Intuitive Shadow + SD Work + Emotional Mastery + working towards Alpha personality

[Aquarius]

I will not stop working on it when it's good enough. I stop when it's perfect.

I want my family to be proud of me. Being a good child. I will do everything I have in my power to please them.

But in the same time I will have to do it without letting them know I do it.. so in secret.

Because my family has a history of over-praising me. I talked about my family history in my previous post. And yeah, don't get me wrong.. I like praise, but it's not what I strive for in the first place. I strive to be a good child to them and a decent human being in general.

Today I cleaned the kitchen and I did it with much greater precision than they do. My family makes everything with perfect precision, but I have more perspicacity, so I can work more thoroughly.

I will not tell them I did it. When they get home, I hope they notice. But I don't expect them to praise me, even if they will. And I know they will.

When they praise me, I won't be overly narcissistic about it. I will thank them and then move on with my life and with whatever I have to do for the day. I have lots of work to do, so I won't let some praise allow me to procrastinate further, and how deserving I would be of the praise won't change the fact that I still have tons of work to do. Cleaning a kitchen is not a big accomplishment even if it looks much better now. Compared to what I want to accomplish it's nothing.

An alpha person won't stop when things are good or even very good. The alpha will strive for utter perfection.

Even if they don't observe, I am happy I could do great service to my family by cleaning and organizing the kitchen. It also looks aesthetically pleasing for the eyes, so it makes me feel more comfortable about being around.

I still have a shitton of work to do for it to be in perfect condition, but am looking forward to see the outcome of my future work. ?

[Aquarius]

Some of my passions are art, singing, dancing and coaching/giving advice, speaking.

I want to make all of these into my life purposes. I love so many things that it's literally difficult to choose what I like. Because everything has beauty in it. But I will choose 3 main..

 

 

 

 

Coaching/Active listening

I like to help people out by either giving them advice or asking the right questions. I love psychology, and I always wanted to be a psychologist. Later on I found out that what I was wanting to do has more to do with coaching and entrepreneurial work and owning a business than with psychology. 

I actually volunteer on a listening website when I can and have the energy. Lately I only shared my knowledge on actualized. 

If I want to be a good coach I have to take myself seriously too. If I have to make people realize their problems and help them in solving them.. then it's out of question that I need to have at least a decent graded high school diploma. 

I mean I can't believe it's been 5 years almost since I finished school, and I still procrastinate. I really have to take this stuff seriously. 

I like mathematics, but there's a lot of work and it's boring to learn alone. But if I want something important, I am willing to sacrifice my time for it. And that's what I'm going to teach my clients too in the future, that sacrifies is key, in any form, time, money, fun... if you want the big cheese you're going to have to work for it in a disciplined way.

I will try to make at least 3 math exercises every day.

 

 

Speaking/Podcasting

I am working on a podcast, but right now there is nothing finished about it, I'm just investing in myself to be the one people are going to listen to. It's going to turn out very well! 

I practice speaking in front of the laptop, I just didn't have time these days. I have a few decent recordings. I will try to speak more, I have to get used to speaking 1/2 - 1 hours every day. Then increase it up to 5 hours. 

 

 

Digital art

I have to draw every day. At least 1 or 2 drawings. I won't beat myself up if I skip like a day or two, I just need a better work ethic and more discipline in my work. 

I will sell commissions, custom character designs, nsfw art (gore and nude art), and original characters. My art will have a neon aesthetic.

I want to be a professional in that domain, but not only in art, I also am interested in the other two domains mentioned above. 

 

Singing and dancing are more like a hobby. I would really love to make a song covers YouTube channels though  

 

 

So in recap:

To be a coach I have to first solve all my problems or most of my blocks in life that are preventing me to be better than my highest potential.

To be a speaker I have to practice daily in front of a computer or mirror.

To be a professional artist I have to make 1-5 very good to excellent artworks daily, consistently, persistently with no excuses, with my focus on details.

Now let's get to work.

Edited October 21, 2020 by Aquarius

[Aquarius]

I will post my art business/freelance related things to my art career and daily artwork journal from now on.

I have some notes from a while back I wanted to post

So here they go..

"I'm worrying about my grandmother's health. She has problems with her spine but she keeps forcing her back, she keeps pushing herself to the limit. I don't like that mentality.. sometimes you have to stop and smell the roses. And at other times you need to know where to stop before you cripple yourself. ?

I told her not to force her back. She keeps bouncing like a ball around the house. She might just break her neck. I have to take care of her. But she's unstoppable, I swear! I will have to clean the home behind her back or while she sleeps. For that I have to be awake at 5. I usually am awake by that time (I have an excellent sleep schedule w00t), and after practicing my mantras I could clean every part of the house. Yasss!

Washing the halls. Disinfecting the doorknobs. Making order in the home.. folding clothes and washing dishes..

If I want to be an alpha personality, I also have to be a good leader. To become the head of the family. It's my duty in a sense, and my responsibily cause none others would do it. They are a mess.

Currently grandma is the head of the family, because she's the eldest. She is not doing the best job, maybe not even doing a too good job, but the important thing is that she takes the responsibility to care for us. And I love her and care for her too. Actually I care for my entire family.

------------

My mom thinks she has to be a kind of messiah to humanity, a saint, a hero.. I mean wtf does she think she is. ??? She thinks she has to solve the world's problems. Fine mom, you can try.. But remember that currently you are not in that position ?

I'm not judging my mom's good intentions but she has no idea about the world. Besides, her idea of saving the world is to indoctrinate everyone with a dogmatic low-vibe self-sacrificing point of view.

But she also genuinely wants to contribute to society. I could help her with that.. buy a laptop or a tablet and browse the we together on it. ☺ Teaching her technology and politics.. I could do this..
---------------

I let go of my materialism and the need to possess wealth. That's a good step from the SD Orange need to own riches to the SD Green acceptance, minimalism and simplicity. Not like I'm rich or anything but I'd rather have something good and expensive than many things that are cheap. And if I had a lot of money I'd probably donate the most of it to causes..

---------------

My mom thinks she has to explain herself all the time or else she is misunderstood. She is very insecure about herself. I try to gently guide her to the realization that people don't misunderstand things so easily because things don't work the way she thinks they work, or the way she needs them to work. Life is infinitely complex and I would like to help her understand that fact so that she can solve her problems and have a better experience of life than she has now.

------------

I am kinda borderline narcissistic and I can't help it ..? I notice this often throughout my day and in my interactions. I have to be careful of my behavior.. ._.    "

 

☺?☺?☺?

[Aquarius]

The fact that I can't seem to succeed at attracting my crush kinda bothers me. But I am working on improving my life so that I attract him. He is not easily impressed at all. He doesn't even reply to my messages.

He is the embodiment of perfection for me. I do see his flaws but in my eyes even his flaws seem like beautiful traits. I love his hairstyle even if it's kinda ugly and thinning. He smells of pheromones and is always visibly horny (I know this from observing his mannerisms). I don't like that he is so ruthless with everyone, neither do I like his psychological manipulations, but I do realize that if that changed then it wouldn't be him.. it's part of his character, a character that I love.

I could be the best person in the world and my crush still wouldn't like me. Maybe if I was prettier he would. But im stuck with a below average face and a mediocre body so how do I solve that? 

Once I confessed to him that I love him in the worst way possible and since then he ghosted me. That was 3 years ago. 

F*cc my life ?

If someone can give me life advice on this topic, please do.

[Aquarius]

I used to feel like I have a tick of intention.. not of body or thought.. I got a sudden uncontrollable intention to want to hurt loved ones or random people in general. I did not want to have these intentions/thoughts.. they came automatically and intrusively without me being able to control them at the moment. They obviously came from a deeper wound.

And the deeper wound was injustice. I wanted to destroy injustice subconsciously, so my subconscious mind projected injustice on people that were close to me .. thus the sudden thoughts and images of wanting to hurt them.

I, as a conscious self, don't want to hurt anyone. In fact I don't even want to hurt my enemies who would be deserving of it. Who am I to punish? Saturn is up there taking care! Besides.. I have no enemies ☺?

When realising I only want the injustice gone, I can contenplate what injustice the person has done to me that I am not consciously aware of yet. When realising the problem, I can work on forgiving them and even working together with them on our friendship, or relationship, or relating or other type of issues.

Currently my realization helps keep a calm mind. I don't consciously feel any injustice done to me right now, but I will try to introspect on the problem continually! ?

[Aquarius]

Same thing with ugliness as with justice.
If I see something I find ugly, I get an urge to destroy it, to attack it (to protect myself from it)

Evolutionally, what we percieve as ugly actually can cause harm to us.

Note to self: Learn to let go from protecting yourself all the time and embrace life, become strong in character and willpower. See through visual ugliness and reframe it into what it really is. Sometimes things really just... are.

[Aquarius]

So for about almost a week I stopped my daily Saturn mantra practice and also stopped doing shadow work, I wasn't really thinking much about anything "spiritual" in nature. Except for grieving for God, or rather, grieving my belief in a God-figure. Would this be the next step towards Orange on the Spiral? This time I'm allowing this grief to unfold. Last time it wasn't so easy. 

...I was barely 14. I lost belief in God and I cried a lot. I lost sleep, I lost my appetite, for food, and for life. Now at almost 23, finding myself in the same position, I prevail. I still cry before sleep, and cry in my silent hours in the night. I cry when no one sees me. Or rather, I shed a few silent tears.

Life is in a great mess, in a great chaotic state. Too much pressure from all sides.. I envision my tasks and responsibilities revolving around my physical body as moons of a planet. They're not me, they're not ME, but they're OF me, I am responsible for all those tasks, or else my reputation breaks. Reputation as a steady-working artist, as a great speaker, author, critic.. or even that of a good child or that of an individual that's spiritual and orderly. 

• When did it get to this point of this mess? How did I allow it? Why did I allow it? What did I allow exactly? 
• What needs to be done? In what order? When is it all "DONE" (/perfection achieved)?

 

I plan to continue integrating Hinduism into my belief system. I wonder how it will go with my current atheist views.. I got a book from a good friend when I was in times of spiritual crisis. Bless that man.. the book is great, I owe my friend at least to use the information for good, if not otherwise, then my own good for now. I didn't find time to read it.

• What takes up most of my time? What should take up most of my time? Why isn't it taking up most of my time if it should?
• What is important and urgent? What is urgent? What is unimportant? What is neither urgent nor important? (time management concept)
• How to find more time for reading? And how do I read effectively (read+integrate)?

 

I still haven't figured out why my last boyfriend left me (ghosted without any explanation). I was a good girlfriend this time and I did my best. The only reason could be my past as a repeated cheater / player (I worked on myself since and I decided to be either faithful, or to announce anything that I have in mind in time, and so I did, I'm all good this time), or his parents not allowing him to be with me, and him not wanting to give explanation to me to not hurt my feelings (seems reasonable).

 So I was a good girlfriend the whole time. I didn't cheat, and his parents not liking me is not my problem (it is but it's not something I can deal with / out of my control). I did my best to be the perfect girl and to serve all his needs. I'm clean. I was a good person up till now, romantically speaking. For almost half a year, I played fair. 

I did do a pretty big mistake back in October (after the relationship ended). I still fought for what's mine, or what I believed was/is mine. For some reason I am attached to this special someone. Is it karmic? Most likely. Do I handle it well? I have to answer a few key points to find out..

• Is being a lover a good idea? Does working on integrating my shadow side excuse me from being immoral at those times of working on myself/ finding myself / my own answers (assuming being a lover is immoral by society's terms)? Should one's sinister nature be lived out behind society's taboos, or even openly? Or repressed? Maybe finding a middle ground? (And will my answer to this question be my own opinion or what is expected for me to say (question reframed: survival of my identity as the light-/angel being vs. my voice/my truth)?) Am I still said person's lover, or was it a one-time misstep? (I need further information / clarification)
• Is fighting for what's "yours" an act of great love, or an act of blind attachment to a false promise?

Not sure if being brutally honest publicly about my complicated amorous life will lessen my credibility in other areas. (It shouldn't.) I'm going through a phase where I'm just questioning if this is what reality is about, or if I sowed the seeds of a terribly karmic future. And that brings the ultimate question:

• Am I being led, or leading myself? If I were to lead myself autonomously, where should I lead this relation? (end things, come to terms with current realities, find common ground, or something else?.. what's the solution?)

When I had one of my first relationships about 5 years ago, I was told that this is the nature of reality of modern adult romantic life. So does this make me a victim of that mentality, or am I a conscious maintainer of an ideology? Was it my choice, or was I dragged into this mentality? Where am I acting unconsciously?

These are all questions and meditations on emotional maturity. There's no point for me to make things prettier than they are. And I'm trying to be as objective as I can be here. In ethics and moral questions one's emotions might not be the right compass. Higher truth seems to be in the mind, of the mind, or towards a rational conclusion, you name it. Emotions may lead one to his/her destruction in many different ways, if one puts greater weight on the love, the union, or even the little play between the individual and the loved one, however innocent I could make ADULTERY sound, for f*ck's sake!!.  

The obvious answer: cut off the relation. It's all a mess, just give it up. It's unhealthy, sad, risky, and plain weird. You don't need that now, of all times!

Still, even while in the possession of the right answer, I will consider my questions for further meditation, as they're a great tool of self-knowledge. 

 

Further observation: emotions seem to be based on primary instincts. (Or is this just an Orange-ish assumption? Even if it is, does the assumption not have a kernel of truth? For me it seems obvious till this point)

I'm an instinctual being, and up to this point I was being led by unconscious instincts and urges to satisfy a deeper need that CAN and SHOULD have

SOLUTIONS OF A HIGHER GROUND ANALYSIS!

Ffffuh yess, I found my answer, Finally.

So the deeper a need is, the higher we go in trying to find a solution. Ugh, yess. How didn't I realize?

 

So happy for the new clarity of mind. I think this is my best post on the thread so far. For being so brutally honest, but also for going in the greater depths of a shallow-seeming problem that usually gets narrow-minded answer. I really out-did myself in shadow work today. 

Edited November 2, 2020 by Aquarius

[Aquarius]

6 minutes ago, Aquarius said:

• When did it get to this point of this mess?

I will first have to allow myself to be imperfect, however hard will that be. Only knowing I can be imperfect if I want to, if I allow it, only then will open possibilities to better myself towards perfection, never touching it, of course, just forever working towards it. The closer I am to it, the more things to consider, and it would be a smaller distance, but still similar to  adding further decimals to a periodic fraction. It never touches the wholeness/perfection, but nevertheless it's bettering itself. 

Does that mean I'll always be missing something? Not if I allow myself to be imperfect. But yes, if I always want something more. So in a sense, I'm a whole, but I'm not the whole I want to be, similarly like a 5 is a mediocre whole, but not a 10, and add the "decimal theory" I just made up, and then it will be a 5,(33333+3.....*infinite times), maybe better each time, maybe transcending itself to be a 6 through a miracle, but with obvious limitations, even if a 10, but numbers don't stop at 10.. and there's always someone ahead of you, if not by the millions, not just one person you have to win against, but everyone in the game of life! 

That is how the materialist/hedonistic paradigm works. It's never enough, and never be! (More money+more power,+more status ) * infinite

Equals?? .. The Rat-Race, of course!

"No matter how far you get, you're still a rat."  - some YouTube comment

 

 

Now with that in mind, I will tackle the first question: When did I get to this point of this mess?

And I'll answer with another question: Considering the above written thoughts and ideas, is all of this really a mess? If I allow myself to be imperfect, then.. Then I can do whatever and get wherever and it's still the right place to be!

"Wherever you go, there you are." - maybe a zen proverb? 

I am.. somewhere. Because I tried getting somewhere else, but I got here. I am here because I got myself here. Why here and not somewhere  else where I wanted to be? Because I didn't find out where I am in life in the first place, and didn't decide where I want to be. I just followed the "work harder and you'll get further" ideology. I didn't have a clear destination in mind. I was just going aimlessly somewhere, and I stopped here. I am here, in this mess, now, because I didn't plan. I got myself here unconsciously. 

So rethinking it.. wherever you go, go consciously, so when you are there, you know it's a desirable place to be in. 

 

When did I get to this point of this mess, again? When trying to get out of the mess. And HOW did I get to this point? By working blindly without a plan.

So I failed? Yes.

The enemy is not trying and failing, but not trying.

Experience or success, either is good in its own way. There's no bad experience, only more expertise, knowledge. It's like a study of the maze.. you learn what it is and what it is not. How it works, and how it does not work. So you'll keep trying. 

The road till success will form the character. The success will tell you if you're on the right path and the failure will tell you to try harder, do better, and go elsewhere because it wasn't the right direction. 

 

Failure is feedback, not punishment. 

Failure is jumping to a random point, or skipping the next inevitable point thus that leading to undesirable consequences. Success, however small is it, is staying on the right, straight road to the ultimate prize. From A to B, from B to C.. and so on, till your desired destination. 

There will be multiple trials in everyone's lives, sometimes you go straight to success, but other times you get distracted and jump to different random points in life, or even work hard for months without a clear direction or a clear goal to get that that random place where you don't even want to be. Or maybe the goal is unrealistic or too idealistic. Or like me, you work hard and blindly and hope to get success but that means you go from nowhere to again, nowhere. That's where I am. 

The problem is that I didn't analyze the situation and didn't plan ahead. I just got responsibilities on myself because of the dreams I had, but I did not have a clear, step-by-step road planned out. 

I accepted too much responsibility, too many tasks, and I wasn't able to deliver everything. I exhausted myself. So the solution should be prioritizing some things, and then to take it slow. Ah, now I see what Saturn is trying to teach....Slow and steady wins the race. 

I will have to sum up my goals and the obstacles that prevent me from reaching it yet. The work to be done, the obstacles to work through. Step by step, slow. Working on each step, each little chunk. Planning the future. Planning 5-10-20 years ahead... These come to mind.

And more.. can't think right now. The answers will come anyway when I'm ready to hear them. 

 

Maybe give myself some time to just relax and gain back my energy levels. Contemplate and meditate on it. Sleep on it. Think it through. Sleep some more. Relax. Till I need it, no time-frame. I will just rush it if I give myself x amount of time to gain back myself. I'm very frustrated with all the work that needs to be done. 

I think I will resume to careful study of the problems that lay ahead and planning for the next 2-3 months. I might do some work too, if I clear out obstacles creatively, but I will not be jumping to conclusions heroicly, like "Ah, I should study 10 hours of math every day for 7 months without a day off to be able to comprehend all!.." Nono.. I will plan, and then it will be easier, and faster. I will study the problem, then act on it. 

Math exam is just a problem. It's not my only problem.

 

I have other plans too, and dreams, responsibilities, NEEDS (which is a huge one..), aspirations, obstacles to face..also limitations (another huge one), and many others I cannot come up with right now, cause I need to analyze the whole human life's structure for that. It's a lot, really...

 

And every human has these things going on. Life is really complicated. And so much pressure on such a small human being. 

 

It would be good to teach this in school, about  how this maze works, and how the human machine works and how to perfect it to fit the maze. But it's all brainwash. Nobody ever taught me these things. I had to meditate to gain the insights. And there seems to be more and more things to tackle each day, each waking hour. 

So much to consider... I'll really need about 5 years at least to figure these all out, but I'll give myself 2-3 months, maybe up till my 23th birthday to figure out the basic structure of the road of my success. After that I'll get to work on the most urgent things, mainly that are linked to my survival needs, so that I can stabilize myself financially at least a little to then work towards what is worth working towards. Now I see what Leo meant by people meditating for 40 years and still not getting to their highest potential! And I'm giving myself 5 years! I always took those remarks from him lightly, but... There will need to be much discipline. 

And I don't even know what that is yet that I want to work towards. All I know is that is

1. beyond survival
2. not related to the rat-race but something of higher elevation

Both conclusions came from the meditation above. And the pat with survival, I just intuit it. I know, survival has to be maintained, so I exist??? lol?? so I can live to achieve whatever I will find worth achieving. 

Maybe im a lil confused about survival and all that it has to do with, I need to study it more deeply. Along with studying the maze, the human potential and the perfecting of the human machine. 

Yeah, I need some time to meditate and contemplate. And sleep on it, relax, sleep some more, work work work and think for long hours into the nights to come...

[Aquarius]

Umm.. I feel I went a little bit off on this thread. This thread was initially for emotional mastery work and shadow work, along with moving up the spiral and perfecting the alpha character. 

However, as I grow I will have similar posts to my previous one to this. Eventually, as I finish integrating my shadow and move higher on the stages of the SD model I will open a different thread with a new name for my further growth. It feels very limiting to not be able to change the title, but it is fitting anyway.. ((maybe as a subtitle)) ...It's just some posts really go too far from the initial plan for this thread.

This thread should be called:

Contemplations on The Human Potential and All The Work That Goes Into Perfecting The Machine (Part 1)

Subtitle - Intuitive Shadow Work + SD Work + Work Towards Emotional Mastery and The Alpha Personality

 

 I assume when I finish this, I will call my next thread  'Contemplations on The Human Potential and All The Work That Goes Into Perfecting The Machine (Part 2)'

Subtitle -  (((( Idk yet, whatever I will be working towards at that time.. ))))

 

I'm just trying to keep my journals orderly, ok?  

I failed so much at keeping order in my journals, both physical and non-physical , in the past.. oooffff ;-; 

Edited November 2, 2020 by Aquarius

[Aquarius]

So this last page summarized shortly

• I want to be a good hardworking child to my parents. (I'm an adult but you get my point...) I have to do this in silence and in secret. I have to keep both major and minor achievements secret from them. And work extra hard, help in the home etc. while also doing my own job as an artist, book critic, writer and podcast host. (don't think too highly of me after reading this, because I'm only starting most of these projects,,,..  soooo... )
• Coaching people online, digital art and podcasting are my main focus right now. But I'll also need to focus on reading books (I just ordered about 45 books and I have an extra 30 oldies waiting for me, *le sigh*)
• clean home early, do the dishes, clean room, do bed... etc. Take care of grandma's health, talk to mom about her emotional problems, be a supportive individual in the family, lead things into a better outcome
• Take care of my borderline narcissistic disorder not going out of hand.. possibly take minimal medication while accepting therapy options which are free or cheap, possibly talking to a friend, or group of friends. Idk, I keep feeling I am runing everything with my awkwardness and maniacal behavior ... : ///
• Find out why the fuuhh am I not attracting the right guys??? It's my fault, it's my fault, IT'S My FAuLtTtTtTtT, its my fault, its my faur;mrefmfenwdnkdwlc hhhhh : ///
• No more hurting-others-ocd-thoughts or intrusive thoughts, nowadays i only have spiritual or magickal thinking ocd, and even that just rarely
• To integrate Hinduism a bit more I should start to listen to more mantras, bhajans, aartis, shlokas and everything in between. I will focus on Brahma, Vishnu and Shiva, and their avatars. Also some main goddesses like Durga, Lakshmi and Saraswati. My main deity is Krishna :3
• Also continue reading the Bhagavad-ghita, Vedas and Upanishads, take notes, study it, read it multiple times...
• And wake up early to do my mantra practices. I'll do whatever is worshiped that day in the Hindu culture, plus the Karagre Vasate Lakshmi-mantra at 5.. for an hour, two, half an hour maybe if I cannot for more
• Working on my relationship-related integrity. And the shadow work around that.. yikes.
• Planning, meditating, contemplating the nature of reality, why I am here, what's my life purpose, etc.
• And journaling of course
• And working on a daily schedule, yes.

 

Now I won't be able to do these in a single day, obviously. I will work on each point when it's due time, but I cannot integrate it in a fraction of a minute,,  o b v i o u s l y. Even writing these down took me half an hour. Lots and lots of planning and work ahead. S i g h. 

Not even sure if I can do it myself or if I'll need a coach.. but ffs, I am a coach*** to many people, why do I need a coach at this point??

 

 

*** Self-proclaimed coach obviously, I don't have a professional title just some experience in the field. And, today's mantra:

* Expressing emotions freely is okay and healthy. *

[Aquarius]

So some basic schedule for now

 

Morning:

• Clean room / get clean and ready for the day
• Clean house / clean doorknobs / wash dishes / order and sort stuff
• Do my mantra practice 
• Work out
• Work on my art
• Go for a walk

Afternoon

• Podcasting / training my voice for podcasting
• Study math / literature /
• Self-help books
• Boooooooks <3 
• Studying other stuff like languages, coding, etc.

Night

• Coach some people
• Journal
• Watch Leo on YouTube
• Chat with friends 
• Advertize my art on social media
• Self-help apps and practices

 

This is fine.

Edited November 5, 2020 by Aquarius

[Aquarius]

So I went for a walk in nature today and I regenerated a lot. The only worrying thing is that I got bullied a lot on the streets, nasty looks, buri nazar, envy, anger, frustration.. I feel empathy and brotherly love towards these people. I hope they find what they really need as soon as possible.

I listened to some meditation music and I regenerated even more. But for some reason I realized God. And it was nice, because I dropped my BELIEF in God lately.... only to find myself opening my eyes see the real GOD.

Then I realized non-existence. Not the first time I do, but this time it lasted a couple seconds longer. I felt pure bliss, I closed my eyes and dissolved into it. It was peaceful.

This all happened in a few minutes after my meditation session.

 

Today I didn't really do much work or chores. I cleaned my room, and I took a shower this morning. I went outside and I made drawings. I did my mantra practices. But most of my work was spirituality related. And calling it work seems kinda wrong, because it was more like play.

I also got my books. And read a bit. I will now watch Leo's videos. 

[Aquarius]

So I did my morning routine today and I woke up at 4:30! Mantra, cleaning, getting ready, workout and art. 

I wasn't really in tune with the mantra. I think I was too sleepy and tired. I didn't sleep yesterday and today I only slept with a shitton of medications. 

I did some basic house cleaning and sanitizing the doorknobs and my phone. I didn't have time for the dishes though because some people kept messaging me and wanted to chat with me. I value strong friendships so I replied and talked for about an hour... uffffufufuufu im so busy : //// 1 hour on chat waaa..

I'm not too proud of my art either. I think today is a mediocre day, but I still made progress!

 

Today's affirmation: You're strong and proud of yourself. 

[Aquarius]

So I went in nature and been there for about .. I don't even know, 3, 4, 5 hours? I almost finished reading a book about metaphysical poems while sitting on the swing. I know, kinda childish, but I'm a wild child at heart haha

Then I randomly met my ex with his two colleges skipping work lol. So I joined them and made friends. I have a mini-crush on one of them 

They drove me home (I was freezing aaa thanks) and my ex kept holding my hand in the car.. as if reassuring me: "it will be ok... I am there for you"

And it wasn't in an adulterous way. There was nothing sexual or sensual about it. He just sensed I am wounded.

Thanks bro. 

 

When I got home I was relaxing. Still trying to get my energy levels right for studying mathematics for my exam.

I ordered some fancy cosmetics because I look like a guy to the point that it's not ok anymore. Yes, I'm a girl, you stalkers

jk jk I love being stalked

 

speaking of.... a guy is obsessed with me and keeps stalking me

and another guy lied he works at coca cola to impress me... BITCH I HAVE COCA COLA ON MY PROFILE PHOTO T-SHIRT IM SCREEEEAMINGGG HAHAHAHAHAH

 

#lifehappens

[Aquarius]

Oh, and some little boy was listening to music loudly in the park where I was working out, and it was like chyooda chyooda galatoosha CHEEKY BREEKY IV DAMKE  

blyaaaaaaaat 

Edited November 6, 2020 by Aquarius
edits

[Aquarius]

Leo cannot do anything about offline bullying even if he keeps this site safe.

Recently I posted a video of myself talking in front of my broken laptop. I have an accent. I have weird mannerims. I have a past with psychotic breakdown and several members on this forum witnessed it. It got ugly sometimes as I wasn't talking like what the norm was expected from me.

So one of you (and I kinda know who) posted a comment (not even watching my full video or caring about the knowledge I could offer of course, cause I am a crazy woman!!). A comment with a timestamp and with a link to a site, again I assume cause I didn't click it.. but

a site with horny girls. 

 

Now I'm not sure why did I deserve this shaming. Is it because I'm below average as looks? Is it my overly feminine mannerism combined with my overly masculine voice/haircut? Do you find that funny? To laugh at someone for being themselves? Dude you don't even have a profile pic! I set there for 45 minutes straight talking and giving my best. Yes, the result is not that great, but for me is another milestone and I am proud of my work. Because I put heart and soul in my work. And is.. something. 

Talking about my passions is something.. for me.

And you shat on my post. Yes you, shat on my video with a snarky comment referring to a link to a porn site.

Be proud of yourself. You made a (bad) joke. ???

[Aquarius]

Note to self: Maybe bullying is a harsh word to call it. But hey, I have my first hater already ? Means I'm doing something right.

[Aquarius]

Reminder to self: defensiveness is just an ego-survival mechanism. 

[Aquarius]

 

The video I was talking about.. enjoy!

[Zigzag Idiot]

12 hours ago, Aquarius said:

Note to self: Maybe bullying is a harsh word to call it. But hey, I have my first hater already ? Means I'm doing something right.