Spiral dynamics stage orange person on 200 ug lsd

[StarStruck]

I postponed this trip for almost a month to do spirituality work. To watch video's, read the books and do the practices. I watched all of Leo's spirituality videos. Today I took my 200 ug of LSD expecting no ego death or major enlightenment. I knew old shit was going to bubble: mostly childhood trauma. This is the stuff that is killing mood, since forever. It is my main obstacle for not being actualized, and all problems that stem from that such as procrastination, hopelessness, not feeling connected, loneliness and not enjoying life. LSD showed me I need to fix my relationship with my family so I can get some emotional support for fixing my personal and professional life. I know they are understanding and loving people but you really need to be stage yellow to get along with them. I'm kind of "forced" to do this because I don't really have a close group of friends or a girlfriend who can provide me emotional support. Currently doing an university course and trying to find full time job on the side. It is not easy and I need people to support me with my journey. The main lesson I got out of this trip was that I need to get my life fixed. My problem is that I didn't understand myself and what my purpose in this universe is.

Main insights I got:

• All humans are consciousness with various degrees of enlightenment
• Physical reality does not exist, we are just entities who interact with each other through our senses
• Every human is just a "seed" of consciousness that blossomed into a thoughts/emotions (identity).  A human has no influence on what he or she or it is going to be. It depends where the seed lands. For example: even my access to Actualized org depended on being born in a country with internet connection.
• Procrastination is highly linked to how you feel: it is the emotion that attracts you or distracts you from doing an activity
• I got some insights how humankind/the universe has grand overlapping interests, how countries got overlapping interests, how families got overlapping interests and how spiral dynamics got a role in that.  Life is just partnering up with people to realize the ultimate goal.
• I realized that all relationships are a give and take, including a child/parent relationship. I mean I wasn't asked to be put here. They spawned me so to say so I could continue their identity (thought of self)
• This trip also made clear that I cannot really do deep spiritual work before fixing my life: being self-sustained (having a steady income) and at least have a support group before I can move on into deep spiritual stuff.

If I understand it correctly enlightenment is just about aligning yourself with the universe. I don't know how much further mental gymnastics is going to bring me happiness. I don't think I can be happy if I chose not to have a wife and kids and become a zen master instead.  I remember Leo saying a person should go for the regular life if that makes him/her happy. In the last couple of months I was in conflict with myself about this. I want to get enlightened but there are all of these things in my life that I want to get done. I can let all of it go for the sake of enlightenment but then what?

At this moment I feel like a failed stage orange person (with some other shades). I'm kind of confused right now. Spirituality teachers such as Leo, Sadhuru, and Eckhart Tolle say that all problems solve itself when one becomes enlightened. Does this mean, when one becomes enlightened it will be easier to find a good job/good partner/good friends? Or does it mean when you become enlightened you don't need those things? It would be nice to be enlightened + have the good stuff in life.

This trip also made it painfully obvious that I just use enlightenment for personal gain and to get added advantage in the rat race game of life. My expectations for life is no where near the American dream. It is much more humble. Everybody is doing there best in life. Is enlightenment asking to be happy about nothing? I mean you first need to survive so you can't be happy with nothing (no food). And after that there are all the stages of Maslow's pyramid for human needs.

To wrap this up: the main lesson I got out of this trip is that enlightenment is about truth seeking but that I'm using enlightenment just as survival gimmick. Everything I'm doing is just for survival. The enlightenment teaching says I need to let everything go but I can't. I don't know how.

[StarStruck]

In retrospect this trap totally melted my perception of the world. I’m still a little depressed. I didn’t get the answers I wanted. The trip itself was easy to handle. I got stuck in couple of thought loops and I feel like I didn’t let go. In two weeks I will do another LSD trip but this time 400 ug. I might have build up some tolerance for the substance. It will be the last time I will take LSD for a while. Might switch to 5 meo. 

[Forestluv]

To me, it sounds like you are getting glimpses of personal transcendence, yet desire personal development and wellbeing. They are not mutually exclusive, yet it’s tricky to explore transcendence when a mind is immersed in personal constructs. . . . How can one immerse themself as being a movie character while simultaneously observing how movies are created?

In terms of SD, for someone centered at Orange, Turquoise-level revelations will get contextualized at their baseline Orange and might not be want they want. 

[StarStruck]

4 hours ago, Serotoninluv said:

To me, it sounds like you are getting glimpses of personal transcendence, yet desire personal development and wellbeing. They are not mutually exclusive, yet it’s tricky to explore transcendence when a mind is immersed in personal constructs. . . . How can one immerse themself as being a movie character while simultaneously observing how movies are created?

In terms of SD, for someone centered at Orange, Turquoise-level revelations will get contextualized at their baseline Orange and might not be want they want. 

Do you have any advice for my next trip?

[Forestluv]

18 hours ago, StarStruck said:

Do you have any advice for my next trip?

I would consider setting a genuine, humble intention and having it be the theme of the week prior to the trip.