Focus Shion 1

[Preety_India]

 

Do yesterday I get this feeling that I am having everything under my control. That everything is going to work out and that I will do fine.. 

And then this morning when I woke up, I was feeling distressed again. 

The same feeling of Helplessness and hopelessness. 

The same feeling of giving up. 

I started to lose my grip. Have you ever felt this way? 

Like you are falling off and losing your grip on things again. 

That you are losing weight or gaining weight and suddenly you have no more control on your life. And your emotions are distracting you from any kind of growth and you feel stuck and you begin to lose your hair and you feel weak and tired but you are still not doing anything to fix it because you feel like you can't or you feel like you need more time to feel emotionally okay or adjusted. 

I have had this happen many times to me. During these times I'm trying to distract myself with some book or art or just being numb waiting for time to go by. 

. It's an odd feeling. An emptiness, a lack of motivation. 

A feeling like "what's the point of doing anything good any way because everything is all bad anyway"

This happens a lot to me. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

My weight tends to remain constant. Because I gain some weight and then the following weeks I lose the weight I gained. And then gain weight again. Then lose again. 

This constant ups and downs in my weight is very troublesome. 

My weight keeps fluctuating between 140 pounds and 130 pounds. It keeps flip flopping. 

Some days I'm 132 pounds. And then I'm back at 138 pounds. 

Then after a few weeks I'm back at 130 pounds. 

This cycle is not good for my health at all.. 

[Preety_India]

 

Even though today is a bad day and my emotions are in a knot, I still feel better because I have finally escaped the narcissistic abuse of my ex. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

A bold message to my ex 

You're a sociopath who used to feed on my softness and vulnerability. 

And thank God I finally left your mind games for good. 

You constantly kept telling me how awful it was for me to leave you. Ahhh!!!! The Gaslighting right there, so I shouldn't leave. 

If you feel upset because I dumped you, remember this.. 

It's victims who make the final decisions, not abusers. 

Abusers don't want the drama to end. Victims do. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 28, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

Today I was thinking about the different types of people that you came across during my morning meditation. 

And this insight came to me. 

Like how people come in different flavors all the time. 

Some people are funny, some are smart and some are superficial. 

Then there are those people who are real real, they never lose their realness no matter what and what they say is exactly what they mean. 

Such people leave an imprint, a mark on our lives. They are deep.. 

You can always appreciate and like the funny people but you can never deny the deep people who make big changes with their presence and greatness. 

You don't feel like you have to explain anything to these people, because they already know how you feel and deep down they care about you. You never have petty fights with them.. 

I've begun to appreciate such people. 

I got a quote in my mind that instantly connected to this philosophy and insight and this quote made perfect sense. I tried to imagine that those funny people were like sunshine whereas the deeper people were like storms. 

Even if sunshine makes you feel warm, the storms leave you with a lasting inspiration and influence 

I kinda fashioned a quote out of this thought. 

You can like the sunshine but you cannot stop the storm.. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 28, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

This song simulates my overall personality so much. It combines all the forms within me, the need to be by myself, the need to pull away, the feeling of being violated in some way. 

I see different aspects of my personality in this song being played out at different times. 

Like some places where I'm strict with who I am and some where I just don't care about anything at all. 

The entire theme of me switching from agression to softness, being this strong person in one minute and then being a vulnerable person in the next moment is so  well captured in the song. 

Also this need for me to be in an ethereal world where I don't feel judged anymore is artistically expressed in the song especially in the part where she moves her fingers and sits there not caring for anything but own self expression, a constant theme throughout my life and my personality. 

The song constantly brings out the me in me which is a pleasant surprise because I listen and watch so many songs every day but none of them had an impact on me or made me closer like this one. 

When I watch this song and the whole layout of the video, it instantly reminds me of me, in an artistic way, overlapping and combining different aspects of my personality into one whole. 

Also the rapid changes in frames throughout the song coincide perfectly with the rapid changes I experience in my thought process from time to time.. 

I've never been able to resonate with a music video this much before. I didn't even pay attention to most, but somehow this one captured the essence of my personality and it stood out the most for me. 

Who knew that I would find a music video and see  glimpses of my personality in it.. So unpredictable.

I usually do not philosophize much on the stuff I come across but this one needed a special mention because I relate so much to me. Been quite a long time since I was able to relate to a song. 

I don't listen to mainstream music as much as I used to before, something about it has turned me away, their need to get views and instant fame and money has really cheapened the music industry today. 

Right now enjoying this video and seeing myself in it. 

Feels like glory..... 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

I have no idea why I was feeling so happy and put together on April 16

There must have been some reason, possibly an odd one, but it escapes my mind. 

It's important to timestamp posts (which I always always forget) so I can keep a track of my emotional states in a more exact manner.. 

If I'm sad I really want to know the reason. 

If I'm happy I really want to know the reason. 

I have no memory of the reasons. I just know that I was feeling very happy that day. 

My memory is so messed up because of the relationship stress I suffered, I don't remember anything much at all these days. 

Hopefully my memory will reset itself and I won't have such a hard time again. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

I think the reason must have been that I felt free of all judgement. 

I don't know. 

I'll have to look through each and every post in all the journals to know for sure. This is a difficult task so I'll put it for later. 

When something gnaws at my mind, it just doesn't leave me 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Got it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Searched through all my posts quickly and found this one. This one was made exactly on April 16...

So here is the reason why I was so happy on that day. Because i created those exercises and talked a bit about self love. 

 

Hahhahahah

I knew it would be some odd reason. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Yea... Making that post was like a milestone moment for me. That was the first time ever that I even thought about self love in a more serious way. 

It instantly spearheaded or short-circuited my emotional healing. 

First time in my life I got a breakthrough after a lot of  tedious soul searching. 

A pat on my back.. Good job girl. ❤️

 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

In another journal I wrote about koyosta. 

I define it as a way of living in which you take full responsibility for yourself. 

You fight for things. You develop your own survival and protection skills instead of blaming and lamenting your situations and conditions. 

Instead of seeing something as a source of depression and frustration and fear and stress see it as a source of fight to gain survival and breakthrough. 

Every minor or major obstacle or depressing or stressing thing can be considered as breakthrough. You just have to either jump through it and tolerate without getting impacted or bypass it 

I'll call this the koyosta method. 

 

It also means positivity and empowerment. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 4, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

Visualization should also be a part of koyosta. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

On 4/25/2020 at 10:34 AM, Preety_India said:

 

 

 

On 4/25/2020 at 10:40 AM, Preety_India said:

 

Calendar markings imported from Brain Visions 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On 4/25/2020 at 11:02 AM, Preety_India said:

Implementation Days and No Social Contact Challenge.. 

April 25, 2020.

Day 69 of the Implementation Days. 

Day 83 of the No social contact challenge. 

 

April 2020.

There's a problem. I missed too many days of the Implementation Days almost a whole month because of the Coronavirus crazy situation. I completely lost track. 

However the no social contact challenge has worked well during the coronavirus. 

March 13 was the most horrible day of my life or at least one of the most. 

Since then I don't see any progress on my journal for a whole month.. This is also the time when the whole coronavirus thing started and my government announced a 21 day nationwide lockdown starting March 26.

March 13 to March 26 were excruciatingly painful 10 days, I hadn't slept for nearly 10 days because of extreme stress arising from my relationship trouble and I took a downturn, a full blow downturn into chaos, and I was suicidal and completely out of myself during this entire time and in the middle of it came the announcement that the coronavirus lockdown for which I was horribly ill prepared. 

That's when I starved for straight 10 days after which I suffered fainting and weakness and a host of symptoms. I was a mess by April 10..it was very tough. I started to use the forum to feel better. I was using the forum excessively during this time to escape my internal messed up state. I had lost faith in life. And that was a depressing period. 

But slowly the clouds have gone away.. The sun is coming up again. 

 

 

 

On 4/25/2020 at 11:27 AM, Preety_India said:

 

I'm trying to keep a Timeline in order to keep a track on my situation through the past whole month. 

So I created the thread on the Coronavirus on April 3. This must have been a very tough time for me because this was in the middle of the lockdown and I was physically drained and emotionally stressed out and missing many days of food or sleep.. 

 

 

My situation was very bad up until at least April 13. I starved many days during this period.. 

I had some relief from April 16 onwards. Let me check the date when I said I would be leaving the forum

. So the date of that thread/post is April 12/13. This was also the day I was too frustrated with my  circumstances because I hadn't had food in days and my apartment was barricaded and the residents weren't allowed to leave and there were riots on the streets.. 

Things weren't good on the forum either and I was really triggered by certain things(the shaming part got me) and I decided to leave for good. 

April 16 is when things started to look better because that was the first day I got the chance to buy groceries and meals once the lockdown was lifted on April 14..

So once my hunger situation was resolved I was beginning to feel some energy. 

Ok. So here we go.. Now it's April 25. Much much better than the past few days. I've stocked up enough groceries. 

And I'm also catching up emotionally. 

 

Things are looking good. 

 

At least for a while? 

 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

Today May 7, 2020. Thursday. 

Implementation Days and No Social Contact Challenge.. 

May 7

Day 81 of the Implementation Days. 

Day 95 of the No social contact challenge. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 7, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

 

I need to make a goal list

 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 8, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

 

I can put forward one method to deal with the problem of uncertainty with respect to growth. 

This method is sorta simple. 

Keep 2 things in mind to follow this method. 

One is to have a very slimmed down basic framework like following a daily regiment or routine or discipline which will consist of good diet, regular exercise, regular work, some time with nature, good sleep and healthy lifestyle devoid of toxic things like video games and all that. 

And the second is to invest at least 2 hours a day in spiritual growth little by little every day. And to keep in mind that spirituality is like an ocean and spiritual growth and learning is infinite. Once you realize that it's infinite learning then you are not very with earning spiritual Mastery. You can take it nice and slow every day and also be proud of your spiritual growth. At the same time this dedicated amount of fixed time towards spiritual growth is not interfering with your daily self actualization routine. 

 

[Preety_India]

 

 

1 hour ago, Preety_India said:

 

INTENSE FIRE VISUALIZATION AND EXPLOSION OF SPIRITUALITY 

 

I finished an intense fire visualization and honestly it felt like a rebirth. 

The visualization was as follows. 

First I sat down completely naked. 

I took a deep breath for a few seconds. And then started imagining a small ball of fire at the center of the heart chakra in my chest. And then I imagined that this ball of fire was getting bigger and bigger. And the fire was spreading throughout my body. And slowly the flames were emanating from my skin outwards towards the surroundings. Eventually these wild flames will reaching to the planet and energizing every flower, plant, animal and humans giving them the energy to sustain and survive and be protected from all the deficiencies and Scarcities of life. 

This fire wasn't burning the grass but like sunlight it was energizing everything. 

I suddenly felt like an explosion of spirituality and light. I felt a bit dizzy but it was okay. I felt calm. 

At the end of it the fire was slowly receding and coming back to me and gradually fading into a small ball and disappearing within me. 

I don't have words to describe this experience. It really felt like an explosion. Like boom!!!! and then calm, fading..... 

It felt like a massive purge.

Only these images can describe how I felt. But it was more  powerful than anything I had experienced before 

 

Almost resonates with what Osho said. 

 

 

 

 

 

Everything was Infinity. 

 

 

 

This picture resonates a lot with how I felt. It was like looking deep inside me instead of outside. 

 

 

 

There was an intense vulnerability towards the end 

 

 

 

I felt like....... 

Like all love, all splendor, all beauty, all art, all intelligence, all creativity, all energy, all peace, all Infinity merging together in that fire ball inside of me. 

And this fire ball represented the energy of the universe through which everything was made possible. 

Every form of art or creativity, every piece of art, every form of love, every moment of peace came out of this fire ball. 

I cried a lot after this experience. 

It liberated some intense trauma. 

I had experienced intense childhood trauma. Something that I don't talk about because I consciously try to hide it. 

There is an intense fear in talking about it so I don't talk about it. 

I never talked about it to any of my boyfriends except for Andrew who has been very non judgemental. 

 

 

[Preety_India]

 

The last calender entry was on May 7.

Cool. 

Now it seems that my trajectory is going in some direction. 

I can't believe it's May 16 already. 

What was I doing lol.... 

I think I was too busy between May 8 and May 14.

 

 

 

Angry doge asking me lol. 

 

Reporting to Mr Angry Doge, my personal accountability partner on Actualized.org. 

• Facepalm ?
• Last 3 days were emotional purging 
• Before that I was watching elephant and animal videos
• Before that bad memory don't remember... Haha

 

 

Edited May 15, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

 

But don't get too angry. I gathered some concepts in the last few days that are really helpful. 

 

Edited May 15, 2020 by Preety_India

[Preety_India]

2 hours ago, Preety_India said:

Reporting to Mr Angry Doge, my personal accountability partner on Actualized.org. 

• Facepalm ?
• Last 3 days were emotional purging 
• Before that I was watching elephant and animal videos
• Before that bad memory don't remember... Haha

 

OK now I remember. I was buying looking for a bargain deal on gemstones. I looked up online. But the prices were pretty high. 

So gave up. 

 

 

 

So Monday was May 11, and this day I was looking for a local Reiki healer in my area. But couldn't find any advertisement for such. 

So left is Monday to Friday.. From 11th to 15th. 

 

Monday - looking into Reiki healers and trying to learn Reiki 

 

 

Tuesday  - I felt vulnerable and insecure and felt like quitting everything. 

I took a pledge that I won't reduce myself to chathood and talked about drawing a circle. 

 

Wednesday  - I did a fire visualization experiment to try out spirituality in different ways and it was success. 

 

 

Thursday  - I opened up about my childhood trauma and abuse past. Emotional purging after completing a couple of fire visualizations. 

 

 

Friday  - I continued exploring my estranged relationship with my family member and different aspects of spiritual growth and fire visualization explosion of spirituality exercise. 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 15, 2020 by Preety_India