Feeling Enormous Depression

[Raven_Mike]

So. Yeah. I guess I just feel lost.  ---  I'm not sure what to do.  I have aspirations outside of finance. But I tried for 10 years to write a great American novel like my heroes mark twain & HEMMINGWAY, Faulkner, Vonnegut, JD Salinger, f Scott Fitzgerald, walker Percy. Henry Miller., Kerouac etc.  

 

 & realized. I'm not only a terrible writer. But I have nothing to say or write about. & i got so tired of being a broke & uninspired loser with nothing going for me homeless like a bum. With no great works to show for my suffering.  No glory. Just misery. ---- besides all my heroes were afflicted!    Tormented!  Nietzsche ends up insane asylum. Strindberg & Rimbaut end up dying in their early 30s. The whole era of their kin is misery and early death.  

I still admire them as heroes. But I'm not a great writer!  I'm simply afflicted. & on the path to early death without a posthumous legacy of great art to leave behind me when I croak. 

[Raven_Mike]

What do all u guys do for work?   I'm jaded & burnt out.  I apologize for ranting on & on

in truth?  I'm 100% receptive to LEO's ideas and this forums suggestions. I'm not resisting you all

. I just wanted to give you some background on myself so I can get help for my problems. Which are tormenting to me at certain times. 

If i simply focus on happy thoughts. I wouldn't be very effective in my job which requires me to be well informed of the world & events surrounding them& risk management is the basis of the goal. To prevent our company from losing money. 

It may be the wrong career path for me but I honestly am good at it.  I'm talented.  I made so much money for these people. I'm good at the math. & I understand geopolitics better than anyone in my entire company.  

Im sad.  I'm pathetic. I need help. 

 

Id love to change careers. But what am I going to do for work?  I love finance.  When I'm making money & it feels good.  I hate the politics of the job. & I can't live with overthrowing democracies or death squads for a little extra profit off the top.  It's just not how I roll 

[Raven_Mike]

Scratch that. I love the security & the money.   & I don't like hard labor or low wages. 

I know that sounds conceited but it's why I went into finance. Bc I'm terrible IT & computer programming. (I'd love to learn it one day)

im not cut out for construction or hard labor.  I've done it in the past on part time basis.  I fucking hate it!!!   

It's too late for me to go into medicine.  Besides. It's not for me. You need to be able to have certain stomach for the trade.   I've seen blood & guts up close in triages back in my youth.   It's why I get so triggered by wars & death squads.  I'm not cut out for murdering innocent masses. 

 

I I could perhaps be a killer tho.  If it was acceptable. Like hitler? Or Joseph mengala?  Yeah. I'd fucking kill them. But we're hardly killing bad guys anymore.  & I can't live with innocent dead babies on my conscience ---- so. I have PTSD.   I did a stint of NGO work in war torn areas of the world and saw first hand the misery.    When I was in my 20s. I wanted to do peace Corp. but couldn't dedicate 2 years to it.  But I did do 2 separate 6 month NGO work.  One in Central America.  & the other in western cape of Africa on Kenya & tanzinia borders.  

I didn't make much money. But I was very happy.  

But there were a few moments I brushed closely with armed conflicts.  & It was terrifying. & I grew a little addicted to PTSD.   

You really don't get over seeing a machete victimized woman in triage screaming for help.  In agony. Or children are the worst. 

Was ironically the happiest times of my life. 

[Raven_Mike]

They say -- oh mike.  U got 1st world problems.  & I do.  

But Nietzsche was right. God is dead in secular west world. It's a crisis of spirit & soul decay.  

[Nathalie]

@Raven_Mike 

5 minutes ago, Raven_Mike said:

They say -- oh mike.  U got 1st world problems.  & I do.  

Perhaps you think too much and don't live enough???

Edited June 27, 2016 by MartineF

[Raven_Mike]

Maybe --- just maybe I could be a foreign correspondent. A journalist. Go to war zones like Yemen & report the news.  I don't know.  I'm. A fucking mess.  I'm PTSD & mental.  I got emotional & spiritual problems.  & my heart isn't in the modernized machine world of the matrix of American consumerism.  But I feel like an alien.  I feel lost. 

I'm one step away from a barking mad homeless man on side of highway screaming God is dead b

[Raven_Mike]

I'm. In middle of a nervous breakdown so if I sound scattered and broken & lost 

I'm literally in midst of complete panic attack & emotional breakdown.   I'm in the death throes of a psychic attack.  I'm feeling near terror within me.  

My heart is racing.  My cortisol levels are peaking. & im feeling a crashing sense of deep terror. Panic. Loneliness fear. Depression. Hopelessness. Self hatred & having auicidal ideation a I'm not going to act on 

 

last night I got into a vicious confrontation with my ex wife. Who a year has passed I thought we could be friends but was being nice then became unrelentingly abusive with her words & my ego was hurt.  

I didn't want to admit she had beaten me & shes the superior one who had crushed me.  

There was a time it wasn't true. But at this desperate hour in time in my life it is true.   I flung words at her

 

im in a near panic attack free fall 

 

I'm not going to kill myself.  I'm not manic. But I'm having a panic attack.  I'm cognizant of my cortisol & adrenaline rushing through me. The deep dark feelings of tormented pain just resurfaced.  

It feels like a psychic attack 

my body is surging with toxic emotions.  & I feel the panic ---. Any tips? 

I'm in midst of a nervous breakdown 

Edited June 27, 2016 by Raven_Mike

[Raven_Mike]

As always.  In our interplay she dominates me & controls my emotions.  I lose my complete autonomy. She gives me a panic attack.  I feel near deathly.  I went a good 8 months of no contact.  We had a civil relationship for last few months that just climaxed last night in an ugly phone confrontation.   

 

 it was awful.  I feel as if someone just took my life force out me. & sucked my prana from me. 

 

She always controls my emotions --- I thought I'd passed this moment in my life. But I haven't.  She's still able to completely make me feel the lowest I could possibly feel on earth.

 

 It's power in giving to her consciously. 

But not by my own permission.  I don't want to feel the panic & the pain.   But it's surging through me uncontrollably in this morning. Bc last nite. 

I think I just committed spiritual suicide out of self hatred. 

[governor]

"don't forget to breathe" ;) lol- you said "It feels like a psychic attack" -not that it matters but I've thought that before as well-I don't think it is - but who knows... you said "my body is surging with toxic emotions. & I feel the panic ---. Any tips?"--could it be that? -maybe breathe -get your feet under you and get the heck back up--find a way then...but what do I know really ..I have issues....anyway, was it you that was talking about your instruments -(do you play?) something

[Raven_Mike]

There's an enormous amount of shame in me. Today 

For abusing myself  or the codependent in me puts myself in situations where I was a victim   .  I'm ashamed of that   Deeply  

 

before

I spat a whole dialogue about my noble visions of the world 

but the truth is.  I'm just a self hater who was recovering and was finding peace & wholeness then out of nowhere.  I let my guards down. & my whole world & progress collapsed on me. 

I feel toxic shame & guilt.   All my chakras are closed at moment.  I'm ashamed for even criticizing others in the world.  Bc it's me projecting my issues   Bc I have old wounds from childhood that I haven't healed  they impede on me  

I self sabotage 

 

I feel like I'm going to be in a rut until August when I can get back into my academic program & finish my liscence so I can get back to work & get out of the financial hole. 

I have to wait until August.  I'm. Going to try to fix myself & my emotional state.  

Im showing up here expressing outward issues that I'm blaming the world for.  

But that's  my ego saying.  ---   I'm ashamed of myself.  I feel terrified of being authentic Bc I'm vulnerable & insecure at moment.  

Edited June 27, 2016 by Raven_Mike

[Raven_Mike]

Ok.  Coming out of the panic. Regaining my sea legs. 

 

The psychic attacks have waned.  

Im wounded. I need to heal my emotional wounds. 

When I finally do.  Anything I want to achieve is possible

 

im so smart & capable.  I'm talented & worthy.  

I just have had an oppurtunity to seek true recovery & heal.  

 

Mathis is a gift for my benefit to fix myself 

[governor]

you like to debate,huh---or maybe I'm wrong.     you said "I feel like I'm going to be in a rut until August when I can"  -so sounds like you might have a little breathing room for a minute....          you said " Going to try to fix myself & my emotional state."   -fix?  seems tricky. be careful with that . let me know how that works out for you. (I don't mean that in a offensive way-even tho in type it seems like it)                                                                  btw- sorry for the way i'm writing but my computer is messing up -and I can't just quote    ---- see ya round.  

[charlie2dogs]

5 hours ago, governor said:

I personally don't debate politics so i'm out on this one...but...

maybe you could develop some new skills that might be more useful or maybe not

you are wise in not debating politics it goes no where, and few even understand the political process for what it really is

[Atom]

11 minutes ago, charlie2dogs said:

you are wise in not debating politics it goes no where, and few even understand the political process for what it really is

What is it really? 

[charlie2dogs]

1 minute ago, Atom said:

What is it really? 

this isnt the place to talk about that ask me privately

[Orange]

21 hours ago, Natasha said:

Belief is a construct of thoughts. Thought content is illusory. Illusion is the opposite of reality. Reality is truth.

Ok, so what is reality existentially? Pure transparent empty awareness. It's everything (seen and unseen) and nothing (everything beyond object reality).

Notice - it's not just 'nothing', it's 'EVERYTHING' as well. 

  

@Natasha but what you said up there can also be considered an illusory thought..is there a Truth? How do you know something is True?  Since I've been on this forum I was looking for answers but now it's gotten me even more confused about everything,  it feels like my brain is a milkshake, no more landmarks anywhere and it's not a relaxing feeling.

@Raven_Mike I read everything you wrote and I just want to say that it seems when we are into our mind we feel like we are the only person experiencing so much distress, but now I notice that everyone has their own individual distress and in that sense, no one is alone because this is just a fact of life: that being human is by definition intimately tied with suffering. I have yet to come across someone who has never suffered, however when I look at Facebook a lot of people seem to be going through life innocently , then again what do I know? 

Interesting read btw

[Mal]

@Orange Hi

The ideas presented by people, even here, are just ideas.  There is no truth in borrowing other people's ideas at all.  Yes borrowing ideas can be useful for fixing up certain life situations, but in the context of personal transformation ideas and concepts are mere representations, or personal/collective "models" of truth.

The "Truth" we are speaking of here is the realization of Absolute Truth, where the idea of the separate self sense is transcended and reality can be seen without any filters of the separate sense of self distorting the view.  In that place one can see very clearly what is true and what is not true about life because there are none of the divisions of separation present - everything is One.

The Absolute is not a place one is able to hang-out in for long periods of time, unless one gets very good at transcending their ego!

And also this Absolute state is not the be-all-and-end-all of life.  As Natasha pointed out, it's also wise to re-inhabit the relative world of separate forms, but now with some knowledge, insight and background awareness of the Absolute.

Having an experience of the Absolute nature of reality affords us the opportunity to now start working on shedding off the layers of our own personal and collective conditioning or what some would call our false identity.  The stories which keep us bound to re-enacting certain negative patterns, attracting certain unwanted situations, addictions, anything that has a hold on us is a "story" and that story is kept in place by stored emotional memory which is then feed by a "story" in the mind of thinking.  This is programming, and this is what we call our personal identity.

Changing the personal identity is hard work, but it's easier if we have this background knowledge of the Absolute reality.  This way we're able to work with these stored emotions without buying into the story in the head.  The more one can learn this skill of releasing old emotions that have been causing us to fail without buying into the ideas attached to them, the more one can create a more realistic and "truth" based worldview based on our own inner intuition and less influenced by our past conditioning and beliefs.  The less of a grip our past conditioning has on us, the more we are able to have a say in our own lives.

This is only my take on this, others may disagree, I'm not sure if I got it right, even, but this is how my own understanding has unfolded.

 

Edited June 27, 2016 by Mal

[Natasha]

2 hours ago, Orange said:

@Natasha but what you said up there can also be considered an illusory thought..is there a Truth? How do you know something is True?  Since I've been on this forum I was looking for answers but now it's gotten me even more confused about everything,  it feels like my brain is a milkshake, no more landmarks anywhere and it's not a relaxing feeling.

Yes, these are just concepts, and you can't think your way into truth. And we can't really know what's absolutely true... unless the conceptual boundary between 'you' as a human being and the external world you're interacting with is removed. I say 'conceptual' because it's not a physical boundary. Once it's removed, a direct access to reality becomes a possibility, you get truth straight from the source, so to speak.

So you might ask what's sense then of listening to what people on this forum have to say if all this is just more concepts? And this is what's paradoxical - we're fighting illusion with illusion.  Most illusion that you hear from society, other people, books - they give you illusion that doesn't call itself out as illusion. The difference here is that we're telling you that what we're telling you is the illusion. And you can be wise enough to register that to read between the lines and to start to question your own knowledge.

Also,  @Mal hit nail on the head in the post above. 

 

Edited June 28, 2016 by Natasha

[JevinR]

For depression, you're chi is low. Gaining more of it can alleviate the depression  Once you gain more pranayama, you will feel better, idk about the existential crisis, enlightenment maybe? Life Purpose is there too... Hugs

[Orange]

@Mal @Natasha thanks for the insights, but even if you think there is a conceptual barrier between you and the external world, that again is an idea produced by your mind..how can you be so sure this is True? 

@Mal the Absolute Truth, why is it called that way if also it is human product of the mind? It is misleading no? Absolute means this is carved in stone and no other way. Can we really access Truth? ..ever? How do you guys know if this is really correct or not? 

Also lets assume you are right (but I am still curious about your replies to the above so please don't dismiss that hehe) ; now how do you access the Absolute Truth then? Is the absolute truth this thing that people who take LSD they talk about? Or how did you guys get in the absolute truth? ..cheesecake ?   I wanna know