I cant stay consistent in my authenticity

[Nate0068]

My whole life ive been an overthinker in conversations ive had moments where ive been so authentic just flowing beautifully and this does attract women but the thing is i can never keep it goning I always run out of steam like i just start over thinking what to say in a conversation i dont know why im so incapable of keeping consistent conversations over days and weeks with girls I usually start out off very authentic  with girls but as time goes i just get so stale i just run out of things to say how do people keep girl friends for so long ? How do you talk to a person everyday and not get extremely stale like i do i know that theres authenticity in ive had my moments of This is it this is what it feels like to be authentic and flowing with the conversation and all that i just cant cant keep it for the life of me any advice?

[Roy]

I know exactly the feeling you're talking about. I struggled with that for years man, more than a decade from about 14 to 24......

The problem is you have unrealistic expectations of yourself. You feel you have to carry the conversation at all times, like it's your divine responsibility. You feel that when you run out of things to say and you encounter that silence, that awkwardness, that it's some kind of punishment or reflection of yourself. The reality is it's not. 

That fact you're even concerned about this and seeking advice means you're a real genuine person (respect!). I'm willing to guess the content of your conversations is genuine too. You probably get really bored and couldn't be bothered to talk about bullshit right? If you pay attention you'll notice it's hard to keep up and pump out that authenticity and genuine content all the time, that's ok! Realize that most people who are able to talk endlessly and keep a "conversation" going are usually just using filler. They are going over meaningless crap like pop culture, the weather, politics, gossip. Of course there are exceptions but if you pay attention you'll realize this is the case a lot of the time. Ask yourself is it worthy for you to try and fit that mold or would you rather be comfortable being yourself?

It takes 2 people interacting to have an authentic flowing conversation. It's not solely on you.

Embrace the silence and that awkwardness! Learn to be comfortable with it, show that you're confident in it. You'll find that even if you're faking the confidence, most of the time they will break before you do and be desperate to carry on the conversation. This takes the pressure off you and puts the ball in their court. This can come off as manipulative but it's all in the intention. You can make them feel more comfortable too with your body language. Smile at them, have open and chill body language, look around to observe your environment  so you can calm and free your mind from that overthinking. Then the authenticity won't be blocked.

This authenticity can also be impaired because you care too much of what people think of you, but I won't go into that here as my post is already quite long. Hope this helped anyways cheers!

 

[Thought Art]

@Nate0068 I like the book The Magic Of Your Personal Mind Power by Howard Vernon. It's got lists, and a way of presentation that I found shattered these beliefs that I have to act a certain way for women to like me. Also, The Way of The Superior Man was a good book. It basically pointed out why my relationships weren't working and why women 'lied' to me ahah

[bejapuskas]

If you try to be authentic, you stop being authentic, hope this helps  

[Nate0068]

@Roy thanks for the advice ! Yeah you are very right i hate absolutely hate talking about all that stupid small talk shit it gives me a headache 

[korbes]

4 hours ago, bejapuskas said:

If you try to be authentic, you stop being authentic, hope this helps  

I believe this is true, but do you know any books that mentions this?

This is a major isssue for me.

[bejapuskas]

@korbes  I guess it is impossible not to be yourself, you dont need books to feel that. You can be dishonest to yourself / about yourself, thats a thing. But maybe just stop wanting to be authentic in the future?

[universe]

When you run out of things to say its because you have a filter blocking the conversation. Notice how your mind cant ever shut up? So there is really an over-abundance of sentences and words in your mind. When you stop conversation with someone its because you think you dont have anything worthwile to say. Like you feel that the other person might judge what you are saying, or you yourself might judge it. So get rid of these filters. And release all the needs you have

• The need for validation from your conversation partner (placing too much weight on their reaction)
• The need to be in control of what is happening (always trying to say the perfect things)
• The need to be protected (being afraid someone could abandon or attack you)

 

Bonus: If you've done that you will never worry about what to say or running out of things to say. BUT you still might want to improve your communication skills!

1. Be funny. Watch Leos video on "How to become funny", you can get yourself into a fun mode and fill hours of time just by being a bit silly and childish. Like goofing around laughing and just enjoying your company. Common block to being funny is being too serious.
2. Learn storytelling. Basically describe a story in detail by going through each seperate moment experientially. Tell what you saw, heared, smelled or thought. Make gestures, use dynamic loudness and tonality. Build up tension, dont tell everything right away. Make your listener come up with his own questions. Have a strong beginning and ending of your story in mind.
3. Be interested in how the other person sees the world and how they feel. Share yours.
4. Words are not the important part of a conversation. Instead focus on your intention. When you are at work your intention might be to get a task done or share concise information. A lot of guys have this mentality that communication has to be an exchange of information. This will not make for good conversations, instead set the intention to having a good time, building trust and making each other feel more comfortable.
5. Have an interesting life that you can talk about. Have a purpose, dreams and vision in your life.
6. Play with different roles and identities. Change things up and try new things from time to time.
7. Ask for help, people like to share their expertise and give you advice.
8. Do activities together. Collaborate on a project or go see something together.

[bejapuskas]

People don't care what your name is (until you find connection together, which has little to do with names / talking about yourself most of the time) but they like if you remember their name  (don't overuse it though)

[Heyyyyyy]

Edited April 9, 2020 by Heyyyyyy
Could be interpreted as breaking the forum rules

[Tim Stretton]

@korbes Try the book The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.  Don’t be “this” or be “that”, just “be”.  You cannot act yourself.  Just let your natural emanation flow out.  If you run out of things to say, don’t push it, as it’s not natural.  Cool man!  

[Nahm]

It’s not about relationships & small talk, these point to the natural precedence of creating the life you want. Passion isn’t missing from the conversations but from the living. Small talk resonates the nerve of apparent limited time to create & not doing so. (Exaggerated:) “I could be living my dream right now but I’m listening to your rambling...your lack of focusing, your lack of awakening, your lack of living your dream life”.  There’s no shortage of what you are wanting to create. Alignment of thought & feeling will reveal that, as well as calm the mind resulting in presence, and a renewed patience and appreciation for even the miracle of, ‘small talk’. 

[Espaim]

On 05/04/2020 at 1:33 PM, korbes said:

I believe this is true, but do you know any books that mentions this?

This is a major isssue for me.

@korbes Models - Mark Manson