What is this???

[Mindfang413]

I think im broken.

I know i feel emotions but its like they are disconnected from me. I can get a brief flash of anger but its like im not identified with it. Same with good feelings.

I find it hard to WANT or LIKE anything. I cant even enjoy relaxing, meditating or sleeping. Absolutely nothing. Even when i get a moment of mental peace, i focus on the feeling but i just feel so uncomfortable even existing and being able to observe this feeling im aware of. My ability to like something is gone. Its like i convinced myself liking things doesnt matter. And i cant even remember why i want to love things again. Its like the feeling doesnt appeal anymore. Im super aware these things are only experienced mentally and arnt tangible things and that confuses me even more. I think about it sooo much, regardless of what im doing because everything im doing lacks any meaning or substance. I dont know why i continue to live. I think about EMOTIONS so much. Its like i dont actually have them! And it just doesnt even appeal anymore to have them either. I feel entirely empty and detached, like its impossible to describe to you in words. Its like emotions dont actually exist or that i dont actually experience them and i cant LIKE having them, even the good ones. Im cut off them completely and i dont see the significance of feeling them again. I cant even understand why pain hurts. For example, i hit my hand on something earlier and it hurt but its like i cant understand what pain is and why i dont want to feel it? I focused on the feeling and its like it wasnt a part of my experiance, its just there. I think im disconnecting from experiance all together.

Whats really weird is before all this, i had many intense blissed out moments of enjoying life, i could look at a tree and grass and feel totally amazing. Now i look at that feeling i had then and i cant exactly say i want to be there again. I dont want anything.

Whenever i think im feeling something that could be even remotely positive, i cant feel it, and they lack substance or any value to me. The act of liking something in itself seems to be pointless to my experiance even though logically i know its "good" to experiance. Its like experiance itself means nothing to me. I think its part of the nihilism i had going on and its just gotten to this point.

Is this normal? Like, an actual phenomenon experianced by others? I dont even know whats going on. I keep telling myself i need to get back to normal, that maybe im just numb but i find it hard to want to. I am close to giving up.

[Heyyyyyy]

You are understanding determinism, there is nothing to fear. I have felt many of those things and you will soon be able to live with it in the background without it taking up all of your time. Or not, idk.

[Nahm]

10 hours ago, Mindfang413 said:

I think im broken.

You are what’s choosing to believe this.

The “you” which you’re thinking about, is an idea, not you. 

This is self referential thinking. It doesn’t feel good because it’s all false. There are not two of you. This can be very hard to see & realize if you have been repeating the belief which does not feel good over and over... and expecting to somehow feel good. Ultimately, your beliefs about fear & death are just, wrong, and humility is called for. You don’t really know what you think you know, but you haven’t realized how arrogance & humility work yet. I feel for ya and hope this is helpful, albeit not pleasant, to hear. If so, inspect why it’s unpleasant to hear, by inspecting your beliefs. This is what the whole forum is working with & on btw.. There’s nothing unique about you not inspecting your beliefs / how you are creating your suffering. 

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I know i feel emotions but its like they are disconnected from me. I can get a brief flash of anger but its like im not identified with it. Same with good feelings.

It’s because you’re free. Free to hold beliefs about yourself & reality which are not true and therefore don’t feel good to you - but you don’t have to. You can investigate and discover the truth. 

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I find it hard to WANT or LIKE anything. I cant even enjoy relaxing, meditating or sleeping.

Yes you can. Anyone can. YOu’re just holding beliefs about reality and how it works, which are not true. Trust the sensation in your body which tells you this, rather than tuning it out to uphold your beliefs. 

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Absolutely nothing.

Your belief of absolute nothing is a belief. You haven’t experienced it, you’re believing you have. Feeling tells you the truth about this - but then you’re believing something is wrong with you to disassociate from feeling too. Listen to it instead. Let go. 

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Even when i get a moment of mental peace, i focus on the feeling but i just feel so uncomfortable even existing and being able to observe this feeling im aware of.

“Observing” feeling ?  Feeling is feeling. Just, felt. Not observed. That’s a belief which is derived of the self referential thinking. You’re believing there is two; an observer, and feeling. There is not-two. This is another sneaky way of disassociating from feeling - by “being the observer” instead. Doesn’t feel good, because it’s not true.

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My ability to like something is gone.

No it isn’t. That’s not possible. It’s a belief being used to disassociate from feeling. 

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Its like i convinced myself liking things doesnt matter.

That’s self referential thinking. You are one. Look at your direct experience. There is not an I which convinced a myself. You’re only believing the thought, now, or you’re not, now. It is that simple and in plain sight. Write it down & inspect it until it ‘clicks’. Do the work rather than ruminating the same not-good-feeling beliefs over & over. 

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And i cant even remember why i want to love things again.

Feeling, of course. Fun, self discovery, and a million more pleasant experiences. But - if you believe “something’s wrong with you” or “you’re broken”, you’d have to let those beliefs go. Then you will be feeling clearly, and though you fear feeling now, what you find in being humble, honest & brave with yourself, is that the fear was unjustifiable. It was only a belief, a false belief, and feeling has only ever told you this, every single time you repeat the false beliefs about yourself. 

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Its like the feeling doesnt appeal anymore

You labeled it “broken”. This is like some calling something terrible, and then asking you “why don’t you wanna be with me?”. You’d be like, “uh...cause you’re calling me terrible names.” This is what you’re doing to yourself. Don’t have to though. When you choose to love yourself, everything changes. Don’t be afraid of crying, of releasing, of opening up, of journaling, talking to someone who loves you, who you trust. If you are, or have, keep doing that. 

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. Im super aware these things are only experienced mentally and arnt tangible things and that confuses me even more.

You’re not really aware of that at all. Looking at only this post that much is clear. Feeling is always telling you these beliefs about yourself are not true. There’s no reward for suffering, and it is never found in the outside world, only in one’s own persistently & insistence they are right, rather than admittance they are believing things which do not align with their inner being, with truth, with feeling. 

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I think about it sooo much, regardless of what im doing because everything im doing lacks any meaning or substance.

So do something of meaning & substance. Is a mediocre life what you really want? 

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I dont know why i continue to live.

It’s because you know you’re beliefs are just beliefs, and feeling tells you they’re not true. Intuition is telling you the truth. Humble on down and start letting go, and listening. Choose to. Let go. Let the body release. 

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I think about EMOTIONS so much. Its like i dont actually have them! 

Honestly, truth, indeed does set you free. You have - more precisely, are creating, emotions. Denial is like a band aid on cancer. Let go of the beliefs which are not serving you. You’re more free than you could ever imagine through the filter of the beliefs you’re holding. Don’t assess things while holding those beliefs. Let them go, then have a look around. 

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And it just doesnt even appeal anymore to have them either.

Read up and understand how you’re creating them. You don’t “have them”, you make them. If you don’t like how they are feeling, inspect the beliefs, release them, and create & expression sincere feeling rather than emotions; like passion, understanding, compassion, enthusiasm, eagerness, love, etc. 

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I feel entirely empty and detached, like its impossible to describe to you in words.

You’re describing it perfectly well in this post, just not willing to see it yet. Hang in there. You will, and it is wonderful. 

All there is, is Truth. If you hold beliefs which are not true, you’re definitely going to feel disconnected. But if your would just listen to the feeling, and maybe shout out “I’m completely wrong!” A few dozen times, you’d change your entire experience. 

Nobody can “jump in there” and do these things for you, no matter how much you suffer or recreate false beliefs and emotions. Acceptance of this is key. 

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Its like emotions dont actually exist or that i dont actually experience them and i cant LIKE having them, even the good ones.

That’s just a belief. There is no problem whatsoever. You’re just believing there is. Point to the problem “in the room”. Where is it? 

It’s that the thinking, and the beliefs, are not true. That’s all it is. You’re doing it. Don’t crucify the messenger. We both know this is true. One of us is admitting this, and therefore not suffering. Every one of us experiences loss. Not everyone assumes what they believe is the truth. That’s a painful thing to do. 

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Im cut off them completely and i dont see the significance of feeling them again.

That’s a belief. You can’t take feeling off. You can only pretend that’s true, and suffer for doing it. 

Don’t be afraid of feeling, of releasing. It’s not your fault. This is seen after letting go. It is not your fault. 

You’re pure innocence and Goodness at the very core, the truth, of you. You’re just holding all these beliefs, these veils, these filters upon who you really are. You don’t have to. Consider watching Straight Outta Compton today. For realz. You need a dose of how to not give a fuck and live your way. This is your life. It’s not about resolving it with other life’s. A tough lesson to learn indeed, but it is true. 

There is zero suffering of any kind in the afterlife btw. Also, when we think of those who have passed on, when we think of the best of them - they are resent. Within the room within us, assisting, guiding us, loving us, wanting us to let go, and simply enjoy this moment as it is. 

When we hold belief to the contrary of this - we separate ourselves from them. When we deny our unconditional love for this very moment, we can not connect with those who are swimming in it, loving it, trying to share it with us in each and every moment. 

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I cant even understand why pain hurts. For example, i hit my hand on something earlier and it hurt but its like i cant understand what pain is and why i dont want to feel it? I focused on the feeling and its like it wasnt a part of my experiance, its just there. I think im disconnecting from experiance all together.

That’s just using thinking about pain & suffering together, to pretend you don’t know the difference. Let the thinking go. You’re tricking and fooling yourself with your own beliefs. There is pain, there is loss, there is mourning...but the mental anguish of suffering is difference. It is an arrogance which can be seen through and dispelled. In that same vein, all pain can be transcended too, but only in love, as that’s literally what it is. Can’t think about it though, gotta love yourself, and everything, and every one. 

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Whats really weird is before all this, i had many intense blissed out moments of enjoying life, i could look at a tree and grass and feel totally amazing.

You have the power & freedom to do that right now. Instead you’re focusing on precisely what feels terrible to you. Let go. This miracle of life never stopped. You created and are holding many beliefs which are not true. Seriously, have someone slap you hard across the face. Someone trustworthy of course. Not being sarcastic. It works. Odds are, every relationship in your life has been “slapping you across the face” for a while now, but you’re not hearing them. A slap across the face is much more readily heard. You got a brother or sister I could talk to about this? Trust me, she’d be down with it. ?

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Now i look at that feeling i had then and i cant exactly say i want to be there again. I dont want anything.

Yeah ya do. Every one does without exception. That love ca not be “arrived at” though, it IS, and is felt & known by letting falsities, beliefs that are not true and don’t feel good, go. 

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Whenever i think im feeling something that could be even remotely positive, i cant feel it, and they lack substance or any value to me. The act of liking something in itself seems to be pointless to my experiance even though logically i know its "good" to experiance. Its like experiance itself means nothing to me. I think its part of the nihilism i had going on and its just gotten to this point.

You’re mistaking thoughts and beliefs, for feeling. Logic is logic. Feeling is feeling. Pretending otherwise is suffering. 

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Is this normal? Like, an actual phenomenon experianced by others? I dont even know whats going on. I keep telling myself i need to get back to normal, that maybe im just numb but i find it hard to want to. I am close to giving up.

You gotta choose to love yourself in thought, in allowing feeling, and in your actions and choices. No one can do it for you. I have someone you could talk to, today even, who experienced the “same” loss, and about the exact same age. Just say the word. Love you, only wanting the best for you. Bout to meditate and beam some reiki your way. Hope you let it in. ??

“What is this?”

It’s love. This is the Truth. Reality is made of love. It is pure magic, love is magic. 

??

This is what he realizes, of relationships, of living, of life, in this song...yes, it is total Madness, but it is indeed love. 

[alchemizt]

Is your breathing shallow? Do you feel like you're suffocating sometimes? Have you tried psychedelics like mushrooms while in this state? I been in a place of numbness for quite a while too and I see what happens when it gets stronger or when it loosens up. In my case it seems to be lack of self love and feelings of unworthiness that triggers me to shit down emotionally. Inner body meditation really helps me with this, as do self love affirmations. 

This affirmation "I DEEPLY LOVE AND ACCEPT MYSELF" it really does magical things and the more I focus my intention to love myself, the more I find reasons to love myself and the more I naturally respond and act in a way that I move into accordance with the intention. I shut down emotionally when I think about how unacceptable I am and judge myself harshly and constantly.

The inner body meditation is interesting to practice in this state cuz the first thing that happens is I start breathing really deeply. Good feelings start to emerge out of nowhere for no reason, all this energy starts to rise. It gives me the ability to handle strong emotions when they do surface

Edited April 10, 2020 by alchemizt