I’ve developed past my dad and I feel uncomfortably detached.

[Icy]

My dad has always been a part of my life and I’ve always looked up to him. I never understood why he did what he did but for me, there was always some unspoken wisdom behind it. Now that I’m older, I realize (and I absolutely hate admitting this) that he’s pretty clueless and a lot of what he does makes no practical sense. He hasn’t thought his life out very much and the way he deals with problems is super unhealthy. I don’t want to just straight up address him about it because I think there’s a pretty good chance he shuts me out but I also want to help him realize that his life could be a lot better and make a lot more sense if he just stopped all of the nonsense. He isn’t very self reflective and is very hard to even communicate with. It feels like he died a long time ago or that he’s lost his sense in some kind of way, it takes up a lot of my mental capacity, but admittedly I allow it, because I want to fix the problem. Any advice?

[Hansu]

3 hours ago, Icy said:

I think there’s a pretty good chance he shuts me out but I also want to help him realize that his life could be a lot better and make a lot more sense if he just stopped all of the nonsense.

A lot of our parents deal with things in unhealthy way. Same goes with a lot of our friends and family around us, you as a person are not like them because you have begun the road of self actualization and you've taken the first steps to take responsibility for your own life.

And a lot of people develop past their parents. That kind of a thing. One of the signs of growing up is forgiving our parents and giving them the leeway to be the morons they are

In the case that he has changed to something vastly different in just a couple of years, "It feels like he died a long time ago" as you put it, then just know that people change on their own without really trying. We dont stay one way forever. If he is 50 years old then just know that their generation is used to cocooning their problems and hiding them under a rug, "to man up". In personal experience I've noticed that my parents might open up and discuss solutions to their problems with you, and then I can watch as... Nothing happens. Nada.

Instead of trying to change him, you can try and see what happens when you dont try to change him. Instead you can try accepting him as he is and giving him emotional support when he asks for it. Be with him, talk to him, love him.

Love him like a son/daughter loves their father

Edited April 2, 2020 by Hansu

[SamueLSD]

Just love him regardless. You're bound to develop past the people you love while on this path, and it's only natural to want to bring them with you. 

This rarely works, and older people tend to refuse to hear the truth when they have lived their whole lives thinking they are doing things the right way. 

And if you are going to try and change him anyway, do it in a subtle manner, and make a good example of how living a conscious life is far more happy and rewarding.

Edited April 2, 2020 by SamueLSD

[okulele]

@Icy Yes, compassion. Contemplate it.

[whatishappeningtome]

I have a good relationship with my Dad not bringing up anything that would upset him. As long as he doesn't judge me too harshly for the decisions I make and he's kind, I feel like criticising the way he lives his life is unproductive and ultimately not very compassionate. 

[Soulbass]

don't underestimate someone who have 30+ years of life experience than you.

[Sahil Pandit]

@Icy his sacrifices allowed you to advance higher up the spiral of spiral dynamics from the very start. 

[Adam M]

The problem is not that your Dad is lacking development. The problem is that you aren't developed enough to see the underlying wisdom and perfection in the present moment as it is right now.

I had this same dilemma a couple years ago and my meditation teacher answered it very well.

He said, "You be a diamond."

This means regardless of how your loved ones are choosing to live their lives, you are doing the best YOU can for YOURSELF.

Eventually, your personal development will rub off on your loved ones. 

 

Example: I've been eating clean for almost 4 years and my Dad has been eating pretty crappy. I didn't waste time worrying about how bad my Dad's diet was... I just focused on my own.

Finally, after 4 years, my Dad had a personal awakening to the importance of eating a clean diet. Now, he tries his best to follow the good example that I've been setting for years.

The moral is that you must focus on yourself. If your Dad asks you for advice, you give it to him lovingly, if he doesn't ask for advice. Leave him alone, "You be a diamond."

[Icy]

Well thank you everyone for the advice on this thread. I thought more about it and he seems to be afraid/doesn’t want to make personal connection with people. If he does I’ve never seen it. He’s very surface level and apparently this has been going on for years. My mom who divorced him like 25 years ago had the same problem. It’s like being in a room with someone and feeling alone. I guess I’ll just be there for him when he needs it. Hard to tell if he’s ok when we never talk about anything personal though. And yes he’s 54. 

[hamedsf]

I've felt the same towards my dad too.

that can be the case for the sons who were relatively younger and crude when they were thinking their dad knew about everything and when they grow up and develop cognitively, there could be a few rude awakening to the fact that their dad was completely clueless in major aspects of life when he was seemingly knowledgeable back then.

the direct communication can be better but not all the times. indirect communication is almost in all cases better! I mean showing the ways of life indirectly. do your best but remember if he doesn't change don't force him and don't waste your energy by trying to resist his characteristics and let go and focus on yourself instead.

Edited April 4, 2020 by hamedsf

[LordFall]

Take this as an opportunity to improve your communication skills and your spiral wizardry  

[mathieu]

@Icy It feels like we're having a similar issue. I have also been living with my dad who seems like very superficial, or say a 'cold' father. I can go on for more details about the things I hate about him, because there's a lot. but this won't really 'solve' the problem. It was just we are disconnected, and we have never talked deeper than asking what's the meal for the day. (this is exagg but I have felt this way since childhood.) 

I have been doing self-actualization things for many years now. and some of the things that I have learned and which scared me was... (tadahh) everything that I have physically have were components of my dad and my mom. my genes and cells were made of the two. I don't know what to brag anymore about me being 'better' than my dad. It was just there was something parts of them that were "untapped" that I think I have already "tapped" which I think they failed to do before. It feels so uncomfortable and sad but all I can do is to show some respect and continue consciousness work. I hope this helps.

[electroBeam]

Well if you didn't develop past your dad at the age of being indoctrinated with the left views of your primary/elementary school, then you must have had a pretty good dad. Imagine how much he must have gone against his own conditioning to get to the views they spout out at primary schools. Have some compassion for his handicap being born at a less developed time. 

My dad certainly didn't. All throughout primary school I remember him infuriated at our school for giving us assignments and tasks that were too lefty for him. He's not bad for doing this, he's just a main streamer. These people are the sorts of people you buy your bread and vegetables from. The sorts of people who fix your house when it breaks.