The Surrealness Of Reality

[Victor Mgazi]

Reality is beginning to feel more and more like a dream. The impermanent and illusory nature of reality is becoming a lot more clear now. Any possible integrations I could be making with this?

I've been practicing mindfulness meditation and been grounding myself in the present moment for quite some time now. And in these past months I've been noticing significant changes in my consciousness. It's been amazing, I've really come a long way. I'm more aware of myself and everything and everyone around me. It feels like most of my life I've been sleep walking... and it's only now that I'm becoming aware of what's been actually going on.

Reality is so dreamlike and it's starting to feel ridiculous. When I wake up from sleep it feels like I'm waking into another dream, because during sleep I'm almost always aware that I'm dreaming because of how impermanent things are in there but now this experience is beginning to expand on to the real world.. or what I imagined to be the real world. Rather than living my life I've been doing that less and observing it more. It's weird because I can't help but sort of feel outraged by this.

I feel outraged or cheated in a sense that if I was watching a dramatic performance but I'm not buying into the story because the acting isn't convincing then I can't help but feel robbed. But that's the feeling that I don't get because I wasn't expecting to feel like this knowing I'd become more conscious. I was expecting to feel something more.. I don't know, more uplifting. Like the kind of feeling you get when you watch a magic trick and then later on you realise by yourself how the magician tricked you. I thought I'd be feeling a more 'I'm winning' sort of feeling.

Why is this happening? Why do I feel that feeling you would get when you feel like complaining? It's not like I didn't know that this is what I was to achieve. This is very strange ?  Instead of feeling enlightened/awakened I feel something else which feels rather unsettling, it's as if I'm being constantly lied to and not only am I not buying it I'm also getting sick of it. This is very strange. Why is this happening? Should I be integrating somethings that I'm not and it's leading me to feel this way? Or should I be noticing something spiritual that I'm not noticing?

Nowadays I don't even feel like sleeping. I just want to sit down and look, observe the unfolding of things, watch just how what I'd known to be true was nothing but an illusion. I'm even seeing just how the mind keeps trying to get me to fall asleep again but I keep catching this and redirecting my focus and beholding reality's greatest secret.. it's all imaginary. 

Any thoughts? 

[traveler]

Sounds like detachment, not enlightenment. This work can become very heavy on the mind, so heavy that you find yourself only focusing on being "present." Thoughts are not your enemy, letting go of thoughts means letting them be. Notice there is no one thinking, they just appear. The ego is not the thoughts, the ego is the illusory entity that identifies with them. Notice when a thought says "the thoughts are trying to pull me back into the story" it's just a thought appearing. That thought has no power unless you believe it does. The frustration you feel likely comes from trying to understand what this is, what enlightenment is. You want to know you're enlightened, but enlightenment is freedom from knowing. Take it easy, stop analysing and notice nothing have to be a certain way to be what it is.

[Javfly33]

I am conscioussness experimenting myself. Conscioussness have infinite dreams, and I am one of it's dreams.

You are too, but "you" doesn't make much sense. Because there's no "you", just conscioussness.

It feels like a dream because it can't be anything else but imagination and creativity. LOL

[mandyjw]

34 minutes ago, Victor Mgazi said:

Why is this happening? Why do I feel that feeling you would get when you feel like complaining?

It's an indication of resistance. 

You are not just observing the dream, you're also creating it. There's no one outside you designing the dream for you to just sit back and observe passively, and there's also no you to have "control" over it either. The mind wants to claim that one of these scenarios is true or it flip flops between them. I suggest that you check out Abraham Hicks or Nahm's dreamboard thread.

 

[Victor Mgazi]

12 minutes ago, traveler said:

The frustration you feel likely comes from trying to understand what this is, what enlightenment is. You want to know you're enlightened,

Actually, it's not coming from trying to understand this, I'm done trying to understand this, I have no longer interest in understanding things. This feeling is just arising as I observe reality, with no thoughts preceding it. 

It's a feeling of disappointment rather than frustration, although it might slowly be leading to frustration. But even the term "disappointment" isn't quite capturing what I'm feeling. All I know is that as I'm sitting here and observing.. there is a dissatisfaction growing with in. I can't quite explain it but it's there, and only now when I'm trying to figure it out does it subside. 

It's weird. ?

[mandyjw]

44 minutes ago, Victor Mgazi said:

I feel outraged or cheated in a sense that if I was watching a dramatic performance but I'm not buying into the story because the acting isn't convincing then I can't help but feel robbed. But that's the feeling that I don't get because I wasn't expecting to feel like this knowing I'd become more conscious.

It's all an act, unavoidably. It's not actualized.org for nothing. (or maybe it is) The need to act authentically is the very thing that must be let go of before you actually can.  

 

[Victor Mgazi]

@Meta-Man but I do want Victor's world to end, that's the only way the real world can begin.

@Javfly33 yep, that is becoming clearer and clearer as I go. 

13 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

It's an indication of resistance. 

If so then why don't I feel like stopping, why do I feel like going on observing? It doesn't make sense that I want to watch this out until the very end if this is resistance. Although it is clear that ego has something to do with this but I'm not looking for something to hold accountable, I'm looking for the why this is happening and how if possible I.

18 minutes ago, mandyjw said:

I suggest that you check out Abraham Hicks or Nahm's dreamboard thread.

?

[traveler]

16 minutes ago, Victor Mgazi said:

Actually, it's not coming from trying to understand this, I'm done trying to understand this, I have no longer interest in understanding things. This feeling is just arising as I observe reality, with no thoughts preceding it. 

It's a feeling of disappointment rather than frustration, although it might slowly be leading to frustration. But even the term "disappointment" isn't quite capturing what I'm feeling. All I know is that as I'm sitting here and observing.. there is a dissatisfaction growing with in. I can't quite explain it but it's there, and only now when I'm trying to figure it out does it subside. 

It's weird. ?

Could be a subtle longing for this to be different. A wish for the feeling to go away, a resistance to what's happening, if that is the case, that is what is happening. The ego always seek better experiences, it always thinks the answer is in the next experience, it goes on without end.. If this feeling is present, it is what is. Remember there is no boundaries, its infinite, always complete, whatever arises is it. The ego is resistance to what is.

Edited April 13, 2020 by traveler

[The observer]

@Victor Mgazi sounds like depersonalisation and of course the cure is stimulation for example sports socialising sex and basically any thing that we usually label "low consciousness"

[mandyjw]

24 minutes ago, Victor Mgazi said:

 

If so then why don't I feel like stopping, why do I feel like going on observing? It doesn't make sense that I want to watch this out until the very end if this is resistance. Although it is clear that ego has something to do with this but I'm not looking for something to hold accountable, I'm looking for the why this is happening and how if possible I.

?

Watcher and the watched? Observer and observed? You and me, conversing? The words, the reader, the writer? Are they separate? 

[Victor Mgazi]

24 minutes ago, traveler said:

Could be a subtle longing for this to be different. A wish for the feeling to go away, a resistance to what's happening, if that is the case, that is what is happening. The ego always seek better experiences, it always thinks the answer is in the next experience, it goes on without end.. If this feeling is present, it is what is. Remember there is no boundaries, its infinite, always complete, whatever arises is it. The ego is resistance to what is.

You might be right, that makes sense. A subtle longing is what this could be.. hmm ?

@The observer

17 minutes ago, The observer said:

@Victor Mgazi sounds like depersonalisation and of course the cure is stimulation for example sports socialising sex and basically any thing that we usually label "low consciousness"

Yes, that could also be it. Because every time I engage with reality such as this feeling then and only then does it subside.

15 minutes ago, Meta-Man said:

No, you don’t. You will see soon enough.

Okay. 

[The observer]

5 minutes ago, Victor Mgazi said:

Yes, that could also be it. Because every time I engage with reality such as this feeling then and only then does it subside.

then perhaps theres a subtle judgement about these things in ur mind. i would investigate there b cuz that judgement could become an obstacle on ur integration process. make sure u love every thing and not demonise any part of urself. journaling can help too. gd luck mr. Victor 

Edited April 13, 2020 by The observer

[Nahm]

50 minutes ago, Meta-Man said:

No, you don’t. 

? 

[traveler]

36 minutes ago, Victor Mgazi said:

Yes, that could also be it. Because every time I engage with reality such as this feeling then and only then does it subside.

I wouldnt put a label on what is happening, especially not depersonalisation. I believed I had it once, it's a downward spiral.

[Nahm]

@Meta-Man You have outdone yourself on that one sir. 

“You can kill it indeed, but ain’t nobody shakin your hand for it.”

???

[LastThursday]

On 13/04/2020 at 1:42 PM, Victor Mgazi said:

I just want to sit down and look, observe the unfolding of things, watch just how what I'd known to be true was nothing but an illusion.

You should also observe your feelings of disappointment and frustration, they're also part of the illusion.

[Victor Mgazi]

I've decided not to investigate this feeling, and whatever is going on.. just let it be. I'm no longer giving my thoughts attention, that's what I had decided. So, I'll just be observing these feelings as they come and pass, regardless of how long they take to pass. 

The purpose of this thread was to learn whether or not I had to integrate. Since I'm not aware of that I'm going to carry on as I was and just observe. 

18 minutes ago, LastThursday said:

You should also observe your feelings of disappointment and frustration, they're also part of the illusion.

Yes

Thanks everyone for your input ?