Virgin Shame

[Yukise99]

Can I get help on feeling this way? I feel like there is something wrong with me for being a virgin in my 20s. Surely having sex doesn't define who you are as a person. But after honestly looking inward I keep feeling like a failure because all of my group of friends have had sex and I haven't. Is there anyway to get over this feeling or deal with it? 

[JevinR]

Empower yourself, it would work both ways as a man and a woman. First learn what attraction is, study and learn what it takes to get a guys attention. There are tons of dating and pick-up gurus that could pull the strings for you, but if you want a softer approach it can be done. Men are very visual, as in order to get his attention you need to attract him first, this can be done

Just learn attraction and apply it, it's easier said then done. It goes both ways for guys and girls, learn what men are, who they are at their existential level so you don't have problems in your dating life. What masculinity and femininity really is;

That's all I can trulty contribute, when it comes to dating I avoid at all costs sorry for the garbage advice

Edited June 27, 2016 by JevinR

[clytaemnestra]

Why should you have sex just because everyone else does?

If you don't have virgin shame, you'll have sex-shame if you're prone to follow social norms. You shouldn't be ashamed of anything. It's your body, it's your choice. Don't let society and friends decide for you when is the right time for such an intimate act.

[FindingPeace]

5 hours ago, Yukise99 said:

I feel like there is something wrong with me for being a virgin in my 20s.

So that would make all the millions of other 20-something (or 30, or 40 etc) virgins all wrong aswel then?

You tend to only hear about the people who are having sex and not about the ones who aren't. So your veiw on society and what is 'normal' is distorted and biased. It's easy to believe that you are in the minority and therefore you are defective in some way. Well, you're not necessarily in the minority unless you've done an extensive survey across the world to assertain the exact proportion of people that have sex before their 20s verses those who haven't. Don't assume that you know what is 'normal' or 'not normal'. And in any case, who cares? So what? Whether you do or don't have sex is personal to you and nothing to do with what the rest of the world is doing.

I've said this before on here and I'll say it again: stop focussing your attention on other people's lives. Your life is about you so concentrate on creating it and not worrying about what others are doing. They are not you. You are not them. You are you and you should be too busy building your own life to have the time to concern yourself with other people's activities. You're being outwardly focussed, which is basically a way of procrastinating from taking action in your own life. Look inwards and be detached from other's lives and expectations. You are independent of the actions and opinions of others.

Another question to ask is: are you even bothered about sex right now? Is it even important to you? There is much more to life than sex. If you want it, go out and get it. If you don't, fine, carry on creating an awsome life for yourself. There's plenty of time for it later on.

This is no different from people who beat themselves up for not having a relationships yet, or a marriage, or children, or anything else you can think of. Same deal. There are no rules, so do whatever you want and stop comparing yourself to others. Life isn't about what others are doing, it's about what you want in your life.

[Yukise99]

Thanks for all your help everyone, I feel a lot better hearing some of your own input to this situation  

[Heart of Space]

On 6/27/2016 at 0:06 AM, Yukise99 said:

Can I get help on feeling this way? I feel like there is something wrong with me for being a virgin in my 20s. Surely having sex doesn't define who you are as a person. But after honestly looking inward I keep feeling like a failure because all of my group of friends have had sex and I haven't. Is there anyway to get over this feeling or deal with it? 

Firstly, I'm sorry you feel like this.  You are not any less of a person for having never had sex.  I felt that shame too at one point as do pretty much most men who are in modern culture.  There's some kind of value men put on the number of women you've slept with.  It's a culturally taught shame and it's completely ridiculous. 

Secondly, lots of men lie about having had sex, or the numbers of times they've had sex.  They feel the same shame you do, yet they are willing to lie to you to protect their own ego from feeling worthless.  It's really sad. 

Thirdly, having sex does not add value to your life outside of an orgasm, and feeling really chill for a few days after if it's really good.  Sex drive doesn't magically disappear when you are not a virgin.  Even non-virgins again go through periods of no sex.  They're basically the same as you at that point, they just don't have the "virgin shame" making it burn way worse.  Without the sting of that shame you get to a point where you don't care that much anymore.  Ironically girls want to fuck you more after that.  Cause you don't come across as creepy or desperate.

[Yukise99]

On 7/2/2016 at 9:22 PM, Heart of Space said:

Firstly, I'm sorry you feel like this.  You are not any less of a person for having never had sex.  I felt that shame too at one point as do pretty much most men who are in modern culture.  There's some kind of value men put on the number of women you've slept with.  It's a culturally taught shame and it's completely ridiculous. 

Secondly, lots of men lie about having had sex, or the numbers of times they've had sex.  They feel the same shame you do, yet they are willing to lie to you to protect their own ego from feeling worthless.  It's really sad. 

Thirdly, having sex does not add value to your life outside of an orgasm, and feeling really chill for a few days after if it's really good.  Sex drive doesn't magically disappear when you are not a virgin.  Even non-virgins again go through periods of no sex.  They're basically the same as you at that point, they just don't have the "virgin shame" making it burn way worse.  Without the sting of that shame you get to a point where you don't care that much anymore.  Ironically girls want to fuck you more after that.  Cause you don't come across as creepy or desperate.

Thanks bro, I really appreciated you explaining it to me like that. When I read that I felt like as if you were an older brother looking out for me with your words. I think my head is starting to understand that sex isn't the main point of life with everyone's input. Thank you so much, everyone. 

[Naviy]

What if you did not chose virginity? I know that for better life I need real life relationship with a woman (I've never had real life relationship with sex, and I am 25+ years old). Problems here: 1) You have a deep belief and self image, which has been forming for a decade, that you are very defective and not capable of having sex or relationship at all, ever, and that there is nothing you can do to deserve it; 2) You have the fear that if you will find some person you are capable having relationship with (such as in my case right now), you will have to end it before it comes to sex, because you are so unexperienced, that during the intimate moment, you won't be able to handle the shame and fear of showing to the other person how vulnerable you are, the fear to disappoint the person that you care about, and whose opinion is so important to you. The fear to be mentally devastated. Especially, if you are a male and have a very strong complex because your penis is too small comparing to normal (yeah, my case too, and this fear sometimes is even a bigger fear than being unexperienced). To say the truth, I still sometimes cry because of self pity and fear and anger and shame for never having sex. I know that all this is bullshit, and I kind of know how the mind works, so I let it happen, it's the work of bio machine.

I am not a total newbie to personal development, and, of course, I know that all this stuff can be fixed by using different techniques and principles, by reprogramming your mind and changing self-image. It is very possible. But again, I want to mention, that if your self image of a person who is not capable of having sex and will never deserve it, has been forming for 10+ years it is very strong. It's how you have always seen yourself, always, and you've never had any other experience. It' also been forming during your very sensetive teen ages. The fear of shame is very very strong. It requires, maybe, years of direct psychological work to fix this. It is possible, however.  

Actually, a life situation happening to me right now, which I don't know how to solve yet. I've never really believed that I can have sex in my life ever, but now I kind of have to make a choice - whether end current long distance relationship, or start the work on myself to become capable of meeting the girl and having sex. I've studied this stuff and I can see that the second choice will take so much effort and time, that I don't really know, if it's worth it. I want to spend this effort and time on spirituality.

I know, that being a virgin and having a small penis are huge psychological traumas for me and cause of a lot of other psychological problems. Yeah, it can be different from this, it can be fixed with the personal development techniques, guaranteed, I know. But, guys, the fear, shame and self image are so strong, because it is always has been like this to you - your whole life you had this belief that you are not capable of having sex and are defected. On one hand, I wish it was different, and I know that I have the capability of fixing it, but on the other hand I don't want to spend so much effort to fix it right now.. Or maybe I'm a lazy coward, and persuade myself not to do anything to stay in comfort zone. I kind of do not see enough motivation in me to start this work now. I know, it should be fixed, but I also can survive without fixing it, so I do not have enough motivation right now to change anything, because any changes in this will be the cause of so much psychological discomfort, emotional labor, fear and shame, that I cowardly prefer to stay where I am now.  

 

 

 

Edited July 5, 2016 by Naviy

[charlie2dogs]

On 6/27/2016 at 1:06 AM, Yukise99 said:

Can I get help on feeling this way? I feel like there is something wrong with me for being a virgin in my 20s. Surely having sex doesn't define who you are as a person. But after honestly looking inward I keep feeling like a failure because all of my group of friends have had sex and I haven't. Is there anyway to get over this feeling or deal with it? 

first of all you should realize that sex should be about experiencing pure love with another.   You are not talking about that, and sex does define who and what the person is, it will plainly show where that person is.  at your age you should feel happy and honored to be a virgin,  you are not missing anything as most would have you believe.  does giving yourself and your virginity to someone who has no appreciation of who and what you really are and has not the capability to express that pure love with you, sound appealing?  for most men you will just be another conquest by someone who had no real respect for you.  and if just having these experiences are all that important to you then know there will be many consequences and pain that come with it, been there, done it, paid the prices, i understand.

[suiker]

Two thoughts that came to my mind:

There are guys who would appreciate their (first) girlfriend to be a virgin, because they are themselves. You would be even more attractive for him if he knows.

There are much more ways to get intimate than the "classical reproductive technique". Ever thought that way? What would YOU like that experience to look like?

[Pallero]

On 27.6.2016 at 8:06 AM, Yukise99 said:

Can I get help on feeling this way? I feel like there is something wrong with me for being a virgin in my 20s. Surely having sex doesn't define who you are as a person. But after honestly looking inward I keep feeling like a failure because all of my group of friends have had sex and I haven't. Is there anyway to get over this feeling or deal with it? 

In our society it's easy to feel discouraged as a virgin, because everything seems to revolve around sex and who's getting it and how much. After you study this, you learn to understand that a lot of it is just a marketing tactic. The media use the sexual urge to make us do stuff: download certain apps, date in certain ways, watch certain programs and films, eat certain foods (that leave us hungry for more [get it? ;)]) et cetera. This makes people lie about their sexual encounters to appear some way to others; this also makes people who aren't that or at all interested in sex feel bad about themselves, pursue sex anyway, and harm themselves - all just to fit in. So the reason you are feeling bad is 'cause you want to fit in and be accepted, and being a virgin you feel like you don't.

What is sex - really? It's a way to deeply connect to the person you love. The society and the media, however, makes us think that sex is a status symbol - which it isn't, and this is something that people only get through trial and error, after they have done psychological damage to themselves in worst cases (like my case).

Sexuality is an extremely delicate and powerful thing. It can be used to trick, bribe and manipulate people. Not taking it seriously enough might cause you a lot of pain, so be careful.

I would advise you to learn more about this, see through the marketing tactic and all the other ways sex is being used by the media, and make your own decisions. I made the mistake of having sex because I was peer pressured into it - not a great thing! I would like that whenever you do have sex, you would do it because you genuinely want to, not to fit in.

I hope that my advice is helpful.

[Yukise99]

@Pallero  Thank you for shedding light on this subject, I've definitely feel that I'm rushed to lose it as soon as possible but after hearing everyone's remark, it makes sense. Thank you.