Feeling Enormous Depression

[Raven_Mike]

I'd had a rough couple years. In the beginning of the year I'd made many progresses.  Since about end of April.  My progress reverted. I've never felt so much like a failure & stuck in my life.  

I can't believe I let myself down again.  I need help 

can someone help me ?

POLITICS & the state of the world sucked me into a downward spiral.  I began wanting to change things in the world to make a difference & the election became an impetus for me to share my voice on issues of wars & terror around the world.  

I began reading a lot of Noam Chomsky books & Howard Zinn etc.   I think it derailed me --- dreaming of a better world..  Vs. coming to grips and accepting we're stuck in this one..  

I think I made a lot of mistakes..  I didn't look out for myself.  I felt like a martyr to a cause.   I didn't support any of the candidates per se.  I just wanted to raise awareness. 

I lost myself in the deep darkness of the conspiracy etc.   it's not where my vibration was months ago.  

I'm lost -- i need help.

Edited June 26, 2016 by Raven_Mike

[Raven_Mike]

I feel so low now..   my vibration is low!  

It's just pain.  * My health deteriorated --- my tasks became meaningless..  
I feel stuck & Disempowered..  i'm not in control of my emotions nor my future nor my life anymore. 

I was in a good place..  I got derailed..  I derailed myself..  I need help!

[Raven_Mike]

I made all this amazing progress..  and I collapsed back on myself..  I feel so shitty about it.  

[Natasha]

@Raven_Mike Shit happens. You'll be fine. Hugs

[Raven_Mike]

How do overcome this emotion.   OF BURNING BRIDGES.. ?

I've burned a lot of bridges in the last few months..   I don't know why i was so self-hating.  I just wanted to be honest & express myself. 
That said.  I feel a bit isolated & unloved & alone & guilty.

I want to get myself back together.. but I feel i've gotten off track.   I feel a heavy burden now.  

 

[Raven_Mike]

I really got sucked up in  drama. 

i feel ashamed of myself for letting myself down in the process of chasing truth.  

I have to accept I'm powerless. All those things are unchanged & I feel I lost my soul on the process. 

Edited June 26, 2016 by Raven_Mike

[Natasha]

@Raven_Mike Start up with watching this: http://www.actualized.org/articles/how-to-deal-with-strong-negative-emotions

Leo also has vids on motivation and dealing with victim mentality, check them out too.

 

[Natasha]

@Raven_Mike You will find this helpful too. Hugs

 

[Raven_Mike]

I'm trying to understand the last video. How does he mean be aware fixes it?

Edited June 26, 2016 by Raven_Mike

[Raven_Mike]

How do I stop the pain?  It's just a deep cratering pain in me. 

Its not just the politics.  It was an outlet for me to avoid the real problem internally. I'm extremely unhappy.  I have a pain deep in the gut.  

 

It hurts.  I need to do more than fix a habit.  I need to learn to accept patience. I don't have any. 

I feel a need to escape. Bc I feel like I'm in a hole. A prison.  & I have to get back on track.  I'm unhappy.  

[Natasha]

@Raven_Mike Being aware means you're observing your emotions/ behavior from the 3rd person perspective. You don't take any of what you see on the screen in a movie personally, do you? Just observe, don't judge or label as good or bad. Watch how it makes you feel and if you want to stick around that feeling. Gradually you'll start getting detached from the emotion/ behavior that doesn't make you feel good. Would you want to hang out with someone who annoys you and make you feel like crap? No. Be aware of the fact that your negative emotion/ depression/ pain, etc. is that 'friend' you don't want to hang out with any longer. 

 

[Raven_Mike]

That's a good point. Thank you 

[Natasha]

You're welcome. Anytime  Hugs

[Raven_Mike]

Lol. Any other tips?

 

theyre all good. 

Edited June 26, 2016 by Raven_Mike

[Natasha]

2 hours ago, Raven_Mike said:

Lol. Any other tips?

Don't believe everything your mind is feeding you. Thoughts come from the collective ego-mind, realize you've been conditioned to think and feel certain way (by family, school, society, media, friends, etc). It sounds like it's time for you to start the process of ridding yourself of all that mental 'garbage'. Start meditating. Leo has a whole library of video material on how to and the benefits of meditation, the main benefit being to tame the 'monkey mind' and its endless 'nonsense' chatter.

 

Edited June 26, 2016 by Natasha

[Mal]

@Natasha @charlie2dogs

Hi Natasha, 

Can you help me out?  Maybe it's relevant to the OP's original question, maybe not?  I hope Mike can find some value in this, if not Mike then please ignore this.

What I'm experiencing right now is that absolutely everything is "nonsense".  Every single thought that anybody has ever spoken looks to me like just a regurgitation of the same thing.  

There is no individuals, only people caught in a dream like hypnosis trying to fix up their dream.  There is no knowledge, and no knower, and nothing worth knowing.

When I read something, even some heart felt story I cannot take it seriously because it looks to me as just that, a story.

I feel anxious, a little sad at times, but also I cannot help but laugh at this ridiculous world.

How do I know what I'm witnessing is not nihilism?  I truly don't know what to do with this.

 

 

[charlie2dogs]

37 minutes ago, Mal said:

@Natasha @charlie2dogs

Hi Natasha, 

Can you help me out?  Maybe it's relevant to the OP's original question, maybe not?  I hope Mike can find some value in this, if not Mike then please ignore this.

What I'm experiencing right now is that absolutely everything is "nonsense".  Every single thought that anybody has ever spoken looks to me like just a regurgitation of the same thing.  

There is no individuals, only people caught in a dream like hypnosis trying to fix up their dream.  There is no knowledge, and no knower, and nothing worth knowing.

When I read something, even some heart felt story I cannot take it seriously because it looks to me as just that, a story.

I feel anxious, a little sad at times, but also I cannot help but laugh at this ridiculous world.

How do I know what I'm witnessing is not nihilism?  I truly don't know what to do with this.

 

 

get involved with a couple people who are on the verge of killing themselves,  people who have lost all hope, have no means of helping themselves, are at the mercy of others, some who are slipping through the cracks of life, some who have been beaten down till they feel worthless and want to die. allow yourself to feel the pain and misery that they are going through day and night, cry with them, cry for them, forget the rest of the world exist, its only you and no one else,  now look in the mirror through your own eyes into your deepest being, and ask what is important here, is the knowledge that i have important, is all this pain and misery just nonsense, should i just walk away because those people are trapped in a dream, and leave them to whatever befalls them,  or do i take what i know, have experienced and do my best to help those in the dream to awaken, even if it cost me everything, even my life.  This kind of work and accepted responsibility where none was is the path that leads to a greater awakening and self realization,  peace, and a reason for living out this existence and being happy that you are able.

 

When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden. 

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth. 

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for Love's sacred feast. 
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart. 
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love. 
When you love you should not say, "Love is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of Love."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. 
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

 

Kahlil Gibran on Love  with the exception of three words,

[Natasha]

@Mal Nihilism is a belief that life has no intrinsic meaning or value. Belief is a construct of thoughts. Thought content is illusory. Illusion is the opposite of reality. Reality is truth.

Ok, so what is reality existentially? Pure transparent empty awareness. It's everything (all forms seen and unseen) and nothing (everything beyond object reality).

Notice - it's not just 'nothing', that 'nothing' is actually 'something' special, and it's 'EVERYTHING' as well. Nihilism would only suggest the 'nothing' part. 

It would be impossible to integrate and include nothing into nothing. Object/ form reality is to be taken into consideration - manifest unfolding, the means awareness happens to experience itself. There is no denial in that everything is just happening for whatever reason or no reason at all.

We now know from neuroscience that our unconscious brain processes 11 million bits per second (10 million times as fast a computer), but our consciousness is only 60 bits per second. That means we have no idea what we're doing  So sometimes not knowing comes as a relief and in those brief moments we rest in the bliss of 'this'.

So go ahead and use the 60 bits you got to appreciate a song and a story - both NOTHING and EVERYTHING, life at play, a miracle, reality, truth. 

Hugs       

Edit: Just thought of adding Ayla's thread 'Mind Attacks After Initial Seeing', you might also find helpful:

 

  

 

Edited June 28, 2016 by Natasha

[Raven_Mike]

I feel like the squirrel who didn't gather nuts for the winter right now.  I also reverted to bad habits like in giant collapse backwards. 

Id lost 30lbs.  Now getting heavier. Quit smoking.  Began up again.  

Made new friends & was social & self loving.   Now I'm isolating   

 

Im in a hole  my finances are in hole   My reputation feels like a sack of bricks  

it's not just the politics  

 

like I said   That's just another outlet like smoking that averts my attention to my emotions  

I meditated today all day.  But I continuously cried. 

It uplifted so much trauma.  So much trauma.  I meditated all day.   

 

I I still feel like my root chakra is unaligned.  In fact. My only open chakras are the heart & third eye & crown. 

 

Everything else is is closed off. 

 

I I spoke to my ex today. We mended some things.  I cried a little bit more realizing how much I really missed being in love & in a relationship.  & knowing we'll never be the same.  I don't want her back. 

 

But ut the pain is so deep. 

 

Its ran a core trauma wound from childhood. A family suicide.  An abusive parent.  

 

On/off troubles with recreational drug use. In my end.  Which I stopped. I wouldn't say I'm addict but a habitual avoider of my own pain & emotions 

[Raven_Mike]

I really wouldn't say the substance use which is so sparingly done.  

Or the chain smoking 

nor the weight gain & lethargy are the problem 

rather they are all symptoms of my emotions. Which are deep and cut through me.  

 

My emotions.  These feelings of deep pain sometimes.  Not always.  But in this moment ---. I revert to soothing them unconsciously with other means.   

I'm conscious now of that.   It took me since April. To get here.