Why does my dating life SUCK?

[7thLetter]

It's like I always come back here and post a similar thread, dating life is still the same.

I'm 24, INTP personality type, I consider myself to be an above-average looking male, never had a girlfriend, still a virgin. Closest I got was that I made out with a few girls at parties, and fingered a girl, but that was all 6 years ago. Now I get nothing.

I spent a year doing pickup in 2016, did over 500 cold approaches, got 50+ numbers but got barely anything out of it. I believe I took the wrong approach when talking to them.

I've been on Tinder since 2015, matched with so many hot girls that I think could've been potential girlfriends but I messed it all up with them. There was 2 hot girls who would talk to me for months on Tinder and through text but I'd say some dumb shit and it messed everything up. They gave me several chances but I fucked up.

I have a history of having crushes on girls with boyfriends, like "hmm maybe one fucking day they'll leave them for me." They were all just so receptive to my attention that it kept me chasing. Even til' this day, I like a girl with a boyfriend right now.

I've done nofap, I've worked on myself, I gym, yet I get nothing.

Now its 2020, I made the intention to work on my dating life this year, but now its come to a halt with this COVID bullshit. Now all I have is Tinder, and I'm writing this now because I messed it up with another fucking hot girl, she just unmatched me after 3 tries.%#@!Utgfshtrsh4654w6546w54y54w

its frustrating.

Edited March 30, 2020 by 7thLetter

[Gili Trawangan]

1 hour ago, 7thLetter said:

I spent a year doing pickup in 2016, did over 500 cold approaches, got 50+ numbers but got barely anything out of it. I believe I took the wrong approach when talking to them.

I can't talk about your online failures because I'm not that great at it. But as far as cold approach goes, if you want help you have to be more specific.

Why did it never work out? The first thing you need to learn is how to diagnose what happened in set. The girls are your mirror, what you get is usually what you're projecting.

You need to be able to explain what went wrong and why. That's the only way to get better. Otherwise you're shooting in the dark.

[7thLetter]

@Gili Trawangan Basically I treated most of them like an asshole because I had the wrong idea in my mind that being an asshole is attractive to women. You hear it all the time "Be different, girls don't like nice guys, nice guys finish last." But of course I know now that it doesn't mean you have to be a jerk. Then over time, going all out with it, treating random strangers like a jerk, turned me into a complete narcissist asswipe. I quit pickup back then because of who I was becoming, also there was some viral facebook posts of girls taking photos of PUA's in my area, I definitely did not want to be one of those guys.

But I wasn't always a complete jerk to every girl on the street, sometimes I'd try to use another approach and genuinely connect with the girl, etc. But it still wouldn't work out. Although I do think it just didn't work out with most of them because its part of the numbers game, its a cold approach. I truly believe that it would only work out with 10% of the girls you meet. I only got the number 10% of the time, and barely any of them came out on dates unless it was solid. And so I would assume that only 5-10% of the phone numbers you get would come out on dates, depending on the connection.

There were probably also other things like not focusing on the connection enough, maybe I wasn't attracted enough, maybe I was too needy, all these other things too. Cause when you're out there, sometimes we focus on warming up and doing multiple sets to build up the confidence that we forget that one of those warm up sets could be a potential mate.

 

 

[Peo]

Maybe take dating course online, they do exist or pay some dating coaches to guide you in the field when u approch girls.

[Gili Trawangan]

1 hour ago, 7thLetter said:

Basically I treated most of them like an asshole because I had the wrong idea in my mind that being an asshole is attractive to women. You hear it all the time "Be different, girls don't like nice guys, nice guys finish last." But of course I know now that it doesn't mean you have to be a jerk.

It's good that you saw this. But instead of quitting, what one does is readjust and learn from past mistakes. When you do cold approach, you're already being different, 99% of guys don't do it, so there's absolutely no need to be a jerk in order to be different. If you do it right, you generate attraction immediately, due to the sheer amount of balls it takes to approach. Of course, that's just the beginning of the interaction. Girls will feel incongruence, so it's really about making your own personality shine, not trying to be someone else, someone who is "attractive".

Cold approach can make you face your demons sometimes because of some harsh rejections, but a turning point for me was when daygame started to be fun. I mean really fun, like I couldn't wait to go outside and play around. When the streets become your playground, you go out just to have fun and you stop caring about the results, it's all about the fun you're having in the moment. Notice how this is almost, if not fully, spiritual. It's just lighthearted innocuous fun. And if you happen to find a girl you vibe with, that's great.

The other side of this coin is treating the project seriously in the sense that you actually want to become better. That means raising your awareness of what's happening in real time and adjusting accordingly. With enough experience it becomes natural, that's what people call calibration.

It all comes down to how much you want it. If you want it bad enough, believe me, you have plenty of time to get good and to improve your dating life ENORMOUSLY. Good luck.

[IJB063]

@7thLetter Hey Buddy,

These are my personal opinions - take what you want - leave what you don't

The balls in your court on this one - I'm no expert 

2 hours ago, 7thLetter said:

I'm 24, INTP personality type, I consider myself to be an above-average looking male, never had a girlfriend, still a virgin. Closest I got was that I made out with a few girls at parties, and fingered a girl, but that was all 6 years ago. Now I get nothing.

First thing, drop Myers Briggs - the average half life of a single Myers Briggs personality type is 6 weeks - meaning if you take the test in 6 weeks you will probably have a different personality type - that stuff is like astrology - the big 5 personality traits are better - but remember personality is fluid - you are who you say you are - don't pigeonholed yourself as this kind of person - be the master of your own identity 

Robert Greene Laws from the "48 Laws of Power"

Law 25 Recreate Yourself

"Do not accept the roles that society foists on you. Re-create yourself by Forging a new identity, one that commands attention and never bores the audience. Be the master of your own image rather than letting others define it for you. Incorporate dramatic devices into your public gestures and actions-your power will be enhanced and your character will seem larger than life."

Made a post on this that could be helpful

Second - it doesn't matter what you consider yourself to be - ask others - who are nonpartisan - and ask a bunch - then give yourself a mean

But don't worry about your looks - be fit - that's #1 thing you can do right now is to become a savage - and groom yourself

You mind fuck yourself if you care to much about looks - embrace whatever you look like - no one care about looks as much as you do

Third, if you've made out with some girls and fingered one - you CAN get pussy - its just a matter of time

3 hours ago, 7thLetter said:

I spent a year doing pickup in 2016, did over 500 cold approaches, got 50+ numbers but got barely anything out of it. I believe I took the wrong approach when talking to them.

I find the way you get laid as a guy is to enjoy yourself

Now you have to make it clear you want to fuck her

Don't do it at the beginning, but don't do it back at your place

Never try to get with a girl under the auspices of friendship - you've already failed at that point

The thing is, I think where you may be going wrong is that when you go up doing a cold approach, its just not organic

It's like when a guy goes up to a girl at a bar and delivers a pickup line

The fact that he had a pickup line waiting revealed that hes put time and effort into trying to seduce her

She instantly knows what you want from her, its not organic

The best pickup line is no pickup line - the best approach is an organic approach

The girls are fucking built to literally smell the desperation on you 

Most will just give you their numbers to get you to fuck off

But you sir are here to fuck on

So what I recommend is fuck the cold approaches

Go out with your buddies to a bar or a party (anything where girls will be - better with alcohol or other substances)

And just have a good time - don't be their to get laid - girls will sense if your there to get laid, just enjoy yourself and they won't be creeped out by it

3 hours ago, 7thLetter said:

I've been on Tinder since 2015, matched with so many hot girls that I think could've been potential girlfriends but I messed it all up with them. There was 2 hot girls who would talk to me for months on Tinder and through text but I'd say some dumb shit and it messed everything up. They gave me several chances but I fucked up.

Fuck Tinder bro - that shit is a cesspool - unless you look like fucking Chad mcgee don't even bother - but you should work on your texting skills though cause they're still important

3 hours ago, 7thLetter said:

I have a history of having crushes on girls with boyfriends, like "hmm maybe one fucking day they'll leave them for me." They were all just so receptive to my attention that it kept me chasing. Even til' this day, I like a girl with a boyfriend right now.

This is terrible - the girls are using you like a teddy bear bro - girls always know when you're into them - you are their backups if shit goes sour with their current more attractive boyfriends - save yourself the hassle, and drop the "one day they'll see me for me, and realize how much I love them and they'll love me" - its children's fantasy man - they won't - don't ever be friends with a girl you are attracted to, its not a friendship, its just a pathetic hope that one day she'll magically fall in love with you, she won't, and she definitely won't if you become her "friends", I've been their buddy, in your same situation, crushing on a girls with boyfriends - the best cure is to cut it off and always be up front with your intentions

3 hours ago, 7thLetter said:

I've done nofap, I've worked on myself, I gym, yet I get nothing.

Curious - how long have you done nofap - aim for 120 days with zero porn

The major thing is absolutely no porn - masturbation and orgasm are okay but should be done rarely to keep up that libido

Keep working at the gym - #1 you shouldn't be going to the gym for girls - #2 there is nothing wrong with being more attractive

You will get a girl in the end, just drop the woe is me attitude, trust me, girls aren't that difficult to get

3 hours ago, 7thLetter said:

Now its 2020, I made the intention to work on my dating life this year, but now its come to a halt with this COVID bullshit. Now all I have is Tinder, and I'm writing this now because I messed it up with another fucking hot girl, she just unmatched me after 3 tries.%#@!Utgfshtrsh4654w6546w54y54w

its frustrating.

Yet again drop Tinder

Use the COVID 19 stuff to kill your desperation buddy - meditate - read on this subject, of getting girls

[note - i'll come back here in a bit once I find a pdf for a book you should read when I find it]

1 hour ago, 7thLetter said:

Basically I treated most of them like an asshole because I had the wrong idea in my mind that being an asshole is attractive to women. You hear it all the time "Be different, girls don't like nice guys, nice guys finish last." But of course I know now that it doesn't mean you have to be a jerk. Then over time, going all out with it, treating random strangers like a jerk, turned me into a complete narcissist asswipe. I quit pickup back then because of who I was becoming, also there was some viral facebook posts of girls taking photos of PUA's in my area, I definitely did not want to be one of those guys.

Stop trying to be like this guy - it doesn't work - relax - you're trying to hard

Also fuck those girls and fuck their opinions - how harmful, some guy wants to have a conversation with you to help build up his self esteem and become better socially, maybe find a one girl whose interested in him - so where going to photograph and shame them - fuck those bitches

1 hour ago, 7thLetter said:

There were probably also other things like not focusing on the connection enough, maybe I wasn't attracted enough, maybe I was too needy, all these other things too. Cause when you're out there, sometimes we focus on warming up and doing multiple sets to build up the confidence that we forget that one of those warm up sets could be a potential mate.

 

Number one thing from reading your posts buddy is I think you got to kill that desperation or that "too needy" attitude

Just relax, be social, go out with friends, talk with girls, but with the goal to just enjoy yourself

Be confident - be irrationally self confident, that doesn't mean be a dickhead

Also don't divulge your life story to these girls man, play a persona like@Vxvxen said

Trust me, you do that and work on yourself it will fucking come naturally to you man

Like flies to shit

Anyway 

Godspeed on Journey

[Light Lover]

@7thLetter  All I can personally say is I empathize very deeply with you on this corona virus bullshit that has gripped the world. It has fucked up both of our plans, and not just us, everyone else with the same plans as us, men and women, of all ages, so know you are not alone.  

[IJB063]

@Light Lover  Hey man

You know in a few days bitches are going to start getting horny and breaking out of quarantine

You think some pussy bat disease is going to stop the human propensity towards breeding 

[Light Lover]

Ahahahaha we will see  Women get horny? 

[IJB063]

@Light Lover

Just now, Light Lover said:

Women get horny?

Actually yeah your right

They don't get horny 

Guess my premise is now fucked

Never mind

Side point I got an interesting fact

Did you know women don't shit either

They only poo bubblegum

100% true

Girls are just sugar and spice and all things nice

[StarStruck]

This book is recommended:

The Social Skills Guidebook: Manage Shyness, Improve Your Conversations, and Make Friends, Without Giving Up Who You Are

[Roy]

What are you acting like and saying shortly before you "fuck things up", and they stop talking to you?

You have to be completely honest with yourself here.

Are you being too pushy with them to talk all the time or set up a date? Are you being far too available for them? Are you focusing so hard on chasing that you're neglecting your life in any way? These are the kinds of things to ask. 

Women are highly intuitive, they can sense these things out and won't say a damn word about it to you, but still feel it. It will cause them to lose attraction.

Perhaps you've just been unlucky. Perhaps good things will come your way if you drop the need/attachment mindset for wanting sex or a girlfriend too much.

[7thLetter]

@IJB063 Hey thanks for taking the time to write your response.

20 hours ago, IJB063 said:

First thing, drop Myers Briggs - the average half life of a single Myers Briggs personality type is 6 weeks - meaning if you take the test in 6 weeks you will probably have a different personality type - that stuff is like astrology - the big 5 personality traits are better - but remember personality is fluid - you are who you say you are - don't pigeonholed yourself as this kind of person - be the master of your own identity

Yeah its pretty interesting actually, currently I find myself to crave social interactions more than I used to. Especially now with all the social isolation required from us, its driving me a bit insane sitting at home and having the social life I had stripped away from me. Even though I consider myself to be quite an independent, introverted type, I still want human connection in my life. Although, I do find Myers Briggs to be quite accurate. But after your suggestion, I'll definitely be more mindful about the identity I create for myself.

20 hours ago, IJB063 said:

I find the way you get laid as a guy is to enjoy yourself

Now you have to make it clear you want to fuck her

Don't do it at the beginning, but don't do it back at your place

Never try to get with a girl under the auspices of friendship - you've already failed at that point

So what do you mean exactly with this part? Don't try to fuck her at the beginning, and don't do it at my house?

And the last part, "auspices" is a new word for me. Don't get with a female friend is what you're saying? Or don't befriend her first, then try and fuck her?

21 hours ago, IJB063 said:

Curious - how long have you done nofap - aim for 120 days with zero porn

The major thing is absolutely no porn - masturbation and orgasm are okay but should be done rarely to keep up that libido

60+ days semen retention was my longest streak, I still watched porn at least once a week. Hmm interesting, maybe I might try that, no porn but with occasional masturbation, maybe even no masturbation.

 

 

[IJB063]

@7thLetter

1 hour ago, 7thLetter said:

Hey thanks for taking the time to write your response.

No problem buddy, hope its of help

1 hour ago, 7thLetter said:

Yeah its pretty interesting actually, currently I find myself to crave social interactions more than I used to. Especially now with all the social isolation required from us, its driving me a bit insane sitting at home and having the social life I had stripped away from me. Even though I consider myself to be quite an independent, introverted type, I still want human connection in my life. Although, I do find Myers Briggs to be quite accurate. But after your suggestion, I'll definitely be more mindful about the identity I create for myself.

I think most people crave social interactions, even those who are more introverted, we all want human connection, that's why your making this post

We are social animals, just because your more introverted it won't change that

Just make sure not to pigeonholed yourself as this one thing

Personalities can change drastically

Of course you think the Myers Briggs test describes you accurately

But give it a few weeks and if you take the test and it give you a new type you'll think that accurately describes you

Because all the types are just cool dudes - there is never a type that appears in bold saying YOUR A DICK

Myers Briggs are built to seduce you into liking your type - that's how they get money out of you when you buy the full "analysis"

1 hour ago, 7thLetter said:

So what do you mean exactly with this part? Don't try to fuck her at the beginning, and don't do it at my house?

And the last part, "auspices" is a new word for me. Don't get with a female friend is what you're saying? Or don't befriend her first, then try and fuck her?

I mean at the very start of the courtship make it fun

Be with people, be doing fun stuff and invite her to join you

And don't care if she does or if she doesn't

Then if she joins you, then you can tell her that you're attracted to her

E.g. after a few drinks then you can say something like "You are so fucking hot its insane" 

Try to make it funny and be entitled when you say it - have the balls to back it up - and assume shes attracted to you

See now you've established that your attracted to her

So you're not pretending to be her buddy

Auspices just means you covertly playing the buddy, but you really want to fuck her

Anyway, if you've done all that and succeeded she knows were you are coming from

So if you invite her back to your place for whatever reason (come up with some ideas to inviting her back e.g. come see my dog, come smoke a joint etc...) she knows why, its not because you are buddy buddy 

See, but you didn't make it clear out of the gate - that way it seems organic

Side Note - Never befriend a girl you are attracted to 

1 hour ago, 7thLetter said:

60+ days semen retention was my longest streak, I still watched porn at least once a week. Hmm interesting, maybe I might try that, no porn but with occasional masturbation, maybe even no masturbation.

See this is where you fucked up buddy

Read these two web pages

Semen retention might be a good thing - I'm unsure

But I am sure that porn is the cancer

Because that is what fucks with you neuro chemistry and your male libido

If you have to have a wank - no sexual thoughts - just sensation and as quick as you can like a savage just to get the poison out of your system

So you can think clearly - but no porn ever - this isn't me being a sexual puritan - this is you sorting out your head

And you got to be aiming for at least 90+ days to really see results

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/what-if-i-masturbate-edge-or-watch-porn-without-orgasm/

https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/what-if-i-masturbate-edge-or-watch-porn-without-orgasm/what-if-i-recondition-my-brain-by-watching-porn-without-masturbating/

Godluck

[Consilience]

You should look into the work of Corey Wayne, he’s a stage orange dating/life coach with solid amounts of stage green. Despite not really understanding the existential nature of reality, he really understands the dynamics of attracting women and what women emotionally respond to. Check his YouTube videos out, and if you like what he has to say, if his teachings and stories resonate with you, he has a free online book that outlines the principles in a very straight forward way. I pretty much found instant success applying his principles... and if youtube comments mean anything, 100s of other men have as well. 

If you’re continually screwing up with women, it’s something to do with your behavior. You’re more than likely behaving from your feminine energy, which women are repelled by. You of course dont want to be the overbearing, macho douchebag (love is playful), but you also dont want to be the woman in the relationship. However most men dont understand which behaviors are coming from their masculine core vs feminine core. I sure as hell didnt. But now that Ive read the book, watching his videos, the world of dating makes A LOT more sense AND Ive had success with women applying the principles. 

Id keep up the no PMO journey, but knowing the principles of what women emotionally respond to is much more important than semen retention when it comes to attracting women. 

 

 

[Angelo D]

Hey man,

I have been in a similar situation, funny, I'm an INTP also. pretty good looking myself, some sparse, unfulfilling success just like you. 22 years old, done a year of pickup, mostly in vain. 

Good news: there's hope. What has worked for me was actually going to a therapist at my college (something that never really crossed my mind as a good idea). I was lucky enough to randomly be assigned to a therapist who was formerly a pickup artist. what I found is that even though I wouldn't have told you before that I had any major trauma around dating, what came up surprised me, but not my therapist. I recommend you give it a try. It seems to have made me much less stuck than I was. I don't think you will be disappointed. My major breakthrough came at the realization that even though I thought I was being vulnerable in talking to girls, I really wasn't. I had blocks to vulnerability because of hurt in the past. Clearing that up is likely to be the next step for you, judging from my experience. I felt a large weight lifted off my shoulders. 

If you decide to give it a try, follow up and let me know how it goes. if you have any questions about my experience, my email is aderosa2@lion.lmu.edu 

[Angelo D]

 

Also, I read your LSD report. I noticed that part about feeling neglected. I have never done psychedelics, but have had that same experience when high off my ass on weed. I would suggest considering the idea that your fear of neglect and your neediness may be stemming from the same place as your troubles with women

[Consilience]

1 hour ago, Angelo D said:

 

Also, I read your LSD report. I noticed that part about feeling neglected. I have never done psychedelics, but have had that same experience when high off my ass on weed. I would suggest considering the idea that your fear of neglect and your neediness may be stemming from the same place as your troubles with women

Women intuitively pick up on neediness and it is a BIG turn off. If op is struggling on that front, it can definitely hinder attraction.

Even if you dont feel needy, displaying needy behaviors is enough to kill the attraction so learning what behaviors display neediness vs. centeredness is crucial. 

[7thLetter]

@Roy I know these aren't questions you're asking me, but rather a suggestion of questions that I should ask myself. But just wanted to reply anyway.

Now that I think about it, the pickup community and PUAs I was hanging around were so manipulative. They rely on using certain tips and tricks to get something out of a girl, whether its a number or sex, manipulation was so common that it got to me and I started thinking the same way they do and using certain tricks that we learn from each other.

So the biggest thing that messed me up with these few girls was that I was trying to use some "psychological" trick to get them to like me. One of them was clearly into me already, but I was getting insecure and tried to act like a "fuckboy" to make me seem attractive. Pickup teaches you that "abundant" men with social proof are seen as more attractive to women.

Another mistake I've had with a few other girls is that I was emotionally reactive to them. Sometimes they would not reply to a text or do something, then I would react to that in a way that makes me look insecure. Then of course, another mistake of taking too long or taking things too quick.

I honestly admit to myself I have a lot to work through with myself.

 

[7thLetter]

@Consilience I've watched a handful of his videos in the past but I'll definitely check them out some more thanks!

On 3/31/2020 at 3:15 PM, Consilience said:

Women intuitively pick up on neediness and it is a BIG turn off. If op is struggling on that front, it can definitely hinder attraction.

Even if you dont feel needy, displaying needy behaviors is enough to kill the attraction so learning what behaviors display neediness vs. centeredness is crucial. 

Yeah there's a lot I have to work through. I fell of my meditation habit, but with all this extra time at home, I'm going to need to get back on it.