Facing and Overcoming Devilry, Key issues and Strategy

[Milos Uzelac]

I just feel the need when writing this now, during this quarantine and curfew for the country that I live in till Monday and to be a part of some community, even virtual, where I can write openly about the dark undercurrents of my psyche and the needs that arise from it.  I can't confess these habits to anyone in irl, because I've recently started on the path shortly after the global outbreak, to try socialise and share with some people and to cultivate a persona in public in order to succeed in the long term, to gain some influence among people and to cultivate a friendship and down the path an eventual relationship, with girl I like and share similar personality traits and psychological issues - a very like minded soul, I think, by analysing here and interacting with her shortly this much in terms of her character that I sawed she display towards others and me. 

The Devilry in the post is the following, 1.) my emotional and neuro-physiological crutch for porn when facing anxiety regarding work or commitments that I have which I

2.) procrastinated on and got 3.) distracted on by listening what my mind lures me on with biased detected "higher and nobler thoughts" that arise from listening and watching intellectuals on YT, analytical news and videos that I am to predict the future geopolitical standoff that's possibly coming about as a result of the pandemics effect on global economic trends or reading articles in paper in other subjects that I have interest in, that I use as an emotional crutch to keep procrastinating on real and difficult faculty assignments and mind and writing work that are the only thing I have to do since I am unemployed, don't contribute in way to broader society, only to my relatives and live with and depend on my father still financially.

I developed as self and relationship destructive habit of a porn crutch when I ever I feel anxiety or heavy fatigue when I need to do actual work, over a period of a few years and this has was particularly harming to my still wish and perceived path in life career and social rolel, when I in January and February, before national emergency was declared here, failed to plow through and to commit studying two subjects for an exam in February (one I which almost completed 60% of needed for the exam and other did I was suppose to start after finishing the latter) and due to lack of, as I said it disciplining myself and commuting to it, feel for the need to dispel that constant anxiety to numbing myself to reality and to relationships with family relatives and the rest of the colleagues and friends on my faculty with a pornography binge. Now when I have to start finally doing the work, that I postponed and checking a heap emails and notification intrsuction messages by proffesors I fell through again, with an essay I need to write on which I am already late on and want just finish it so I can say to myself I finished something during this unique quarantine opportunity to just have a lot of free time to study and to get some points and get in contact with a professor with whom I have a exam and to learn more about her and focus primarily on her subject which is sociology of education in which I am most interested, of the ones that I have been exposed to, try and to commit to and do a masters degree.

I understand if it's tl;dr, I just want to get something and write into the void, my past life trajectory thoughts over the last few days. 

4.) I don't have an organizational day by day habit put in place (my father, who I depend on, live with is disrupting this due to his own personal problems, habitual and organizational issues as myself, and he has the need to talk to me a length about his maihaps and arguments with other people and I have a written consensus with him to put a stop with whatever I am doing and listen to him or he will get  offended severely and hysterical) and realistic and strategic plans, on how to step by step and day by day, complete and finnish all of these assignments and seminars that I have to write and put out till the end of May, I think, (I will correct myself If I am wrong.) 

5) This in and out liminal state of being formally a student and not having an money earning job and basically as it pertains to the work I have (haven't) accomplished and done last and this semestar on state college and the pension rights from my deceased mother's work years of receive (which I was eligible as her son to inherit at birth and will have as long as I am a state funded student and till I turn 25) that I receive monthly plus added with my father's good paying job as English and German langauge teacher in a private language school, mostly set up for people looking to learn a language and work abroad, because of the lack of opportunities for success here and general economic depravity for a lot of people. So I am almost in 7 month position now on more or less (I went on most classes in faculty in this semestar and completed some minor test and assignments) of leeching of, again more or less, the filled with students benefits state university system and avoiding to pass, till now, exams these two semestars,  and not implementing a work routine now during this pandemic and being late on assignments and to doing almost any day by day substantial study work and producing results which I have a commitment to send to my profesors, and now I am pat deadline on some of them, even still though the general consensus among them was they will accept them and I would get points for the grade, because of livelihood qnd work circumstances of some students that this crisis may have impacted on some less fortunate then me students. 

I feel bad for this perceived postponed future orientation job or student work parasiting and have since I am in this, I call it liminal state, the need to somehow avoid having to work a wage-earning manual labor job potentially in the summer or in autumn and to succeed and focus somehow of implementing a study habit, a knowledge base and giving and passing exams that I have, even though It is most likely given my current exam points that I want to continue to study sociology that I will have to finance myself and work a full-time job at the side. 

So to recap, biggest hurdles and issues, that caused me this mental breakdown today:

1)uncertain faculty studying future

2) procrastination and distraction anxiety from postponing and working on slowly an already past-deadline, first PP assignment then film essay. 

3)feeling like I am Labor leaching parasite and advantage taking opportunist  in irl when encountering and watching people that work a manual job and are focused and efficient at it, and when I didn't study or complete any study assignments att all during the day

4)going on a short porn binge tonight, because of an emotional and physiological crutch that I developed as bad ingrained habit now when facing mind, emotional and writing student work related anxiety and stress  off either exam uncertainty or being, because of procrastination and distraction pass deadline and trying to desperately catch up and earn some points I need for a higher grade by completing it, instead of starting to prepare and work on an past- deadline, though probably pardoned if past deadline, assignment that causes me anxiety and stress of not being able to after a week almost now being able to focus, work on it and finally complete it and send it to the professor via email to get that off my chest, due to distracting myself with corona virus news, social media chatting with colleagues and intellectuals on YT and procrastinating it on it causing me to feel like a parasite, weak and worthless, while working people around the world are losing jobs they committed to and worked on in third-world and first-world because of the systematic failure of the economy that this pandemic crisis caused. 

5) psychological and emotional fatigue that I feel after a 30 minute meditation or after physical labor when I have to study and tense and focus my mind and to think of rationally and adequately distributing and between time and results from writing and memory. 

I cant think of any other key issue now, I will add after I complete my set goal tommorow of  completing as much as possible or the whole prioritised assignments, seeing through the day other key personal commitment and habits hurdles and issues that I have, and will start to writing strategies and approaches of solving them most effectively and expediently within the frame of my work deadlines and current covering and results generating habits and capabilities.

In other words trying to assess as realistically as is possible for my mind of where I am at life, what are my concerete paths to my, still I think, vaguely defined goals and what I have to tommorow to start doing to set which to prioritise on fixing and overcoming, with as much as possible and realistic assessment and accepting emotions that come from that assessment and using them, as an indicator, where I need to keep pushing to feel better and lessen the chances of this breakdown happening again in this very good and rare growth opportunity in isolation with less external chores and commitments. 

Sorry if this tl;dr felt the need to write something down after this very unpleasant and resistance to it and heavily judged porn mastrubation numbing caused mental breakdown tonight that is a cyclical anxiety and stress coping habitual mechanism which I developed a crutch on and haven't put constant and adequate and attention consciousness committed and focused work on to overcome, lessen and eventually get over and fix and replace with a daily reading schedule which I feel a motivating wish for. 

[Milos Uzelac]

?Half-asleep Lucid dream of running for my life and being hunted by some rednecks with hunting rifles and shotguns. At 7:30 Am and 7:50Am my time zone. Fell into a short state of after, willing in the dream to wake up, out fear of "not dying in the dream" of what can I describe as a fluctuating visual-perceptive state, neuro-physiological state of not being sure if I am awake while seeing my room in a blur before me, while sensing that I am hyper-blinking  with my eyelids, unwillingly, and being in this fluctuating and cognitively unsure, state of self-perception or self-awareness, of whether I am dreaming or am I awake and actually seeing this before me. I will later in the day write some narrative details and descriptions of the dream, and move this post to a newly created Lucid dreaming related journal thread. 

Edited April 16, 2020 by Milos Uzelac

[zeroISinfinity]

Svaka čast. 

[Milos Uzelac]

@zeroISinfinity Thanks for the validating support of me in my present state and of my botched and unorderly sentence phrasing of expressing mu thoughts. Where are you from or your family originally and located now? (Trans: Hvala ti na podršci, odakle si ti ili tvoja porodica prvobitno poreklom i ako mogu da te pitam gde se sada nalaziš?). 

[zeroISinfinity]

Belgrade, Serbia. 

Dreamplace: Eugene, Oregon (God damn you Jed wanted Miami). 

[Milos Uzelac]

@zeroISinfinity Yes I feel glad that you're family had the resources to move abroad. I am of the opinion that the more an economicly developed and culturally diverse the country is there is a lot more opportunity for development also on an individual level. Plus from some basic sociological research that I know I inferred that conditions and opportunities for individual autonomy are much more open and easily accessible in independent states such as in the country like the U. S. where there are already good existing economic and cultural structures crafted for that intent and that existed for a longer time than other less developed countries. Ah Eugène just looked up some data about the city on Wikipedia, seems it's the birthplace of the Nike company, very popular as sneakers here as a material status symbol and group symbol here among the poorer, lower middle class and working class sectors of "suburban areas" of Belgrade. I live also in the capital in one of those suburban areas - Zemun. Eugène seems like a really well developed infrastructurally and bustling with new bussiness, dream place city ? from my first impression from Google maps. Is Jed your father or close family member if I may ask? ? And would you like to be in Miami more because of the climate, tourism or related business opportunities? 

[zeroISinfinity]

Miami cultural diversity, climate, some of my ? dreams to come true and all that. 

I do want to live in US. I do not know why? For some reason I want that, intuition or whatever. Just have that in my ❤️ somehow. 

Jed is codename for @Nahm. He said Eugene and I was exploring "green" places in US. really are very close to my ❤️ to be honest. I really like that.

Something that is similar to Vojvodina and yes Zemun where to find that type of culture and type of people like that in US. Have to research that. 

Edited April 19, 2020 by zeroISinfinity