First time taking mushrooms together with my wife, leading to ridiculous Godhood

[Kazman]

Me and my wife were gonna do mushrooms. The kids were away for the night and for the next morning as well which is rare for us, so it was a good window for consciousness to enter our lives. 

My original plan was for her to take a medium dose and for me to take a very light dose, so that I could sort of tune into her experience but still be fairly normal and take care of her.  

My idea of what was going to play out was something like this:  

I would re-connect with being, something I always enjoy, she would finally deal with a lot of fucking trauma and issues and neurosis that I think she's avoiding to deal with, there would be some tears but then things would get fun again and then as we had cleared ourselves we would have hot psychedelic sex, something I've always fantasized about but never experienced. Our love life has been really dry lately because of kids, careers and nasty arguments, so I saw this as the perfect remedy.  

The whole thing played out very differently. 

I prepared the mushroom tea. Around 3 grams of dried mushrooms for her and a little less than 2 grams for me. She was just finishing up some work in our home office. I gave her the cup with the brew so she could sip away as she was finishing her work. Last time she tried some it took over an hour before she noticed any effects so this time she even dared to drink it as she was on the phone with her boss, which we laughed a lot at later. 

I sat down to practice slide guitar while drinking my mushroom tea. Usually I do shamanic breathing before tripping, I use tingsha bells to start the ceremony, I prepare myself mentally several days before, I am very clear about my intention etc. This was the most casual I've ever been about taking a trip.  

I was going through my usual routine of slide guitar exercises. I was starting to feel effects after having finished about half of my cup. Sometimes I would forget what exercise I was doing, then I would remember and continue, then I would start playing something new and random, patterns that I've never played before that just emerged. I enjoyed that, but I also started to feel very sad. 

My wife was supposed to just finish up her work quickly, but she got a really long call and looking at my watch I realized that almost an hour had passed. I worried that she wasn't going to drink any of the brew, that I was on my own without her, and I really wanted this to be something we would do together so I got really sad and felt stupid for starting by myself. A lot of our conflicts for the past months have been that we struggle to do things together and she always gets triggered to work more to make sure she remains a top performer at her job. This was making me really sad, so I sat there and embraced the sadness. I allowed it to speak its message to me. I knew that I was creating the sadness by telling myself this story of how my wife thought her work was more important than our relationship when actually, I didn't know what she was doing. 

My connection with being got stronger and I stopped playing guitar completely and started to meditate and focus at my third eye. After a while I heard her laughing and enter the room I was in. I thought she was laughing at me because I had been laughing a lot at my guitar playing as I was practicing, because, well, I was on drugs. 

I turned around and I saw her with her pants by her feet, stumbling around like frankenstein's monster or something and laughing at herself. She told me there was no toilet paper so she had to go and get some. She was clearly affected and I felt extremely happy. 

She said something like: "what did you do to me!? This is much stronger than last time. I feel really dizzy." 

She actually had an important presentation for the next day but I told her that we would just take a little break and chill in the couch until things calmed down for her. She had finished about half of her cup too, and she said she wasn't gonna have anymore. We looked at the trees outside the window and talked about how annoying it must be to be a tree. It takes so long to move. As you are thinking about going somewhere, it takes years for you to actually get there. I started talking to her about how it's sort of similar for us humans, our mind always rushes ahead. I felt quite affected by the mushrooms but she said that I was completely sober and that I should have more. I then finished my cup.  

I don't remember exactly what we talked about but we laughed a lot and joked around. It was really nice to laugh together, it's something we never do nowadays, at least not as whole-heartedly.  I wanted her to finish her brew but she didn't want to. I said that if she didn't finish it then I would, because mushrooms are very precious to me and I didn't want to waste a drop.  "And then you'll have to take care of ME" I said. She told me that now I seemed to be getting very affected and she didn't want me to have any more but I started finishing her brew regardless, and she helped me chew up some of the remaining forest friends.  

We lay there in the sofa and looked through the window and laughed a lot and the sunset was making the trees change color into a beautiful glowy red. Things got more intense for both of us. We started feeling cold so we put a blanket on top of ourselves, and we both felt like it was more powerful to close our eyes. As she started tripping more seriously, she started talking a lot more, like a constant stream of consciousness monologue that I was hardly able to take in or comprehend. She was clearly in a flow and enjoying it, and this talking remained constant for the rest of her trip.

What happened to me was that I got a vision of a big room with other beings in it, it looked a little like an Alex Grey painting. I felt like a lot of the sadness I carry came from that room. I've been wondering about why I get depressed sometimes, and the experience I got was that I'm sharing the sorrow of a group of higher beings, who mourn for the universe, something like that. This sadness of mine, in other words, isn't purely my own, it's a collective cosmic sadness that I am carrying together with other beings from another dimension. 

"Come back, what are you doing over there?" I heard my wife's voice say, and I realized I had sort of moved away from her and hidden my head under a pillow. I came back and I tried to tell her about my insight but I was already so affected that it was very difficult to speak. I had an awful feeling in my presence, I couldn't pinpoint it at first but as the trip went deeper I started to realize that I was remembering my learnings from my previous trip, where I had tapped into the highest states of consciousness that I've ever reached, a trip that had been extremely difficult for my ego. On that particular trip I had taken the ridiculous dosage of 10 grams, you can read all about it here. I never expected to get even close to that level this time, but it got just as real if not more, even though I had only taken something like 4 grams or so. My theory is that since I had already opened myself up to those higher states in a previous trip, it was a lot easier for me to just "get through the door" again.  

I remembered that I had imagined all of my life. That it wasn't real, it was an illusion. I remembered that there is no distinction between real and unreal, between sane and insane, and between me and anything else. Everything was a cosmic paradox where I had no control.  I told my wife that I remembered something and that I felt a lot of fear, I couldn't really explain why though. 

We decided to go upstairs to our bed, since it has more space than our sofa. At times I felt ecstatic, it wasn't only pure horror, me and my wife still laughed a lot together, but at times I lost all grip of reality and couldn't tell what was real and what was insanity, and that made me feel like I was going insane, and it scared me so much. I knew that I was God. My eyes were automatically drawn up towards my third eye and my tongue was out and doing all kinds of crazy shit, like Venom in spider man or Toungey in Kung Pow, lol. 

Earlier in the trip I had thought that maybe the mushrooms will show me something new, they might help me meditate better, or make me progress in developing some new kind of spiritual skill. Now I felt like pure white light from the heart of god shot right into my brain like a death star beam, I was blasted with pure nondual energy and I felt more powerful than anything I could have ever imagined. The power of realizing that I am God and that I can imagine whatever I want to be real, how could anything beat that? It's just so fucking ridiculously unbeatable. Before it happened I wouldn't even have been able to think of the existence of such an almightyness, and now I felt how the core of my being was being bombarded with this purest form of consciousness. I laughed and shook in the bed.  

I constantly found myself turning away from my wife which bothered me since I had seen this as a bonding thing. At times we connected, I tried to look at her and speak with her but I was just so overwhelmed by the levels of consciousness I was reaching, the downloads I was getting and the implications of it all. At one point I told her that I was shiva, haha, she said that it's so typical of men not to listen to women, and she told me that now is the time for women to rise. I said yeah sure, you can do that, it may be your time, but I'm just not very interested because I'm a man and I'm interested in man stuff. We were arguing but in a really sweet and teasing way, like, the loving way an old married couple sometimes complain at each other (we've been married for three years). I really felt a pure cosmic polarity between us, how we were embodying the divine masculine and the divine feminine, especially since at that time it was like I was the only man that existed and she was the only woman that existed. 

I don't remember too much from what happened up in the bed, I know we stayed under the sheets and giggled a lot, and we didn't have sex, we were way too affected, but after a while things started settling down. We both felt hungry but too affected to do anything about it. I started to ask her if she could bring me soup that I had prepared that was ready on the stove, she didn't want to. After I had asked her a couple of times we decided it was time for us both to go down to the kitchen and eat. 

In the kitchen I immediately sat down at a chair, very weak and unable to do much, I kept getting insights and I kept being amazed and fascinated by reality and getting lost in it. She heated some pizza leftovers, made me some sandwiches because she didn't like the look of the soup I had prepared. Then she sat down on the opposite side of the table and we talked to each other. She said something about our kids and I looked at her and said: "You are all my children."  She said: "Stop talking as if you were God" but I couldn't. It was amazing to realize this. As I was talking to her, I saw how I was creating all of reality. I saw how it, in this very moment, was being created by me, upheld by my divine magic, as a perfect illusion. Like a white shimmer at the edges of my visual field. My wife was talking about this report that she needed to get done tomorrow morning for work, and "how could I have done this to her, how could she finish it in this state", but I couldn't care less about it, because I saw that I was just imaginig all of this, and I had created her and her report. 

I don't remember all of our conversation but she said she was disappointed in God, he was basically a self-centered wise-cracking guy who laughed in her face constantly. She asked if I had any wisdom to share with the World. I thought for a moment and then I told her: 

"You can tell them...  The one who is asking the question and the one who answers is the same person. They ARE what they SEEK. They are me. the beginning and the end." "That doesn't mean anything," she said. 

"Tell them that ANYTHING can become ANYTHING at ANYTIME." It was so clear and amazing to me that I was a field of pure potentiality, that time was an illusion, everything could happen at anytime at my will, the will of the All, and did so too. I told her there was nothing else outside of me. Nothing else but this, and I knew it was real, and it was so amazing to see that so clearly. This was some friggin' Christ consciousness level shit. 

All of this amused me and amazed me a lot and I enjoyed it. Occassionally I got back into seeing that my entire life was something that I had just imagined, I could see how the kitchen I was in could morph into the kitchen in my mom's appartment when I was young, and that as soon as I stopped looking at a part of the kitchen, that part ceased to exist. All the memories I had and all the people I cared about were illusions, they didn't exist at all. My kids didn't exist, my mom didn't exist. I could see how it was all just a game I had played on my self to make me forget that I am God, and that was the most horrifying thing to my ego. What was the point of trying to grow myself spiritually, what was the point of trying to help people, what was the point of trying to master slide guitar? It was all just me fooling myself that I'm not God. That's ALL IT IS. God has been doing this for so long, for eternity. Well, what the fuck am I supposed to do with that info!? Nothing I guess, there is no ego to do anything anyway, but you know, that's kind of hard to accept... 

I kept repeating to myself, and also to my wife: "I will forget this. I will forget that I am creating everything..." And I really looked forward to it, because seeing through the illusion was too painful and scary. I just had to wait it out. 

I stood up in the kitchen and looked at myself in the kitchen window reflection. I kept thinking about how nice it would be to fall back asleep, to forget all of these horrible truths, and then the most scary insight of them all came to me: this wasn't just a trip. This was absolute truth. I, as God, had the power to end all of reality as my Ego knew it in this instant. It could've been over at my command then and there, and it wouldn't matter at all. It's so weird to me that I could be so aware of all of these things while my ego was still so attached to my life as I knew it. I wasn't done here on Earth.  

I thought to myself: "maybe now I will finally understand advanced spiritual concepts, like 'void' and 'nothingness'" but those phrases didn't resonate at all. Instead, what I saw was that I had created all of this reality for my ego, a reality that was complete with things the ego understood and also things the ego didn't understand, but even if the ego would understand the concepts it didn't understand, it was all just part of the illusion I had created to fool myself that I'm not God. And if some Zen master came to me and tried to correct me, that's just more content in the illusion! All ideas of spiritual authority had turned ridiculous, all ideas that there was anything I didn't "grasp" were ridiculous. I was God and what could be greater? Nothing! Allahu Akbar. All those things the ego didn't understand simply existed in the illusion as clues that I am God. If I take anything with me from this trip, I think it's this. External reality is bullshit. There is no other experiencing things from another point of view. It's all me. There can be no authority. I can't unsee that.  

At a point my wife went to the bathroom and I walked around at the lower floor in our house. I looked into the kitchen and felt absolutely lonely. Time froze for a while and I realized that this silent, empty and lonely kitchen was very close to my true nature. My wife entered the kitchen and I freaked out because I could see that she didn't exist. She left the kitchen again and I saw how there was no difference between the empty kitchen and the one she was in. It was the scariest thing, although I struggle to put it into words more accurately than this. I just desperately wanted some other person to really exist, I desperately wanted my life to be real, but I knew it wasn't.

Three hours or so had passed. At this point she was more or less back to normal and while I was a little more solid than before, I still had a LOT to ponder. We went back to the sofa. She wanted to watch a movie, I just wanted to hug her and close my eyes, so I did. I got an inner image of the shape of a human who is meditating, and I saw how that is somehow the shape of all of existence.  

I realized that spiritual progress is just different degrees of remembering that I'm fooling myself that I'm not God, an all powerful being that has the power to create any kind of reality it wants. I could understand why visualizations are so powerful, and the key to magic and manifestation. It's because everything is imaginary! Our own imagination and creativity are tiny embryos of the divine imagination of the creator. They are our engines for continously transforming ourselves into what we decide ourselves to be, and our means to co-create our immediate surroundings and also the entire megalocosmos. 

I saw that any kind of spiritual powers come from imagining ourselves to be of a lower degree of forgetting that we are God in the illusion. Through these means, any kind of miracles are possible. 

So there you have it. And all I wanted was to get some pussy, and I still fucking need some.  

It's crazy that mushrooms can do this. It's impossible, and yet it is true. The only explanation I can give is that I as God made it all up, and mushrooms were a symbol in this particular reality that I as God created that bings the people in this illusion back to remembrance.  

Or maybe I just watched too many Actualized-vids too shortly before I tripped balls and now I'm ridiculously deluded. You know, I would kind of prefer that explanation, honestly, but I don't fucking now.  I don't fucking know.

[OBEler]

Wow hope you and your wife are ok. Hm sounds like you are really watching too much Leo Videos. You use his same terminology. But something does not fit right when I read your report. Was this a Bad Trip for you? Do you still think your wife does not exist? 

 

[Kazman]

@OBEler we are definitely okay, better than before. Thanks for your consideration.

i use a lot of Leo terminology because it’s really accurate and good. I have a lot of other sources too on my path and especially during this experience I felt there were definitely some new flavours that surprised me, they felt completely fresh and new and went above and beyond trying to recreate something somebody else said.

this trip was definitely not a joyride, it had ups and downs, but I would prefer to say that it transcended good and bad, and if I had to pick I would call it a good trip. I know and trust that the downloads I receive will help me.

Me and my experience of the external world is totally back to normal since I woke up the morning after the trip. I do not experience the feeling that my wife doesn’t exist, but this is the second time I’ve experienced that as a higher truth, so intellectually I know to a small extent that nothing exists.