Too Many Arguments: Fight For Relationship Or Let Go?

[Wolph]

So I've been dating my girlfriend for about 4 months now. In these 4 months a lot has happened and we both went through the same stages: started dating, fell in love and recently we felt like we were past the infatuation phase and now we're feeling a deeper kind of love for each other. We can imagine a future together and we've just booked a 3 week holiday overseas in October.

One problem that we cannot seem to get rid of, however, is the increasingly high amount of emotionally challenging arguments that we have.

It usually goes like this (from my perspective): 

- we have a normal discussion or conversation

- I say something semi-random or funny or I express my opinion as if it's the truth (unawareness)

- I appear to have failed to express myself properly

- girlfriend takes it the wrong way and feels judged by me

- doesn't make me aware of what I said wrong and gets angry right away

- round one: fight.

- things get even worse when I have too many arguments to support my perspective and then she feels like I think she's dumb (more anger ensues)

- round two: mortal kombat: 2furious 

The same thing happens the other way around sometimes, but mostly things go as described above.

This has been happening too much lately. We've discussed all possible causes: maybe it's because her language is not my native language, maybe we are both too impatient and sensitive, maybe we both become less aware as soon as feelings appear to be hurt. She has made me aware of her experience that I sometimes act as if I have all the knowledge in the world, fueling her anger even more. She then tells me I don't need to mention the books and articles I've read, the videos I watch and the research I do for my own betterment and knowledge. Apparently this is frustrating to her and I feel that I only mention these things when I feel the need to support my arguments. She's probably not wrong in reacting that way. I accept her the way she is, but I find it hard to accept short fused emotional outbursts.

We've also discussed possible solutions. We both agree to work on ourselves in order to 'save' the relationship. We both refuse to quit. We've made our planned holiday our goal (to challenge and push ourselves towards a stable, loving relationship). I told her about my self-actualization, psychology and enlightenment work and how I'd be willing to invest in seeing a therapist to get rid of bad (thinking and acting) habits.

Although I try to refrain from attachment, I sense in myself the fear of her giving up and losing her. I also try as hard as I can to become aware of how my unawareness is hurting both her and our relationship, but I think my ego refuses to give me the 411. I also refrain from judging her, because I'm not the one to tell her what she should be aware of or what she should work on; I told her that it is my opinion that we should define our responsibilities individually. I told her that I will remain patient and that I have no expectations. I apologized for being judgmental every time it occurred, even when I wasn't sure if that's what I was doing.

I guess my question is: do I let go of this relationship right now and focus only on my self-actualization or do I keep actualizing and work even harder on fixing our communication problems, becoming a better man in the process? For now, I've decided on the latter, because I take ownership of my share in the relationship. Also, even though we're both tired of fighting, we try our best to support one another in all endeavors.

Feel free to inquire about any details that might be important to this thread.

Thank you guys in advance for your interest and suggestions,

Wolph.

PS: to paint a picture of my daily - I've recently become aware that I've been lacking a great amount of self-discipline. That's why recently I've started getting up at round 5.30, meditate for at least half an hour, go for a run or work out, have breakfast, go to the office and work (my own business is in the works), practice martial arts after work at least two times a week. Reading every day and watching Leo's videos every Sunday like church. Could the results of this perpetual self-improvement come across as bigotry? Because apparently I have a way of making my girlfriend feel very small

 

[Fello]

Don't self-actualization teach you to be humble? Why would you act like a know it all? LOL
because nobody do.. no matter how many books and people you watch they could all be wrong and she might be right you can't see it tho ;-) extreme open-mindedness bro.

I am no expert but what I think is if you always fight and not getting along with each other but you are still together it might means that you both are using each other.. I sense some neediness in your story.  It could be a need for sex, money/security or something else. I am not saying leave her and I am not saying change yourself for her. If you realize that you have a real problem and it keeps occurring in ALL your relationships then ok go ahead and change it if you want but if you want to change yourself just because this one girl doesn't approve of it then I would say no don't change that.. you could be focusing on something else to improve that is more important.

My advice would be to have fun while you can for now but then the find someone who's open-minded enough to accept you as you are with your imperfections a person who's completely independent living separately and not relying on each other at all. someone who isn't gonna stick around because they need you or you need them but someone who really want you as you are. I mean no one can be perfect and if you are fighting now all the time it's better to separate because to be honest no matter what you guys talk about it is never worth fighting for, nothing is worth fighting over. 

"I sense in myself the fear of her giving up and losing her." This is a dangerous feeling bro. Have you watched Leo's video about Healthy Relationships?

Good luck bro.. Please don't listen to me I don't know much I recommend you see a consultant to have a good advice :-)

 

Fello.

[Wolph]

On 6/29/2016 at 8:38 AM, Fello said:

Don't self-actualization teach you to be humble? Why would you act like a know it all? LOL
because nobody do.. no matter how many books and people you watch they could all be wrong and she might be right you can't see it tho ;-) extreme open-mindedness bro.

I am no expert but what I think is if you always fight and not getting along with each other but you are still together it might means that you both are using each other.. I sense some neediness in your story.  It could be a need for sex, money/security or something else. I am not saying leave her and I am not saying change yourself for her. If you realize that you have a real problem and it keeps occurring in ALL your relationships then ok go ahead and change it if you want but if you want to change yourself just because this one girl doesn't approve of it then I would say no don't change that.. you could be focusing on something else to improve that is more important.

My advice would be to have fun while you can for now but then the find someone who's open-minded enough to accept you as you are with your imperfections a person who's completely independent living separately and not relying on each other at all. someone who isn't gonna stick around because they need you or you need them but someone who really want you as you are. I mean no one can be perfect and if you are fighting now all the time it's better to separate because to be honest no matter what you guys talk about it is never worth fighting for, nothing is worth fighting over. 

"I sense in myself the fear of her giving up and losing her." This is a dangerous feeling bro. Have you watched Leo's video about Healthy Relationships?

Good luck bro.. Please don't listen to me I don't know much I recommend you see a consultant to have a good advice :-)

 

Fello.

Thanks for your input, Fello, I really do appreciate it.

About the first thing you mentioned, maybe I should have clarified. Sometimes, the things I say come across to other people as if I know it all. I don't know how this happens, because in no way do I ever think that I know everything. That's why I put (unawareness) in there. I'm basically saying that I am aware of my unawareness, but of course that's only in hindsight. On the other hand, maybe it's the way in which I express myself, and not as much the words that come out of my mouth. 

I will pay attention to any neediness on both sides. I also consider this to be a red flag.

At the time that I wrote my post, I thought it was fear that I was feeling. Turns out that it wasn't. I'm perfectly capable of being happy on my own. I think my girlfriend is too. 

So in the end, we're in love with each other, but we're also still discovering each other's boundaries. From what I've gathered so far, these boundaries are also rooted in our cultural backgrounds and personal histories. For instance, when I jokingly mention some stereotype about Germans (she's German) that I read about, she tends to be quite sensitive about it and think it applies to her and she assumes that I'm mocking her as well. Of course, logically, this results in irritation and an unwillingness to listen to my explaining myself. This is how our arguments usually start. She takes many things way more seriously than I. I mean, that's okay, I can accept her for who she is. Meanwhile I just have to keep doing my self-inquiry work and try to break down my ego bit by bit.

She knows about the path that I'm on and she said she's going to work on herself as well. She's looking at meditation seminars and all kinds of popular science workshops to help herself. I think that's good and I'd gladly join her when she asks me to.

Thanks again. I think you got it right. It's just hard for me to be concise when describing my thoughts and feelings.

Cheers bro!