Realizing that I've been holding myself back.

[Swagala]

For the last couple years, I've slowly but surely been convincing myself that I don't have time. Maybe I've just been isolated and in my head for so long that I've lost track of time. I've forgotten how much time there really is to experience life. I've had these ideas and desires as to some of the things that I would want to experience in life but because I've believed that there's just not enough time, I've been suppressing these desires. Almost everyday has been either actualizing what I want NOW or to just give up on it entirely. I'm not proud to admit it but it seems like I've been using spirituality to be okay with the belief that I can't do the things that I want to and can't experience the things that I want to experience. I've been using spirituality to be okay in the Now because I've come to believe that it's the only thing that I can have or achieve. I'm not saying spirituality is an escape but that I've been using it to suppress enjoying life because I've totally believed that I'm not allowed to experience and enjoy life. And that shit has been giving me HORRIBLE HORRIBLE self-esteem issues. 

I'm pretty sure all the anxiety and uncertainty that I had back when I had to be an "adult" played a huge role in the fact that I've been feeling rushed, like I don't have enough time, these last couple of years.

Realizing this almost had me crying from the release of this burden or mentality.

[crab12]

On 3/26/2020 at 5:29 AM, Swagala said:

I've had these ideas and desires as to some of the things that I would want to experience in life but because I've believed that there's just not enough time, I've been suppressing these desires.

Everything takes sooo much time. Not having enough time is a very real problem.

On 3/26/2020 at 5:29 AM, Swagala said:

I've been using spirituality to be okay with the belief that I can't do the things that I want to and can't experience the things that I want

Spiritual teachers say things like "you don't need anything to be happy" and "just be in the present moment". This combined with your personal experience of not getting what you want out of life because there's not enough time. I mean it totally seems like the logical conclusion to draw here is that one should use spirituality to give up on your desires and be okay with never getting what you want out of life. Certainly many spiritual teachers lead their students astray like this.

Spirituality is all about getting rid of your illusions and getting closer to reality. Which also means removing your mental inhibition and expressing yourself authentically. And a big part of expressing yourself authentically is creating the things that you want to create in the external world, so to speak. Right now you are using spirituality to inhibit yourself and therefore distancing yourself from reality and authenticity.

On 3/26/2020 at 5:29 AM, Swagala said:

And that shit has been giving me HORRIBLE HORRIBLE self-esteem issues.

That part of you knows that you are wasting your life energy. No amount of meditation or "surrendering" or self-talk or whatever spiritual practice is going to make it any better, because that part of you is not stupid, it can literally see you sitting on your ass not doing what you are supposed to do. That part of you wants you to start taking action, start doing things, making shit happen.

Anyway, to move forward you need to see that you do have enough time to do what you want and that it's possible. But me just saying that here isn't going to convince you. Can you bring some specifics about your goals and why do you think there's not enough time?

[Nahm]

@Swagala

Might sound like a broken record, but, dreamboard...? It can be a life changing thing to do. From the sessions I do, I have found that the best candidates, in regards to how significant and sudden the change in happiness & living of life goes, are those who are pretty much literally in the ‘place’ you describe. It’s an amazing and very transformative thing to do...experiencing the knowing of everything you don’t want, becoming the vision, and more importantly, the very inspiration of and for, everything you do want. I often find this is a self esteem game changer too. When we’re not living on purpose, there tends to be certain feeling about those who are, which we internalize about how we are not. It’s not ‘hard’...it’s one day at a time, like anything, but you might be amazed to find reality is indeed unconditional, and you’ve been creating all along. Love and healing to you man. ♥️??