The Journal of a Traveler Searching for the Ox - Part 1 - Becoming a Bulldog

[Seeker_of_truth]

Part 1 - Becoming a Bulldog

To become capable of locking and chasing its targets (a.k.a. Goals)

 

Why Am I Here:

On the new year of 2020, I casually reviewed what I did in 2019, tried to see if I did something worthwhile. I tried to list whatever I could, in the end I couldn't list one thing which I was truly proud of. There were small wins but nothing really exciting or big. And I realized it wasn't just that year, my whole life I've been mediocre. I haven't really put in the hard work. So the results I get in my life are just mediocre and mediocrity isn't satisfying when looking back. It isn't even fully satisfying in the moment. There is this feeling in the background that I'm disappointed with myself for not living life 100%. Its there when I'm procrastinating stuff and telling myself, just this one day I'll watch movies and shit. And once I get into that rut, its  not easy and comfortable to get back up again. I decided that this year will be the year, that I do something that I'm proud of. This year I'll live my life to 100%.

So I decided to set goals for every month and every week. I started this around the 4th week of January. I set goals that were quite in my reach if I was determined, and I achieved at least 50% of my goals. This system worked quite well for 3 weeks, i.e. 2nd week of February. 3rd week of February was the start of something I didn't expect. All my plans were thrown out of the window. Things I didn't expect came into my life, my life became chaotic. I'm a guy who prefers order. I managed it for one week. The next week it just became worse. I couldn't accomplish one goal that I set for that week. March, my routine fell into order again, I started again to work back. Did quite well the first two weeks. The third week, I had to move to my home with my parents due to the covid19 outbreak in my country. That put me off my routine and all the things that I've been accustomed with. And now here I am in the 4th week of march. I basically wasted 1 week and fell into all the old shitty patterns I used to have when I lived here. It feels tormenting to do the work now. I've to get myself back again.

I thought maybe if I commit to what I'm going to do in public, I'll be motivated to do the work. So here I am.

About me and About this Journal:

About me, I'm currently a student who is about to graduate from college soon. My most important aspiration right now is to get a good job. So most of the work I do everyday (at least right now) will be related to developing my skills. Apart from that, I meditate once a day. Occasionally read non-fiction books (which I enjoy). Exercise once in a while. If you take the analogy of the ten ox herding pictures of zen, I think I'm at the second stage. I have a long way to go spiritually but I've to start by taking care of my immediate survival first and I think this will be a good time for me to learn how to be disciplined and productive.

This journal as of now will serve as place for me to publicly list my goals and update the progress I make. I'm hoping that making myself accountable publicly will help to move my lazy ass to do the fucking work. So what I'll be posting are my goals, progress, insights, struggles, etc. 

I commit to writing at least one post every week. I'll maybe update the progress during the week. But you are sure to get at least one post per week here. (I'm kinda already scared right now if I'll keep this up ?, I'll give my 100% to follow through, even on difficult times when I'm not doing well ?)

 

Thank you for reading, any comments are much appreciated.

 

 

 

[Seeker_of_truth]

3-Month Wide Big-Picture - Aspirations & Goals

I've about 3 months to prepare myself for my job interviews (Assuming that covid19 or anything isn't going to affect it).

So at the end of the 3 months my aspiration is to get a good job. For that I need to become comfortable solving medium level coding questions and have some good projects deployed live [ I'm a computer science engineering student ].

Given that aspiration here are my goals for the 3 month long period of April, May, June:

Normal Goals:

• Solve 180 coding questions
• Finish the remote code execution API that I've started and hook it up with a decent front end interface
• Do decently well in the coming semester examination

Google goals:

• Do 1 good visual coding project (Maybe an AI Chess Engine)
• Solve 50 hard coding questions (Become a pro ?)

 

Given these goals are starting from April, I'm going to cheat a bit and start now  (i.e. 1 week before)

So here are my goals for the current week (i.e. 24th March, Tuesday - 29th March, Sunday)

   Normal Goals:
    • 15 coding questions
    • Study cryptographic hashing functions
    • Study AI FOL
    • Finish Python unit 2
    • Study Software Engineering for 2 pomodoros
    
    Google Goals:
    • Finish python unit 3
    • Solve 1 hard question
    • Study Software Engineering for 8 pomodoros
    • Study Compiler engineering - Data flow analysis
 

 

If you are wondering what Google Goals means, I've listened in some Mindvalley seminar that in Google, they set their goals in such a way that 50% of the goals have a 50% chance of failure. So all the things I've listed down in google goals are extra stuff that I won't mind if I failed in them. To be honest, I think I'm going easy on myself this week. But given how lazy I've been for the past week, I think its safe to assume that I've a 50% chance of failure to accomplish the tasks I've listed in the google goals.

I guess that's it for today, I'll get going and start the work now

 

And again, any comments are much appreciated. Thank you for reading.

[Seeker_of_truth]

24/03/20, Tuesday

✅ Meditation (After not doing it for almost a week, today I was excited to do it, thanks to this journal)

✅ 3 Coding Questions (Took longer than expected to completed it)

❌ No porn/masturbation

❌ Workout/Exercise 

[Seeker_of_truth]

25/03/20 Wednesday

I was very tired the whole day due to lack of proper sleep.  

✅ Meditation

✅ 3 Coding Questions

Easy ones to just get done with it. Didn't have the mental energy to solve some difficult ones.

✅ Exercise

Not much exercise, but still I'd count it. From today (26/03) I'm planning to replace the high intensity interval training that I normally do with some lighter forms of exercise like qigong, as I heard that HIIT causes inflammation in the body which is not desirable given the current coronavirus situation.

✅ No porn/masturbation

Felt like a lucrative escape from boredom which I why I've been indulging a lot in it for the past days, this day decided that I don't care if I'm bored I'll not watch porn.

❌ Study cryptographic Hashing Functions

I planned to do this but was too tired mentally and the 25 minutes I forced myself to do it was hell.

 

Today (26th March, Thursday), I got a pretty good sleep, so I think today I can get some work done..

[Seeker_of_truth]

26/03/20, Thursday

✅ Meditation (Couldn't concentrate well, too much thoughts, I think I need to stop watching too much TV)

✅ Mild exercise

✅ No porn

✅ 3 coding questions

✅ Studied cryptographic hashing functions

❌ Behind schedule on finishing to study topics in AI, Python and Software Engineering

 

Realized that my life has become kinda life-less after quarantine. There had been nothing really exciting that I had been doing. So I decided today (27th) I'll do something exciting.

[Seeker_of_truth]

27/03/20, Friday

Okay yesterday went great and at the same time not so great. I thought building the AI chess engine that I wanted to build for a long time would be exciting. The problem was I got so excited by it that I didn't do anything by my plan. I was coding the chess engine from morning to night, got the basic functionality right but its slow as hell and I've been trying to optimize it for hours. I guess yesterday was the first day in my quarantine that I actually enjoyed. Projects like these are what have kept me going I guess. When I'm out of touch with the feeling of working on exciting projects like these, coding just becomes dreary and monotonous and makes me wonder why the fuck am I still doing it.

✅ Meditation

✅ Coding project

✅ No porn/masturbation

❌ Exercise

❌ 3 coding questions

❌ Behind schedule on finishing topics to study

 

The plan for today (28th) is that I'll allow myself to work on the chess engine only after I've finished studying the topics I've earlier planned to.

Doing something exciting was not a bad choice at all, I feel really good now.

[Seeker_of_truth]

28/03/2020

Yesterday was a disaster. 

✅ Studied FOL topic in AI

❌ 3 coding questions

❌ No fap

❌ Meditation

❌ Behind schedule on topics to study

❌ Exercise

 

It's okay, not the first time I failed to follow my goals so miserably. Today is the last day of the week. I want to finish it strong. Let me start the day with some exercise and meditation. I used to have a habit wherein I meditated the first thing after bathing. After coming to home for the quarantine, much of my normal everyday routine has been gone. So I've to start again and form some good habits. Wake up -> Plan the day -> Exercise -> Bath -> Meditate -> Breakfast/Brunch. 

It has always been an emotionally difficult task to solve 3 coding questions (because I'm not very good at it), to get myself to meditate when I don't have a meditation habit and the most difficult is to study shit for college. I think I need to change my perspective towards it and remind myself of it regularly.

Solving 3 coding questions is sharpening the saw. And I have the opportunity now to do it, and whether to do it or not is a choice that I have in this moment.

To study is to gain knowledge about various fields. Its an opportunity that I have right now and whether to do it or not is a choice that I can make in this moment.

To meditate is like applying a lubricant. Among this chaos, it is a great privilege that I have the opportunity to do it. But to do it or not is a choice that I have in this moment.

To fap or not is again a choice that I have in this moment. The urge to fap is an indication that either my sexual needs need to be satisfied or that I'm not happy with something in my life and I'm seeking an escape through the short-term high of fapping. To do what from that knowledge, is a choice that I have in this moment. 

 

Today I want to finish studying what I planned to which I'm currently behind schedule for completing - python unit 2 and software engineering for 2 pomodoros. After that I have 9 coding questions to solve (including yesterday and day before yesterday's planned work) and I'll keep solving it till I either solve all 9 or I'm mentally exhausted and can't solve anymore. Solving 3 was hard work, this will be a test for my emotional resilience.

 

 

 

[Seeker_of_truth]

29/03/20

✅ Exercise

✅ Meditation

✅ No porn/masturbation

✅ Python unit 2

✅ Studied Software Engineering for 2 pomodoros

✅ 3 coding questions

 

Overall Week's Review:

✅ 12/15 coding questions solved
✅ Study cryptographic hashing functions
✅ Study AI FOL
✅ Finish Python unit 2
✅ Study Software Engineering for 2 pomodoros

❌ Finish python unit 3
✅ Solve 1 hard question
❌ Study Software Engineering for 8 pomodoros
❌ Study Compiler engineering - Data flow analysis

Bonus: ✅ Started development of a Chess Engine

I think it went quite well. Was still a bit lazy but I think its not a bad start.

 

This Week's Goals:

• 21 Coding questions
• Transport Level Security
• Message Authentication Codes
• Digital Signatures
• Python Class & Advanced Class topics
• Python Exception Handling
• Django Basics
• UI Design
• Optimize the chess engine

 

Edited March 30, 2020 by Seeker_of_truth

[SilentTears]

 nice work getting productive and trying to live a self-fulfilled life. 

There may be a lot of distractions, however just take it slowly and build positive habits. You should be fine and should notice a change when committed to enjoying your life. Care about how you feel, truly.

Anyway, you seem to be doing well, thanks for sharing. 

Instead of watching Tv try watching some Abraham Hicks. She makes things interesting so you won’t get bored and it will be a positive substitute for TV. Have fun and follow your heart/intuition! 

[Seeker_of_truth]

10 hours ago, SilentTears said:

 nice work getting productive and trying to live a self-fulfilled life. 

There may be a lot of distractions, however just take it slowly and build positive habits. You should be fine and should notice a change when committed to enjoying your life. Care about how you feel, truly.

Anyway, you seem to be doing well, thanks for sharing. 

Instead of watching Tv try watching some Abraham Hicks. She makes things interesting so you won’t get bored and it will be a positive substitute for TV. Have fun and follow your heart/intuition! 

? Thanks for the suggestions.

[Seeker_of_truth]

30/03/20

✅ Exercise

✅ Meditation

✅ No porn/masturbation

✅ 3 coding questions

- Started to study transport level security but didn't finish it.

 

I stopped watching TV but substituted it with youtube, though I the time I spend in youtube is less compared to the time I spend watching TV, still I watch some stuff that's junk and I need to stop that. I've been indulging much in activity and very less in being/stillness which is probably why I'm seeking relaxation through youtube/tv which is counterproductive as it fills my mind with junk causing it to produce junk. So from today (31st March) I'm planning to meditate twice a day and practice mindfulness in the meantime.

[Seeker_of_truth]

✅ Exercise

✅ 2x Meditation

✅ No porn/masturbation

✅ Transport Level Security

✅ 3 coding questions

[Seeker_of_truth]

I need to reevaluate on what tasks that I spend each day. Rather than doing a little bit of everything, I think I should try to give all my attention to one kind of task per day. And I seriously need to meditate more and be more mindful, I'm not satisfied with my current meditation as I get easily distracted by thoughts and my attention gets sucked into it.

 

Today I'll be spending my time on optimizing the chess engine (Thought I have other things to do, I can't stop thinking about this, I'd rather get done with it). I also need to exercise a bit and I've already meditated once today now, again in the evening I'll meditate once more. If I get some free time in between, I'll be meditating then too.

Yesterday's checklist

✅ Try to optimize the chess engine

✅ 1x Meditation

❌ 2x Meditation

✅ No porn/masturbation

❌ Exercise

 

Edited April 2, 2020 by Seeker_of_truth

[Seeker_of_truth]

Today also I'll be optimizing the chess engine, because I couldn't get much done yesterday (Most of the time went in configuring the development environment).

Yesterday's Checklist

✅ Try to optimize the chess engine

✅ 2x Meditation

✅ No porn/masturbation

❌ Exercise

[Seeker_of_truth]

Yesterday's Checklist

✅ Optimize the chess engine

✅ 1x Meditation

❌ 2x Meditation

✅ No porn/masturbation

❌ Exercise

 

Posting this got delayed today as I finally finished a decent version of the chess engine and was trying to deploy it, make some changes, etc. I'm satisfied with it and from tomorrow I can do some other work without any regret.

[silene]

I'm impressed by how you do a daily to-do list and then review it to see your progress, and this builds into plans for weekly, monthly and longer term.  Maybe it'll help encourage you if  a few of us check in and follow your progress. I am trying to learn a little bit of Python (as a hobby) so it's good to connect with others doing it professionally.  What sort of meditation are you doing, are you into Zen ( going by your journal title) - or feel free to tell me to back off if I'm getting too nosy  

[Seeker_of_truth]

Yesterday's Checklist

✅ Work on the chess engine

✅ 1x Meditation

❌ 2x Meditation

✅ No porn/masturbation

❌ Exercise

 

Today I'm feeling not so-well. For a few days all that I've been doing is coding and coding the chess engine. Almost all my waking hours was consumed by that. Now that I feel I'm done with the chess engine, I don't want to go back to my normal life where I do stuff that's mentally hard, emotionally hard, something I don't care for too much. I just finished my first meditation for the day (at this time of the day (evening) according to my plan I'm supposed to meditate for the second time actually) and I feel so uneasy in my body. So many places in my body, I feel like some energy is shaking inside a bubble ready to explode. There is an online programming workshop that needs to be conducted soon by a club I'm a part of. Initially I didn't want to be the one who is doing the teaching. Today I just seriously entertained the thought of doing it. I've not informed my club members about it. No one has come forward to take that role yet, and if I don't someone will, so that's not an issue. But thinking about taking a 4 hour long workshop just made me anxious. The only workshop I've taken was where I spoke for about 30 mins. This will be something where I'll be the only person who'll ever speak. That made me anxious and I think that's why I feel so fidgety in my body. And really I've been in quarantine for 3 weeks and I've never taken time seriously for my spiritual development. I do meditation almost everyday but its just for about 15 minutes (30 if I do it twice) and its not really of a great quality. And I'm not the kind of person who is productive every second of the day. And I think that's probably my ego trying to retain homeostasis. The kind of person I am (the self-image I'm attached to) is one who indulges in self-actualization activities like watching a self-help video, meditating, reading self-development books etc. And I've defied that for nearly 3 weeks (actually more but intermittently). I really crave that now. I don't know if I should give in to it.... I mean what I'm doing right now is also self-improvement, the only thing is that this is fucking hard and doesn't feel good at all. My mind is not at peace. Given the fucked up state of my mind, I'm going to take a break of one day where I indulge in my old definition of self-development activities and try to fix myself. I don't want to go too hard and experience an ego backlash or something worse. So from now till tomorrow, I'm not gonna do anything that is not related to meditating. I'm going to do a mini solo meditation retreat kind of stuff. Let's see how this goes...

 

17 hours ago, silene said:

I'm impressed by how you do a daily to-do list and then review it to see your progress, and this builds into plans for weekly, monthly and longer term.  Maybe it'll help encourage you if  a few of us check in and follow your progress. I am trying to learn a little bit of Python (as a hobby) so it's good to connect with others doing it professionally.  What sort of meditation are you doing, are you into Zen ( going by your journal title) - or feel free to tell me to back off if I'm getting too nosy  

Yes, I plan long term first then break it up to what I should do for the day. So if I complete A, B, C and D today that means I'm on the right path. This idea is borrowed from a guy I follow named John Sonmez. He is an ex-software developer. All this productivity stuff I'm doing right now, most of the ideas are borrowed from him. So if you are impressed by this, you'd find his stuff interesting too...

Yes it'd help if some of you guys check in and follow my progress, that's the reason I started this journal. I was doing the same thing without a journal but I started it because I believe this will let me journal regularly which helps me to think properly and not let me not make decisions based on just trying to feeling good.

 

By the way, I'm not a professional programmer yet . Anyway, good to see a programming enthusiast here  

 

I do Isha Kriya. I've tried various meditations and I got some results only when I did Isha Kriya (Maybe because this was the only meditation method that I did continuously 2x a day without a break for about a month). Over the years I found that whenever I stopped doing Isha Kriya, I get some sickness that doesn't go away easily. I'm not very immune and I easily catch cold and stuff. But I find that whenever I'm continuously doing Isha Kriya, I don't get very sick, even if do get sick, it resolves soon. That's the only reason I make myself do it everyday. Probably as Leo says, this is just my higher self making me go on this path lol, I dunno. I would definitely do zen meditation methods, just that I don't think pursuing enlightenment is the most important thing right now even though I'd love to (Enlightenment is the long-long-term goal, this stuff I'm doing right now is one step to take to enable me to reach it). So I'm sticking to a meditation that works for now and doesn't take a lot of time from my day.

Edited April 5, 2020 by Seeker_of_truth

[Seeker_of_truth]

I'm back after taking a break of two days. This week I'm planning to direct my focus more on studying than coding. I think I also need to change many of my long term goals.

Last Week's Checklist

I spent a most of the time on optimizing the chess engine that I had no time for the rest of stuff.

❌ 9/21 Coding questions

✅ Transport Level Security

❌ Message Authentication Codes

❌ Digital Signatures

✅ Python Class

❌ Python Advanced Class topics

❌ Python Exception Handling

❌ Django Basics

❌ UI Design

✅ Optimize the chess engine

 

This Week's Goals:

Message Authentication Codes

Digital Signatures

Python Advanced Class topics

Python Exception Handling

Django Basics

UI Design

[Seeker_of_truth]

Yesterday's Checklist

I started reading Mark Manson's Everything is fucked A book about hope long ago and I found the information in it very relevant to my current situation. So I thought reading that book completely and using that knowledge would help me. So I spent the whole day to finish that book. Now what is remaining is to skim, take notes and compare it with notes from other similar books and understand something.

✅ 1x Meditation

❌ 2x Meditation

✅ No porn/masturbation

✅ Exercise

[Seeker_of_truth]

Yesterday's Checklist

✅ 1x Meditation

❌ 2x Meditation

✅ No porn/masturbation

✅ Exercise

 

Okay I've been lazy yesterday, time to get back on track. Today I'm planning to finish studying python advanced class topics. I still haven't finished compiling the notes of Mark Manson's book, so that's left too.