Ego Backlash: Pretty sure Ex was cheating on me. Can't let go.

[Thought Art]

Hey, 

(I do a tonne of inner work in this area of my life. I am venting here because I am looking for people who can offer their advice. I am not looking for people to tell me I am wrong or something.)

So I was in a relationship with a girl. I fell super in love with her, we started a business. She is a reiki master, kundalini yoga teacher and graphic designer. We met at a time when I was still pretty early on in my personal growth journey. I find that as soon I get into relationships my heart starts to ache. I am pretty sure theres tonnes of scars and unprocessed emotional energy. Its like when I get into a relationship and I start to experience love its followed by extreme heart ache, paranoia the person is cheating on me (likely a mixture of projections because I cheated in the past), fear of abandonment, as well as extreme anger and frustration. 

I knew this girl was worth it and I thought that because she was a healer that I could work through this stuff. I tried I really did. I started doing the yoga she showed me, I dedicated entire journals to venting the paranoia and anger and distrust. I was honest with her. Also at this time fears that maybe I am a homosexual came up. But thats not right because if anything I am bisexual I just haven't been in a relationship with another male. 

 

Anyway in the end the pain was just too great. She was great and patient and understanding. We went on and off. She was literally okay if while we were dating I had sex with men if I wanted to. But, I wouldn't because I wasn't okay with her having sex with other people (she never said she would, she said she would not)

Anyway, we were on and off. I never stopped loving this girl but for whatever reason when we were together it was so painful. But when we were friends it was bearable. We pretty much spent every single day together because we were friends and we were working on a business together.

However, at some point even while we were dating she moved back in with her ex- boyfriend. She claimed he wasn't there and that he was just living at his parents (Bullshit). I have no idea if that is true or false.

 

Anyway, once were were 'friends' (I still loved her but I know I have work to do on myself and it was just too much for me) she finally "Got back with him" at some point and instead of telling me she started posting videos USING THE EQUIPMENT I LET HER to film them hanging out in the woods. And It was just fucking obvious she was hiding shit from me for a long time.

 

Long story short I find out she is with him, get super pissed because I had discovered she was lying and now I have no idea if she was cheating on me or what. 

The icing on the cake is now we work for the same non-profit, I have to write her cheques and she does all the graphic design. 

 

Overall the entire experience is full of tasty inner work, observing my neurotic patterns, immense suffering and discomfort etc etc. I've been pretty much over it the last few months. However, I have been doing Yoga and I think i am unblocking energy in me that has not been processed. 

Tonight I felt immense rage. IMMENSE. Luckily I have a great relationship with my boss, I was able to tell him I was deregulated (I also have ADHD which means I have trouble regulating strong emotions especially anger) I did a Warrior Flow Yoga. Recentered myself, and now I am writing this. I am going to begin some self inquiry and journaling, read and go to bed.

Thanks for reading, curious if you relate at all, have any books or advice. I already have read a lot on relationships, transference etc and I have books on my kindle I am working towards on my reading list for trust, self esteem etc.

OKAY!! 

[Surfingthewave]

@Thought Art I'm sorry you went through this experience. And that's what it is, an experience. 

You talk about rage, paranoia, distrust, anger, pain,  abandonmment, suffering. That's a lot of negative self talk.

What can you do to give yourself self love? Open up yourself to love, your amazingness, the beauty of life itself. If that means going solo for a while so be it. 

You talk about your sexuality, and my question would be have you explored this fully? As someone who has gone through something similar, attracting negative relationships can be part of this. You talk about the potential for you to be gay or bisexual, how does that feel for you, really,  truly feel, then go from there. I struggled with shame for many years and had to open myself to this and work with it to be able to let it go. 

Do what you need to do to clear your energies and find your soul's purpose. Feel it, really truly feel it. When you open yourself up to love, you will find it. Good luck my friend, you're on the path, just be aware of all the baggage you are carrying and find ways to let it go. 

Edited April 11, 2020 by Surfingthewave

[Elton]

@Thought Art have a relationship with another male and see how that works.