Unhealthy relationship and sexual confusion

[Feel The Present]

First of all i'm a 33 year old man. I'm healthy, i have everything i could wish for at hand. I'm privileged to live in The Netherlands. That being said i want to share something i struggle with for quite some time:

 

I grew up with a mom who was anxious and mad most of the time. I literally had to walk on my toes all the time so I wouldn’t upset her. At least, that was the feeling I had as a child.
I could always feel from a mile if my mother was in a good mood or not. Mostly she wasn’t in her best mood.
This not so best mood meant tension all over the house and also in my body.
The point I’m making is that I grew up with a lot of tension.
Tension is the opposite of relaxation.
Relaxation is a must for development; feeling comfortable, feeling loved, feeling normal, feeling safe etc.
I felt the opposite of those things most of the time.

For the most part of my life I never knew what I wanted with my life.
I literally wasted time at most schools I’ve been to. This was after my parents got divorced.
Looking back I was always in flight mode: listening to music, smoking weed (which I never enjoyed), using xtc on a regular basis (which I did enjoy ?), porn etc.

Fortunately there came a time that I wanted to take care of myself a little better.
This led to new interests. These interests led gradually to new studies. These studies led gradually to a new business (just started).

Unfortunately, I’ve probably never felt more insecure in some areas. Mainly social and sexual. This obviously leads to more insecurity in every part of your life.
I’m in a relationship for 4 years now and I think it’s never been a healthy one (we both agree on that).
We’ve made each other more insecure.
She loves me like no other person could do and it drives her crazy that I’m not capable of giving her the love she needs/wants.
I’m not capable because I’m all fed up with myself trying to feel better: exercise, reading, meditation, nature, healthy food, sleep etc.
This also makes me have difficulties enjoying ‘’less healthy’’ things like watching TV and eating unhealthy etc.
She on the other hand feels comfortable with herself already and doesn’t have that drive.
FYI she works her ass off, but isn’t that interested in self-actualization.

So I’m feeling restless all the time because I’m not feeling happy with myself.
She desperately needs some love which I can’t give due to my pretty egoistic state.
I think the downward spiral is an obvious one.

Now for the elephant in the room: the lack (or complete absence) of sex.
In the first months we’ve had great sex and did it sometimes multiple times a day.
Logically this started to decline, but it started to decline fast and to not so healthy numbers.
Now, we’ve had sex once in 2020 and we didn’t enjoy it. The cause of this problem lays within me.

I’ve never had a healthy relationship with my sexuality.
It started pretty weird in the beginning of my puberty where my best friend and I discovered porn on TV. This was exciting!
The very first time I had an ejaculation was with him watching porn. I obviously didn’t know what was happening.
Gradually by time it somehow got normal to put our dicks out and jerk off together.
We did this on a regular basis and this was for years my only sexual experience with someone else.
I’ve lost my virginity when I was 18 (to a girl) and when I was on xtc. Also no textbook stuff I guess.
I’ve had sex with lots of girls. Mostly one night stands.
I’ve never had sex with boys.
Also, I can’t imagine being gay.
I never look at a man like that. Sure, I can tell if he’s good looking but not in a sexual kind of way.

This whole history made me a bit confused.
I don’t know if I’ve ever enjoyed sex, but now it’s fear that’s taking over:
If I don’t enjoy sex with my girlfriend I must be gay, I must get hard, I have to come etc.
Obviously these thoughts are catastrophic for good intimacy.
This makes me want to avoid everything that’s slightly related to sex.
The consequence is that the ‘’I might be gay’’ thought strengthens.

I also jerk off in the shower from time to time thinking of having sex with another girl. Not once I’ve thought about having sex with my girlfriend.
My theory is that I associate her with negative things like guilt, anger and frustration blocking all the good emotions like laughter, excitement and safety.
I suggested to go on a break so we (at least I) could come back to our senses and maybe from there trying to change things (or quit).
If I look at her as a human being I couldn’t ask for more. She’s such a good person, really good looking, great body, socially strong, caring, funny, open minded.
I really would regret if I made the wrong choice here.
Also this is the first time I put real effort in saving this relationship.

 

I really need some objective opinions on this.
So, what’s your take on this?
What would you do in this situation?
Also, would it be wise to talk to a professional about my sexual insecurities?

[Preety_India]

 

 

• Cut out porn
• Imagine only your girlfriend 
• Establish intimacy with her and learn to love her. 
• Talk Insecurities out
• Give time for relationship to heal

 

4 years is a pretty long term. If things were bad for very long, the prospect for the future is not a good one. So if a downward spiral happens, that won't be surprising. 

You say that you associate her with anger. What's the bone of contention between the two of you? 

If apart from sex, there are other issues, typically emotional, then it's bad news. Best to take a 2 week break and or even 1 month if you need and reassess the relationship by addressing each issue or complaint. 

But just letting you know that your relationship pattern overall seems like it has run it's course and things are not looking good if you are not going to do something about it. 

If you think it's worth saving, then you should be able to make sacrifices and let go little bickerings or arguments here and there, if you think it's not worth any good, then the ball is in your court. 

 

[Heyyyyyy]

Dump her and get a sex-bot (I am not joking).

[h inandout]

This does sound confusing, and I empathize.  The first thing I notice is the acceptance.  This is big.  Yeah, of course, why would you not seek help about this!?  But then I look at myself, and I am terrified to even tell my therapist that I have sex at all.  This has a lot to do with my mom telling me to never date or have sex.  I also felt very tense and on eggshells growing up, and I think I have a strong super ego, so I am really sensitive to judgements, and am learning to be more consistent with not only my self-compassionate talk, but self-compassionate actions, like leaving work early today because I didn't feel good, which I could never have done in the past.  

I imagine your girlfriend would be supportive if you told her you are feeling in to your own sexual insecurities and doing to work of leaning into it and growing.  I really really really believe in non-violent communication, if you ever have 5 hours to listen to the online course.  Regularly stating your emotions out loud will help you start to authentically express who you are, your emotions are your personal truth right!?    Perhaps you don't have to state your emotions to your gf, but to a therapist that you trust?  Or even just more to yourself.  I am learning that a lot of our underlying unmet needs have to do with self-worth.  The more we can really genuinely stop in our suffering and send ourselves the message that we are looking for, the more we can feel it coming from all around us.  Messages like, "Self, I know this has been really hard.  Many people have experienced something like this.  May I be kind to myself in this moment. Yes, I am lovable and perfect, and I will be present with myself and treat myself well in this moment."

I think you are brilliant for trying to uncover your genuine self for yourself, removing your blockages to see what is hiding underneath.

[h inandout]

I am also having the question of "am I gay" come more from a place of fear of men than from actual excitement towards women.  I am pretty stumped about what to do except keep googling things, and be compassionate with myself while I melt into deeper awareness.  

Today my big realization was that I do indeed deserve respect.  I can simply ask for it when I am feeling needlessly hurt, and simply leave when the other person can't do something simple like say something nice to me after a long list of judgements.  Easy as that.  I don't have to wait for or tolerate bigger disrespects.

[anAna]

The purpose of relationships (of any kind) is to help us grow and we should treat them as such. Initial sexual attraction is necessary because that is what allows us to get together in order to experience (drama)/most contrast and, thus, grow. If both individuals are not evolving and only one does, as it is in your case, then such relationships usually fall apart. 

Of course, at any given moment, the other person mirrors our own self-love (or the lack thereof) and fears/insecurities back to us. Only when we "self-improve" - a.k.a. grow, the quality of the people and relationships we attract.

I am a woman but can relate to you in the "mother area" issues. I've done a lot of inner work and clearly see that it all is getting better. 

So I'd say that focusing on the inner journey is always the best (only) way to go... Focus on self-love/acceptance.

All in the outer reality will just follow to reflect the inner world... In this way, relationships are a great tool to gauge out inner (values, emotional, spiritual) levels.

Thank you for that much level of transparency and vulnerability shown in your post. Ready for a great shift. You're on the right track!

 

[DreamScape]

maybe its just because you feel unsafe, so you lose that connection when having sex as you gotta feel safe to feel love.

[universe]

On 8.4.2020 at 5:49 PM, Feel The Present said:

My theory is that I associate her with negative things like guilt, anger and frustration blocking all the good emotions like laughter, excitement and safety.

I think so, too. Also it sounds like you live together so you maybe started thinking about her in more unsexy ways (e.g. why did she put the dishes here and not in the dishwasher?). Basically you start thinking about her like you think about your friends, or mom or whatever.

If I was in your position I would focus on seeing her more in a romantic way, going on dinners, dressing up. Tease each other and be flirty. Do you have any fetish or sth you enjoy in bed? You should start there to get back into it. Talk to her about it. Be assuring that you find her sexy if she has low self-esteem. Sounds like she has quite the incentive to make things work. But could also be that you are just not into sex. If thats the case dont stress it but it might mean to find a different partner who is more compatible with that lifestyle.

[Hello from Russia]

Can you elaborate on what she is doing from day to day? How she works her ass off and why?

Edited April 27, 2020 by Hello from Russia

[h inandout]

@Feel The Present What has changed for you since April 8 when you posted this?  What has changed in your thoughts, feelings, actions?

Just reread your post, and was struck by the dissonance of "I don't feel safe or attracted when I am in a relationship with this person" and "she is clearly a good person"  Damn dude, I can understand your pain.

Edited April 28, 2020 by h inandout

[Wisebaxter]

On 08/04/2020 at 4:49 PM, Feel The Present said:

So I’m feeling restless all the time because I’m not feeling happy with myself.
She desperately needs some love which I can’t give due to my pretty egoistic state.
I think the downward spiral is an obvious one.

Can you locate a feeling of peace and relaxation in your experience, when you try? What would you say happiness feels like? Have you felt it before? You don't have to answer me directly, just saying, happiness can be located if we look, if we create it. 

The spiral only goes upwards brother. It might not feel like it sometimes of course. You are being moved into a place of deeper self love through being forced to sit lovingly with the parts of yourself you've had trouble accepting. Hear them out, offer them words of love. There's a voice that says this moment is not enough somehow. Give that love. Tell it that it's right. Allow everything you think to be right. This restores everything to divine perfection. 

You seem to have some fear around being gay, brought on by your early experience. I'd think you'd know if you were gay bro. You don't fancy guys, you said it yourself. You and your buddy were just experimenting. 

You're probably not enjoying sex because you have this fear lodged in your head that'll it means you're gay if you don't. That's distracting you. The key is to probably not give a damn if you are gay. Sure that could take some work, but it's possible. Also, you do find women attractive, right? Then you're at least bi

You didn't say why you think you're having less sex with your partner....

Ok this is what happened to me in my last relationship. See if any of it rings true. She reminds you of your pain, of your negative self image, because you perceive that she views you like that, that she sees you in that way now. She reflects back your pain to you. You feel kind of embarrassed to not be happy around her, like it's somehow shameful. She sees your vulnerability and it hurts you because men are taught they should be powerful. So being with her is increasing your shame. It like someone has a front row seat to your suffering. It's hard enough suffering alone but having an audience is brutal. 

Ask yourself if you'd honestly be happier single. The answer might be tough to bare, but your gut instinct will always be right. You might have too much history there now to repair things properly.

Would you want to start having sex with her every day again, if you could?

 

 

[Consept]

You might want to look into hocd, which is to do with having a fear of being gay. 

I think in general if you talk to a professional they'd be able to help you in this situation