The HEALING ROAD

[Preety_India]

 

I'll use this journal to chronicle my path towards healing from a terrible relationship and a breakup.. 

The relationship transformed my personality in both good and bad ways. Good because I learned how to find love in myself and to detach from negativity. Bad because it left so much damage and trauma both physical and mental. 

 

I had opened thread very recently in the dating section regarding my ex and his constant efforts to reel me back into the relationship I tried so hard to escape. 

That thread had wonderful suggestions and ideas and thoughts that I need to include in my journal of healing.. 

This is an important journal because it is the journal where I am going to be embarking on a new journey from today that is March 27. (2020)

I need to be moving on and it will need a lot of healing and acceptance and self love. 

He left a hole in my heart which he filled with a ton of negativity that I will need to recover from. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

When you ask yourself do you want it 

 

 

You need to know that it's not about you being a part of it but if you really want or not.

Its about appreciation. 

And Id someone doesn't appreciate then it's not your fault. 

It's about whether..... You will be made to have it. 

In many ways its like bringing the horse to the water. 

I'm trying to repair my damaged psyche. 

 

[Preety_India]

A psyche damaged by my ex. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I need to do some reading and take inspiration from it. 

It's hard though but I try 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 27, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 A song dedicated to my ex

 

 

[Preety_India]

I like this woman's feminine appeal 

 old, yet so feminine. 

 

 

Her face is so sublime 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 28, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Preserve, protect, nourish, maintain.

 

 

Edited March 28, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Love is the universal force embedded in creation. 

 

There is no beauty there is no grace and there is no intelligence without love. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 28, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

Sometimes I need to laugh a little more to beat the blues 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

Just have faith in yourself and it will be alright. I know it hurts to have go through so much at the same time but try to take one at a time.. Try to take your energy back. 

I was such a wonderful person before all of this happened. And this thing completely changed my life, got me depressed and upset all the time. I need to find that spirit again. 

He never deserved me. It's time to stop hurting. 

His passive aggressive is not going to work anymore. 

Fck his narcissistic control. Never reply to him. He wants me to be punished for the breakup. What an awful thing. Not like he didn't control me enough during the relationship. 

 

Love Yourself. He can go to hell. 

 

Edited March 29, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

There are much better people in this world who care and understand.. 

Who are not controlling. Why the hell would he want me to stay single. No way. I'm not going to punish myself for his failures. 

He sucks. He always did 

 

_________________________

What he did was gross. As usual I couldn't have expected something better from him. He always had to disappoint. 

 

 

Edited March 29, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

He has no idea how ridiculous he sounds. He wants me to feel hurt. 

The need to love myself is even stronger these days. The need to heal from within. I have made mistakes. Loving someone so deeply only to realize that you were just an object to them,an object if control is very hurtful meanwhile you were so devoted to their every need and sentiment. Any gal would have told me to just drop him. He is messed in the head. It took me a while to figure out his bullshit. 

He thinks I'm going to fall for his bullshit. 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

It's me who always humanized you. Made you into something that you weren't. It's me who gave you a color, shape and form. It's me who gave you who you are. But you had to shit on me like you always did. Now that I'm gone you've started your pity party, your false victimhood. Like I did something to you. No. I just left your ass for good because it was unbearable to be with you. 

It was like constantly digging for something that doesn't exist. A bottomless pit in which you kept dragging me. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 29, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

 

 

 

???Why I'll never trust a man ever again(with my heart) ???

 

Part 1

The first time we met, we instantly fell for each other. You would woo me with your words and your charm. 

You were charming and attractive. You had a way of saying things. A way of pleasing me by pandering to my inner child of deprivation. The inner child in me that was forever neglected in childhood, you laundered to that child in me, you said you would love me forever, you made me feel wanted,
For the first day of our relationship you said the words

"You're the woman of my life, I'd rather go blind than see you walk away." 

Finally I saw a man who openly said that he wanted me, that he would love me like no other. My inner child ran towards you in need of love, I was deprived for so long, I was hungry for long, hungry for love, so I saw love I ran like never before, I ran directly into your arms never realizing what nightmare was waiting for me.

"You're the woman of my life"
"I will love you like no other"
"I'd go blind without you"
 

Those were the words you said and I began dreaming. The Cinderella within me wanted to dream. Wanted to dance. 

 

 

 

The first 2 months were great. Great sex. You're so loving, so gentle, I felt like a beautiful world had opened for me. Finally I was the Cinderella who found her glass slippers and she was ready to ride with her Prince Charming from the Diamond Ball.

 

 

I felt like I found the one that truly fit like a glove, or like a beautiful glass slipper.. 

 

And then came Month number 3.
And  you started to face problems in your life, people were rejecting you, things were getting harder for you, you would have bad moods, you true colors begin to show. Your anger issues began to crop up. You would get angry for nothing. You would chastise me, take out your frustrations on me, pass me snide remarks. It was only the beginning, the beginning of the death of Cinderella's dream..

 

Your true colors would begin to show

It was the 3rd month of our relationship and I noticed that you weren't the same person I had fallen head over heels in love with. You wouldn't say anything loving anymore. You would ignore my smiles.

You would start talking a lot about your ex. You would suddenly get a violent temper and fly in a rage at me. And you would be cold and say something mean.. The next day you would act like nothing happened.

I began to feel hurt and confused. Not understanding what happened. If I asked you would get angrier. You would make me feel deprived and guilty if I wanted some time with you.

Deprived
Deprived
Deprived

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 29, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Part 1  continued..... 

 

 

 

 If i said something out of a misunderstanding, you would give me that look, that stern look, like I messed up bad, I would feel fear, a permanent fear that I might offend you in some way carefully curating my words and conversations with you, trying hard not to offend you even if I wasn't being offensive. That fear

Living in fear
Living in fear
Living in fear

 

                            

 

My scattered brain was confused. It didn't know what was going on.

You would be nice one minute. Bad the next.

 

Lift me up 

Lift me up

Bring me down 

Bring me down 

The relationship was a Rollercoaster
Yes it was

A Rollercoaster of emotions
A Rollercoaster of emotions
A Rollercoaster of emotions

 

I felt trapped like wrapped in a chokehold
The echo went

Trapped
Trapped
Trapped
Trapped

I lived in guilt. You guilted me back every time I wanted to leave.

Guilt

Guilt

Guilt

 

Every time I said I was not happy and tried to protest you silenced me

Silenced

Silenced

   Silenced    

If I brought up an issue You would dismiss me

Dismissed

Dismissed

Dismissed 

You always wanted another woman in the relationship but you wouldn't let me go if you wanted her.

Love triangle

Love triangle

Love triangle

 

 

 

You always said that I would do something bad when I never did it


Projection

Projection

Projection

If I ever asked a question I was wrong. Gaslighting

Wrong

Wrong 

Wrong 

If I showed you my scars of childhood abuse, you would say I'm playing victim

Playing victim

Playing victim 

Playing victim 

You would say that my family was brutal to me and then turn around and stab me

Backstabbing

Backstabbing

Backstabbing

You tried to isolate me from anyone who wanted to support me

 Isolation

Isolation

Isolation 

 

 

Being with you felt like a crazy ride. A bottomless pit. There was never any stability because there was no way to know when you would get angry.

Bottomless pit

Bottomless pit

Bottomless pit

 

 

You only wanted me when you wanted me. Other times I would get ignored. I was switch on switch off coffee vending machine to you. An object to be used whenever you wanted

Object

Object

Object

I always felt like I was getting nowhere in the relationship. Every time I put effort to patch things up it would break down again and I would keep patching up. I was digging harder and harder, harder and harder but I never struck gold, I never found that sense of peace with you, because you kept it from giving me, you wanted me struggling for your affection for forever

Digging forever 

Digging forever 

Digging forever

 

 

In moments when I felt like I received love, you made it appear like you did a favor to me, and you said that I didn't deserve you.

 Undeserving 

Undeserving 

Undeserving 

 

 

 

If you had a bad day you would call me a bitcch 

Bitcch

Bitcch

Bitcch

 

 

I was not supposed to do this.. You controlled the narrative everytime. I was not supposed to do this or that. Everything had to be your way or no way. I removed people from my life that you didn't appreciate. I always had to do what you wanted

Controlling

Controlling

Controlling

 

 

When you needed help you would run to me, and I would help you but if I needed support, you would reject me
 

Rejected

Rejected

Rejected

If I was upset with your behavior towards me you would mock me

Mocking

Mocking

Mocking

You would never acknowledge that you were hurting me. After a lot of arguing you would finally accept that you "might" have been wrong but you would never apologize for hurting me

Never accept 

Never accept

Never accept 

 

If people helped him in some way he would pay them off with money. I would be disgusted by that. 

 

When I said that I wanted to have a child with you, you said that you wouldn't want a child and it will be a burden for you and you really cannot love my child. You would never say "our child" it was going to be my child.....

Mine... Yours...Never "Ours" 

Mine... Yours... Never "Ours"

Mine.... Yours... Never "Ours" 

You would threaten to leave me if I continued protesting your behavior instead of putting up with it.

Those were your words...

" you're on a short leash"

"you're on a short leash" 

"I need to know if I really want you" 

 

 

 

If I told you that I'm fed up, you would blackmail me emotionally that I'll never be happy without you, that I'll suffer permanently if I decided to leave

Emotional blackmail 

Emotional blackmail 

Emotional blackmail 

If I got triggered, you would say I'm getting triggered but never ask or want to know why I was getting triggered

Shaming me for my trigger 

Blaming me for my trigger 

Never bothered to resolve the trigger 

You wouldn't stop picking on me even if I told you to stop

 Bullying

Bullying 

Bullying

You were feeding on me and using me and milking me for what I was worth. You were ready to throw me when you were done using me..

Use and throw

Toilet paper 

Toilet paper 

Toilet paper 
 

 

I realized too late I was your punching bag. You were a champion in boxing in school by the way. Maybe this was another boxing trip.

Punching bag

Punching bag 

Punching bag 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I finally broke down when you said that you weren't sure if you wanted me. I had put put up with so much for so long and I still wanted our relationship to work because deep inside of me I still loved you, and I still wanted you but you kept on and on....

 

I felt like it was a sinking ship and there was no hope. Things were never going to change. The toxicity of the relationship was never going to end.

So I gave up although I had given up many times before but this time something in me told me..... RUN RUN RUN.. NOW OR NEVER.

 

   Part 2 

 

I finally took the plunge.

Plunge

Plunge 

Plunge

 

 

 

And so I ran. I ran away. You as usual tried to hold me, not letting me go, guilting me for going, ready to pull me back. But I wasn't having it.

 

 

 

 

 

I ran as fast as I could as if my life was on the line.

You asked why.. I knew why. You knew why. Because you were a piece of shitt.. That's why.

 

 

And then once again
I was back to being the Cinderella that I was, the Cinderella I started out as, abused, hurt, unloved, deprived, the girl who was damaged since she was a child, the girl who tried to look for love and found it in the wrong places..

 

But all the hurt and betrayal taught her a lesson, never to trust a man again and anyone for that matter. To begin her new journey as a woman who finds love and peace within herself and vows to never get used by a man again!!

I'll regenerate, regrow, flourish once again, despite all the hurt, I'll find love and hope and peace, I'll once again grow like a tree, this time I will use my experience to guide me to not be with people who abuse other's emotional vulnerability. This time I'll be back stronger than before and chart out my own path towards emotional strength and emotional independence. This time I will create love rather than search for it. I'll use my feminine energy to create something I lack instead of depending on a man to give it to me and I'll never be with a man who can't give it like I used to before. No need to be with men who make it harder to love a woman. Cancel them from my life.
This time I pledge to myself to never be in loveless relationships and never be with loveless men who manipulate and create a facade to trap women.

 

 

This time I take my flight to freedom into the abyss of unconditional self love and hope.

 

 

 

                                                                   

 

 

[Preety_India]

6 minutes ago, Emerald said:

Mind you, I’m not psychic but this is what the cards reflect...

There currently is a sense of stuckness in certain painful patterns of thought and belief. And these thoughts/beliefs make it hard to listen to your heart and follow your intuition. You are blindfolded and fixed in place... which attracts the kind of partner that amplifies and mirrors this “stuck” feeling. And there’s lots of potential for pain... with all the swords.

The remedy seems to be to some deep contemplation on life, death, and love to get more perspective in terms of the role you want your love-life to play within the greater context of your life. 

And then, to develop your own masculine side more as well. And one such way would be to create your own business or live more in alignment with your purpose.

This will create greater integration internally... which tends to translate to more integrated relationships externally as well.

So Emerald did a reading on my love life. Looks awesome. 

 

 

There currently is a sense of stuckness in certain painful patterns of thought and belief. And these thoughts/beliefs make it hard to listen to your heart and follow your intuition. You are blindfolded and fixed in place... which attracts the kind of partner that amplifies and mirrors this “stuck” feeling. And there’s lots of potential for pain... with all the swords.

The remedy seems to be to some deep contemplation on life, death, and love to get more perspective in terms of the role you want your love-life to play within the greater context of your life. 

And then, to develop your own masculine side more as well. And one such way would be to create your own business or live more in alignment with your purpose.

This will create greater integration internally... which tends to translate to more integrated relationships externally as well

[Preety_India]

One thing I realized is the importance of freedom. 

Freedom is an important word for me now. 

It means a lot.. 

I need to cherish freedom in my life. Once you're free you're able to have a better focus on your healing journey. 

Healing begins with freedom 

 

 

[Preety_India]

A paradoxical way of achieving freedom is to raise barriers. This might seem odd because freedom and liberation should mean freedom from barriers and no barriers at all. 

Zero barriers. But that's not how it works. Freedom obviously means breaking the barriers that are trapping you or making you feel trapped so you're liberated to pursue a higher cause, a cause of serving yourself in the highest way, and this means that you need to break those barriers but at the same time raising barriers is also a big part of feeling and being free, this means that you raise barriers to protect yourself from harm, sometimes when you are a free spirit, you neglect this aspect of your life, you forget that raising barriers means the unwanted one won't encroach your space and thus limiting the entry of only positive energy into your inner world.