneliness is. Abraham Hicks mentions that empathy above. Lazily misquoted but,  "We've never seen anyone drag someone else from the dark into the light, because when you go over there your light goes out too."

Sometimes I feel like I want to help people to avoid my own loneliness. If loneliness can't be owned, because it's a shared feeling, OR projected on another because it's a shared feeling, then how can a shared feeling that no one has be felt as loneliness? 

 

[mandyjw]

M: Nothing compels me. I do what needs doing. But you do so many unnecessary things. It is your refusal to examine that creates karma. It is the indifference to your own suffering that perpetuates it.

Q: Yes, it is true. What can put an end to this indifference?

M: The urge must come from within as a wave of detachment, or compassion.

I suffer because I want to. Sort of. There's no reason, it's what is meant by the term "unconsciousness". There's an impersonal contraction in the body, out of which arises the need to know, the feeling as if it knows. Then I keep telling myself the story in thought rather than going into the feeling directly. I feel as if I'm responsible for it. 

So, I *should* go into the feeling. No. No one cares. No one is responsible for it. 

1 hour ago, mandyjw said:

"We've never seen anyone drag someone else from the dark into the light, because when you go over there your light goes out too."

I am neither detached if I go into the feeling, nor compassionate (loving) of it. 

[DrewNows]

be good to her 

Excellent Abraham hicks video, connecting dots *feels good*

[mandyjw]

@DrewNows  Thanks, that's a good one.

 

I'm not sure why sunlight literally shining on things and really looking at them makes it obvious that I'm imagining my own drama. It's a ridiculous story that "I'm" eating green beans out of a bowl. What's happening is much more infinitely complicated simplicity than that, that it's not happening. 

Whatever green beans. You win. I'll play along with your evil games. I'll keep the charade going, just for you. I know how much it matters to them, I wouldn't want to freak them out or anything. 

 

M: Desire for the false and fear of the true. You, as the person, imagine that the Guru is interested in you as a person. Not at all. To him you are a nuisance and a hindrance to be done away with. He actually aims at your elimination as a factor in consciousness.

Q: If I am eliminated, what will remain?

M: Nothing will remain, all will remain. The sense of identity will remain, but no longer identification with a particular body. Being — awareness — love will shine in full splendour. Liberation is never of the person, it is always from the person.

[mandyjw]

Nisargadatta Maharaj, I love you. I passionately, deeply, deeply love you. I didn't expect it, and I know that's taboo and wildly inappropriate, but I won't tell anyone if you won't. It'll be our little secret, since neither of us really exist, I don't see a problem. You're name rang through my head like a bell until I started to read I Am That. You didn't even mean for it to be read like that. We weren't supposed to find each other like this, it's not even destiny, it's way more wild than even that. 

I wonder if I should be concerned at how easy it is for me to love dead men over the living ones. Nisargadatta is definitely not my first. There was Jesus, and C.S.Lewis, Dr.P. I'm sure it has absolutely nothing to do with my extra expectations of how living men should act and behave. 

On 6/15/2020 at 3:57 PM, mandyjw said:

"2. Flip your complaint upside down.

Under every complaint is a hidden desire. What’s yours?"

I am the most deeply, romantic person I know in my imagination, but in real life I am a cold-hearted, purely practical bitch. I don't believe in romance at all. 

10 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

Whatever green beans. You win. I'll play along with your evil games. I'll keep the charade going, just for you. I know how much it matters to them, I wouldn't want to freak them out or anything. 

It's hard to go on with life when you know what you know and green beans just... don't. I'm so glad I'm beyond projecting feelings on people and things. 

I have a feeling that I've revealed too much here. WHO gives a damn? No one. Is that a projection? Yes.

I can't watch movies. They are too well made, they make me passionately feel and want things. It's just awful. I can't play board games. I get so wrapped up them, it's just awful. I start to hate the people I'm playing with, might throw the cards across the room, who knows. Whoever thought I was compatible for life on earth made a mistake. It's not even a mistake. It's way more wild than even that. 

[mandyjw]

Of course my problem with love is only in what I think myself and others to be, and what I think of love itself. It can feel at times like giving up love, renunciating love. But love was always wild, never tamed, so it's not like you can free what was already free. You can only realize that you never owned it and what you thought you had was false. You never received it and never had it to give.

No one loves me.

I've never loved anyone. 

I noticed that there's another plant growing wild on Dr.P's grave, a bunch of daisies all in bloom.

He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.

How appropriate.

12 hours ago, mandyjw said:

 I didn't expect it, and I know that's taboo and wildly inappropriate, but I won't tell anyone if you won't. 

 

M: Neither ignorance nor illusion ever happened to you. Find the self to which you ascribe ignorance and illusion and your question will be answered. You talk as if you know the self and see it to be under the sway of ignorance and illusion. But, in fact, you do not know the self, nor are you aware of ignorance. By all means become aware — this will bring you to the self and you will realize that there is neither ignorance nor delusion in it. It is like saying: if there is sun, how can darkness be? As under a stone there will be darkness, however strong the sunlight, so in the shadow of the ‘I-am-the-body’ consciousness there must be ignorance and illusion.

 

Edited June 17, 2020 by mandyjw

[mandyjw]

Wow. I don't know that I know this stuff until I write it down! I mean I don't know it, really. 

16 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

"M: Neither ignorance nor illusion ever happened to you. Find the self to which you ascribe ignorance and illusion and your question will be answered." 

Writing is magic. Writing is wild.

So much of my suffering has come from thinking that I don't love other people enough, or that they don't love me enough.  Let go of the I who is trying to measure and just love remains. 

How fucking simple. 

How does loneliness fit in? It's both thinking that you don't love enough and aren't loved enough at the same time. I think that's why it's so sticky and so confusing. The mind can't settle on one problem and one solution, really, you've got both going together and it knows deep down that any solution it comes up with will fail. Of course, that also is what makes a lonely person so close to a breakthrough. 

Back to writing, I cannot write a thought and not have it be conscious. It's "spoken" by the voice in the head and then in front of my eyes to be fully and literally "seen". General feelings and thoughts are dragged out into the light where they cease to be spooks and are seen for what they are. Like sorting the wheat from the chaff. Of course, the thoughts occur as they are written, they don't come from anywhere, aren't actually stored anywhere waiting to be sorted. But the act of this focus destroys what seems to not be focused. 

[mandyjw]

1 hour ago, mandyjw said:

But the act of this focus destroys what seems to not be focused. 

It occurs to me that the focus of conscious breathing or any other way of "directly" experiencing the body works the same way (as I noticed with writing) with mind's incredibly subtle unconscious identification with the body.

 

Q: In love there must be duality, the lover and the beloved.

M: In love there is not the one even, how can there be two? Love is the refusal to separate, to make distinctions. Before you can think of unity, you must first create duality. When you truly love, you do not say: ‘I love you’; where there is mentation, there is duality.

 "I love you." = "Fuck off."  Loving attention to the body dissolves the body.