I hate my mother

[28 cm unbuffed]

Hey guys. I feel like I discovered something deep about myself, like a root of a lot of my life problems.

As title says - I really hate my mother. She was an authoritarian figure, really narcissistic and I lived most of my life to subconsciously meet her needs.

But it's deeper than that. This article summaries this perfectly: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rethinking-mental-health/201801/i-hate-my-mother

 

After years of killing myself, trying to prove something, I realised, it was all not me, it was just to fullfill my mother's dream about me.

How do I go about it now? How to find myself again, create new life purpose? My last one, done with Leo's course was all bullshit, it wasn't me.

I am working on independce in all of my life areas, I think that is the first step to cut the bound. There was this strange thing my whole life that was keeping me and my thoughts in cage basically, something like stage blue dogmatism. I had no idea, what do I want, what I can and can't do. I need help.

PS. I also feel like, a lot of things that I've done in my life, was just to "show her that she was wrong". And a lot of my beliefs are created around "not matching her", like - she is really down to earth person, so fuck her, I'm not going to be like her. That is why I am broke, have no girlfrind etc, you got it.

Edited March 26, 2020 by 28 cm unbuffed

[Raphael]

10 hours ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

As title says - I really hate my mother. She was an authoritarian figure, really narcissistic and I lived most of my life to subconsciously meet her needs.

I had the same experience with my dad and he's still authoritarian, narcissistic and very egoistical.

The best thing to do (and this is very counter-intuitive) is to accept her and love her.

If you hate her, you will feel hate, and hate is not a pleasant emotion. If you love her, you will feel love, which is a far more pleasant emotion. It's as simple as it is in theory, but very difficult in practice.

Start doing this as soon as possible and your life will transform. In my case, I was very resistant and so hateful towards my dad that I started to get panic attacks and was unable to sleep at night. This is when I learned to love myself and accept him because otherwise all this hate would kill me.

You might also need to distance yourself in the beginning in order to be able to start to accept her, so try to cut contact with her for at least 6 months and take this time to practice acceptance and to introspect.

 

[Chumbimba]

1st: This is in the wrong thread it needs to be moved to the Self-Actualization thread or Relationships

2nd: I had the same problem with my mom. As hard as it may be, You need to let her know how you feel about her. Not for her but for you. Tell her how you really feel about her and don't apologize for it. Don't try to be the son she always wanted and try to soften the blow because that is lying and that in the long run will fuck up your life. Tell her how you feel, how much she hurt you, all the pain she has put you through. Even if she denies it, discounts it or tries to rationalize it away. Only YOU know how you feel about her. If she tries to guilt trip you and tell you that "I am your mother and it's wrong to feel this way and You're a terrible son". Remember that is a projection of her wounded ego and no way the Truth. She has to face what she has put you through and her devilish behavior. Your job is to express to her how you feel. Cutting her off is only running from the problem. Trust me I have tried multiple times with my own mother. The wounds are still there no matter how much you distance yourself. 

FACE THIS SHIT HEAD ON !! and in the end if it's best y'all go your separate ways and she is really that toxic then do so, but not without facing this demon. 

Lastly: Take responsibility. Remember your mom really gave you this gift called life. It is really a gift that we all take for granted but without her you wouldn't be here. That doesn't mean you can't hate her and that doesn't mean you should always respect your parents. NO ! Your feelings are completely valid. But you must also watch your projections and your perspective of your mom. Your mind has a tendency to inflate how terrible your relationship is with her and negate some of the amazing memories and moments you have shared together.  Don't blame your lack of results on your mom. That is a trap to keep you stuck. You need to take 100% responsibility. Go get a girlfriend, go make more money. I am probably the biggest victim on this forum if you look at my post, but everyday I am working on taking more responsibility so I know where you are coming from. 

I been through this all my life and am still dealing with it, I am by no means perfect. Just wanted to give you my perspective  

[28 cm unbuffed]

1 hour ago, Chumbimba said:

I am probably the biggest victim on this forum if you look at my post, but everyday I am working on taking more responsibility so I know where you are coming from. 

Saying thing like that makes you a beast in my eyes man. Having courage to say something like that is fucking awesome, this level of honesty is really rare nowadays.

I will confront her, for sure. I was always losing a battle with her at some point, because, when I got angry at her and started yelling, she was always hanging up. I think I am on a level of emotional maturity, when I can confront her and tell her all of these things without getting mad now.

About self-acceptance - this is really powerful topic, it is like connecting to your heart chakra and entering stage green in my opinion. You feel self-worth at such a high level, that you do not NEED anything, you just start to BE and do everything from passion, inspiration, not from fear, ego and desperation.

Thank you for your advices guys. Cheers!

[universe]

19 hours ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

I'm not going to be like her. That is why I am broke, have no girlfrind etc, you got it.

That last sentence cought my attention.

Are you serious?

I mean either you are really serious about not becoming like her, in a very hardcore way

or you are blaming her for your situation.

 

Either way, its good to get the power back. You are responsible for everything happening in your life right now. You can choose to be however you want. You spend probably quite some decades focusing on your mother. Thats enough now. Make the next decades about you. You are a wonderful person and you are here to share the most powerful gift there is in the world: love. Start with loving yourself and then conquer the world.

[28 cm unbuffed]

@universe

It's not like, I did all of it, just to show her, that I am better, that she is wrong or anything. There's a lot of subconciouss stuff, like - I had no father, so I felt this need to take care of my mother and do everything she wants me to. Because, I'm just a little child, what do I know, right? 

It took me years to unwire this shit. 

And yeah, I feel like I'm getting my power back finally, like this is the moment, when I'm starting to live for myself and on my own terms.

Btw. What do you guys think about Leo? I really empathise with him and he sounds like me, just about 3 months ago.

His last "awekening video" was all about god complex, integrating the "inner psychopath", that we all have and it's something I went through myself. And now this "wanting to become the best, killing myself in a process" thing, being a victim of my mother, even if she's not around. I feel like Leo healing right now is just the same as mine, realizing what was his real drive, to fullfill his mother's pipe dream, about the perfect, genius son. 

When he spoke about his mother I felt like listening to my own life story, for real.

 

Edited March 30, 2020 by 28 cm unbuffed

[Raptorsin7]

@28 cm unbuffed When we see the world through the eyes of understanding we see that we are everyone. 

Great insight about leo 

[docs20]

1 hour ago, 28 cm unbuffed said:

@universe

It's not like, I did all of it, just to show her, that I am better, that she is wrong or anything. There's a lot of subconciouss stuff, like - I had no father, so I felt this need to take care of my mother and do everything she wants me to. Because, I'm just a little child, what do I know, right? 

It took me years to unwire this shit. 

And yeah, I feel like I'm getting my power back finally, like this is the moment, when I'm starting to live for myself and on my own terms.

Btw. What do you guys think about Leo? I really empathise with him and he sounds like me, just about 3 months ago.

His last "awekening video" was all about god complex, integrating the "inner psychopath", that we all have and it's something I went through myself. And now this "wanting to become the best, killing myself in a process" thing, being a victim of my mother, even if she's not around. I feel like Leo healing right now is just the same as mine, realizing what was his real drive, to fullfill his mother's pipe dream, about the perfect, genius son. 

When he spoke about his mother I felt like listening to my own life story, for real.

 

In what video does he talk about all this stuff about his mother?

[Chumbimba]

@docs20 His LPC marketing video 

[Commodent]

It's a good thing to stay true to oneself. That's the first step in processing it.

Now you feel like being independent, and who knows, maybe you one day feel like reconciliating once you've fully established your power.

God bless.

[28 cm unbuffed]

@docs20 

Don't remember which video, but I remember his forum post, where he wrote "my mother is so disconnected and unfulfilled artist, that she doesn't give a fuck about my work at all, so i cut off contact with her", or something like that. It's exactly my mother too - she has unfullfilled fantasies about her life, so she just transfer her frustrations about herself into me (and I think Leo too had the same issue with his mother).

He also "mentioned" that he hates his mother, using words like "she is just one of the infinite faces of Buddha, so I don't really give a damn if she dies tommorow". 

So yeah, it might be just god complex and Bojack Horseman's history irl, waiting for his new video.

He either really is the biggest genius ever alive, who found something beyond enlightenment and became god himself or he lost his mind completely, we'll see. I'm hyped af.

Edited April 1, 2020 by 28 cm unbuffed