Self-destruction

[mellifluous_mind]

I have convinced myself I am unlovable and unworthy person, so much so that my mind has distorted reality to a significant degree. My relationships are suffering because I am convinced everyone is annoyed at me, or hates me.

Even though I acknowledge this, when a hateful thought comes, my mind can't decipher if it's true or not. I may know it probably isn't true, I am convinced in my heart it is, and I pry the other person until I get an answer - ruining the relationship over my need of validation. 

I know the answer may lie in self-love and acceptance. But it is difficult for me to accept when I've become a toxic person. I don't know how to accept that fact without hurdling down more self-destruction and hatred.

I'm stuck in a cycle. Any advice would be really appreciated on how to undue this thought process/self-fulfilling prophecy. Thank you so much. 

[Flowerfaeiry]

I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time, that sounds quite painful. My advice to you is take baby steps. Making this post is a sign you are going the right direction, reaching out is important. 

From the small bit you described here it sounds like a sort of obsessive-compulsive cycle. Obsessing about if you are lovable, and then getting relief from the obsessive thought by asking for validation. An answer may lie more in becoming aware of these thought patterns themselves, instead of simply loving yourself, as you say. Doing research into ocd cycles may help (not saying you "have ocd" just saying that topic may be helpful for you). 

Sending you love. 

[ls28harry]

Journal about your thoughts on a daily basis. Look for patterns and how the cycles operate. Ask yourself why you need to receive love and acceptance from others and what would be so bad about not getting it, meditate on this question and search for the root as I believe this is the problem and by running away from it you will make it worse by giving it more power, just like some unpaid debt, it can't be ignored.

[Stevo]

Listen to this:

https://www.podbean.com/ea/pb-fggga-ce7ccb