Are some people just bad at goodbyes?

[noip]

Had an online penpal, a guy from overseas during lockdown. We messaged each other back and forth for little over a week consistently. We got along very well. Our messages were long (I'd spend an hour writing back) and we were having fun. However, eventually I just wanted to focus on other pursuits and get back to the real world so I mustered a meaningful goodbye even though it wasn't easy. Well he never messaged me back. Now I'm wondering if I did something wrong.

Did I mess up? Why didn't he write back?

Tell me what you think.

[Alex bAlex]

Well, I am imagining that you might gave some false hope to this guy and now he's hurt and crawl back into his bed. 

Guys tend to imagine a lifetime with the other conversation partner, especially if he had some hope of you seeing eachother. For guys this happens very fast whereas girls tend to take more time to make sure that this guy is the right one.

Now probably he is just dealing with some hard feelings and not too much emotional awareness. 

Hope this helps ?

Edit- you did nothing wrong. The ball is in his court ?

Edited April 2, 2020 by Alex bAlex

[universe]

Notice how you didnt like communication to end or worsen.

Everyone is like that.

 

For people who struggle with this I suggest to practice "letting go" in their lifes.

 

When you go deeper into awareness you'll notice how its all an illusion anyways.

[noip]

1 hour ago, universe said:

Notice how you didnt like communication to end or worsen.

Everyone is like that.

 

For people who struggle with this I suggest to practice "letting go" in their lifes.

 

When you go deeper into awareness you'll notice how its all an illusion anyways.

I actually recently watched this TV series on ghosting, here: http://www.mtv.com/shows/ghosted-love-gone-missing. I used to think I didn't have any responsibility to the people I ghosted on, and it was on them to deal with their own feelings. I thought them getting "hung up" or not being able to "move on" was weak and worse than ghosting someone. I've since realized how incredibly selfish and pathetic that mentality is.

So I'm trying to be as honest and open in my communications with people, notably people I had mutual connections with. 

I decided to send him a message asking if he was mad at me. He's probably not going to like it though; probably should have rephrased to ask what happened. Hopefully he's not an ass about it but it's better to know sooner rather than later.

[noip]

2 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

 

I guess that sums up why he felt what he felt. 

Frankly I don't think he was being an ass. 

 

I don't understand what you're saying. Could you expound on both points?

[noip]

8 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

Your description said it all. He was probably hurt so he didn't bother to reply back. 

He is probably unable to cope with his feelings. I mean I would feel the same if I were in his place.

So I don't think he was being an ass in not responding back. 

What I would suggest is that you just let it go for now if you would like it to all end. 

But when you communicate with people again, try to taper off your conversations steadily rather than going cold turkey on them. Cold turkey can leave them clueless. 

And don't ask them if they are mad at you, if you already know they could be mad at you because that's like rubbing salt into the wounds, the best way would rather be to ask if they are doing well and that you realize that they could be hurt. This way you give them the assurance that you acknowledge their sentiment. 

 

 

Ghosting is going "cold turkey." It's where you abruptly leave and never even bother to say bye or why you're leaving to someone.

In my first post, 

9 hours ago, noip said:

 I mustered a meaningful goodbye even though it wasn't easy. 

So I didn't ghost him; your accusation is unfounded. Now what I didn't add to the first post was that I said we could keep messaging each other, I just wasn't going to be checking my email as often. 

 

I don't know if he's hurt or not. That'd just be putting words in his mouth.

I feel like you made a lot of assumptions here...

Edited April 3, 2020 by noip

[noip]

@Preety_India  It'd behoove you to read more carefully before accusing someone of egregious behavior in your definition. Everyone has accused others at some point or another; it happens; that is why it is good to have humility for the sake of growth/progress. That said, 

14 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

And if you are completely assured that you have done nothing wrong or if his emotions are not your responsibility then just learn to let go and don't doubt yourself on it. 

^This is insensitive because I had written: 

1 hour ago, noip said:

I used to think I didn't have any responsibility to the people I ghosted on, and it was on them to deal with their own feelings.

Key words: I used to think
Regarding that sentence, it's clear you don't understand why I wrote the response I did to @universe.
I would clarify things for you, but teaching is not my forte and I am anyway awkward with this subject (feelings, my own and other people's).

32 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

In any case whatever I say is mere speculation about what he feels and how he feels. The only person who knows best is him. 

I agree with this^.

And I think you should work on your reading comprehension.

[noip]

33 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

@noip I said that because a lot of people think that other's emotions are not their responsibility. I don't think it's insensitive and even if it, it is highly dependent on context. 

That being said, I'd say that my reading depends a lot on what's being written. 

You forgot to add details in the first post that completely changed my assumption about your communications with him

At this point the only thing that you can expect about the guy is assumption. You're literally asking people to assume why he is acting the way he does. Because you're not sure yourself. How can they be. 

Can't blame me for that. 

I'm not going to waste anymore time debating. 

 

You do realize that because of your assumptions, you accused me of doing things I didn't do (e.g. Hurting other people) and that it distressed me. I didn't feel distressed by anyone else in this thread. I don't know why you can't just take responsibility.

Maybe you can also work on your English, but reading comprehension is also a part of that.

Edited April 3, 2020 by noip

[noip]

5 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

But if you felt hurt, I apologize. 

Hurt and distressed are not the same things; it's almost like you don't even know what you're apologizing for. 

[noip]

2 minutes ago, Preety_India said:

I'm just apologizing because you said that you are hurt. Nothing more 

Can you drop it and can we move on? 

 

See that's what I mean. Because I clearly said--

26 minutes ago, noip said:

you accused me of doing things I didn't do (e.g. Hurting other people) and that it distressed me.

Not hurt; it is distressed.

Please, just, read. 

[Eph75]

Stop for a moment and really look at what is  happening here.. 

Maybe there is a trigger here that is calling attention to itself? The hard part about personal growth is to lower our defenses and allow ourselves to explore what hasn't been before, that which has been accepted as truth or that which has been dismissed as not matching such beliefs that poses those truths.

@noip There is something in your post about ghosting and "used to think.. no responsibility" that tells us that you do know that you have been doing this. I would explore that further and see where that leads, how that correlates with your experience that you posted about here  - and - try stepping outside of yourself to allow yourself to better observe what emotions and defenses get triggered in that process. 

In the end, it's not about pointing fingers towards something about him nor pointing fingers towards something within you that leads to rejecting exploration of yourself. It's all about growing understanding of a situation (could be any situation) and how we relate to that situation, regardless where it takes us. Doing so with as much curiosity as we can muster.

I would start with questions like; "what kind of expectations have I created for him?", "is there a chance that I have painted a picture that has been misleading to him" and so on. 

Also revisiting this:

5 hours ago, noip said:

I used to think I didn't have any responsibility to the people I ghosted on

You acknowledge that you "used to ghost on people". Is there a chance that you did that this time as well, in a more subtle form? And maybe knowingly so?

And maybe most provocative of all, what kind of feelings has ghosting been triggering within you? Is there a chance that it is somehow related to a feeling of pleasure? 

There question don't necessarily need to be answered here, it's more about contemplating questions than needing to answer them. Those kind of questions are very useful for exploration. To be able to stay with such provocative inquiries without getting triggered (much, because trigger it will). In such a moment, to refrain from feeling accused, victimized or  lashing back at someone (or self) is truly a magnificent super-power 

Remember, you're looking for help to lead you to greater understanding, we're here to help 

That might mean others asking questions that you may need to think about and not that's not necessarily what you want to hear. And by no means does such questions, posted by some random person, imply they/us knowing anything; the situation, something about him, or you. We know nothing but our own interpretation of limited information that arises out of our own biases.

@Preety_India It takes two to let go. The final word is not important, but notice how it makes us feel if the final word is ours, when if it's something not relevant as "I'm not going to waste anymore time debating", "Now let go" or "Can you drop it and can we move on?"

Seeing when other are caught in a loop is useful. Speaking of super-powers, seeing when we ourselves should let go is nothing but that 

Edited April 3, 2020 by Eph75
Spellcheck

[noip]

7 hours ago, Eph75 said:

Stop for a moment and really look at what is  happening here.. 

Maybe there is a trigger here that is calling attention to itself? The hard part about personal growth is to lower our defenses and allow ourselves to explore what hasn't been before, that which has been accepted as truth or that which has been dismissed as not matching such beliefs that poses those truths.

@noip There is something in your post about ghosting and "used to think.. no responsibility" that tells us that you do know that you have been doing this. I would explore that further and see where that leads, how that correlates with your experience that you posted about here  - and - try stepping outside of yourself to allow yourself to better observe what emotions and defenses get triggered in that process. 

In the end, it's not about pointing fingers towards something about him nor pointing fingers towards something within you that leads to rejecting exploration of yourself. It's all about growing understanding of a situation (could be any situation) and how we relate to that situation, regardless where it takes us. Doing so with as much curiosity as we can muster.

I would start with questions like; "what kind of expectations have I created for him?", "is there a chance that I have painted a picture that has been misleading to him" and so on. 

Also revisiting this:

10 hours ago, noip said:

I used to think I didn't have any responsibility to the people I ghosted on

You acknowledge that you "used to ghost on people". Is there a chance that you did that this time as well, in a more subtle form? And maybe knowingly so?

And maybe most provocative of all, what kind of feelings has ghosting been triggering within you? Is there a chance that it is somehow related to a feeling of pleasure? 

There question don't necessarily need to be answered here, it's more about contemplating questions than needing to answer them. Those kind of questions are very useful for exploration. To be able to stay with such provocative inquiries without getting triggered (much, because trigger it will). In such a moment, to refrain from feeling accused, victimized or  lashing back at someone (or self) is truly a magnificent super-power 

Remember, you're looking for help to lead you to greater understanding, we're here to help 

That might mean others asking questions that you may need to think about and not that's not necessarily what you want to hear. And by no means does such questions, posted by some random person, imply they/us knowing anything; the situation, something about him, or you. We know nothing but our own interpretation of limited information that arises out of our own biases.

The reason why I stated "I USED TO THINK I HAD NO RESPONSIBILITY" is that I have changed in my ways. I am reformed. To imply that I need to further explore this takes away, FROM ME, the effort I've put into CHANGING WHO I AM. Now if you could just acknowledge that you'd realize how irrelevant that phrase is is to the current matter between me and my friend. YOU ARE STUCK ON ONE SMALL PHRASE, TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT. YES, IT IS AN  IRRELEVANT PHRASE IN THE WAY YOU ARE USING IT, which is serving to do nothing for you but shame me. 

What does this have anything to do with self-exploration? Wtf.

Quote

I would start with questions like; "what kind of expectations have I created for him?", "is there a chance that I have painted a picture that has been misleading to him" and so on. 

Newsflash: If I didn't have these questions, I wouldn't BE HERE.

7 hours ago, Eph75 said:

You acknowledge that you "used to ghost on people". Is there a chance that you did that this time as well, in a more subtle form? And maybe knowingly so?

And maybe most provocative of all, what kind of feelings has ghosting been triggering within you? Is there a chance that it is somehow related to a feeling of pleasure? 

Again, this isn't even relevant BECAUSE I DON"T DO IT ANYMORE.

I DIDN'T EVEN GHOST HIM.

And if you've  paid ANY attention, you'd have been encouraging of my reformation rather than condemning me for something I used to do and DIDN'T DO TO THIS PERSON.

Why would this give me feelings of pleasure when I've obviously stopped once I realized it was wrong/not what I wanted? I STRAIGHT UP SAID THAT. What the fuck?

You know what, I asked if he was mad or hurt to his face-- Unlike some people I don't just put words in others' mouths and assume things about them, and it turns out he's just busy and dealing with other things in his life to reply back yet. What's more, he thinks it's weird I'd even considered he might be mad-- NOW HE THINKS I'M CLINGY. THANKS, FORUM. HE ISN'T EVEN HURT. WTF.

 

Why do I even come to this forum. Fuck this place.

 

I'm never coming back. 

Edited April 3, 2020 by noip

[4201]

@noip So basically you went from spending hours a day messaging a guy you like to spending hours a day arguing with some forum users about this guy?

Pretty hilarious thread

[Eph75]

@noip

 

9 hours ago, Eph75 said:

... try stepping outside of yourself to allow yourself to better observe what emotions and defenses get triggered in that process. 

What emotions are triggered inside you, here, right now, from this thread, and why? Remember, people don't make you angry, it's you who make yourself angry. Pointing towards something external is only to look for blame and justification which works as avoiding personal responsibility - and - prevents you from finding out the real reason, which is inside you.

Edited April 3, 2020 by Eph75

[Michael569]

Let it go. It is not your responsibility to cater to everyone's feeling and emotions. He did deserve an explanation and provided that you gave him an explanation, any immature response such as "radio silence" only portraits their levels of emotional development. 

Move along with your life

Edited April 3, 2020 by Michael569