Feeling Enormous Depression

[Raven_Mike]

Obviously I'm here on this board today authentically showing up.  Recognizing my problems.  Or at least trying to root them out.  

 

Bc  I need help.  I'm in a hole.  I'm sinking in it.  I'm not an addict.   I'm just in state of fear & panic & insecurity. 

I'm terrified of facing my own emotions.

Im a recovering codependent.  

[Raven_Mike]

Part of my problem is my boredom with capitalism & institutions. 

I dreamed of other worlds many days.  Life on other planets.  Other realities. & find my job selling insurance & bonds & trading stocks just isn't fulfilling.  Of coarse I'm broke.   Bc I went through a terrible divorce & spent it all like a fiend on useless crap that had no value. 

Sigh.  CERN is a fucking awesome  btw

Higgs boson particle was discovered.  & perhaps it's the key to unlocking secret of universe.  Perhaps there's a wormhole.  & we could travel through it one day to another dimension 

That's not proven it's  theoretical physics.  We don't do important things. 

 

We we sell cars ! & commodities etc. war is a business. 

 

. But string theorists & m theorists believe it.  Stephen hawking says we don't know what's at the end of a black hole. Perhaps a white hole that leads to a parallel universe.  With a parallel us in it!  

Higgs boson particle is an enormous discovery.  It's a sub atomic particle element that explains mass in the E=mc2 equation. 

 

What is mass?   Einstein didn't define it properly. Now we know. The Higgs boson theory is right. & CERN proved it  the glue between particles 

  Superstring theory is like EXODUS meets DHARMA. meets 12 different world dimensions.   It's awesome  

That's the Higgs particle. The glue of the universe.  They existed our entire lives.   
Just like electrons. 

We just never knew they were there
People in 1900. Were all saying Nikolai tesla & Edison were witches.   & gallileo was killed by the church

We can't see electricity.  But it existed since earliest mankind.  The cavemen didn't understand how to power their city with electricity. Bc they didn't understand invisible shit that surrounds them.  Called electromagnetism. 
The Catholic Church for 1000s years demanded the sun revolves around the earth & we are center of universe. 

 

Human life on earth is going to end soon anyway. The universe is expanding which means the earth will become very cold & unlivable for mammals
We may need to cross a wormhole to survive at a certain point or end up like the dinosaurs

Of coarse there's others realms.  Non corporeal world's.  

Spiritual realms.  That's known. But CERN is saying there's other universes.  With their own realms.  Not the same non physical. & spiritual realms ur talking about

The realms extrasensories communicate with are of a different dimension but not of a different universe entirely.   There's 12 realms in Kabbalah.  The physical realm we live in & the realm of Angels & Demons we can't see. But exist. 
And other realms. 

But that's just this universe alone

There's other realms completely different no one ever  has seen or felt or intuited.    Those realms are in entirely new universes of their own.  

M-theory suggests there's other realities.  

Perhaps it's our very same selves in that reality experiencing a different life. & the dimensions of astral plane or extra sensory dimension  we're speaking of don't get crossed by m-theory. 

CERN so far hasn't proven m-theory but has discovered new particles which are the glue of mass.  Meaning if the universe is made of mass.  E=mc2.  We just figured out what the glue of m is.  

 

 

Edited June 27, 2016 by Raven_Mike

[Raven_Mike]

But alas.  I'm broke. I'm not that smart.

I dream of the cosmos   I know there's a meaning to life    The purpose is to find out why we're here   Unfortunately we're too busy making a streaming porn economy & selling cartoon tigers for sugary flakes covered in pesticides for money all day to ever get to the bottom of anything meaningful or important. 

So back to selling insurance. Annuities. Bonds. & stocks. 

 

Bc bc I can dream . I just accept shit is the way it is.   

No one wants to be homeless genius.  Except bukowski claims u gotta go all the way.   But that guy was fucking miserable man 

Edited June 27, 2016 by Raven_Mike

[Raven_Mike]

Sigh. Nihilism.  I believe in a god. But it's more like spinozas God. 

 

Nietzche he was known for nihilism but he was a deeply spiritual man.  He simply had gripes with society.   He said God is dead. Facetiously.  God if at all exists it's in the cosmos & in between the particles. & it's woven in DNA & other realms exist.    We can't prove it.  But we can only imagine God is an abstraction of all that exists in the universe we simply can't explain. 

 

Whats life on this planet about??   Selling cars. Getting money.  Getting married? Getting divorced.  Taking Testosterone pills to chase puasy & driving a nice car. Fame. Blah blah blah. 

Edited June 27, 2016 by Raven_Mike

[Raven_Mike]

For what it's worth. I like money & cool cars love & sex too.  

[Raven_Mike]

I'm fucking depressed man! I need help. 

Edited June 27, 2016 by Raven_Mike

[Raven_Mike]

You see what happens right?  All our energy brain focus & time & resources. Big resources Bc u need a huge movement to figure out solve big problems like countering global warming. 

Individuals & even mid cap companies & large cap companies even.  Like solar city.  Or tesla motors.  I commend them! But they're not changing much on the big problems of the world.  They put a tiny notch in it. 

These companies are rarity.  But the great bulk of capital & resources goes to undermining any positive benefits from solar city or tesla motors by wars for oil. Etc.  

the rest of us are forced into labor to pay exhorbidant rents & for less wages. & ppp.  Which is global purchasing power & inflation adjusted. The great wealth has been pocketed by small % of oligarchs.   

They buy govt & congress to avoid paying taxes. To dump their chemicals in our water supply.  To poison our food supply.  To send in a paramilitary army into a small 3rd world nation for commodities like Uhhhh. Bananas for example.  I love bananas. But it's not why we invaded guatamala.   We invaded guatamala so one company.  United fruit co could retain 100% of the profits of the banana vs share the wealth with its slave laborers they pushed into poverty with death squads etc. 

 

all  our wars are bullshit.  

 

We  have big problems & big projects we need to work on. As a globe & worldwide

. Not as USA. But as a world community. But we're too focused on streaming porno economy & tabloid journalism. Etc. 

what about the shit that actually matters? 

 

We got no time -- we're all busy using up our time working.  

 

Thats Time we could be spending making no money but researching keys to solving big problems  &  it takes a long period  to discover new ideas  etc  and we got no money  Bc it's all out of pocket costs  Bc people have to pay rent  

Forget great minds working on Wall Street or elsewhere as a brain drain    U need big money 

i.e. Resources for projects like that.  Cost big bucks. CERN was gonna be a USA project. But congress said.  Nah.  What's the point?  It's makes no money!!!!

Ended up in Switzerland   which is awesome but like these are things we're here to figure out    To be curious  to explore to discover  to create & innovate   I would argue innovation exists   But not within the confines of capitalism  but perhaps under grants & philanthropic research events  

We could have bullet trains   & cheaper power companies with better service  etc  smarter cities  w/ transit systems   Jobs creating etc  

we have wars!!!!  A war on cancer    A war on AIDS    A war on diabetes  

 

wr have expropriated resources to undermine the progress of the world  &  it gets me down  but I'm powerless  

 

so I sell used cars & any other garbage I have to just to subsist & labor & it's fine with me   

I like having money  but  I realize there's more to life   I'm  feeling down about it 

 

 

Edited June 27, 2016 by Raven_Mike

[Raven_Mike]

How could u not be depressed. But I'm selling health insurance to clients now. 

But I'm for 100% single payer free healthcare system for all.  

[Evilwave Heddy]

We all get depressed at some stage during our life.  You just gotta outlast it, knowing that in few days you won't be depressed.

Good luck.

[Mal]

12 hours ago, charlie2dogs said:

get involved with a couple people who are on the verge of killing themselves,  people who have lost all hope, have no means of helping themselves, are at the mercy of others, some who are slipping through the cracks of life, some who have been beaten down till they feel worthless and want to die. allow yourself to feel the pain and misery that they are going through day and night, cry with them, cry for them, forget the rest of the world exist, its only you and no one else,  now look in the mirror through your own eyes into your deepest being, and ask what is important here, is the knowledge that i have important, is all this pain and misery just nonsense, should i just walk away because those people are trapped in a dream, and leave them to whatever befalls them,  or do i take what i know, have experienced and do my best to help those in the dream to awaken, even if it cost me everything, even my life.  This kind of work and accepted responsibility where none was is the path that leads to a greater awakening and self realization,  peace, and a reason for living out this existence and being happy that you are able.

 

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden. 

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. 

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for Love's sacred feast. 
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart. 
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love. 
When you love you should not say, "Love is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of Love."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. 
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

 

Kahlil Gibran on Love  with the exception of three words,

Thank you thank you. And thanks for the beautiful poem Charlie, contemplating this popped me out of that experience, now there is more peace. I am going to take some time exploring this, not sure how but it will manifest im sure.

@Natasha

Incredibly useful, as always. Just the abstract concept of integrating forms is enough for a bump back down to earth. Thanks 

Edited June 27, 2016 by Mal

[Raven_Mike]

The truth is I gotta get back to work  or I'm gonna be broke  --- I just took off April   & had like what I thought was an epiphany   

Like that there were more important things to focus on  

but in the end   Nothing changed   Things arguably are exact the same If not worse  

 

 so I derailed my whole life on a dream for no reason --- now I'm back at square one & need to go beg for a new job somewhere that sucks my soul out  but I need money   Bc I can't survive without it 

U guys are right.  I need to change my vibration back to reality 

All my thoughts & dreams may have truth to them.  But they won't change the world. Too much resistance to that 

Edited June 27, 2016 by Raven_Mike

[Raven_Mike]

There recently was a Wall Street coup in Brazil. 

  A bloodless coup.  But mind u it was planned & engineered by Wall Street speculators who collaborated with DC think tanks & council on foreign relations & the govt of USA executed it  Bc Wall Street said.  These people have so many riches in timber, oil, mining, live cattle, & they have a growing middle class. & Wall Street says.   I'm not making enough money off it

so. They overthrow a democratically elected leader dilma Rousseff. 

And roll back social programs & living wages.  & expropriate the cheap labor & resources and revert Brazil back into a 3rd world country.  & take the oil & gas & mining. Etc  they cut down the forest in Amazon now with no regulations anymore  

So now the country is in disarray  but the money is flowing in!  

They have huge coffee fields  just enormous resources   It's a giant money grab    ---- so in the banks & hedge funds   Their goal was to buy up all the distressed equities at mere pennies  & they were sold at mere pennies Bc the country has been so economically devastated Bc of number of reasons   --- so  now  Wall Street owns Brazil's mines  ---- and I had to buy them all up cheap

$VALE mining

$PBR petrobas  

$ITAU bank

$oibr Oi telecom   

 

Etc  

i swear to god. It just made me feel sick. So I quit my job.  But. I need to accept that's the way the world works now.  

They did the same thing only far more bloody in Honduras in 2009

theg did a similar thing in Argentina recently with their president CFK

 

Theyre gonna keep doing it!  Venezuela & Ecuador & Iran are next.  All for the money & resources. 

Edited June 27, 2016 by Raven_Mike

[Raven_Mike]

So I kind of had a nervous breakdown & a depression.  Which is ongoing.  I started out my life up until mid 20s dreaming of being a musician.   I had several entrepreneurial endeavors  making guitars   Making electronics for music equipment  but I couldn't keep afloat   Too much competition  & i couldnt pay my bills    --- so I went back to school to learn finance   That's what I do now   Until I just quit --- I just was depressed

 

 I wanted to help the world.  I just ended up needing a real job.  Bc all my instruments were repossessed & I was homeless

so.  I'm lost in life.   I feel miserable.   Idk.  

I know I have to go back to the matrix and do agent smiths bidding.   But now I have to do so as a masochost who walked away when they wanted me to do my job.  Which I felt a conflict of interest in doing.   But now I'm unemployed.  & I need a job.  

Edited June 27, 2016 by Raven_Mike

[governor]

11 hours ago, Raven_Mike said:

I'm in a hole.  I'm sinking in it

maybe you can stop sinking-work from where you are now---rather than a free fall all the way to the bottom. maybe not.

40 minutes ago, Raven_Mike said:

The truth is I gotta get back to work  or I'm gonna be broke

 

15 minutes ago, Raven_Mike said:

It just made me feel sick. So I quit my job

 

40 minutes ago, Raven_Mike said:

now I'm back at square one

 

16 minutes ago, Raven_Mike said:

Theyre gonna keep doing it!

obviously we are very different people...but I feel for you ...I also eventually walked away from my long standing job with a title and benefits because I couldn't watch whats happening any  more.--its an interesting dilemma, huh. I honestly hope you find a way...

[Raven_Mike]

I had an epiphany.   Maybe I should consider a career change. But to be honest I'm not that skilled in computer engineering or anything.  I'm great at finance.  I make money when I invest.  But. It is soul sucking sometimes. 

This music video explains me to a tee

https://youtu.be/ZSb3nG4oTNQ

 

Edited June 27, 2016 by Raven_Mike

[Raven_Mike]

I had a triggering event that spurred my resistance   Well it wasn't my firm (I worked for a mutual fund)  --- that organized the Brazil coup   Rather it was the big investment banks; few hedge funds & one big co called BLACKROCK that capitalized on helping  the Brazil coup  ---  that triggered me

bc as soon as it happened   What did I do!?  I bought up Blackrock shares   Bc that's what u do!  

Unfortunately  u have no choice  we're not there to lose money!!!  We're there to make it!

Big trigger

mainly one thing, my boss said to me was how the Iraq war necessary Bc it saved our faultering economy after 9/11.   He said it not proudly;  but rather as a steely eyed realist with sadness in his heart he said it. 

 

He wasn't saying he loved the war   He said it was necessary to save the economy after 9/11   I nodded  but I felt sick in my stomach   I resigned a few weeks later 

It's not that I believe in politics or politicians.  But things seemed a lot more hopeful.  Like a mass movement was building. Almost 1960s counter culture of sorts was growing & like there seemed a moment that change was possible or good would come of awareness. 

But the election season.  & believe me I didn't support Bernie sanders or any candidate as I'm a committed anarchist.

But I was hopeful that ANYONE except Trump & CLINTON would end up the nominee.    

Mind u I didn't get involved in any campaigns.  I didn't even vote in primaries.  

Edited June 27, 2016 by Raven_Mike

[governor]

I personally don't debate politics so i'm out on this one...but...

8 minutes ago, Raven_Mike said:

I had an epiphany.   Maybe I should consider a career change. But to be honest I'm not that skilled in computer engineering or anything.  I'm great at finance.  I make money when I invest.  But. It is soul sucking sometimes. 

maybe you could develop some new skills that might be more useful or maybe not

[Raven_Mike]

The thing is.  I'm really good at finance.  

They say. Don't do what u love. Do what you're good at.  & I love technology & art & writing & science.  But the damn honest truth is that I'm simply not any good at these things. 

I don't understand how to code --. I'd love to learn. But I'll never be like LEBRON JAMES of that field.  Let alone. I'll never be played on the worst high school team.  I wouldn't even make tryouts at the bad news bears baseball team in computers.   

Im not cut out for real estate.

 I've worked in service industry for years now. Had almost every job imaginable & I lived paycheck to paycheck ---. I went into finance. Bc I'm REALLY good at it!!!

i also enjoy it sometimes.  --- I don't like the office politics.    or beaurocracy of the whole thing.   

[Raven_Mike]

One of my colleagues;  I was in touch with recently after I left.  Sort of a mentor to me.   He had spent his 20 some odd years beginning out his career prior to this new company working as a floor trader in the open outcry pit at NYMEX - which is mostly digital now - but still exists and is being phased out   

For those who don't know what OPEN OUTCRY at the NYMEX is  

If u ever saw movie  TRADING PLACES w/ Dan Ackroyd & Eddie Murphy

- there is a scene in the end of the film where they travel to the WORLD TRADE CENTER NYC. --- and go to Frozen OJ pit to sell open outcry futures 

that's where my colleague worked

Anyway.  He spent 20 yrs working the NYMEX pits. Pure chaos-.

He tells me a story over beers one night:

he says to me,

"Mike.  The day 9/11 I was late to work -. I would've died along with many of my friends & coworkers on the NYMEX pit that day.   But I lived.  Bc I was late to work!"

"yeah? So? Go on!" , I responded 

he takes another swig & a shot,

"ok mike. I know you will judge me!  Here goes:  after my initial shock wore off during a week of darkness on the NYMEX floor.  I didn't really do much cathartisis.  I did however plan to arrive early the next trading day after the market reopens:

 "I made an outline of my plans to buy long market open!  & set all my price points for entry "

I responded; "that's pretty sick!  You realize that right? "

He says to me;  "sure; Mikey I know it's sick; but let me finish my story!"

He continues:

"My plan was: 

BUY WEST TEXAS INTERMEDIARYCRUDE OIL FUTURES.  & buy as many GOLD FUTURES CONTRACTS I could afford to allocate based on my marginable funds.

 I acted on it.   I made a fortune.

 Later on I grieved & had catharsis.  But my first instinct after the shock of 9/11 & cheating death was:.

Oh my.  There's a great oppurtunity to buy gold & oil now!"

-------------------------

I respond:.  "So, is there a point to your story?"

He takes another shot & swig of beer, "not really.  That's just how everyone on the NYMEX pit thinks!   The survivors are the ones like myself.  That's just the nature of the business.  You either survive or you don't.  And u take a walk bro!"

 

 

now mind you this guy isn't a GORDEN GEKKO or WOLF OF WALL STREET type.    He's one of the nicest guys in my office.  He just was telling me a war story to ease my jadedness w/ the business.   

 

 

Edited June 27, 2016 by Raven_Mike

[Raven_Mike]

I tell this story above to illustrate it's not that the people I work with are evil.   Although there are a few guys in other companies & top of their fields who I would consider pretty damn evil.  

The colleagues of mine are for the great majority of part the nicest people.   Men & women. Very educated. & not mean bone in their body.  They wouldn't go out to ruin other people's lives.  But they are also a product of the environment which is capitalism.  & even if they are the most compassionate do gooders in their weekend philanthropies. Or whatever.  They are fiduciary responsible to continuously chase profit.  

They may be aware of destruction or unaware.; but regardless of ur awareness you have to do the job of making money. While MOST IMPORTANTLY. not losing money.   Bc that is the job!   

------------------

its not that many of them suffer from sociopath personality disorders.  Some may. But most of them are human beings with feelings and good intentions. 

That said.  An example.   I met a CEO of a mid cap oil company in Texas.   Wonderful & delightfully kind in our chat.  He was generous & kept going over & above & beyond to make me feel welcome & to make me feel accommodated at our meetings.  

I once asked him off the record, " do you believe in global warming as a CEO of a big oil company?"

he says to me; "Mike. Between you and I.  Of coarse I do!  I worry every single day about the consequences of ecological impacts which I know my company is involved in promulgating!"

he continues. 

"I know we're destroying the planet - but if I stopped exploring & drilling & bypassing laws & regulations for the sake of my conscience, Mike.  You know what would happen?   I would be fired by the board members & they would replace me with an even more Machiavellian bastard that would do what the legal contract I signed binds me culpable to do.   It's a legal obligations to continuously seek growth for the shareholders & I'm in violation of my contract if  I avoid drilling a patch of oil I know will kill the local wildlife.  So. I feel bad about it. But it's better that I'm here than a guy who has no emotions at all. Right?"