Not wanting enlightenment

[deso]

Hey folks,

 

I‘m out of words. My life turned into a nightmare. For a long time I have dealt with an over compulsive disorder, anxiety disorder and depression. There were times when I couldn’t even leave the house, because there was too much fear of something bad happening. I have been in therapy for a little more than two years, and in the meantime also heavily pursued enlightenment. I was a heavy thinker since a very young age. I always analized people, situations, everything. I just wanted to understand how things are truly, and why things are as they are.

Now I got my answers, I know how to ‚become‘ enlightened, i could write books about this whole topic, but I just don‘t feel like this is what I actually wanted.

I was thinking so much all the time that nothing made sense anymore - I was completely disconnected from my feelings. I never honestly asked my self what I wanted to do. My whole life I was just following other people, I never really made my own decisions. I was never honest with what felt good to me.

Now I‘m sitting here not knowing what I want to do in life, not really knowing myself, because I was never honest with what felt good to me and who I actually wanted to be. My personality is a mess.

And at the same time I have all this knowledge about enlightenment, not knowing what to do with it. I had so many realizations, that I just can‘t go back to ignorance anymore. I have seen too much. I lost interest in dairy, meat, alcohol, partying, music and lots of other stuff.

I didn‘t really pursue enlightenment because I wanted it for the truth and truth only. I felt the need to be superior to everyone else around me, but I just ran away from my issues. My issues would have been easily solved if I just at some point would have started doing what I actually wanted to do. This whole anxiety and OCD crap mainly came from not being the captain of my life and not doing what I wanted to do, thus repressing my true feelings.

I‘m now 22, have access to enlightenment, don‘t really want enlightenment, would like to stay in ignorance, but can‘t because I‘ve seen too much and now am now not able to live the life that I want to live.

Additionally I had an circumcision, which takes away the foreskin of the penis. The doctor took away too much skin and my dick feels uncomfortable ever since then. This just adds to the hell I’m in, because walking and sex is uncomfortable at times.

[bejapuskas]

Hello! I'd just like to tell you that I love you whoever you are, wherever you are. I hope that you can at least see the possibility of accepting what you are going through, you are not alone in this. <3

42 minutes ago, deso said:

Now I got my answers, I know how to ‚become‘ enlightened, i could write books about this whole topic, but I just don‘t feel like this is what I actually wanted.

I was thinking so much all the time that nothing made sense anymore - I was completely disconnected from my feelings. I never honestly asked my self what I wanted to do. My whole life I was just following other people, I never really made my own decisions. I was never honest with what felt good to me.

Now I‘m sitting here not knowing what I want to do in life, not really knowing myself, because I was never honest with what felt good to me and who I actually wanted to be. My personality is a mess.

What does 'Enlightenment' mean for you? You say that by thinking, you cannot find any sense. Your mind can't help but to think about concepts and project thoughts, that don't have any meaning, onto things. Enlightenment for the mind is just a concept, nothing more. It's good that you are honest about not wanting this, as now you can really move forward to whatever it is you really want. You feel it deep inside your bones.

What is it that comes up when you think of the word, Enlightenment?

[Aquarius]

But if you had all those problems, why didn't you seek to resolve them instead of seeking enlightenment? Maybe all you need is a normal life, and to make life the way you want it. Enlightenment doesn't make you superior to anyone, it's something for yourself. The need to feel superior is ego. 

Maybe you could do other things than spirituality? 

[deso]

@bejapuskas thank you .. I know it can‘t be put in words, essentially it‘s only feeling more deeply, seeing clearly what is actually true to you. But yes, I fear what will fall apart, I fear that I will become a completely different person, I fear that I will loose interest in so many things that will eventually make me more of a loner than I already am. I fear going crazy for some time. And I feel like I missed out on playing some more ego games, that I‘m now not able to play anymore. I have to admit, I have no idea what comes after enlightenment.

@Aquarius yes, I feel like I would have wanted normal life if I was honest. But I then didn‘t realize what I was doing. I didn‘t know what I was getting myself into. I‘m in a place of no return.

[Leo Gura]

@deso Seriously consider the possibility that you do not know what enlightenment is, not even 1%.

It sounds to me like you got some basic personal development issues to deal with.

[bejapuskas]

@deso  You for sure are in a place of no return, but isn't it thrilling, like in a good way kinda? You can deeply sense that this is not all that there is to life, it would be too boring to be true.

You will become a completely different person, you will certainly loose interest in many things, sometimes you might feel very lonely, crazy, or even mentally ill, all of that is most likely gonna happen to you on the path. But don't worry, you are still a perfect, beautiful and lovable  

I don't know how old you are, but ego games will come your way, have no doubts about that, I know you  You are able to do whatever you want, experience life as it unfolds. Whatever happens, accept it, You Are Good. <3

[deso]

@Leo Gura Can you elaborate on that?

I’m pretty sure I do, and at the same time I see that I don’t know anything at all. Am I still pretending to know something or to have some kind of control? Absolutely.

To me it feels like I have already seen too much to go full ignorance again. When I have seen the simplicity of ‘getting’ there, when I have seen the light and that who I thought I am isn’t all that true after all, many interests suddenly just dropped away. All the ego games I’ve played don’t have anything to them anymore. All the distractions don’t have anything to them anymore. It feels like I’m still living in this old reality, but having seen it not to be true. Which feels pretty depressing.

And yes, there are also still some personal development issues left.

[GrowthPilgrim]

@deso A mind, once transformed, can never go back to its original state. You opened pandora's box, and you most definitely cannot go back! Now, of course, I do know very little about you and I also do not know anything about OCD and depression. But I know that you are very young and I know that it is way more likely (actually with close to 100% certainty) that you reached a dead end in the maze of life; not the actual "end" you were looking for. In fact, most probably your actual journey did not even start: you don't seem to know who you are, you don't seem to accept yourself, you are clearly not happy with your life and you don't have a life purpose. These things are the foundation to even kick off your growth pilgrimage. And it seems you lack these very basics of life. Thus, your problem should not be fear of becoming a totally different person, but to actually find out who you really are (let alone concern yourself with advanced stuff like enlightenment)

I have to be straight with you: there will be a lot more pain and suffering. You are scared of what is to come when actually you should be happy that you opened the box since now you have no choice but to grow. Accept it. Embrace it. In a couple of years, you will look back at this time of your life and know that it was the most important phase of shaping your character and personality you ever did in your life. So reframe all this pain as "growing pain". It is a necessary and unavoidable part of life. This is your "midlife-crisis" right at the beginning of your life. You are lucky, you won't have it in 20 years!

[deso]

@GrowthPilgrim it feels like I can‘t live without the truth anymore.

And this is where a lot of fear also comes from, I don‘t really know who I am, I have almost no self acceptance and I‘m hugely unhappy. There‘s so many thoughts about how enlightenment will work out with all those uncertainties in my life. Even though it‘s only fear and I‘m pretty sure it will all be fine.

So many thoughts about what happens when non resistance takes place. So many things I want to hold onto, even though I know there is nothing to hold onto.

[Leo Gura]

18 hours ago, deso said:

@Leo Gura Can you elaborate on that?

I’m pretty sure I do, and at the same time I see that I don’t know anything at all. Am I still pretending to know something or to have some kind of control? Absolutely.

To me it feels like I have already seen too much to go full ignorance again. When I have seen the simplicity of ‘getting’ there, when I have seen the light and that who I thought I am isn’t all that true after all, many interests suddenly just dropped away. All the ego games I’ve played don’t have anything to them anymore. All the distractions don’t have anything to them anymore. It feels like I’m still living in this old reality, but having seen it not to be true. Which feels pretty depressing.

You simply aren't Awake. Not even 1%. So I don't know what game you're playing but it doesn't fool me.

I would empty your cup and start doing the work. You have not even begun and you're already claiming you're done.

It's okay, though. I totally understand. It's common trap. No need to feel bad about it. Just get to earnest work.

[electroBeam]

12 minutes ago, Leo Gura said:

You simply aren't Awake. Not even 1%. So I don't know what game you're playing but it doesn't fool me.

Don't know why, but that made me laugh way too much. There's something really funny with the ego playing games, and thinking its being real when it isnt.

 

[Applegarden]

Just now, Leo Gura said:

You simply aren't Awake. Not even 1%. So I don't know what game you're playing but it doesn't fool me.

I would empty your cup and start doing the work. You have not even begun and you're already claiming you're done.

It's okay, though. I totally understand. It's common trap. No need to feel bad about it. Just get to earnest work.

I second that, you can be doing whatever and tricking yourself into thinking you know, because alot of time has passed or you were identifying with that for long enough. That reminds me of older people saying they are smart and you are stupid, because they are older than you, and while that maybe it is true, they use it as excuse to do be ignoranat and not take responsibilites about other areas of their life where they never took it and they do the same stupid mundane shit, knowing absolutely well this behaviour is not serving them, meanwhile in some areas like emotional intelligence you have outgrew them by a large extent just by establishing new knowledge, principles and responsibilities and refining that same knowledge.

Anyhow i don't know your story, but i know mine, i know that my perception and underestanding keeps dying. Minds have to keep dying, even if you feel you are in the best space. The process leads to it, not any one goal imo. But its just an opinion.

Good luck!

[bejapuskas]

44 minutes ago, electroBeam said:

Don't know why, but that made me laugh way too much. There's something really funny with the ego playing games, and thinking its being real when it isnt.

@electroBeam  Name one thing that you are not  

[deso]

3 hours ago, Leo Gura said:

You simply aren't Awake. Not even 1%. So I don't know what game you're playing but it doesn't fool me.

I would empty your cup and start doing the work. You have not even begun and you're already claiming you're done.

It's okay, though. I totally understand. It's common trap. No need to feel bad about it. Just get to earnest work.

I never said that I am enlightened. I’m not enlightened. I only said that I have seen too much for life being fun without it. I think Osho referred to it as ‘the point of no return’, which seems pretty accurate. I know how to ‘get there’, I understand it on a cognitive level, I understand it in my heart, but I’m not there yet.

It feels like I can’t live without it anymore. But it also feels like enlightenment isn’t really what I want. I’m just conflicted and desperate.

Edited March 27, 2020 by deso

[electroBeam]

forget the labels, have the courage and balls to follow your bliss!

[Leo Gura]

@deso Basic self-improvement work for you.

[deso]

2 hours ago, electroBeam said:

forget the labels, have the courage and balls to follow your bliss!

Thank you.

[electroBeam]

7 minutes ago, deso said:

Thank you.

[Sizeable Oof]

@deso

I can sympathize with you, I also used to be an over-thinker analytical type and a lot of my interest in spirituality was the will to feel superior to others. I was unaware of this of course, most of the time.

I would advice you (and my young self, and also my current self) to embrace partiality and imperfectness. You can find growth and happiness, but ultimately, not in words and labels, not in concepts. I know how you feel b/c this is also my basic tendency: looking for either a quick fix, "god mode", cheat codes, a way to go around the maze...

After enough suffering I learned - you don't get to do it. You have to go through the maze of being a HUMAN. an imperfect human with all your weaknesses and flaws and neurosis and vulnerability. The way one finds spiritual growth is not by running away from the human nature.

Focus on your everyday life. Be Gentle And Honest with yourself about your feelings. i.e,. yes, look inside and listen to your deep feelings, but do it gently with compassion.

Also I recommend researching the availability one has to surrender at each moment; mindfulness of breath combined with relaxation and surrendering, and the concept of "right view" - clear, discerning observation.

It's a paradoxical path...But the breath is always a good anchor to come back to.

Much love brother.