1 Year. Commitment To Exploring My Potential.

[TakeCare]

WEEK 17

DAY 113

 

"Confirming your belief systems does not get you closer to truth." - That is a strong quoute.

It was a tough morning. Struggled with meditation a lot.

During the day I decided to go all horse crazy with affirmations. I have  lot of negative thinking, right? These are thoughts that just happen. Some time ago I learned from Brian Tracy that you can only think about one thing at a time and what is the most important is that when you think about that one think you can't think about anything else at that moment. If I do affirmations I cannot have negative thoughts. Since I do positive affirmations this eventually will lead to more positive thoughts happening on their own.

 

DAY 114

Also, today I have found out how many side projects I have to complete until the end of the month. This is going to take most of my free time. I will have to adjust morning routine for this.

 

DAY 115

I was thinking less today. Somehow it just happened. I was more motivated, analyzed less and acted more.

 

DAY 116

Today towards the evening the tiredness kicked in big time. A little less sleep than usual and more work throughout a day did its job. Tomorrow I will have my full morning routine. These last two days gave me a new perspective on how important it is to just take your time and do not think about how long morning routine lasts. It was also a good indicator that I was flexible enough to not experience much difficulties in having a shorter morning procedure. I did not feel bad or that I was loosing something I simply knew that it will be done this way. Usually I struggle with these kinds of shifts because I sometimes focus too much on getting that check mark of 20 minute yoga or 30 minute meditation or even 10 minute breathing exercises and so on. What matters is what one experiences.

 

DAY 117

Morning routine was amazing. No rush, just being. What I noticed about meditation is that very often first 15 minutes are real smooth and second half has a lot of distractions. It is almost always like this. Although today I had a very peculiar experience where everything has disappeared for a while. It felt as if space became flat in a vertical direction. There was nothing ahead or behind. It was as if I was sleeping while totally awake. These are words and they distort what I am trying to communicate here. Oh well, I can sum it up by saying that II had a deep and new experience this morning.

 

DAY 118

This morning I had a refreshed realization about how much things have changed since I started this journal. How my view towards the life has changed, how much my awareness has grown, how much emotional labour I have put in to get to where I am now. I felt really grateful to all the circumstances that eventually led me to this moment. I used to always was so hard on myself and moments of self appreciation barely ever occurred. The environment in which I have grown taught me how to compete but did not taught me how to express my emotions and be vulnerable and openly grateful. I kept everything inside, I struggled trying to keep external circumstances under control and in general I had a lot of strong black&white opinions which I imposed upon the world. Things are slowly opening up. It is so gradual that it is difficult to see it everyday. It is like a child relative which you see only once a year and every time you want to say: wow, you have grown a lot. Well, this morning there was a "Christmas experience" for me. Life have changed drastically. I see a lot of struggles in other people journals but Jebus flippin Crust you people are all working on yourself! You all are making yourself work emotionally by your own choice. Honestly, you are all heroes.

 

DAY 119

I had an interesting tour through various fears this night. I dreamed that I forgot to go to work and my boss called me asking where I was. I dreamed that I was in a small medieval looking room under ground and I was afraid it will all collapse on top of me. It did not though. I dreamed that I jumped from the bridge into the lake and there was a plank floating on the surface. It had a big nail in it and as I hit the water it went through my heel. I tried to move as little as possible so that it wouldn't tear my feet completely. I dreamed that I visited my father during the weekend. We got into a serious argument and I was so mad I went to pack my stuff and get ready to leave even though I have arrived just minutes earlier.

Wow, that was a lot to take in one night. Funny thing is that these dreams are not "bad", I am actually glad that I had them. There is some stuff bubbling inside and it has to express itself one way or another. By bringing my awareness to these experiences and not rejecting them I can grow. And who knows, maybe some time later I will be blessed with some pleasant dreams.

 

WEEK 17 REVIEW

Goals

Morning routine:

• Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Check.
• Affirmation habit - Check. (same as last week, kind of forgot it during the weekend)
• Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Check. (couple of days meditated for 20 minutes because of adjusted morning routine)
• Learning for 30 minutes in the morning - Check. 

Others:

• Absence of video games- Check. 
• Limited social media time - Check.
• Eating healthy - Check.
• Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check.

Also a huge progress on side projects. To sum up it was an amazing week !

 

Thoughts

It has been a crazy busy week. Next one is going to be pretty much the same and after that pace will normalize. I do not have something special to share to sum up this week. I guess I am just too tired today.

One more thing to note, there is something happening to my reflection in the mirror. It has been smiling more often lately.

 

Thank you for reading,

TakeCare

 

[TakeCare]

WEEK 18

DAY 120

A lot of crazy dreams once again. Did not feel like rest. Argued with my girlfriend in the morning a lot but we managed to end it all on a good note.

I noticed that my sitting posture is not as good as it used to be. More and more often I notice myself sitting in all kinds of funky ways and today I also felt some pain in my back. That is a strong indicator that I need to work on it once again.

 

DAY 121

Morning required active effort. It was tough to complete the routine but somehow I managed. This was the case where pure will helped a lot.

In the evening I felt so damn tired. I was agitated and impatient. I really got deep into these projects that I have to complete until the end of the month and somewhere deep down I probably believe that it is a good reason to get all stressed out.

 

DAY 122

This morning I reconnected with myself during morning routine. I felt present once again. Yesterday's worries about the work I have to do did not bother me throughout the day.

An interesting note is that I got triggered at work when a colleague kind of made fun of me indirectly. I wanted to respond but I just stood there and tried to soak it in. Wow I got furious inside. Seriously, it was a minor comment but it did hurt my ego a lot. My external reaction was smooth and polite but inside it was a mess.

Today I accidentally met a friend who used to be smoking pot everyday and had a really lazy life. He seemed different and after I asked he told me that he was not smoking neither pot nor cigarettes for the last four months, he bought a car and now trying to earn money as an "Uber" driver. He seemed excited and I do not remember him ever being excited. Later on when I thought about him I realized that I was primarily focused on myself when we were communicating. I did not focus on that his life has changed a lot but focused on myself trying to create some sort of positive impression. I still am surprisingly self-absorbed at times.

 

DAY 123

I had a complicated situation at work. Few days earlier I found someone's mistake and I fixed it. Later turns it it was not a mistake. Well, some of it was, but most of my changes actually made things worse. Nobody had figured that out at that time but I had to fix it again as soon as possible. It was quite complicated and I had very little time. There was some panic in the air lol. I remember at one point I was so tense that I just couldn't think. I was looking at the information and just couldn't say if that is correct or not.

In the end I sorted everything out and sent all the necessary emails. Now I am at home and I feel like I need to check everything once again to be sure it is alright.

I am still working 10 hours everyday. 3 more days and it should end.

 

DAY 124

I remember yesterday before sleep I had thoughts about what I have to do tomorrow and the uncertainty if I will be able to make it happen. Today I came to work and it turned out there is much more things to do so now I have certainty - I wont make it. The thing is that situation is "worse" than I expected but I feel pretty much the same. The point I am trying to make is that worrying does not have much to do with what actually is happening around me.

 

DAY 125 & DAY 126

Weekend was all about work once again. It has been the last days before deadline. I worked for 11 hours on Saturday and 13 hours on Sunday. Not much has happened besides me sitting in front of computer. I have managed to fully complete morning routine both days so that helped me to stay on track.

On Sunday morning after meditating I was contemplating about my current situation and had one pleasant realization. I remembered being a kid and craving for approval from other people so bad. It was the sweetest thing I could have at that time. A lot of stuff I did was done with an intention to be noticed and to get compliments. Now I am getting more and more self-reliant and that need is getting less and less relevant. I understood, that in a way I am getting that self-approval from myself and I do not need it from anyone else all that much. I used to be constantly making grand plans and constantly failing which eventually drove me to low-self esteem and actually hating myself and people around me.  Now I am more and more often aware of how good it feels when what I think aligns with what I do.

 

WEEK 18 REVIEW

Goals

Morning routine:

• Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Check.
• Affirmation habit - Failure. (inconsistent)
• Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Check.
• Learning for 30 minutes in the morning - Check. (because of circumstances it has been working, not learning though)

Others:

• No gaming - Check. 
• Limited social media time - Check.
• Eating healthy - Check.
• Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check.

 

Thoughts

It is over! I finished all projects in time. I have a day off on Monday and Tuesday so finally after two week craziness pace will normalize.

In the future I will try to avoid situations like this. It was too much work. I proved for myself that I had enough stamina and emotional stability to work 10 hours for straight two weeks without a day off but damn I do not think it is worth it. I feel really tired and I do not have much else to add.

 

Thank you for reading,

TakeCare

[TakeCare]

WEEK 19

Low consciousness week with attempts to get back on track.

DAY 127

Monday day off. Finished all the work late and therefore woke up late. Felt happy and decided to rest today. That’s what I did. What I did not do was meditate and exercise.

 

DAY 128

Tuesday day off. Had to visit relatives. I say 'had to' because it is a tradition. It is not a happy Halloween here (although it is popular between younger people) but it is a day to pay respect to the dead. Most of the time spent in a bus or a car. Did not meditate or exercise again.

 

DAY 129

I was late to work this morning. Turns out it is easy to fall off track.

 

DAY 130

Attempt to restore morning routine. Meditated for 15 minutes and then went back to bed. I can say that it is the autumn. It is cold and vet. Almost everyone here uses this excuse from time to time to explain why they feel a certain way.

 

DAY 131

Finally successful morning routine. Work was tough but I was tough too. Things hung in balance for the most time.

 

DAY 132

Another family obligation was completed today. Day was interesting. A lot of communication with other people.

 

DAY 133

To finish the week I played computer games whole day.

Fucking disappointed.

 

 

WEEK 19 REVIEW

Goals

Morning routine:

• Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Failure.
• Affirmation habit - Failure.
• Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Failure.
• Learning for 30 minutes in the morning - Failure.

Others:

• No gaming - Failure. 
• Limited social media time - Failure.
• Eating healthy - Two days of total failure.
• Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check.

Thoughts

Shit.

It is not the first time where after very hard period through where I do really well I have a more relaxed time which ends up in low consciousness activities, not following through, eating shitty food and in the end hating myself.

All these entries were written in retrospective. That is the reason why they are so short.

For the first time since I have started it was not only that I did not manage to follow through but there there moments where I did not want to follow through. I did not want to meditate even after experiencing how much of the positive impact to my life it has created. I just did not.

That is it.

We will see what next week brings, 

TakeCare

 

[TakeCare]

WEEK 20

 

DAY 128

Here we go.

During yoga I was very focused and all the sudden all the negativity I kept inside poured out in a form of negative thoughts. It happened and it passed and here I am.

Day was difficult but I was ready.

Recovering.

 

DAY 129

Felt hyped and energized which resulted in a very productive day.

Thoughts about quitting smoking made me want to smoke even more. I am having sensations that clearly tell me what my body needs and it is definitely not smoking.

 

DAY 130

A lot of thoughts about women today. No particular reason there that I am aware of.

Also I was thinking about placing myself in all sorts of challenging situations. Feeling readiness for more growth and more challenges.

 

DAY 131

Nothing special. Exercised, meditated, worked, got tired and went to sleep. Felt a bit dull.

 

DAY 132

I had an amazing meditation today. I went deeper than usually and experienced a really sensitive and present state of awareness. While doing yoga I had some sort of resistance. It takes effort and sometimes it just does not come easily. I decided /observed that my routine is happening no matter the circumstances and it did. Interesting note is that I did not use will power. Decision was so pure that it all just happened. I watched the resistance melt and it did not feel like I was pushing through it. I had some beautiful insights on present moment and attachment. It were already familiar ideas that have manifested in a new way.

 

DAY 133

I had a strong reality spike today. It seemed that all the emotional disharmony can be outgrown more easily than I initially expected.

I have been reading various Ken Wilber's materials lately. More and more often I notice how different human development levels are appearing in front my eyes in certain situations.

I am just starting to grasp it but it already seems to be an interesting thinking framework that explains so much of the things I have always struggled to put in one coherent system.

 

DAY 144

Potato day. That's what it was. Lazy and low-consciousness.

 

WEEK 20 REVIEW

Goals

Morning routine:

• Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Check (6/7)
• Affirmation habit - Failure. (Forgot completely)
• Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Check (6/7).
• Learning for 30 minutes in the morning - Check (5/7).

Others:

• No gaming - Failure (Sunday was lost)
• Limited social media time - Check.
• Eating healthy - Check.
• Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check.

 

Thoughts

Got back on track. One day was a bit counter-productive but there is one thing that I have almost forgot to mention. Cold showers! Oh yes, every morning this week I finished my shower with a burst of cold water. There were mornings where I felt that I need to "get ready" and my way to get ready was immediately switching water from hot to cold. I felt as if I trolled myself. On Sunday I thought: "well, I won't do it today, really not feeling like it". Then I said to myself: "Ok, it is up to you after all" and turned on cold water giggling maniacally as a masochist. Lol. Gonna keep doing this. Feels really good afterwards.

New goal

- Ending shower with at least 10 seconds of cold water.

 

Thank you for reading, 

TakeCare

[TakeCare]

WEEK 21

 

DAY 145

More and more often I feel an urge to do something drastic. To defy the circumstances. It mostly happens when old negative patterns manifest in one way or another. The state of defiance helps me to get out of them. To do something else, something new. Sometimes when I think that I got stuck or some external circumstance prevents me from doing what I do or being what I am I understand how self-made it all is.

 

DAY 146

Felt sleepy for the first half of the day. Did not gave in in to that feeling though.

After breakfast I did not eat for 8 hours (except one apple) and I did not feel hungry in the afternoon. I did not feel particularly stressful and there were not other reasons for me to feel this way. I was used to getting hungry when the usual time of lunch or dinner was approaching but lately I have been feeling less and less of that. Not sure is that a good sign or a bad one. I feel fine though, gonna keep an eye on my nutrition.

 

DAY 147

Burned out at work. Today I experienced a lot of tension. This made me realize how well I was doing at work past few weeks. Remember that "pressure on chest area" which I often was mentioning? I did not happen for quite a while and it did not happen today. Yes there was tension but it did not grow into physical discomfort. Life is moving forward and sometimes it can be easy to miss opportunities to appreciate the growth and progress.

DAY 148

DAY 149

DAY 150

DAY 151

Empty space.

 

WEEK 20 REVIEW

Goals

Morning routine:

• Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Check (5/7)
• Affirmation habit - Failure. (2/7)
• Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Check (5/7).
• Learning for 30 minutes in the morning - Somewhere in between (4/7).
• Cold shower - Check (7/7)

Others:

• No gaming - Failure (Sunday was lost again)
• Limited social media time - Failure.
• Eating healthy - Check. (mostly good food except weekend)
• Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check.

Thoughts

I am losing my passion for journaling as you might have noticed. I still meditate, do yoga but I miss a day here and there. I mostly eat good food but I eat some crap here and there. I still learn some new stuff, mostly from Ken Wilbers material but I often feel lost and stuck.

I somehow found a place for cold showers in my routine. That is one positive thing that happened surprisingly naturally.

I smoke a lot though.

Thats it for now, 

TakeCare

[TakeCare]

WEEK 22

 

DAY 152

"There is something in you that did not begin and will never end."

 

DAY 153

 

I learned a bit about multiple intelligences and developmental lines that anyone experiencing growth in certain areas goes through. It still seems a bit too abstract. Distinguishing between intelligence and skill is also not always entirely convincing but there is still more material to read/listen on this topic.

Did well at work - not much tension and high level of productivity and focus.

 

DAY 154

Barely had any time for myself except the morning.

 

DAY 155

In the morning I once again thought a lot about smoking and how the time to quit is coming. I thought to quit on 2017 but there is still alot of time. Then I thought about quitting from December. In the end I have decided that I will quit after I finish all the cigarettes I have at home. After shower I went to smoke and finished one of the packs I had and decided that I will not open another. Just like with cold shower - it is never a good time to do it. Also, there is no need to reason much, just let it happen. So here I sit and type at work just after my first strong wave of cravings for a smoke.

I have failed the same day after 8 hours.

 

DAY 156

No attempt for recovery.

 

DAY 157

I have visited my home. Chilled for entire day. Watched some insightful videos about awakening and understood it all in a new light.

 

DAY 158

Had a serious fight with my girl for totally ridiculous reasons. I won't go into details but I am 100 % sure that it all could have been easily avoided if I had not played computer games for an entire day.

I feel stupid.

 

WEEK 20 REVIEW

Goals

Morning routine:

• Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Check (5/7)
• Affirmation habit - Failure. (1/7) (do I even try? no.)
• Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Close to failure (4/7).
• Learning for 30 minutes in the morning - Failure (3/7).
• Cold shower - Check (5/6)

Others:

• No gaming - Failure (Weekend lost)
• Limited social media time - Failure.
• Eating healthy - Failure. (did Ok but weekend was a disaster)
• Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check.

 

Thoughts

For a couple of months I felt as if smoking is preventing from moving forward. It is an addiction after all even if it is relatively in control (most of the time) it still causes a lot of negative inner dialogues and conflicts. Although, to be honest, lately it went out of control. I went out of control.

"steps taken forward, but sleep-walking back again"

Thank you for reading, 

TakeCare

Edited November 28, 2016 by TakeCare

[TakeCare]

WEEK 23

 

DAY 159

I woke up, smoked my last two cigarettes and committed to quitting smoking again (now when I look back on it few hours later it seems like a stupid way to quit but oh well, that was exactly what happened).

Yoga class was very special today. As usual after a weekend spent in a brainless manner during Monday's yoga class the stream of negative thoughts opened. This time I was very present and extremely sensitive to all the trash coming out. I felt as if I have been gone for a month. I felt as if I forgot why I have started it all in the first place. It felt as if I was out of touch for quite some time.

I will not smoke.

I want to do things that matter the most for me.

I do not want to spend half an hour or more on facebook everyday. I had this under control but it kind of slowly crawled back into my habit list.

I do not want to be driven by addictions.

I do not want to meditate because "I have to". I do not have to - I want to, although quite often it feels as if I would rather sleep longer or do anything else but meditation.

Almost half a year have passed and I had many new experiences. I learned a lot about the concept of spirituality and various approaches to realizing enlightenment. I had installed new habits and got rid of few old ones. I have grown significantly but lately I have struggled a lot. I want to renew my commitment. I want to keep building on the foundations that have been laid down.

I am unstoppable because there is nothing to be stopped.

---

Guys, I came back home and smoked two cigarettes. Bought a rolling tabacco as if it is less harmful to me. This is how fragmented my reality has became.

 

DAY 160

Did not smoke this morning. Starting once again. At the moment I am at work dealing with  cravings. It was expected but still... Shit.

--

I feel that I will smoke at least one.

---

I rolled three cigarettes this evening. That is it for today. Feeling better already because I smoked only in the evening. Going to meditate now because I did not manage to wake up at 6 o'clock this morning.

--

Meditation was good. A lot of thoughts about work were spinning round and round in my head but I feel refreshed nonetheless.

 

DAY 161

There is so much happening around me. I do not mean that something has changed - it has always been this way. Once I get into state where I notice more I can barely handle it. Just so much. I open up a little and it overflows. I feel resistance that prevents me from experiencing the life as it is completely. It is so vague but it is there. Leo chose a perfect time to make a video about dealing with confusion because there is a lot of it.

I dreamed that I broke up with my girlfriend. Through all the pain and uncertainty I felt some sort of happiness arising. This feeling still haunts me. I may be feeling a bit guilty because I felt that way or it might be because I have moments where I think how life would be different if we broke up and it went to my subconscious resulting in this dream.

---

Yesterday I drank only one cup of coffee. Today I did the same and it felt just fine. Actually, the coffee makes me thirsty and it is not that delicious as I remember (I still drink it without sugar). When one addiction goes out of control others often follow. For few weeks I drank 2 cups of coffee (sometimes 3) everyday.

 

DAY 162

During yoga class the swarm of thoughts has raged like crazy. I am seriously not sure if I can take it for a long time. I think that might be the reason why I took a step back. I started noticing more and it was too much to handle. Old patterns have reemerged and "saved" me from having to deal with my thought machine. My crazy restless super-productive random thought machine..

I keep coming back to the idea of doing things with ease. Trying to control less and observe more.

 

DAY 163

I overslept today because I talked with my girl for couple of hours before sleep. That was unusual. I skipped my morning routine and felt bad about that but did some yoga and 20 minutes of meditation during lunch break.

I noticed that one of the things that impacts my emotions a lot is that I often worry that I might not be doing things "good enough"  or that I am not doing as "good" as my co-workers or bosses might want. I built a big part of my ego on being able to perform well and whenever I feel like I might be doing "poorly" I start to worry a lot. Together with it comes tension in my body. That is a good indicator when I am not aware of my thoughts.

 

 

DAY 164

I have slept one hour longer than planned and felt a little bit bad about that. I was aware of that and just tried to feel it (although I logically reasoned that it is ok and does not really matter). There was some resistance during morning routine throughout breathing exercises, yoga and meditation. I actually cut meditation five minutes short because towards the end I was unable to focus. Later I contemplated about the circumstances in which one grows. I thought that if I were my father I would probably have two marriages that have been unsuccessful. If I were that guy outside with a hangover and bottle of beer in my hands I would probably be doing the same - drinking at 10 in the morning. If I were born and raised as a jihadist I would probably thrive in cutting off heads of the infidels and so on. At some point I became aware that I feel a little bit guilty that I cut meditation five minutes short. I was aware and the feeling was not pleasant. I have just noticed that there was an excessive tension in my body. I relaxed and it has just came back again. And here I sit, trying to feel it all without an inner demand for it to feel good but it is there. I want to feel good more often than I want to see reality for what it is and that is exactly what it is at this particular moment. Trying to take a step back from the one who took the step back to look at what is.

Lol, this is endless. Will be going to get a Christmas tree today.

 

DAY 165

Lately it has became a habit to end the week by playing computer games. Day lost.

 

WEEK 23 REVIEW

Goals

Morning routine:

• Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Check (6/7)
• Affirmation habit - Failure. (2/7) (do I even try? still no. just do not remember at the right time)
• Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Check (6/7).
• Learning for 30 minutes in the morning - Failure (?/7). (I have to clarify this goal)
• Cold shower - Check (6/6) (yes I did not shower on Sunday, too busy gaming)

Others:

• No gaming - Failure (Sunday lost)
• Limited social media time - Check.
• Eating healthy - Check.
• Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check.

Thoughts

The very length of daily journal entries communicate very clearly that my focus on self-development has improved.

One interesting insight. Once you notice more you also notice more emptiness where that new idea that you just discovered does not appear. This made me realize that I am more than I experienced before at the same time I am less than I experienced before. When one grows he also becomes smaller. That is probably the way to reach ultimate destination when you become one with everything and nothing.

I still struggle with smoking - I smoked less but I am unable to quit completely. It is not something I want consistently, it is something I want sometimes. This does not work. It is easy for a man who ate a cake to say I won't eat cake anymore but it is difficult to say I won't eat it if you have had no sweets for a month and cake looks amazing. When I smoke too much I always wanna quit. If I keep my smoking balanced and smoke only after work - I do not worry about it much. Weekends are a different story. It is more difficult to find balance when it is a day off.

Goals

Affirmations. I will put a mental trigger to remember. I will stick something to my shampoo bottle so every time I wash my head I remember to do affirmations.

Learning in the morning is a bit tricky. At least few times a week I go to work earlier and do not have time for learning although in some cases working also teaches me stuff. I have just made specific list of stuff I want to read or memorize. I just need to be more disciplined. If I go to work early I won't count it as a missed opportunity but if I go on time and do not learn anything this will count as a failure to complete the goal.

 

Thats is for this week,

Thank you for reading, 

TakeCare

[TakeCare]

WEEK 24

 

DAY 166

Reached an unsettling level of confusion but it did not stay long. It all happened after yoga where I really pushed myself hard. Towards the end I felt as if I might puke. It all ended well though and the refreshing effect of yoga was simply fantastic.

Today I remembered few experiences from my childhood. I remembered few deep moments where I really felt that all what is happening is just me. It is all in my head and there is really nothing good or bad. It is easy to rationally think that but these were strong and meaningful experiences that might have had an enormous impact to my further growth. As an old Greek once (or more likely twice) said: learning is remembering.

 

DAY 167

Could not find yoga mat in the morning. Every minute wasted resulted in having less time for learning. I noticed myself getting angry or at least irritated. It passed, just as all feelings do. I did not forget about affirmations this morning, thanks to my shampoo bottle.

It is a crazy time at work right now. A lot of deadlines, some people shouting and swearing and some people doing their best to get stuff done. Day was relatively peaceful despite of what was happening around.

The way missing yoga mat triggered me in the morning looks pretty hilarious now.

 

DAY 168

No entry.

 

DAY 169

Very full-program day. There was a social gathering at my place. I made me think that it would be a good idea to socialize more and meet new people or get to know better one's that I have in my friend circle.

 

DAY 170

Friday. Work work work. I listened to Sadhguru a lot today and few days earlier. What a profound human being. I will be watching and listening a lot more.

I made a very concrete commitment to not play any computer games this weekend. I played at least one day in last three or 4 weeks I think. Looking forward for the next two days.

A note - it easy to mix up message with the messenger. It might be easier to receive the message when it is detached from the messenger.

 

DAY 171

I wondered how much my meditation practice differs from strong determination sitting. I put a little bit extra effort and did not move at all. 30 mins of sds did not seem that difficult. I had more trouble staying at peace with my mind. I do not know why but if I sleep longer I generally having to go through an emotional pit during first few hours after waking up. Sometimes I used to guilt myself for "wasting time" with an excess sleep but this morning the source of my emotional challenges was not it. Nonetheless, I have no clue why it happened.

Extreme cravings for gaming arose in the evening. Unless I have to work on weekend I struggle with the way I spend my time. I had time to meditate some more today but I did not. There is a subtle web of lies that I tell to myself. I had some insights in the evening but I ind it difficult to put it all in words at the moment.

 

DAY 172

I woke up really late this morning. I am not used to that. It feels terrible I will tell you that. I just had an hour of intense cravings for gaming. I feel very conflicted inside. I am not a teenager who has too much free time and is looking to "kill" it. I have two days per week at most where I can more or less freely choose what I want to do and I keep coming back to the same old option. For once I committed to not playing this weekend and I barely managed that. It was very close. Barely managed to evoke enough will-power to resist.

I am addicted to stimulation. It comes in forms of youtube, gaming, smoking, sometimes food, coffee. My consistency is fragmented. Better than it has ever been but still very much interrupted by various addictions.

I thought a lot about intuition these days. There was a moment where I felt that I have already made all decisions in life and the only thing that has remained is me trying to resist them. If I would follow my intuition I would be aligned with those decisions. [Matrix reference]  Neo was offered a candy by Oracle and he asked her: But how do I choose if you already know my choice? And she said: "You did not come here to make a choice, you have already made it. You are here to try to understand why you made it".

 

WEEK 24 REVIEW

Goals

Morning routine:

• Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Check (5/6)
• Affirmation habit - Check. (5/7) (good, but I am going to focus on this more)
• Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Check (5/6).
• Learning for 30 minutes in the morning - Failure (3/6). (Tough)
• Cold shower - Check (7/7) (haven't missed a day since this was started)

Others:

• No gaming - Check (Finally! Required a great effort)
• Limited social media time - Somewhere in between (weekend was out of balance on this matter).
• Eating healthy - Check (though there were some sweets on weekend)
• Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check.

 

Thoughts

I came to the realisation that I do not have courage to fully follow my intuition. There are various social / logical structures and emotional patterns that resist intuition. To sum it up it can be labeled simply as "fear". Fear of failure, fear of losing something that I have now, fear of change, fear of risk, fear of being rejected and so on.

Although I have developed some important habits I still often feel like I am walking in circles. Yes, the circle got bigger but I do not fully commit to one direction. Some of the stuff I do goes against what I am trying to achieve or realise. Shit. I want to go to the next level. I want to seriously dedicate myself to what I truly value the most. I want to reorganize my priorities. There is nothing holding me back without my permission. There is only me in my way.

I need to remember that I can start only from the point where I am right now. I can not start from the next level of consciousness to get to even higher level. It takes time.

 

Thank you for reading, 

TakeCare

[TakeCare]

WEEK 25

DAY 173

Woke up, drank lemon water sat down to meditate. Towards the end I felt so sleepy i laid down and fell asleep for 15 minutes. Woke up because it was cold and decided to go back to bed. Slept for another 30 minutes. At work felt terrible. 0 motivation.

Yoga class was very difficult but after the practice I slowly started recovering the balance.

 

DAY 174

I almost skipped my morning routine. I woke up in time but after drinking lemon water did not really want to do anything. It felt meaningless. However I go my shit together and tapped into my will power resources. Even though I felt good afterwards I had some cravings for a smoke. It is still morning now, I will update on how the day went. I have a feeling it might be somehow different.

---

And the day was amazing. I realised that yesterday whatever happened I found the way to project it in a negative way. Today I was energetic, productive although nothing has really changed from yesterday. I know it is very obvious amd there is no very deep insights but Jesus Flippin Crust emotionally it was completely different day, completely different life.

 

DAY 175

When I turn on cold water there arises a strong feeling inside me which has similarities to fear. Immediate switch from hot to cold hits my body with shock to which I got quite used to but there also arises a strong emotion which has always happened but I noticed it much more clearly this morning.

I noticed that I have been cracking fingers from time to time these last few days. Will keep my eye on it.

How to do things with ease? Should I even try? Trying itself kind of implies that there will be struggle, that failure is a posibility. Maybe I should just do it. Well, I tried multiple times today. The patterns are strong though and I kept coming back to feeling tension at work. It was not very significant, I did not feel stressed but I was almost always tense in the background. Doing things with ease, being at peace is not a goal, it is a necessary requirement for doing anything at all.

---

I am cracking my fingers more and more often. If it goes on I will have to revive crack-counter for the next week.

 

DAY 176

It has been a while since I woke up so easily in the morning. Felt relaxed and peaceful. I saw my mind starting to look for something wrong. In some way I felt uncomfortable. I am not used to feeling fully peaceful so my mind did a good job at finding "something wrong" or rather creating "something wrong" since all those thoughts had nothing to do with reality whatsoever.

Yoga class. Amazing. I do not understand what is happening exactly but first I start feeling negative emotions. Something starts triggering anger in me. Sometimes external stuff, sometimes internal. Sometimes I feel a bit frustrated when I notice what kind of thoughts I am having at that particular moment. I attempt to observe, I remind myself that I am not my thoughts, but still it triggers negative emotions. Then I try to remind myself that I am also not my emotions and so on. Many little things happen why going through various poses. I often gradually calm down and after class I feel great. I feel peaceful and refreshed. Today after yoga I felt it particularly strongly.

Life is crazy.

 

DAY 177

Got triggered in the morning while I was getting ready for my trip. I could not find some stuff that I really needed. I did find it eventually after acting like a moron for a while.

I was intoxicated for 16 hours this particular day. Since I drink so rarely I thought I will be totally smashed but somehow managed to balance things pretty well. Drank a lot of water, ate relatively fine. Left a snow angel after sauna. It was not really that cold thanks to cold showers.

I knew this was coming and I was not trying to avoid it. It was a special occasion which was celebrated with a group of people in a way that is very common in my country.

 

DAY 178

Hangover was mediocre. Felt really melancholic throughout the day. Did not socialize much although most of the time was spent among people.

 

DAY 179

Day lost. Gaming all day. Still have not completely recovered after a party, felt lazy and unmotivated. 

 

WEEK 25 REVIEW

Goals

Morning routine:

• Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Not too good (4/6)
• Affirmation habit - Check. (5/7) (good, but not good enough)
• Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - This is definitely not good (4/6).
• Learning for 30 minutes in the morning - Failure (3/6). 
• Cold shower - Check (7/7)

Others:

• No gaming - Fail (Sunday lost)
• Limited social media time - Check.
• Eating healthy - Check but worse than usual
• Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check.

Thoughts

Well week started really well but I was not ready for the party. Recovered slowly which led into spending time in stupid ways. Still feeling pretty terrible.

Thank you for reading, 

TakeCare

[TakeCare]

WEEK 26

DAY 180

Uf. I twisted my arm a bit so no yoga at least for today.

Meditated for 5 minutes. Just could not sit there.

I will get back on track tomorrow.

 

DAY 181

Woke up in time, exercised then managed to meditate for 10 minutes (sadly, this is an improvement), then went back to bed.

I have this feeling from time to time that I just want to do something crazy, something radically different. It feels as if I cannot keep going the way I am going although when I look at my life it is better than it has ever been before. Well, first thing that I am going to do is meditate since I did not manage to do that in the morning.

---

It was refreshing. A lot of thoughts and level of awareness was relatively low but refreshing nonetheless.

 

DAY 182

Christmas is almost here. I realized this morning that I have to seriously dedicate some time to get ready to face all the challenges that await - communicating with relatives, food, laziness, more challenging morning routine and so on.

Also, I came to work two hours earlier. I found the way to do my morning routine during lunch break. There is a room where I can go during lunch break, usually no one goes there. So I did my 20 minutes of yoga and 30 minute meditation undisturbed. I am glad that there was a certain level of flexibility expressed. Not in yoga but in being able to complete what I want despite circumstances (yoga was great too though).

Oh and by the way, I removed all games from my computer. Not the first time this year but still a necessary action to take at the moment.

 

DAY 183

Crazy times at work but I feel energized. I observe myself and environment, I keep bringing attention to my breathing and it feels amazing. Also, I got a bonus at my job. That was unexpected. Funny thing is that I first became excited and only then I was informed about the bonus. Bonus did not make me happy or excited, it intensified those feelings but they were present before good news came in. I guess my efforts on consistency that I have displayed was noticed.

 

DAY 184

Christmas almost here. What it means this days is so far form what it originally was all about. My country is considered to be christian country although almost none of my relatives consistently go to church or pray (unless something terrible happens). Culturally it has a strong impact to daily routine. You get day off to meet your relatives and embrace the limit of your stomach by consuming extreme amounts of various food. I am going home tomorrow. Anticipation is not really there. My Christmas experience is generally very mixed up and overall it has a disempowering effect.

 

DAY 185 & DAY 186

Staying strong. Balancing the food pretty well although there is social pressure to EAT fucking everything. Try this try that, someone spent hours making a cake or a stake so you HAVE to try it. You have to. And "trying it" means eating a full portion.

Also people getting into discussions that really mean nothing. One distortion against another distortion without an intention to find truth. It is all about trying to convince someone.

Another popular topic is called "time flies fast". I was not understood when I said that time goes in a pace as it goes and it always has been this way (I really felt an urge to add that there is only this moment but that would have been a fuel for another useless debate). I was told that I am still young and that is why it looks this way for me. "You will not notice how fast life goes by" someone said. Well, thank you for projecting your version of reality on me. I even have people my age saying "shit another year passed, I did not even notice". I guess that is a weak spot for me. Triggers me every time.

There was also some drama, some tears, some people trying to fix stuff, some people drinking too much. Just like always. Christmas. This might very well be the last Christmas of this kind for me.

 

WEEK 25 REVIEW

Goals

Morning routine: 

• Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Fine for Christmas period (4/6)
• Affirmation habit - Fine for Christmas period  (5/7)
• Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Fine for Christmas period  (5/7).
• Learning for 30 minutes in the morning - Removing this goal. I will change it to more specific by making a plan to learn specific stuff in a specific period of time.
• Cold shower - Check (6/6)

Others:

• No gaming - Check.
• Limited social media time - Check.
• Eating healthy - Lol. Of course failure. One does not easily withstand Christmas when it comes to food.
• Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check.

Thoughts

Chaotic week. Worse than my usual week but better than any other Christmas I have ever had.

Also, I have already started making a plan for next year. This is exciting.

 

Thank you for reading, 

TakeCare

[TakeCare]

WEEK 27

 

There will be no daily review for this week. To sum it up:

• I have used willpower of a 5 year old.
• I did very little exercise and meditation.
• Daily engaged in excessive eating and various kinds of low consciousness activities.

I tried to convince myself that it is the last days of year and it is an "experiment" to remind myself how I used to live. I did not buy it though. I understood that in its essence I just wanted to in various pleasures and comfort but I went along anyway. What I noticed is that my baseline level of awareness was higher no matter how little effort I put to be actively aware.

 

So.

 

2017 here we go.

Instant goals:

• Give up smoking.
• Give up all gaming related shit.

There are absolutely no excuses or valid reasons to even consider doing any of the above. This year will not be about me "trying" to change those things. It is done. Life goes on. If I will discover that I was more fulfilled doing those things after a year I will come back to old habits.

Goals:

• Attend minimum of 3 retreats.
• Experiment with diet (do a one week ascetic diet).
• Continue meditation practice.
• Continue yoga practice.
• Travel to 2 different countries.
• Learn to use 2 specific software programs that would be useful to my job.
• Continue minimizing the time I spend on social media and news to one minute per day.

Read list:

• Sadhguru "Inner engineering"
• Ken Wilber "Sex, ecology, spirituality"
• Marcus Aurelius "Meditations"
• Epictetus "Discourses"
• Series of journals and two books related to my profession (not going into the specifics)
• + Adding more books when this list is completed.

Underlying theme of the year - transforming my need for comfort. I am willing to go crazy so to speak. 

That is it.

 

Wish me luck,

TakeCare

[Kenhol]

At least you have the habit of writing a journal  That in itself is valuable

[TakeCare]

@Kenhol It is indeed, thanks. Helps me to stay on track. When the year will be completed I will do a in-depth review of what has happened. I am sure it will be very useful for me and I hope it will help to someone else too.

 

WEEK 28

DAY 192

Meditated, practiced yoga, ate healthy, did not smoke, did not waste time, spent one minute on social media, went out of comfort zone to meet with the people that matter.

Overall, great start !

 

DAY 193

I woke up at 4 in the morning. Felt thirsty. My body started cleaning up because I did not smoke yesterday. I had several half-awake dreams where in the end I got confused about being awake or sleeping. I had a dream in which I went to sleep and then I woke up in real life. I was so confused when I woke up I was not sure how to continue being.

So again I meditated, practiced yoga, ate healthy, did not smoke, did not waste time, spent one minute on social media, kept learning using new software. I noticed a fair amount of negative imaginary conversations and also increased tension in body. It takes effort to get back on track and all non-smoking situation affects my mood. I did not struggle though, no cravings or anything that time will come later I suppose. Although physically I felt quite poorly today. In the evening something happened to my stomach, I had to lay down and rest for a while.

 

DAY 194

Woke up at 3 in the morning. Thirsty once again. Few more days and this shall pass.

Later on morning routine took place. Still very much difficult. I noticed that I am often trying to find some sort of comfort in my yoga and meditation practice. This is a big trap. These practices are not about comfort. My life is not about comfort. It is not easy to get over it because it is how I lived my entire life.

I am not saying that I never got out of comfort zone but in a way it always has been in an attempt to get comfort later. It is like a delayed gratification which in its essence is still a gratification. I don’t want this to be a guiding light for me anymore.

Also, there was a birthday at work. There was a cake. I ate none. In a way I have transcended the cake lol.

Towards the evening emotional storm has started. Externally I was fine but inside... I had some cravings for food and for smoking. My mind was rattling non-stop with various contradicting ideas. I have VERY difficult time not identifying with my thoughts. Uf. Great day nevertheless !

 

DAY 195

Tonight I woke up at 1 o'clock. Thirsty again. It is happening earlier every day.

There is so much happening. If I look closely I get overwhelmed by observations.

I was very tired in the evening but found some time to learn despite that.

 

DAY 196

Woke up tonight again. This time 12 o'clock. Not sure what is happening but the way it is going it will end soon.

Meditation was very strong. I kept counting from 1 to 10 trying to keep focus. It is not easy. I also understood that I did not put my best effort to meditation lately. I got kind of comfortable and started daydreaming more and actually meditating less. Well, this week it has been different. Especially this morning.

 

DAY 197

Sometimes I underestimate how much I overestimate my growth. I am moving forward there is no doubt about that but once I change my environment to some extent I tend to go back to old patterns. I went of my comfort zone and went to meet some friends I have not seen for a while. I probably was more present with them than I have ever been before but still it were just moments. Moment here, moment there but all in all I was somewhere else.

This journey is.

 

DAY 198

I woke about half an hour before alarm clock. I laid on my back and tried to focus on breathing. It was an interesting half-awake half asleep state. Later after I woke up I felt very peaceful which made my morning routine very deep and present.

Spent 5 minutes on social media today. I thought maybe I will review all the stuff I may have missed during the week and (not a big surprise) I missed nothing important. Politics are more or less the same as it was. Tragedies are being reported from all over the world. As usual a lot of click-bait articles. I watched a dog too afraid to go through the glass door which had its' glass removed. Cute. That’s what I missed. Can I live with one minute of this per day? I believe I can.

And suddenly my day was struck by some news which resulted in me working for 8 hours on Sunday, getting really really angry and dealing with high level cravings. I was doing so well this week it was to good to be true. Well, today put things in balance.

I was pissed. Man... I do not remember being this angry for a long time. I was so frustrated then I went to sleep I just couldn't lay, could't relax. There was a heavy pressure on my chest. I also ate a decent amount of pie today and drank 3 cups of coffee. Did not watch any gaming related content although I was so so so close to doing that. Shit.

In the process of being angry I asked myself: who is the one that is being angry? I also tried focusing on breathing, repeating affirmations. No matter what I did I got stuck in an angry state because I had so much stuff to do till the end of the day. I didn't have a luxury of taking another half on hour to meditate. I just worked and raged. Not a pleasurable but a very important learning experience for me.

 

Thoughts

This week I have spent about 10+ hours learning couple of the programs from my new year resolution list and turns out they are very easy to use. There is still stuff to learn but for now I know what I need to now. I have learned features that are actually useful for my day to day work and the rest I can learn for fun at my spare time if I want to. The thing is - I have already completed one of my new year resolutions. I thought this will take a lot of time but since I already work with a lot of programs to learn couple of new programs is not hard. Feeling great about the progress that happened.

There were quite a few occasions where I was about to open facebook or news portal just out of a pure habit. If there is a moment where I am not sure what to do my starts hovering towards facebook bookmark. Just few seconds of daydreaming and here it goes. Not feeling a need for social media. 1 minute per day seems to be enough.

Experimented with binaural beats this week. Can't really tell if they have any significant effect but I liked the process. I will be doing more of this.

It is difficult to explain but sometimes I get a really weird feeling. When I become aware of how many things are happening at this moment and how incredible and endlessly intricate reality is I imagine myself trying to explain it for someone and I just can't. I start to feel resistance because I feel a need to be able to explain my experiences in words. This pattern happened few times already and it always brings me down a little bit.

I am listening to Sadhguru almost everyday. I decided that I will listen/watch every video that he has on his channel. The content that is provided there is just amazing. Also I am reading his book "Inner engineering" (as it was mentioned in my new year resolution list).

 

Goals

Morning routine: 

• Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Check (7/7)
• Affirmation habit - Check (7/7) (a little bit everyday)
• Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Check (7/7).
• Cold shower - Check (6/6)

Others:

• No smoking - Check.
• No gaming - Check.
• Limited social media time - Check.
• Eating healthy - Check (Weekend was a little loose)
• Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check.

Progress on yearly goals:

• Learned to use two new software programs - completed (well, that was super fast.)
• Read half of Sadhguru's "Inner engineering".

Very happy with the results displayed. Probably the most productive and most full of awareness week I have ever experienced.

 

Thank you for reading, 

TakeCare

[TakeCare]

WEEK 29

DAY 199

I dreamt that I smoked. I got very frustrated because I "forgot" that I am not doing that anymore. Luckily it was just a dream.

Yoga class was smooth today. It felt more natural than usual, stretching was more pleasurable than I am used to.

In the next days I will experiment with awareness and sleep. I will attempt to be aware the moment I fall asleep. Sounds like it is impossible. Maybe it is. It does not matter. It means nothing until I bring this idea to direct experience.

In the evening while I was reading there came a thought that my biggest weakness might be that I think I know some stuff and I identify with it very firmly. Then I start to make distinctions between people that know and the ones that do not know. If I know and they don't I look down on them, If they know and I don't I look up to them. Now I read what I wrote and it does fully express what I want to say. I am not able to communicate this properly.

 

DAY 200

Yay, two hundred days already.

I do not see how falling asleep while being aware is possible. It might need several years of continuous practice and it might very well be worth it.

It was a weird day. I found time to sit for a extra meditation in the evening.

 

DAY 201

I spent my lunch break doing short yoga + meditation session. I am grateful to have this option at work.

 

DAY 202

Can I stop trying to improve things? Can I stop attempting to change myself? It is an obsession for me. Can it be that this very obsession is what actually is preventing me from growing in certain areas?

Can I just do what I do without evaluating what is right and what is wrong? After all, it is just my opinion, I do not really know which is which.

Spent two minutes on facebook today. Found one useful link to an article. All else was just noise.

 

DAY 203

Tough start.

I am often evaluating my momentary situation by what I get from it. If I do something I must get something back. Well, not only something random but something that is equal to the amount of effort I put into specific activities. This is where I tend to generate a lot of noise and negative emotions. If life was a trade deal, first of all, I would have to pay for the very fact that I exist. I am in infinite debt instantly.

Can I just do things that I find most appropriate at the specific moment/situation and just observe what happens? Once I do something and expect a certain result no matter what result I get I evaluate it in comparison with my expectation. This leads to distorted perception of reality. Therefore, whenever I closely identify with specific expectations I can not see what is really happening.

 

DAY 204

I went to buy a new keyboard today. Once I entered the shop there was a pc glaring at me with my favourite game open. It was directly in front of the entrance. Oh the irony. I do not want to play it but I want to watch some tournaments. Cravings have resurfaced. I have spent 10 minutes reading some info about upcoming tournaments.

 

DAY 205

Awareness during meditation was higher than usual.

I have installed a timer for facebook because I started loosing track of time there. I am not getting lost completely, just a little bit. Today it was four minutes. I watched a video about a fox which was rescued and raised in captivity and some photos of some people that I do not really care much about.

I worked for 5 hours today and later had some gaming streams on in the background while taking care of some mundane stuff. At the moment I do not feel bad about that although I feel like I should. And I also feel that if there is something that I really should do maybe I actually should not. That is also a should. Logic is taking me nowhere I just want to shut up.

 

Thoughts

Several times this week I was looking at the mirror with the feeling that something is different. I am not sure if it is actually physical or if it is just my perception of my physical body that has changed. It is a weird feeling.

Living with addictions can be easier. It can be more painful but at the same time it is easier. There is always something to wait for, there are things that always make you feel better. Once you quit something there eventually come times where you just do no know what to do and you do not want to do anything. It is a feeling of emptiness that screams to be filled with some stimulating (and probably addictive) activity.

 

Goals

Morning routine: 

• Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Check (7/7)
• Affirmation habit - Check (6/7) (a little bit everyday except Sunday)
• Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Check (7/7).
• Cold shower - Check (6/6)

Others:

• No smoking - Check.
• No gaming - Check. (watched some streams though)
• Limited social media time - Check. (4 days with only one minute social media time, others <4 min)
• Eating healthy - Check (ate some sugary stuff on Sunday)
• Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check.

Progress on yearly goals:

• Continue reading Sadhguru's "Inner engineering". I think I will finish it next week.
• Bought tickets to travel to Netherlands in March. 
• Register to a retreat on February.

Moving forward !

 

That is it for this week, 

TakeCare

[TakeCare]

WEEK 30

 

DAY 206

I felt different in my body today. My back is a trouble for almost a week but despite of that I felt vibrant. I also felt lighter. I think continuous yoga practice has started delivering some physical results. Also, I did not smoke for two weeks already and that also affects my physical well-being.

New affirmation appeared unexpectedly many times throughout a day - "pay attention".

Finished reading "Inner engineering". It was a very good reading material even though in the very end there was some stuff that I had hard time taking seriously. I still identify my personality as "rational". It is more open-minded than ever but still really suspicious to various woo-woo concepts.

Tomorrow I will start listening to Bill Harris "The new science of super awareness"

 

Fingers cracked 5 times.

 

DAY 207

Towards the evening my life powers have disappeared. It has been a while since the last time I felt so tired. I have no idea why though.

Also I feel there is no way back for me. I can't see myself completely dropping the path that I am treading on right now.

 

Fingers cracked 4 times.

 

DAY 208

Everyday listening a little bit of "The New Science of Super Awareness". So far quite interesting although still not much talk about the actual mothods that are going to be shared. Looking forward to that.

My days are different from what they used to be.

 

Fingers cracked 2 times.

 

DAY 209

Intense day at work. Awareness was lower than usual. Once stress is perceived awareness drops significantly. Yoga class was tough. Feeling fine though.

 

Fingers cracked 4 times.

 

DAY 210

I had an important meeting this morning and another one in the afternoon. A different pace than usual.

This evening urge to smoke presented itself in a very subtle form. It did not look like it is a bad thing, I even was sure that if I smoke now I will not start smoking daily. I dropped that certainty few minutes later when I finally smelled that it is bullshit. I felt tired at that time and I was looking for some form of reward. I did not smoke but it was a risky situation.

 

Fingers cracked 3 times.

 

DAY 211

Morning routine required a fair share of will power. I was not at home, maybe that's why. Different pattern.

Later on day became very mellow. I do not mean this in a positive way. It was mellow but also heavy. I often find weekends more challenging than work days. Maybe it is because in 5 work days a lot of unresolved questions and suppressed emotions accumulate and weekend (or at least one day of the weekend) goes for restoring balance.

I started noticing new windows of possibility that open for just a few seconds. It might be in the middle of conversation or when choosing what to do next or when seeing a possibility to go beyond certain blocks that keep me stuck or whatever but the thing is that it is scary. I think I am slowly starting to be more and more aware of how often I actually choose safety instead of growth. What this means is that once I have enough awareness I actually can start making choices consciously. Easier said than done though.

 

Fingers cracked 4 times.

 

DAY 212

Today was a majestic leap back to old habits.

This was like a completely separate reality. I did almost all the stuff that I wanted to avoid for the last three weeks. I did not play any computer games but I ate unhealthy, smoked, skipped morning routine and generally had a lazy time.

And you know what? That is fine as long as I get back on track tomorrow. I really pushed hard since the start of the year and there was a lot of stuff which I felt like I "have" to do. I followed through just fine but something was out of balance.

 

Goals

*Sunday is not included into goal review.

** Also, goal review format is a little bit adjusted.

Routine goals: 

• Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Check (6/6)
• Affirmation habit - Check (6/6)
• Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Check (6/6).
• Cold shower - Check (6/6)
• No smoking - Check.
• No gaming - Check.
• Limited social media time - Check. (although I think my time spent on facebook is slowly increasing)
• Eating healthy - Check
• Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check.

Long term:

• Reading: Done reading Sadhguru's "Inner engineering"; Started listening to audiobook "The New Science Of Super Awareness " by Bill Harris
• Watching/listening through Sadhguru's youtube channel: 351 videos left.
• Yoga: Found a 15 lesson yoga class which I will attend when there will be a new group announced. Also, I need to save up some money, this ain't cheap.

SUNDAY WAS A TORNADO OF COMPULSIONS!

 

Thoughts

Yoga that I have at work two times a week is very good for me but I feel that it is only scratching the surface. We do not talk much about the non-physical part of yoga. Mostly we are following instructions by doing what the teacher does and that’s it. This is the reason why I decided to find some other place to get more knowledge about what I am actually doing. Also, I want to meet people who are taking this seriously and don't see yoga as just a physical exercise. I will save up money and wait until registration for the next group will be open. This might be after couple of months.

Finger cracking - damn. How easily it came back into my life.. Gotta take care of it once again.

I do not want to talk much about Sunday. What happened - happened. I believe I will recover tomorrow. If so then all this unhealthy behaviour might have been useful. It is possible that I have faced too much shadow material during these three weeks, More than I could handle. Or I just became lazy and used all the negativity as an excuse to dive into compulsions. Time will tell. 

 

Thank you for reading, 

TakeCare

[TakeCare]

WEEK 31

 

DAY 213

I woke up feeling good. Usually, after such a day as yesterday, I would feel devastated.

There was some pressure on my chest. If you read my journal some time ago you know that I was struggling with it. It is the feling that used to lead to panic attacks from time to time.

Came back home, did not smoke, ate healthy, did not waste time. I even sat for a second 30 minute meditation. There is more tension than usual, I think it is because of yesterday's overstimulation.

 

Fingers cracked 4 times.

 

DAY 214

As usual I woke up immediately after alarm went off. Prepared lemon water, completed breathing exercises, yoga routine and meditated for half an hour. Seems like a good way to start mindful day but 10 minutes later I get into argument with my girlfriend which continues for like 15 minutes. Not to mention it was totally stupid argument about small daily things. Gosh..

I came home and all of the sudden I was overwhelmed by a mix of sadness and dissatisfaction (for no particular reason). I laid down on bed for few minutes and thought about what I was going to do. I knew that I have already decided - I will smoke this evening. And I did. Fuck. My. Life.

Later, with a hope to restore balance, I sat for second meditation today. I have finished audiobook on binaural beats and following that I will be experimenting for a while now. First experience of meditating with binaural beats felt different from usual meditation. Can't distinguish if it was less or more effective but it was obviously different.

 

Fingers cracked 4 times.

 

DAY 215

Morning train of thought was crazy. 20 different topics with several bullet that cause negative emotions. Non-stop. All of it is more or less sutle but stuff accumulates.

Level of awareness has been high today. I think there are very good reasons why in general awareness is limited. One has to be ready to handle it. Every increase in ability to perceive "what is" can and most of the time is challenging. That is based on my experience.

The pressure on chest visited me once again. For quite a while I did not experience this only last few days I started feeling it again. Is it related to smoking? Or maybe this feeling is linked in some indirect way ( smoking causes something that causes feeling pressure?) Shit. It is really heavy.

After lunch it got better but there still was some tention hanging around. Had major cravings for a smoke after I got back home.

Started reading Marcus Aurelius "Meditations".

 

Fingers cracked 4 times.

 

DAY 216

It is morning now. I will do my best to stop this finger cracking habit.

---

Yoga class was tough today. Also, I just realized that for a while I had a constant negative stream of emotions working in the background. Feeling fine now though.

Jesus fliipin Crust I have just semi-accidentally cracked a finger. Shit.

 

Fingers cracked 1 time.

 

DAY 217

While preparing breakfast (which lasted not more than 10 minutes) I found myself feeling tension in my shoulders. Not once, but seven times !!! The day was just beginning, I have completed my morning routine and despite of that I can't keep my body relaxed.

In the evening I was so tired. It is not a big surprise to feel exhausted when I am so tense throughout the day.

 

Fingers cracked 2  times.

 

DAY 218

I experienced some anger this morning. I got triggered by the negativity experienced in the external environment which was created by another person. Before I had a chance to react it was already accepted by my system and became my anger. All this event is a minor issue I might be blowing it out of proportion but it is important for me. I am striving to become emotionally unshakeable when it comes to reacting to external events.

 

Fingers cracked 2  times.

 

DAY 219

Today I had an occasion to celebrate with my closest relatives. Generally in my home environment I get triggered very easily but I did fine today. It was far from perfect but there was a better level of self-awareness and more enjoyable time than usually.

 

Fingers cracked 1 time.

 

WEEK 31 REVIEW

Goals

Routine goals:

• Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Check (7/7)
• Affirmation habit - Check (6/7)
• Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Check (7/7).
• Cold shower - Check (7/7)
• No smoking - Failure.
• No gaming - Check.
• Limited social media time - Check.
• Eating healthy - Check
• Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check.

Long term:

• Reading: Started reading Marcus Aurelius "Meditations"
• Watching/listening through Sadhguru's youtube channel: 286 videos left.

 

Thoughts:

The main issue that three days out of seven I smoked and I did not feel bad about it. I am once again considering smoking "from time to time" which is bullshit in a way. I am not that well-balanced. I feel that I need to at least set some limit to how much smoking is ok. But once I set the limit immediately some tension arises and when I am in one of my "downs" I might ignore the limit. It happened many times before. One of the scenarios could be if I smoked from time to time without having a compulsion to smoke. Something like once or twice a week. Ideal scenario would be for me to really feel that smoking is stupid and that it makes me feel bad physically (and sometimes emotionally). I do see it this way sometimes but sometimes it is the thing that I crave for. So. The plan is to not set any boundaries. I will do a visualization every morning where I truly focus on how it makes me feel. I will have no expectations and I will not use will power to stop myself. The only thing I will do I will just ask myself if I truly feel that it is the thing that I really want to be doing. That’s it.

Besides that it was a good week. I will have a lot of work coming next week which is fine because it is something that I want to do.

In general I want to focus on just simply doing the most sensible thing. Not the right thing, not the wrong thing, not the good ar bad thing but the most sensible, the most appropriate thing at a particular situation. This is the mindset that I am trying to make the core of the way I am operating.

 

Thank you for reading,

TakeCare

[TakeCare]

WEEK 32

DAY 220

I woke up a little bit sick this morning. Sat down to meditate and it was really challenging. I scanned all the sensations in my body and it did not feel pleasant. At that point I did not understand that I was about to get sick. Another thing that I did not anticipate at that point is that so many things will be so different for the rest of the week.

 

DAYS 221 & 222

Woke up feeling poorly, went to job two hours earlier just because I couldn't sleep. Finished the work that was necessary for today's meeting and left telling my co-workers that I will work from home today.

Working at home while sick? That is not something that I wish for anyone. Basically I struggled a lot with my not so difficult tasks, had a hard time concentrating and also experienced some anger because I should be lying in bed and not working (although that was my choice).

 

DAYS 223 & 224

These two days were a giant leap back to living a compulsion driven life. Eating all the sweets that have accumulated during Christmas season? Sure, why not. Spending hours on youtube watching entertainment based videos? Oh yes. Smoking? Of course, I do not even care that I am sick. Playing computer games? You know the answer.

Friday in the evening I sat down in the kitchen and just did not know what to do now. How do I get back on track? I tried to read Marcus Aurelius "Meditations" but my eyes were too tired because of gaming all day long.

 

DAYS 225 & 226

These two days were my first steps towards recovery. I had a lot of work to do on one of the projects because we are having a competition at work where I can win a small amount of cash but more importantly express my creativity and boost my reputation before asking for a raise (this will be coming in a couple of months).

And so I worked. I think it was about 12 hours both days. Still felt pretty poorly dealing with a cold by drinking tea, spraying stuff into my nose, sitting at home dressed as an eskimo. Managed to complete the task and enjoyed a feeling of actually completing something important.

 

WEEK 32 REVIEW

Routine goals:

• Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Sick.
• Affirmation habit - No attempt here.
• Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Sick, although I feel that I could have at least tried (1/7).
• Cold shower - Sick, 
• No smoking - Failure.
• No gaming - Failure.
• Limited social media time - Failure.
• Eating healthy - Failure.

Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check.

Other goals:

• Reading: Started reading Marcus Aurelius "Meditations" (only read one page or so)
• Watching/listening through Sadhguru's youtube channel: 265 videos left.
• Prepared for a competition - Check.

Thoughts

What about doing the most sensible thing at any given situation? Ech...

Next week will require active effort to balance my routine. If you are reading my journal for a while now you can easily see behavioural patterns that I constantly get back to. Sometimes I am have doubts whether I am actually moving in some direction. Luckily, whenever I take time to answer this question I always honestly come to the conclusion that life is moving forward faster than it has ever did before no matter how rocky the road might be.

Thank you for being here with me, 

TakeCare

[TakeCare]

WEEK 33

DAY 227

Still not 100% healthy but feeling alright. The day has began with a sense of mystery. Everything felt like something new. Cold weather outside, people, traffic. I felt like I was back, ready to continue the journey. I also felt that it all is going to move into next phase which is all about dealing with the consequences of the last week. The week of sickness, the week of laziness, the week of stimulation and compulsions. The week where the cold I caught became a big enough reason to temporarily lose any kind of active involvement in making decisions and all was determined by compulsions.

Fingers cracked 5 times.

 

DAY 228

Morning routine restored ! I am not doing cold shower this week because of health reasons but all the rest was on point.

During the first half of the day I was experiencing a lot of resistance for a certain task I had at work. I had to change my approach several times until I managed to get it done. It was so easy to get distracted. Once I felt that I do not want to do this task immediatelly I was presented with a bundle of reasons for avoiding the task. Each little step I took forward was a little breakthrough. That was probably one of the most rewarding experiences I had at work for a long time.

Fingers cracked 6 times.

 

DAY 229

I had a vivid insight today about how all the self-growth and self-development is an illusion. I am always going to be exactly where I am. I cannot change or grow into anything. I felt that the real me is something that is permanent. Circumstances might change, environment might change, emotions might change, habits might change, needs might change but that which is me is what it is and there is nothing else that it can be and that is the reason why it is me. Sounds like a play of words but shit that is something deep that I am trying to communicate and don't get me wrong - it is not something scary that has happened. Actually, this insight felt liberating.

Fingers cracked once.

 

DAY 230

I had an interesting idea today. Whenever I am able to concentrate on any task to a certain degree I generally have a good time. This means that having a good time is more about being able to concentrate on what you are doing than about what are you doing.

Also today was a presentation for our closed office competition and I won third place Hooray! I should mention that there were only three participants though but the thing is that I showed initiative since most of the people did not have an entry at all. Also the price of 100€ was aquired which is nice.

Fingers cracked once.

 

DAY 231

Fingers cracked 2 times.

 

DAY 232

I spent two hours walking in my hometown. No specific purpose in mind just observing both the environment and my wandering mind. I remembered that I am afraid to walk on ice. Logically I knew it for sure is strong enough to hold me but there were almost no people around and I had this scenario playing out in my imagination where the ice breaks and there is no one to help me get out of the lake. It did not stop me from walking on ice but there was some tension. I think I always knew that I am afraid of that because I had an accident many years ago although I have never honestly admitted having this fear.

Also note to myself: going back home is always a challenge to my eating habits. I was balancing alright except one occasion where I definetely could have stopped eating earlier.

Fingers cracked once.

 

DAY 233

Slept for 10,5 hours tonight. I woke up, switched off the alarm and thought that I will lay  down for 15 minutes or so. It so happened that 15 minutes became 2,5 hours. On workdays I always wake up immediately. There are no debates in my mind whether to sleep some more or not. On weekends I am not that strict although I am starting to think that I should change that. Based on my experience, for most people sleeping long time is a pleasure. For me almost always it feels like a waste of time. The thing is that physically it does not feel good. Even now I feel a bit dizzy and not fully awake. If I set an alarm I might as well wake up. On those rare occasions when I feel that I really need some more sleep I should set alarm for another 15 or 30 minutes. That’s it.

I felt pretty crappy for first few hours this morning. It is still very difficult for me to fully own those emotions. The impulse to distance myself from what is unpleasant is like a bad habit. I did well though.

Meditated for an hour today. Next week I will be attending retreat for four days so I decided to meditate longer since there will be four daily meditations which last one hour (unless it will be different this time). It was refreshing. I laid down on the floor for another 10 minutes after it thinking about thinking. It seems that verbal expression is like an echo of an actual thought. The pure thought is much faster and I do not necessarily need to put everything in words to understand it. Is it possible to develop ability to think without words in a daily life? Or is it so different that it is not entirely correct to call that "thinking"?

 

WEEK 33 REVIEW

Routine goals:

• Exercising +breathing exercises daily - Check (7/7)
• Affirmation habit - Check (5/7)
• Meditating for at least 30 mins everyday - Check (7/7)
• Cold shower - Skipped this week because of recent illness.
• No smoking - Failure.
• No gaming - Check.
• Limited social media time - Check.
• Eating healthy - Check (weekend was not perfect though)
• Setting at least one hour per week for review - Check .

Other goals:

• Reading: Finished reading Marcus Aurelius "Meditations".
• Watching/listening through Sadhguru's youtube channel: 252 videos remaining.

 

Thoughts

After last week's sickness I have came back into my routine with a fast pace. Really glad about that. Also, I have finished reading Marcus Aurelius "Meditations". It is not an easy read. It demands a certain level of focus.

I did smoke this week. Did not attempt to do anything about that. I will next week. I will quit eventually.

 

If you have some time please don't hesitate to watch this video. There are quite a few golden nuggets there.

 

That is it for this week, thank you for reading, 

TakeCare

[The Motorcyclist]

@TakeCare

I'm humbled by your journaling efforts. You should give yourself credit for maintaining this for 9 months. Till recently, I haven't been able to journal consistently and my efforts were all over the place. 

Having gone through your last 9 months in the last 60 minutes, I could see a couple of patterns. Hope you do too. And if you don't mind, I'd like like to highlight a couple of things. 

• Falling back repeatedly on old habits. 

I quit masturbation 8 months back. I used to think I'd never be able to quit the habit but it wasn't that difficult. Later on when I read The Power oF Habit (Charles Duhigg) I figured what happened. 

For every habit, there's a cue. A physical cue. For me, it was 10 in the night when my parents slept. The cue triggers the behaviour bypassing conscious thought and it serves itself a reward. And you feel guilty afterwards, you curse yourself and make up assumptions about your personal development and growth.

The idea presented in the book is to identify such cues. And break them. So I figured what if, I slept before my parents slept. So I changed by sleeping time to 9 pm and started getting up at 4 am. No cue. No routine. No reward. But this wasn't a complete success. I used to shag whilst having a bath. How to break that? 

I started going through the benefits of not masturbating. I was so convinced internally on the benefits, that I started associating shame to the act of masturbation (not guilty, guilty is a looser's emotion). I was ashamed of myself. 

Slowly, I cut on the bathing time. Started having quick baths of 15 mins. There was no possibility during the day to shag. For 30 days I didn't do it. In 60 days, I didn't even think about it.

It's been 8 months now. And I'm experiencing the benefits giving me the incentive of not falling back.  You need an incentive of not falling back. Physical, emotional, psychological. Whatever it may be, it makes it worth it. For me, my self esteem was restored. 

• Idea of Space

On weekends, you end up gaming. Assuming you game at home, don't be at home on weekends. Or don't be nearby your equipment. For a large part, your environment triggers your behaviour. Change either of them. If you can't change your behaviour, change the environment. You can make physical changes in your environment such as selling your pc off (I deleted all the porn off all my devices, removed all junk from the house whilst cleaning up my food habits). Say, you can't change the environment, get out of the house and go some place else to do your work. So weekend classes or library or any place you can do your learning. Just don't be in the space so that it doesn't trigger the behaviour.

• Personal Development

Now that you've been monitoring yourself over the year, you can see that personal development is not linear. The way I look at it, I identify one part of my life that needs drastic change. As willpower is limited, I just take that one aspect, focus on it, find relevant content/psychology, break the habit in 30/60 days and move on. Check out leo's video in willpower. Once you build willpower, slowly & steadily, you can afford to become more harsher on yourself everyday. If you try to exert all your willpower in multiple things, progress will be slower, frustrating, you'll not enjoy it, and you'll not pride yourself in having done it. 

I hope this helps in any way. 

BTW, I too am experience with bineural beats. Not sure about the benefits but will be exploring more of the same.

Regards,

The Motorcyclist. 

[The Motorcyclist]

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/10/stevepavlinacom-podcast-004-using-patterns-for-personal-development/

I came across this yesterday. Thought you might find it relevant.

Thanks & Regards