What Should I Do With My Mother?

[Santiago]

Heeeeey this is Santiago, and in this post I will be writing how I feel and what I think about my mom... I will just throw whatever goes through my mind instantaneously even if it is horrible, this way I will be able to identify some of my own problems, as well as get a better feedback from you guys on what should I do with her. I also think that writing this could be cathartic.

A little bit of background: I'm from uruguay, 24 years old, my mom is 56 and my brother 29. We both(me and my bro) dislike our mother, we find her toxic and hard to deal with. She is going bankrupt soon and we will probably have to support her otherwise she is fucked up, but neither of us feels like she deserves support so this is a huge problem for us right now not only economically but also she is very negative in our lives, she just takes and takes from us in every aspect.

 

So here it goes:

My mom is a hypocrite, she says a lot of stuff but then doesn't act on it, she says she is strong, positive, brave but then she is weak, negative and coward. She says she is spiritual and elevated compared with other but she is actually full of horrible and toxic defects, she is manipulative, liar, depressive, judgmental, full of hatred.

 

What bothers me the most about my mom is that she is brainless, she gets in rough situations where she needs help to get out and it's all drama, for example when she divorced my dad some years ago she had his pension which was a good one by the way, she could live well with that money, but then she met a man a few months later and she accepted marrying him in the 1st date! Of course it was only words, but she did marry him 1 year later after only 6 months of living together (when all her life she told us that you have to live at least 4 years with a person before marrying because otherwise you won't really know them). Of course when marrying this man (who had a not very good income) she lost my dad's pension and depended completely on him(...). But then he resulted to be alcoholic and violent, so all the drama came along and this was the most stressful period of my life. She was living with him and me and my brother with my dad, but anyway the drama hit us hard when we found out about the situation, a couple times my mother called me and my brother, crying and asking for help because she had fear he would beat her up(I was 19 at this time). 
Of course she was also afraid to leave him because she depended finantially on him, she gave up her future for this man that she dated only 1 year and now he had her by the balls. Long story short, she managed to divorce after almost 4 painful years, luckly she had the house where they were living since she bought it with her divorce money. She then moved to a new house because she had debts to pay so she sold and bought a cheaper house and until now she has been eating her money because she doesn't work, she only rents a room she has next to the house and get a little income from there.

So yeah she is pretty fucked up right now and her money will run out sometime this year and she will probably need finantial support because she doesn't work and she expends a lot, if she won the lottery now she would be bankrupt again in 2 years.. Regarding work she has the excuse that she is too old to work now and that where she lives there are not a lot of options. When she was jobless a few years back, just when she divorced my dad, her sister got her a job and she rejected it with some invalid excuses, the real excuse I think that was because she couldn't smoke for long periods of time.
Yeah she is highly addicted to smoking, she smokes 3 boxes a day (60+ cigarettes?) and they are very expensive here in Uruguay. This limits her working chances since she will not take a job where she can't smoke, she will find all kinds of excuses to reject this jobs. She doesn't want to stop smoking, she says that she is very stressed right now to do so, and when she is more relaxed she will try. The truth is that she won't ever be relaxed, specially if she doesn't even try to stop... 
When she travels she uses taxi which is also very expensive in Uruguay, she doesn't take the bus and she always has an invalid excuse why not to take the bus. A couple years ago the state owed my mother more than a thousand dollars, all she had to do was traveling like 2 hours and getting the money but she was lazy and never did. It's as if she didn't care about the money, as if she thought "anyway somebody will maintain me later so who cares...", very selfish.

She has a huge victim mentality(She has an excuse for every negative aspect of her life, and it's always other people's fault), she is super negative and does nothing for her life. She is racist and constantly judges other people, however she thinks she is an spiritually elevated and evolutioned being as if she was the big deal. As you might have noticed by what I said before she believes in weird stuff like for example that we come to earth to evolution and we acomplish this by living multiple lives and working on our defect. She also believes some weird stuff regarding magic, tarot, energies, the power of the word, she believes she creates her life with the words she says so for example if I said "I will die tomorrow" jokingly she would freak out haha.
Many times this beliefs that she has sink her even more, because she ends up buying a house or deciding what to do based on some tarot cards that she threw over the table. And don't even try to argue with her about this stuff, it's IMPOSSIBLE to change her mind.
 

She is a very manipulative person, I've seen her manipulating her ex just to get more money, the excuse was that he was alcoholic and neurotic so she deserved it anyway.. I've seen her manipulating me and my brother, she is the kind of person that tries to make you feel bad if you don't do what she wants. I'm also starting to believe that she gets sick on purpose just to get attention, she always plays the victim role to get things.
Just as an example: when it's my birthday I normally do lunch with my mom and her family and dinner with my dad and his family, but now she is threatening me with not going to my next birthday if I don't invite her to come with my dad and his family, she says that they got divorced but she doesn't deserve to be cut off from the rest of the family, but I don't want her to come because my dad doesn't like her and I think that the rest of the family neither do. If it's my birthday isn't it my right to chose what to do? she is selfish. And she can't pretend to force my dad's family to like her.
Another example: many times(even when I was little) when she wanted something from me she used to say "I cleaned your ass when you were a baby, now the least you can do for me is...", so she manipulates us with the fact that she took responsibility for us and raised us, but the thing is that I didn't even ask to exist, she decided it for me, and it's her responsibility. I don't even feel responsible for my parents, I didn't chose to have them, they should be independent from me. With that being said, I'd totally help my dad if he had any problems, because I admire him, he is a great man and I'd totally help him, but I don't feel this towards my mom.
 

Another thing that she did that hurted me really bad was that after the breakup she hated my dad to death and so she would tell me and my brother all the time about all kind of horrible things my dad supposedly did to her, I would argue with her that this was not correct, that she shouldn't be telling me this stuff, they were problems between them and not us. But she kept doing it and still does. She tries her best to brainwash us to hate our dad, this would be her perfect revenge against him, but unfortunately for her all she did was making us hate her even more.

 

I could go on with this, but nobody will read this huge post, specially if I keep adding stuff.

Anyway I think I got over the main spots, and I want feedback from you guys, what do you think about me from this post and specially what should I do with my mother? If I cut her off like Leo suggested in his "dealing with toxic people" video, I'm afraid she will end up homeless and all alone(has no friends) and I don't want this for her.

Here is a list of the defects I know that I share/shared with my mother, because obviously when you can't stand somebody it's to some degree because you can't stand what they do since you do it too and it's a constant reminder of your own defects:

*Victim mentality: (totally overcame this one, I now know and feel it's all me and nobody else's fault)
*Judging: Need to work a lot on this one, as you can clearly see from this post.
*Negativity: To a much less extent than my mother but I've noticed that in some situations I am negative and think the worst possible outcome.
*Mental masturbation/Procrastination: I didn't really address this but both me and my mother search up on lots of self-help stuff and then struggle to actually act on it.
*Seeking approval / low self-steem

Feel free to add more to this list as you read this post.
 

Edited February 8, 2016 by Santiago

[Ayla]

Hello Santiago, 

I can intimately relate to your post, as my own mother is like this. Her condition is called: Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Please look it up on youtube and make your decision from there. 

The only way people cope with such a parent is NO CONTACT. 

You may (or may not) chose to continue (begin) supporting her financially with whatever feels right, but withdrawing from her would leave you free. 

If fire burnt you once, would you go back into it? 

You must also learn to forgive her, while keeping your distance for self-preservation reasons. If there's no forgiveness, these issues will keep crawling back into your experience through other people. 

Know that this is a deeply personal issue, thus so the solution must be. 

 

[Santiago]

Just after reading the post I noticed I wrote this:  "If it's my birthday isn't it my right to chose what to do? she is selfish" which sounds kinda selfish from me too.

Actually I've been struggling to identify if I'm actually being selfish in some situations regarding judging my mother or if I'm right, and I know that probably if I have this doubt there's a good chance that I'm being selfish.

I've a hard time identifying what is ok and what not regarding my relation with other people, for example should I cut my mother off completely? or is that selfish and she doesn't deserve it? did I use her all my life and now as I don't need her I just dump her? Those things go through my mind, like I can't actually be sure if my mother is super toxic and I'm right or if I'm being selfish with her, and she is just going through a bad moment.


I also am aware that I'm way too low on the personal development scale, I have a lot of things to fix, so I might as well be miss judging her and maybe judging her from my own defects and projecting them over her, I know that this happens with people, why couldn't it happen with me? So yeah I have lots of doubts, the only thing that validates me is my brother who also thinks she is very very toxic.

[Sarah Marie]

First, let me start by saying I completely understand why you feel this way and I would absolutely feel the same way in your shoes.

Second, I can relate to your story in similar ways. Some questions I had to ask myself when making a choice about a toxic person in my life were: 

• Do they make me feel good about being my authentic self?
• Do they bring value to my life?
• If my best friend was in this exact same situation what advice would I give to her/him?
• Am I enabling this person?
• Will this person effect my growth?
• Will helping them cross some of my own personal values/beliefs?

For me, the answer was easy even though this person was a family member after answering those questions. I decided that I would cut her out (my sister) and I told her, "As long as you continue to use drugs I will not be apart of your life. If you choose to get clean we can go to therapy together to rebuild our relationship." I set, and kept my boundaries. It was a "tough love" approach. After not speaking to her for 3 years she got clean and we rebuilt our relationship. She still thanks me to this day for putting up those boundaries. 

 

[Rosie]

Hey Santiago,

 

The following comment of mine will be very personal and may cause some judgement from others here, but still I want you to realise you are not alone.
My mom was a horrible person. I lost her 3 years ago in a car accident where me and my  brothers were sitting as well, but only I survived, still I could not get to the point till today her personality. My dad was a very hardworking person but my mom ripped him off on every single way was possible. When they divorced my dad did not wanted  a single penny from her ( although she did not have to work for 15 years when they were together, so logically everything should have been my father's) all he wanted for us children to have a nice home. My mum LIED to my dad about the worth of the house just so my dad would give her MORE money after divorce. As my dad loved us, he did give extra money, to top it up, my mum did not lie to us, she made us lie to our did for the money. I could not handle the stress so I broke down and told everything to my dad at age 12. My mum put me on the street after this ( even though my dad was working abroad)  and called me a coward and all kinda names, she told me I betrayed her and my brothers. I forgave her many times, but before she died the same week it turned out that she had more loans and she wanted from me money. thats how I was i the car as she asked me to go for a family dinner with them, but during the dinner she asked money from me as they would take her and my elder brothers home. I said no clearly and I never regret it even though the horrible accident what came after.

I do not say you have to say no, and I do not say there will be horrible accidents in your life, but I do say that just because she gave life for you, it does not mean that you owe her with your life. They say: don't feed a man who is hungry, teach him how to hunt instead. Maybe your mom will loose her home, orr will be in trouble after, but if you will help her out then it will be a never ending circle. She will never learn and it will eat you up eventually. Sometimes it's better to not help straight, but be in the background if the other person is ready to take real help, not expecting the help. there is a big difference between.

[Natasha]

Hi Santiago,

You've become co-dependent of your mother's mental illness. Co-dependency is when someone else's problem becomes your problem. Ayla is right - you mother suffers from Narcissistic personality disorder and you've been adopting some of it's symptoms by association. You have and still are enduring a huge measure of mental and emotional abuse from her. I am so sorry for all you have suffered throughout the years. Now is the time to stop being a victim once and for all and take action to liberate yourself!

Please realize that your lack of personal boundaries with your mother is what has been enabling her to abuse you. She is 56 yrs old, not retired or disabled, and is able to work to support herself, just like you and many other women support themselves. Your Mom, by any means, is NOT helpless. She's conditioned you and bullied you through guilt, fear, and shame to succum to her parasitic expectations and demands. You don't owe her anything. Just because she gave you birth, does not mean she has the right to mentally abuse you and claim your life. She is responsible for her own choices and decisions. She has made her bed and, as the saying goes, let her lay in it, not you.

Now, some practical ways to deal with your mother. Narcissists only respond to firm boundaries. She will most likely throw a tamper tantrum (in either overt or covert manner) and your being resolved to follow through with dealing with your mother is the key. Narcissists are like spoiled children in a grown body - they will do anything to get what they want, maintain control, and have an upper hand in any situation. No Contact method is very effective - it will give you time and space to detox from this toxic relationship, gather your bearings, and clear your head. It will also send your mother a clear message that you are not willing to play her sick, dis-functional game any longer. Show no reaction to her efforts to engage you in her neurosis again. Cut off the supply-line to your life blood, and the emotional vampire will poof. Narcissists are indeed emotional vampires, betting their survival on sucking you dry. Your awareness of the dynamics between you and your narc mother is like that shining daylight that scares the hell out of a vampire and makes them flee.  

Also, remember NOT to blame yourself for any of your mother's reactions, emotions, hurts, disappointments, and consequences of her own actions. By drawing the line, you actually show her love. Narcissists don't really change, so get used to keep tough-loving your mother and that's the best gift you can give her. She will not like it, but she will most definately respect you for it.  After a period of No Contact, maintain your emotional distance with her and keep reinforcing your boundaries - financial and otherwise. Start educating yourself about narcissism. YouTube has a whole library of video material that will help you learn about different aspects of narcissism and how to protect yourself from being sucked into this horrible dis-function. Stay strong and take care of yourself first and foremost. 

 

 

[Santiago]

Thank you all very much for the input, it's really helpful and eye opening.

 

I didn't know the name of the pathology and now I do(NPD), which gives me more tools to search for information and techniques to solve this problem.

The thing that freaks me out is the idea of having absorbed some of the disfunctionality myself by asociation, I don't want to end up like her, and definitely this is something in her familiy that has been spreading like a cancer. Her aunt used to dominate all the family getting sick on purpose and manipulating them to get what she wanted, she was always negative and in a victim role to obtain attention and get things done, this was observed by my own mother(she is the one who told me this), but even if my mother noticed and hated this kind of behavior now she has become one of them without even knowing it, so it's definitely contagious, even more because my mother's sister also has the same type of personality, so this is a family disease.

I have definitely noticed some narcissistic behaviors in myself, so it's most likely that I am a narcissist to some extent already, if I don't correct this soon I could completely destroy my life like my mother, her sister and her aunt did.

 

I was just reading this article regarding contagious narcissism: http://samvak.tripod.com/narcissismbyproxy.html and I'll just quote a small part of all the article that I could identify myself with:
 

"A casual encounter with a narcissist is likely to leave a bad aftertaste, bewilderment, hurt, or anger. But these transient reactions have no lasting effect and they fade with time. Not so with more prolonged interactions: marriage, partnership, cohabitation, working or studying together and the like.

Narcissism brushes off. Our reactions to the narcissist, the initial ridicule, the occasional rage, or the frustration – tend to accumulate and form the sediment of deformity. Gradually, the narcissist distorts the personalities of those he is in constant touch with, casts them in his defective mould, limits them, redirects them, and inhibits them. When sufficiently cloned, the narcissist uses the people he affected as narcissistic proxies, narcissistic vehicles of vicarious narcissism.

The narcissist provokes in us emotions, which are predominantly negative and unpleasant. The initial reaction, as we said, is likely to be ridicule. The narcissist, pompous, incredibly self-centred, falsely grandiose, spoiled and odd (even his manner of speech is likely to be constrained and archaic), often elicits smirks in lieu of admiration.

But the entertainment value is fast over. The narcissist's behaviour becomes tiresome, irksome and cumbersome. Ridicule is supplanted by ire and, then, by overt anger. The narcissist's inadequacies are so glaring and his denial and other defence mechanisms so primitive that we constantly feel like screaming at him, reproaching him, or even striking at him literally as well as figuratively.

Ashamed at these reactions, we begin to also feel guilty. We find ourselves attached to a mental pendulum, swinging between repulsion and guilt, rage and pity, lack of empathy and remorse. Slowly we acquire the very characteristics of the narcissist that we so deplore. We become as tactless as he is, as devoid of empathy and of consideration, as ignorant of the emotional makeup of other people, and as one track minded. Exposed in the sick halo of the narcissist, we have been "infected"."

 

So that's where I am now, at first I was feeling really bad about my mother, I felt like she was a victim really to all that was happening around her and that she didn't deserve it, later with time and observation of her behavior I began getting tired and starting to question her behaviors, but then I would feel bad for doing this to my poor victim mother, as if she hadn't have enough with all her problems... But now I am on a stage where I am starting to get soo fed up that I kinda hate her in like I can't take it anymore, but at the same time feel a little guilty about it, and even doubt if I am right or wrong. As the article describes above, this is supposedly when "we have been infected"...
 

On the other hand, after reading some articles and watching videos I can't identify all of the characteristics in my mother, just some of them. Maybe you can have the condition to some extent and not fully developed, I guess that explains it.

[Ayla]

18 minutes ago, Santiago said:

On the other hand, after reading some articles and watching videos I can't identify all of the characteristics in my mother, just some of them. Maybe you can have the condition to some extent and not fully developed, I guess that explains it.

Yes, we all have narcissistic traits. Some more than others. And then, there is NPD ... which has various forms.. covert, invert, etc

Keep studying  

PS: also look for scapegoat term in relation to NPD 

[Santiago]

Just now, Ayla said:

Yes, we all have narcissistic traits. Some more than others. And then, there is NPD ... which has various forms.. covert, invert, etc

Keep studying  

PS: also look for scapegoat term in relation to NPD 

Thanks I will search that, since yesterday I've been reading about NPD and lots of things make much more sense now, I'm connecting many things that I have observed throughout my life in my mother's behavior and my behavior in relation to her, but not all of them seem to fit with a narcissistic.

I just casually looked at that term "scapegoat" for 2 minutes, I will read more later on because now I need to study.

Anyway from what I read I would say that I was her favourite and my brother was my dad's favourite, my mother later on explained us that she had to be on my side because our father was making differences between us and he supposedly preferred my brother, so to balance things out and help me she chose to get on my side. She also said that sometimes she would privately talk with my brother to explain that she had to be on my side because father was on his side, and if she didn't get on my side I would feel abandoned. So she reckons this difference that she made, and it was completely conscious and undestandable I guess.
We had this kind of division in the family when I was a child, it was me and my mom vs my brother and my dad, at least that's how I felt it, I can't really remember things well at that age. But my brother agrees on this one and he is 5 years older.

I don't really remember my mother putting down my brother in any sense, it's like she got all fucked up after I was maybe 8-10 years old, maybe on the beginning she wasn't yet as narcissistic as she is now, or maybe I just don't remember well how things were before that... My brother also agrees that she was normal before, or at least much better than she is now.

As I said before I see some characteristics in her, but not all of them. Maybe she just has another kind of pathology that shares similar characteristics.

 

[Ayla]

Sounds like a "covert narcissist" - completely different characteristics. 

Yes, that is the known dynamic: the golden child and the scapegoat. 

Keep looking.. 

[Natasha]

I agree, 'covert' narcissists are more difficult to spot. Those types of narcs know how to put a smoke screen better than overt ones. But the damage is equally harmful. Sam Vaknin is actually a malignant narc himself and his book/ videos are a must read/ watch because he tells what narcissism is all about from the first person. Other good YouTube channels are Narcissist Support (all red flags explained) and SPARTANLIFECOACH. Knowledge is power, keep learning and healing. Hugs.

[Guest]

Our parents or elders have been through many difficulties and problems in their past and there was no internet or anything of that sort. My parents and even my grandmother has many problems. It has been effecting me since my childhood and now even more. But I do know what is true and what is wrong when they start to talk. I can't change them. I just don't listen to what they say. I still love them but if they knew how they effected my life and psychology in a bad way they would be sad. Just love them, you can't change or cure anything that complex.

[Santiago]

Thank you very much for all the support people, it's been really helpful and I'm learning more and more about this.

Today I did one of the best things I think I could have done, I met with my aunt (the healthy one of the 3 sisters) who I have really admired the last years, she has a successful career, has money, 5 kids, a relationship, hobbies, she stays fit, has a great energy and positive personality, and she managed all this having 2 narcissistic sisters and a narcissistic grandmother, so yeah she is a role model for me.

We exchanged our points of view about my mother, we agreed on everything, I even found out about more things that I didn't even know. She also found out about other things because we put the pieces together with what she knew and what I knew from both perspectives.
She was very supportive, she told me to go to a psychologist asap which I will do since I know I haven't been able to overcome my problems for the last 4-6 years despite of being aware of them, awareness is not enough (but is crucial tho). She taught me about her defensive techniques of letting go and just accepting how they are, don't be angry about it and don't enter in their games, just do your thing.

She also offered to confront my mother and tell her everything we all felt about her. But after thinking it for a time we came to the conclusion that she had too much power over me at this moment and I wouldn't be able to resist it, she would manipulate me and make me feel guilty and it would end up being negative for me.

Edited February 11, 2016 by Santiago

[iamswjr]

Dude! I can totally relate to this. crazy, my mum was the same, the drinking, the smoking, her manipulative and negative ways of dealing with things. a lot of the stuff you said in there sounded VERY like my mum. ( I Read it all)  man I had this problem with her from when I was really young and it actually got to the stage where her new husband (who she also married after one date lol) was beating her up on a daily, and she continued to stay with the guy, totally ignoring all her families advise and putting us all through court cases and stuff to get the guy deported back to his own country, only for her to turn around at the last minute and say he never touched her.. ever! Eventually, I got sick of repeating myself and most of here family did too. She now has ELEVEN kids, and one on the way and I no longer visit or speak to her - she has burnt a lot of her bridges. I get to see all my other brothers and sisters at weekend or holidays when we visit each other, and the odd occasion i do see my mother, we can actually have a fairly decent mature conversation while I'm there just because we barely see each other now and would be weird if we where to argue on the odd occasion that i do see her. If you've seriously tried everything and can't think of anything else.. cut her off! 

I did, and I now stay with my dad in a better area, living a better lifestyle with a much healthier mindstate and much more hope towards my future. Sometimes you just need to let go man - but believe me it'll be for the better! 

Stay strong brother & good luck, 

SWJR420  

[Josemos]

Santiago, after having looked at your first several posts I just want to say:

A manipulative person will bring you into their game and do what they please with you and your emotions if you do not have mental fortitude. Not only that but, and it might be a bit difficult since this is your mother, I believe you should be detached when you try and handle this situation.

Being independent form outcome is important to because once you have done your best you do not want to waste any more time on a lost cause and beating yourself up for what else you think you could have done. That does not mean don't try to help but when all is said and done be glad with your effort and ultimately your mother's fate is on her.

Also, an IMPORTANT point I would like to make is that my girlfriend's mother, who passed away from pursuing physical beauty(plastic surgery), showed veeerrry similar traits to your mother now; manipulation, bad habits(gambling and plastic surgery, though), and eventually divorced my girlfriend's father to be with other men and partake in self-destructive behavior. Bottom line is the last thing we would want is for her to consume herself like my girlfriend's mother did. 

My belief is that no one is born tainted with negativity and awful human traits and, in the case of your mother, that family and other people in life can influence one heavily if you allow them to(your mother and aunt). I think your best bet is to sit her down, give her a reality check, and explain plainly and completely how you feel with reference to your first post and how you want so much for her to clean up her act, get rib of her bad habits, and actually see the family again to indulge in the atmosphere of love and belonging. Even if her and your father are not compatible lovers(not saying she has to remarry to be fine) I still believe that she would be an amazing person in your life to have if she turns around for the better. And if she honestly starts to, DO NOT FORGET to give her support every day of the way and get the family involved. I've had a lot of experience with my girlfriend's, in her opinion, dysfunctional family and with our dedication we have been able to turn things around for her brother(who was very close to their toxic mother). Compassion rules, my friend. 

I wish the best of luck to you in this endeavor and may her mind seek clarity and her heart open up

Edited February 10, 2016 by Josemos

[Josemos]

Since I assume you took my last post into consideration(which this is the same post but completely deleted) I wish nothing but the best for you and your relationship with your mother.

Also, I don't know how to delete posts

Edited February 13, 2016 by Josemos

[Santiago]

Thank you very much for your input guys.

Right now as I said before I'm not strong enough to confront her and tell her all this, so I'll just start slowly hinting at her that she doesn't own me and that I do whatever I want in spite of what she tells me to do. Today I started doing it.

I will go to a psychologist too, that might help me to get emotional strength to face her in the future.

 

This post has been really helpful so far, thank you very much community! I'm learning lots of stuff I didn't know and hearing  about your stories helps as well.

 

 

PD: The other day I was feeling overwhelmed with all my problems and I contaminated this thread with some paragraphs, I deleted them so we focus on the relevant stuff here: my relationship with my mother. @Josemos feel free to delete the last post you made, so we don't deviate the discussion to other topics.

 

 

[Santiago]

On 10/2/2016 at 2:02 PM, Josemos said:

 

[Alexo45]

Compassion and love is the answer. 

Edited October 29, 2017 by Alexo45

[Santiago]

Sorry for the empty post above, I tried to post in this thread and that empty quote would pop up in my writing box and didn't let me write anything or delete it, so I had to post it.
 

--------------------------------------------------------------

These last days I had some difficulties with my mother and I haven't answered her in 5 days, I am thinking in cutting off communication for good but it's not easy and so I decided to come back to this post...

 

I was just writing a huge post explaining how she barely visits her 90 year old mother because she thinks her's was a bad mother, and how she is now with a boyfriend because she is interested in his money and nothing else, but now he owes her some money and she wants to break up but she can't, and all this drama.

But it is pointless since we haven't communicated that much anyway, so it's all her problems, we just message via whatsapp mainly and it's mundane stuff like "what are you doing", "working and studying and you", etc.

 

 

The thing is, the relationship I have with my mother is so fake... I just write her because I do, it's not like I want to. Since I found out all the stuff she was doing when I was a kid, how she used me and my brother to fight against my dad starting drama when I was around her so that she could victimize herself and use me as a weapon to attack my dad... How after the break up she always used to tell me all this horrible things about my dad even tho I told her repeatedly that she was hurting me.. How she manages her relationships seemingly out of interest, or that's how I see it at least... How she victimizes herself bringing up all kinds of problems whenever she wants you to do something for her.

It makes me think that she only wants to use me, that she only raised me so that I would take care of her when she is old or she needs money.. She always used to tell me how I owe her because she cleaned my ass when I was a kid or how she did all this things for me so she is a good mother and we should do X for her because of that..

I can't see her in a good way now... I can't.. I just feel like if I trust her she will use me, and when she gets older she will get sick on purpose to manipulate me just like her aunt did or like her sister does. She has used illness before to get away with things...

 

I don't know, the relationship now wasn't too bad since we don't see each other so much, but now christmas and new year's eve are coming and we just had conflicts regarding who is going to visit who(she wants us to go with her and her disfunctional relationship boyfriend, and me and my bother told her to come here with us and the rest of the family, including her 90 year old granma, but she found many excuses not to come) and I haven't answered her messages for 5 days now.. she is asking me why I don't answer her and the reason is I don't feel like doing it anymore... And I don't know what to tell her, how to explain this to her, because in her mind she was a very good mother to us.

 

I also think that maybe she was bad but it was not 100% of the time, she also had good things, we are all imperfect, but at the same time I am afraid that If I don't put up limits she will then feel entitled to abuse me. At the same time I don't think I can tell her all I wrote in this thread, since she won't be able to process it, she is so immature, she will never accept all this.

 

It's so hard to distinguish if I am being too judgmental of her and only looking at the bad things and being too harsh, or if I am right... all kinds of thoughts go through my mind..


Sorry to be posting again about this, I think I just need to write this down and this is the place to do so ... Probably the same answers I received 2 years ago still apply, and nothing new will come up, but yeah I wanted to write this down anyway.